I stalked the show room like a cheetah stalking his prey. I was ready, poised like a coiled spring waiting to explode from the shadows……………..I waited……. keeping to the edges of the Victorian Lounge…………nobody noticed me………I was the grey man.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move……something that made my defenses stand to…………I had found him……..my prey…………and he was mine.
I crept toward my target……mouth open…..breathing through my nose so he would not hear or smell my jerk-pork-flavored breath……………I told myself that I should have had a pre-mission Tic Tac.
I stopped about 10 feet short of where he sat. He was wearing a blue sweatshirt and jeans and his muscles rippled through this sleeves……………this was not going to be easy. I considered calling for back up but decided against this in case any sudden additions to the area where he sat would alert him. I remembered my training and before my final approach I made sure that no coins or loose objects were in my pockets and would rattle thus alerting the target which I had designated………Tango 1.
It was time. You don’t think about danger at this point. Your mind is focused only on the mission as you play out each and every scenario and my mission was to take down Tango 1 who had become a clear and present danger.
I waited………..suddenly and without notice he drew his weapon……..I had been slow……….too slow………….I would have to act now before it was too late and he fired. I sprang from the shadows ignoring the yelps of pain from other guests as I trod on their feet………….I only had eyes for Tango 1′s weapon.
I watched as though in slow motion as his right index finger hovered over the trigger……….from this distance it was hard to tell what the weapon was……….it could be a Browning, a Glock but as I ran full pace towards him my worst fears were realized…………it was a Radio Shack……….one of the most powerful weapons in the world. I was now inches from the target and I new it was now or never.
He had seen me, he was confused and panic set in……………would he fire his weapon and go down fighting or would he realize that he was out gunned and surrender………………..he looked at me…studying his opposition. I expanded my chest to make myself look bigger and stronger……my eyes borrowing into his. never flinching. I watched his trigger finger ready to use my close combat fighting skills to disarm him…………..and then…………….without saying anything……………he put down his weapon………he was beaten.
I took the weapon from him making sure my finger did not accidentally touch the trigger. I bent over and whispered some words of wisdom in his ear ……. took the weapon and returned to my seat. I was on a high, adrenalin was pumping through my veins and I knew that it would be some time before I would come down from the excitement of this mission.
Yes, I had made some mistakes. My approach vector had been all wrong and my shoes were new and squeaked which could have alerted him……….but …….I had won…………I had captured the weapon and it would be locked in the safe until the end of the cruise. The battle was mine……………that was one 12-year-old who would never use a laser pointer on the dancers ever again.
Until the next mission
Goodnight
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
007 is a cream puff next to you! way to go john!
John,
I have been enjoying reading your blog since I stumbled on it last October. I’m excited to say that my entire family (11 in total) will be on the February 16th sailing of the Freedom and it would be so nice to meet you and your wife Heidi.
Your blog “thingy” has taken the role of a Cruise Director to a whole new level! You have had the unique opportunity through you job and all your talents to put smiles on peoples faces, offer support and bring people together. What a rewarding feeling that must be for you. I hope you remember that every time you encounter complaints or negativity (which from what I have read seems unending….I mean who complains about ice cream?…..so sad).
We are counting down the days until our much needed vacation and the wonderful opportunity my family has to be all together. Truly a blessing….
All the best,
-Chris
Oh, thank God, the dancers are safe from another 12 year old. Good job.
I love it and you and your sense of humor. (I never could spell.) LOL
John Bond!!!! I wasn’t sure whether you were after a laser pointer or a ringing/texting cell phone, but either one deserves capturing when used during any sort of performance. Good on you!!!
Your narrative was hilarious. Oh, and in re yesterday’s blog, how did those US Customs agents wind up in Jamaica? My gosh, they’re everywhere.
John, how is Alan? Haven’t heard of him in quite a while which I hope means he’s doing so well you’re no longer so concerned for his health. Also, sorry for Roberto’s loss and hope he’s coping well.
John, you are just tooooooo funny! Your next career needs to be as a writer–for Carnival of course! Just think how many of us you already have hooked on your blog! All of us chomping at the bit waiting for your next entry! You would have so many people converted from other lines to Carnival. Let you write and let you speak as the best spokesperson Carnival has ever had. Wait, let me buy stock in Carnival first! Also, you still have to stay on as cruise director, of course!
Sheryl
Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well done!!!
