Going through Russian Immigration is like being part of a Tom Clancy novel. The flight landed on time and in one piece and after saying a teary farewell to Anna I walked down the steps into a bus and across to a huge grey ugly concrete building. We disembarked the bus and having already completed the Immigration paper that asked the usual questions as well as and, somewhat strangely, “Who do you know in Russia?”

Having filled out the form we then walked toward the booths. Immigration soldiers sat inside and giving them a friendly good evening I was met with a stare as cold as the building we were standing in……….still they were friendlier than the Immigration officers in Miami.

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We landed after just 30 minutes and although the mighty Saab rattled through the sky the landing was like sitting on a kangaroo’s’ back as we bounced down the runway. Air Estonia has a lot to learn about customer service but considering they buy their planes on E Bay I am not surprised.

Now, I am boarding a jet. There is good news and bad news. The good news is that it is an Airbus A319 – 100 and the bad news is the airline is something called POOCHNA ROSSIYA which is Russian for OH BUGGER Airlines.

Its time to head for St. Petersburg and who knows what next. Oh by the way, I now have AM – SAFE tattooed on my stomach which is the name of the seat belt designer on the Saab.

RRRPOFF
John

Well, here I sit in my Russian seat and if the Sabbs seat belt was a tight fit then this one is like being having a Boa Constrictor round my waist. You can’t complain about the Russian airline’s'service because there isn’t any although the good news is that Anna Kornicova has realised she is crap at tennis and now works as an cabin attendant for POCCNR airlines…….wow , she might be doing bugger all but she does it with a certain je ne sais pas……..bloody hell, I am speaking French ………must have air sickness

Time to go and stare at Anna while we prepare to land.
SRRPOFF
John

Oh, just before we take off i should point out the reminder that PA 007 just sent me.

“But Tallin is great a surprise highlight of a Baltic cruise and your readers will be arriving on a magnificant cruiseship and will never see the airport!!”

Thanks PA, wish youi were here

RRP0FF

John

And the hits keep on coming. The instrument panel may not have been flashing 12 but I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the plane. Its something called a Saab 340 and it carries 40 pax. I thought a Saab was a car that usually takes a family on a picnic not flying 40 pax and their luggage at 7,000 feet.

I got onboard and discovered like many others that the overhead locker was only capable of storing a sparrow and therefore we had to give our hand luggage to an Air Estonia employee. I remembered to take out my wallet but my passport and lap dancer computer is still in there. Therefore someone called Igor may as we speak telling Immigration he is John Heald and he is trying to get into my computer……….I doubt he will though as I have a password protection thingy on it…….which by the way if and when we land and my lap top dancer computer is not on its way to Igor’s house I will change it to I love Air Estonia.

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I just went through security which was manned by someone who made me take off my shoes. Now considering I have been walking since 8 am up and down the hills of Tallinn my feet smell like Gerard Deperdeaux’s refrigerator………….cheese topped with extra cheese.

So, there I was bending over trying to take off my mountain shoes which Heidi made me buy……..there was not much air down there as I bent over and once removed the smell of Brie filled the air…….and once the brave Admiral was happy my shoes contained nothing but the smell of Paris he waved me through………and just for good measure I released the smell of Elk from the other end.

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It’s now 5:05 pm and our luggage was just unceremoniously dumped in front of us without a word of sorry for keeping you waiting for nearly 2 hours. Now we are standing in a long line to check in again to Helsinki with Estonia Air, which knowing my luck, will be sending our suitcases to Tim Buck Bloody Two.

Heidi just landed in Sweden for her connection to Amsterdam……….remember, she has no Russian Visa. I am also hungry and right now I could eat a nice piece of herring.

More later

Your GFF – grumpy friend forever
John

That’s’ it……….I am never flying again unless I have a private plane piloted by a naked Uma Thurman with in flight food served cooked onboard by Gordon Ramsey and served by George Hamilton wearing a Chanel swim suit.

Good evening…I am writing this blog at 7 pm from my raspberry thingy from Estonia International Airport although that it has no right in calling itself that.
 
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Hi Everyone,

We had some technicial problems yesterday and weren’t able to post John’s picture. But all is fixed now, so here they are.

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