Heidi woke yesterday with a huge smile on her face. I looked at her and thought to myself that the reason she looked so happy must be the nearness of me and the fact that she had realised that I was a stud……………………………….but my hopes of a bit of morning rumpy pumpy were squashed quicker than an elephant sitting on a hamster when she said “Come on let’s get dressed…………we are going shopping.”………………………………….Bugger.

So, off we went on the 30-minute ride to Aventura Shopping Mall. ………………….. well…………………….I say 30 minutes but considering my Saturn rent a car is slower than a turtle wearing concrete Reeboks I knew the journey would be considerably longer.

At the time a day of shopping and driving the ugliest, slowest car in the world was all I had to worry about but Murphy and his law it seemed was as happy to visit me on land as he was at sea.

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The Exorcist is asleep. Her head has finally stopped spinning around and it’s safe to take of my cross and my necklace of garlic……………………the packing is done. I look at her now and she is all calmness and serenity and she has gone from a levitating remote control throwing head spinning she devil to her starfish mode and is in a deep sleep happy and content and dreaming about inserting a Samsonite in my bottom.

The desk is clear, the paper work is done and it’s time to join the starfish. The only problem is that she has left me very little space in the bed. Normally I would wake her or push her out of the way but considering she has packed three cases and a huge trunk and thrown remote controls and various clothing items at me …………….I think I will leave her in peace and be content to sleep with half my body hanging over the edge of the bed……………………goodnight.
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Heidi is in a mood and right now I would rather wrestle a lion on prednisone who has just found out that I had an affair with his wife Louise and shoved a cactus up its bottom ………………then be anywhere near my wife.

The reason…………packing…………..there is stuff everywhere and it’s all my fault. Well, actually it isn’t but, according to the Mrs., it is and therefore I have decided to retire to the computer and write a quick blog to you all.

Firstly let me apologize that this blog thing will not contain the usual photos and comments etc………….I just do not have the time but I do have a few minutes to tell you about my day.

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It was 1992 and I was staying at the Marriott Hotel on Miami’s Biscayne Boulevard. I had just completed a 6-month contract on the Fantasy and was being transferred to the Ecstasy the following morning.

I was in the middle of watching a movie when the phone rang and when I answered it was the unmistakable Scottish accent of the then Vice President of Operations Brendan Corrigan.

Brendan told me that plans had changed and instead of going to the Ecstasy I would instead be going to the Tropicale as the ship needed a cruise director. He told me to be in the lobby of the hotel at 5 am and a driver would come and collect me and take me to the ship which if I remember was at the time sailing out of Port Canaveral…………or maybe it was Tampa………..anyway…….I had to be ready to go at 5 am.

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I was wrong. When I went to bed last night the sea was as angry as Heather Mills is at only getting $48 million in her divorce settlement but this morning when I woke up and looked out the window it was as calm as a Rastafarian on his second palm tree.

So it was that the guests had a day of sunshine here in Grand Cayman and after a day at sea which I am sure a few guests may have spent in the bathroom more than the dining room it was wonderful to see the conditions today.

We safely tendered all the guests ashore and the operation went really well. Surprisingly the only other ship in port with us was one of those where a 10-year-old kid has been allowed to paint the bow and this meant that with just two ships it was a smooth operation.

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Today, Tuesday March 18th I retired………………………………from being a pirate. I woke up this morning and found that I could now blink my left eye. Yes, it may take me three hours to do it but I can blink and fully close my eye. I ran …….. OK……….I took the elevator down to the Infirmary and the Doc confirmed that there was a vast improvement.

Provided I put special drops in my eye and tape it up at night, my days of being a pirate were gone……………I ripped off the patch with delight and was so happy I felt like ripping off all my clothes and running around the infirmary naked………..but instead I said thanks to the doc and went for a cheeseburger.

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Hi everyone,

I just wanted to take a quick moment to share a very special message left by a member of the Kimmett family on the blog.   

Dear John,

I am writing to you today on behalf of the Kimmett family to personally thank you and your blog readers for the incredible support we received from all of you in the days following our precious Lindsay’s passing. The messages and condolences from around the world were most comforting to all of us. Special thanks to Julia Barnes for her quotation from Henry Scott Holland which was particularly poignant, so much so that we had it read during Lindsay’s memorial service. Hundreds of your readers took the time to console us – you have truly created a global community John – one we are blessed to be part of. Also, please forward special thanks to the purser’s office staff who showed such compassion and efficiency in helping us make contact with family and friends in Cochrane and aiding our disembarkation in Cozumel for our journey home. Since our arrival home our community of family and friends have embraced us with their loving arms and shared the burden of our despair. The finality of Lindsay’s loss is overwhelming and we continue to lean on our family and friends for their support and they continue to provide. Lindsay was a truly remarkable woman and we miss her tremendously. We have created a memorial website to honor our special angel – http://www.lindsaykimmett.com – in hopes of carrying on her legacy. As her medical school dean stated in his eulogy – Lindsay’s story needs to be told. If more people are touched by her life and message then the world will be a better place. Once again thank you John, until we meet again, Kelly, Dianne, Taylor, and Reid Kimmett

I went to see the doctor this morning to see if Mr. Bell was any closer to packing his bag and returning to the land of garlic and that is when I met Peter Edwards from Des Moines, Iowa.

Good morning everyone. It is now 7:30pm and the ship is docked in Cozumel. The weather (more about that later) was beautiful once again and everyone has had a great time. ………………except Peter Edwards………….whom as a blog reader himself has given me permission to talk about.

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Having finished the Welcome Aboard Show I returned to the cabin tired but content. The show had gone well and I actually felt that my voice was a little better and that Mr. Bell may not have had such an influence on the show as the last time………more about him later.

So it was that I returned to the cabin and while drinking a cup of monkey tea wrote a few e-mails and by 12:30am I was in my bed and snoring away …………….the last thought was that last week was behind me and this week was going to be incident free.

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I am in the doghouse…………it’s Saturday and it’s only 6:35am and I am there with the door slammed shut behind me………..why………..because I dared to mention Heidi’s socks.

Let’s back up a bit first shall well. The sound of the 5:45am alarm was as welcoming as a scorpion in your underpants and after portraying a one eyed Dolly Parton last night it was the last thing I wanted to hear. Anyway, Heidi who is in charge of the debarkation process sat bolt upright switched the alarm off and then an ejector seat propelled her from the bed into the bathroom for the ritual of getting ready.

Now getting dressed in the morning should take no more than 20 minutes during which time you can shower, dress, poo, pee, pick your nose and still have time for a coffee and three bacon sandwiches while enjoying Wolf Blister on CNN.
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