John,
What a secret agent man you would have been. That was great! I kept hearing the theme music going though my head as I read your story. I got ahead of myself a couple of times and thought the terrible weapon might be a squirt gun, turns out it was something that really can be dangerous so the world is safer now thanks to you. I’m also glad you didn’t have to take out Tango 1, I’m sure then the letter to the purser would have been most foul. I can almost see the comment now….
1040 PM: Woman arrived at desk and complained that secret agent mission impossible cruise director (SAMICD) had eliminated her son. She mentioned that she has traveled on several other cruise lines and none of them had done this. She would like a free bottle of champagne.
One of your best stories so far; it kept me on the edge of my seat – M would be proud. If it happens again, don’t be a hero – always have back-up ready to cut off all possible routes of escape. Good work Triple X L.
Way to go, John! I had to go back and read the entry a second time because I was distracted the first time. That was certainly a well thought out mission. Kids will find numerous ways to be annoying. They just don’t think. What is innocent to them is truly annoying to others!
I am glad your mission was successful!
Ruth
John,
hahaha for a minute there i thought you had a breakdown but the end is great.
Kevin
John,
You never know where the threat will come from…
The Boy Scout motto is ‘Always be prepared’ for a reason.
I’m stunned by your cat-like prowess and stealth! One might expect moves like these from Bond, James Bond but Heald, John Heald!?!
You’ve made us proud, Double Oh CD… very proud…
By the way, MI5 called looking for you… I told them you were at the buffet…
Greg
Bond ~ John Bond:
Having just left the Freedom and the Victorian Lounge the image of you stalking the area and going in for the “weapon” is a vision. In my heart you will forever be the gray man! Thanks for laughter ~
Vikki
Oh John,
You just made my day. You had me in such suspense till the very end. I would have loved to see the look on the kid’s face.
Happy Friday, from cold, but sunny, Michigan
Linda
Oh my gosh, John, I thought you were having one of your weird dreams again. LOL Little bugger…..how did he get away with bringing that on board. I’m glad you got to him before he could have hurt anyone.
Is the weather any better? I was supposed to come on that cruise but couldn’t get anyone to go with me. I’m going next Friday by myself on the Fascination to Nassau for a long weekend. Could you please tell me who the CD is John? Thanks so much. Hope everyone had a great week. Hopefully I can go with you guys next year. Take care.
Cindy
The hero walks back to his position with his blonde heroin by his side the sea where safe for entertainment and dancing once again.
I will admit one of the things I notices on my last cruise is all the little things that the staff under the direction of the cruise director did to keep the shows going smooth. Wee Jimmy did a great job in this, always having people in the audience watching for problems and little things like cameras during copyrighted shows. One of the one I noticed was a little redhead social host she really did her best even when it was her first time to call the Bingo, and she did a great job too. With the little extra hello you gave us with Wee Jimmy we did get a view few other would notice, and it is not just being funny on stage and organizing activities but keeping it all running smooth and safe, and that is the hardest part with a lot in the background that most do not even see. My sons made sure they sat near the social host trying to hiding the audience too, as they said it was the best seats in the show.
You little 007ish story is great and just the description for the job!
best wishes to you and Heidi
the one and only 1
Heidi-Beth
So you can add, “Expert at disarming annoying children, whose parents should have known better” to your list of amazing skills.
I was really surprised when I found 3 new blogs on this morning. Enjoyed them all. Thanks for taking so much time out of your loooooonnnnngggg and busy days for us left at home.
Good Afternoon,
Diane from Texas
Tooo funny! I thought you were having another one of your strange dreams again. I read it so fast to get to the end and laughed hysterically. My husband thinks I am nuts…but now he thinks you are too! So glad to hear you helped rid the world of another laser pointer!
Karen
Hi John/Heidi:
I would have never known it was a laser pointer.
You’re pretty good at this hook thingy.
Nice job!
Thanks for a good story.
David
And where is “M” when you need her?
John,
Isn’t a laster pointer something security is supposed to confiscate before coming onto the boat? I thought I read that on the “Don’t Even Think About It” List. I never went to the shows, as Austin Powers would say, they’re not my bag. I am sure they are good for people who enjoy them, but no kids should be forced into going to them otherwise they will do some stupid sh#t like this and ruin it for the rest of the people there. Nevertheless, Situation well handled my friend.
Later,
BigMike
That damn brat kid should have been home in school! I hope you assulted him with the rassberry machine gun after you confiscated his weapon.
