I remember Saturday nights from my teenage years being exciting times. I would start getting ready about 7 pm and where as now I can complete the three “S’s” in 30 minutes back in the days when personal grooming was so important it would take considerably longer. I concentrated on what to wear which considering I had three shirts and two pairs of trousers to choose from was not difficult. Then it was the hair…………that had to be just right. Up until 1996 I had beautiful dark hair and then one morning a few months into the Carnival Destiny’s inaugural season I woke up…………..looked in the mirror…………and a pudgy Richard Gere was staring back at me.
Once my hair was right, I made sure I had a £5 in my pocket (usually lent to me by Mum or Dad) and then right at 8:30pm Alan’s shiny blue Ford Capri would pull up outside the house accompanied by The Pet Shop Boys or The Communards blaring from the Eight Track Stereo.
Every Saturday night always started off full of hope that tonight ………………a girl would find me attractive………………tonight we would not be ignored by anything in a skirt …………. tonight …………..the evening would end with a trip down lovers lane and not end with Alan and I sharing a late night Kebab………………….we ate a lot of Kebabs.
I have mentioned some of the Saturday night disasters before and as I sit here on this Saturday night it feels just like yesterday that I would leave from my Mum and Dad’s house looking for love. Each night we would stand at the bar nursing our drinks amazed at all the beautiful women. We both had our goals…………I wanted to meet a blonde with blue eyes while Alan was very much into brunettes with the deep brown eyes…………….that of course was at the beginning of the evening and as closing time approached our standards had slipped a little and both us would have been happy with a girl with no hair, one blue eye and one red eye.
Of course at the end of Saturday nights as we discussed our failure over a Kebab it was never our fault we had left The Cliff alone once again. Whereas at the start of the evening we had marveled at the ladies’ beauty by the end of the night the reason Alan and I were alone again was that every girl in the bar looked like Joan Rivers.
There is no such thing of course as a Saturday night when you work on a cruise ship. Oh, you may be aware that it is Saturday but as far as there being a weekend……..well……….it’s just the same as any other day or even busier if it is debarkation/embarkation day. Today though for the Carnival Freedom it is a special Saturday as the ship begins its trans-Atlantic cruise. I had truly hoped to join in Portugal but with all the extra things going on I decided that I must have three weeks rest before I join the Carnival Splendor. I know many of the bloggers are sailing and I wish them all a wonderful time onboard.
One Saturday night Alan and I had witnessed a miracle, one so astonishing that the bar we were in called The Cliff went silent…………everyone was in disbelief…………..why…………well two girls had walked over to Alan and I………………met us………….and as yet hadn’t left…………………….. Or thrown up.
I still remember their names …………..Paula and Sarah. Now, you have to remember that Alan and I had little practice in the art of “the chat up” and if girls did talk to us they usually dropped dead from boredom after just a few minutes.
I was shy…………….yes……………I know you all went……………… “no way”………….but I was and I choose my words very carefully where as Alan would get very nervous and talk non stop about anything he could think of………………….and I as always had to be on my toes. Usually the girls ……………..I say usually as though this happened every night when in fact it is more common to see a guest under 20 climbing one of those stupid walls then girls talking to us………………….anyway when and if they did the question “what do you do?” was often asked. At the time that this story takes place we were both 18.
I was working in London for Lloyds and Alan was at a local bank ……………….we both had boring jobs. So Alan would always want to spice up our lives and in the past we have been Vets, Trainee Pilots and Submariners………………however when Sarah and Paula asked “what do you do ” Alan decided to tell them that we were both at medical school and were going to be Doctors.
The girls seemed very impressed by this and I clearly remember Sarah asking me all sorts of questions about her aches and pains and one hour later Saturday night had turned out alright (as Elton John once sang) as the girls were still with us and I was living in the hope that Paula may allow me Dr. John to examine her later in the back seat of the Ford Capri.
My hope of Paula having a close encounter with Dr.Kildare was still burning brightly as all four of us walked back to the car………………we had been invited back to the girls flat (apartment) and I was as excited as that Italian actor who won an Oscar a few years ago and leapt around jumping for joy.
However, my friend Murphy who has spent so much time with me the past few months was with me back in the early eighties as well because as we reached the car and the back seat beckoned …………………….. Alan couldn’t find his car key.
At first I thought he was joking but then I saw the serious look on his face that told me we were in the stuff that had previously just hit the fan. He looked everywhere, he even ran back to The Cliff where he looked in every corner and crack to see if he could find it, but it had vanished.