Juls
CD Supreme!!! Double-O CD…
Q left msgs: Double-O CD may not keep Radio Shack — STOP
I must evaluate the technology — STOP
Just how far has “Pre-Teen Agent” advanced??? Must keep safe, advance thier technology!! — STOP
From me: John: The MAN!!! Bond has nothing on you!!! Stay out of the line of fire… The world would cease with out you!
Remember me in your dreams…
Madam All
The name is John, John Bond”
Oh John You out did yourself
the writing was immpeccable
A picture of the 12 yr old face would have been great I have to admit!
Bravo Dear Spy… Bravo!
another 12 yr old bites the dust from a life of crime….
till the next Mission….
Betty Boop
Hello, my name is Heald. John Heald.
I like diet coke – stirred, not shaken.
Excuse me while I meet with my superior – H and receive my new mission.
——–
OK, you reached a new high with this tale. I believe your next career should be as a screenwriter. A series of movies with the main character a secret agent who travels the world disquised as a Cruise Director, assisted by his sidekick H, information technology superstar Roberto and we must not forget Stephanie.
Brilliant.
Good going John, but maybe you should also lock up the parents that allowed their little tike to have that on board.
See you soon.
CarolAnn
So what would you rather have – ice cream on Celebrity or FUN on Carnival? I have been on
both cruise lines many times, and believe me, I
will take the FUN on Carnival any day over
the other guys
Oh my god John, you are so dang funny!!!! I loved that story. I can’t wait until the next mission.
Good Job
I have just started to click onto your log and I love it. When business is slow I clck onto your log to put a smile on my face. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
Shirley, Travel Agent.
Again keep riting about your cruise directing experiences
Shirley
Ha! Very cute John! In Vegas we were on the “alert” from the stage while performing for little buggers of all ages with the dreaded “camera” ! We didn’t have lasers “back in the day” ! That’s pretty dangerous particularly while dancing on a moving ship. Where were mommy and daddy? I’d jump off that stage myself and have a “word” with them !!!
Kathy & Paul
PS. Kodo’s to Big Ed on your B’day surprise! Happy Birthday from soggy LA !!
Good evening Mr. ( James Bond ) Heald. Well done sir. A very interesting and entertaining blog you have submitted.
Just to let you know Mr. Heald, on the February 2nd cruise of which I’ll be on I’m going to leave with the pursor an envelope with a couple small gifts in it. When you do arrive back on the Freedom please check with him or her. I hope that you will be happy with them.It is a little something of my town Amherstburg. It’s a shame that I will be unable to shake your hand and say hi to you and Heidi. Maybe some day, but I’m really looking forward to this cruise on the Freedom. Ciao.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
What a great blog thingy! I kept thinking you were sneaking up on Big Ed! Oh, but you had a real mission!
I WILL be on the 2009 cruise.
I’m very excited to see what is in store and I will LOVE all of the “cheap” gifts!!
205 days until the Splendor cruise!
Hi John,
I’m a reporter with the above local newspaper over here in the UK. I am going to start an article about all the various luminaries the Nottingham University has produced, of which, you might be proud to know, thanks to the powers of the search engine, you are one. There are ,of course many, D.H. Lawrence perhaps being the most famous. I intend to do a piece on him, being a writer in the traditional sense, and then run a comparison with the modern day blogist i.e. you. If you are happy with this could you give me some more background please. What made you choose Political Science (as known in the US)? Who were your tutors (I’m related to Dr. Grey, I’m sure you remember!). What year did you graduate? What happened to your contemporaries? Would you consider giving a lecture next time you are in the UK? I’m sure the piece would fascinate your readers .I am in contact with many students who are interested in careers in the industry. We are all ears.
John & Heidi,
We just found your blog thingy and enjoy reading the entries. It has brought back so many memories! We took our first cruise March 2003 on the Triumph. Talk about starting with the best. You were the CD, and newly engaged(?) to Heidi. Little Jimmy was new on the ship. Our trip was so much fun, because everyone was so friendly and provided excellent customer service. We promised ourselves we would take the same trip on our 25th anniversary. We kept that promise and booked the same itinerary on the Triumph departing on 5/17/08. Susan even took the time to look up our past reservation and put us in the same cabin. WOW! We have traveled to different places in the world but that cruise was special to us. You and the crew made such an impression on us we just wish you and Heidi would be on the Triumph in May so we can thank you both for such a memorable experience! Can’t wait to be back on board again, 111 days & counting. Your “thingy” puts a smile on my face! Keep up the good work ambassador of fun.
Hi Secret Agent Man,
I love it.
C.
Excellent blog!! Top notch, very entertaining.
Lionel loves him some cruising!