It was during the time that Alan was mincing about at the Cliff trying to find the key that would open the door to heaven that the girls decided that the two junior Doctors were in fact in need of medication themselves and realizing that there was no ride home for them here……………….they buggered off.
Alan returned…………….keyless…………….and asked me where the girls where……………I told them they had left and you won’t believe this………………….he gave me a bollocking…………what was I supposed to do……………tie them to a lamppost?………..sing Wham’s greatest hits?…………….we argued for a few moments blaming each other and then we both realized that we couldn’t get into the car………………………….and that was the end of the evening……………………..Alan called his Dad to come with the spare key and then it was my turn to call Dad who came to pick up his 18 year old son ……………..my Saturday night was ruined ……………….. and I didn’t even get a Kebab.
Ok, Paula may have had legs that could have supported an Oil Rig …………..she may have had more spots than a Cheetah with the measles…………..but she would have been mine …………. and………………….Paula was the prettier of the two…………….Alan had the ugly one.
This, and many other Saturdays like them was one of the reasons I gave up my job in the City of London and joined Carnival Cruise Lines in 1987. By then every girl in my home town had ignored me and Alan and I spent so much time alone………standing at bars some people thought we were…………….well…………..you know. The final straw came when Alan and I went to a big nightclub called TOTS (Talk of the South)……………….it was ladies night………………300 girls would be there…………….many from out of town……………this was good as most of them had never met us.
We arrived and the place was heaving……….surely not even we could fail. Things were going well, girls were dancing…….some even smiling and looking at us……………in fact a group of gorgeous girls were looking at us both and laughing……………wow……………..this could be fantastic……….so I smiled and waved back…………..as did Alan………………it was then that I noticed they were not laughing with us but at us…………….in fact a few were pointing towards us and one was laughing hysterically…………….I couldn’t figure out why………….I looked at Alan to mention what was happening when I saw what had reduced them to hysterics……………….my mate Alan ………………… had removed his Jacket………………to reveal …………………….a T Shirt……………………with ……………The Smurfs on it……………he was 19 years old.
So, tomorrow morning I will drive myself to Heathrow Airport where American Airlines will fly me to Los Angeles, California. This will be my first ever visit to California and unfortunately I will get to see my room at the Long Beach Hyatt Regency and the Carnival Paradise as Monday evening I return.
I am going to meet a lady called Lauren who all her life dreamed of being a Cruise Director.
Well, on Monday her dream will come true as for a few hours she will be the Cruise Director of the beautiful Carnival Paradise. Her dream will be filmed by the USA network and of course I will let you all know when the program goes out plus I will take my trusty raspberry along so I can send one or two mini raspberry blogs plus a full report on Wednesday as I have a feeling on Tuesday I may be rather jet lagged……………….anyway, I will write as often as I can and even though its two long flights in two days……………….if I can help this ladies dream come true then its a small price to pay.
So, it is time to pack. The hardest thing about this trip is of course that Heidi will not be with me and Monday is her birthday. She won’t have her Dad and she won’t have me……….but she will be with her Mum which is important to them both.
As much as Alan and I had many disastrous Saturday nights I wouldn’t have missed them for the world. However it was just after the Smurf T Shirt incident that I applied to Carnival Cruise Lines and flew to Miami…………………it had come down to two choices……………fly to America and meet women………………..or……………..stay in the UK……………..and marry Alan.
Goodnight
Your friends
John and Heidi……………and Alan
Filed under: Europe, Tales from the Ship, Travel
Oh John I am so glad you decided to fly to America and become the best CD in the world rather than stay in the UK and marry Alan. You bring so many laughs to my days.
Kersplott
Have a safe journey; sorry you will not be with Heidi on her birthday; take care John and Happy Birthday Heidi
Hi John,
I find it hard to believe that you had that much trouble meeting the ladies… but you sure tell some funny tales. I am glad that you went to Miami to become a cruise director instead of marrying Alan though. You and Heidi make such a nice couple and she is so beautiful.
I wanted to tell you I recieved my camera from you and Carnival today. I’m sure you can guess what I have been doing all day! It’s awsome! Thank you!
Have a great trip! Looking forward to Raspberry flavored blogs!!!
Princess Barb…. with the magic eye!
The weather here in Southern California is beautiful. This weekend the highs are in the 90’s (Farenheit). Enjoy your 4-day cruise to Mexico and let Lauren fill in for Paula.
John
Although you and Allen might have lived “happy ever after” his gain would have been Heidi’s loss – so glad you got on that airplane to Miami!
Thanks for the Saturday night stories – kind of like reliving my own youth.
Hopefully Murphy will stay on that side of the pond and that you trip to California goes smoothly.
Rest well, Barb
Great story John! Still I find it hard to believe it. You are not ugly and you have a great personality and although we havent seen Alan I doubt he as ugly as you say.Anyway It really doesnt matter at the end you got what you wanted.
Cant wait to the show. We will shower Heidi with birthday wishes so she wont feel very lonely without you and her Dad. Have a safe trip!!!!!
Muchos huggos
Nanni
John,
Sounds like you had alot of fun with Alan even though you didn’t seem to have luck with the girls. But you gotta admit you sure did meet a beautiful person when you found Heidi! I want to wish you a very safe trip to California and back. Can’t wait to see the show when it airs. God Bless
Cindy & Kevin
Well John, Hope you had a safe trip to L.A. Just got back from our cruise on the Liberty, and it was wonderful! Steve (our CD) said that the Liberty won an award for the best CCL ship in the magazine Porthole! We also learned of the new ship DREAM which will sail out of Pt. Canaveral in Feb. 2009, and then I read where the Magic will also be out of Port Canaveral in 2010! Can’t wait! TWO new ships to sail on! We had a great time on the Liberty! I got home, didn’t even unpack as I HAD to check out all the blogs from the past week. You sure have been busy this week. Make sure and get Heidi something SPECIAL for her 29th birthday! Happy Birthday Heidi! I am exhausted, so I think I will go to sleep now, tomorrow is another day to unpack etc. I took over 200 pictures onboard PLUS we bought over $400.00 worth of photographers pictures on board. Need to also grocery shop tomorrow as our refrigerator is bare. The shops in the US are selling those green bags too, but are still using plastic bags also, wonder if they will phase those out in the near future. Hi to all my friends in blog land! Nanette, Paul, Empress Bee! Glad you had a nice cruise on the Valor, Bee. I will have to check out your blogs tomorrow also. Goodnight All! Linda & Mike
Awww, John you have a heart of gold & I’m sure Heidi knows that. We all have those awful stories of before we met our spouses & it just makes us all so thankful that we are no longer OUT THERE! AHHHHHH! We will celebrate 29 years this November & I am also thankful I did not have to marry my best friend. Yaaaaaay for us!! Looking forward to the California raspberries.
Jan
Aren’t you glad those days are over sometimes. Even though most of those days were great and sooo much fun, sometimes they were heartbreaking too, especially when you would get dumped after only 1 or 2 dates and you’d swear you met the perfect guy (for me, not you!!) lol!!Anyway, those days are long gone, and now WE all (well almost all of us…you’ll see oneday, John) have ungrateful
snotty kids who think you’re old and mean, and out to ruin their lives!!!! Ha, ha, just kidding……not….teenagers, ugh!
“Saturday night’s alright for fightin’, get a little action in”…..goodnight Sir Elton…
Sue from narrowsburg
Hi John,
You made the right decision….I don’t think you and Alan would have made a very good “couple” anyway…..LOL
Happy birthday on Monday, Heidi!
Cindy
Happy Birthday Heidi!!!!! Get home soon, I think John is missing you…and he’s telling his stories from when he was a young stud, again
Happy early birthday, Heidi! It’s also my dad’s and sister’s birthday April 28th =D I have yet to have gotten a gift for either. I should get on that.
well glad linda h. had a great time on the liberty. we sailed that ship a few years ago with john!
and dude, you are gonna’ be SO jet lagged with the time difference and all the flying, you had better rest up. carnival: please get john in first class for this trip. PLEASE!!! tell them steph!
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
John, thanks for the trip down memory lane! I grew up in the 70 & 80’s so I understand the era. I think you made a very wise decision coming west! Have a safe trip to California and look forward to your blog!
BTW, our roll call for the Valor 9/7 has already grown to over 30! I will remind you closer to sailing about our room for the Cruise Critic’s meeting!
Also a big CONGRATS on over 2 million hits!
Susan
John, I’m sitting here, laughing hysterically over your adventures as a youth that remind me so much of the younger days of my friends and myself… except that there were four of us to be ignored… Thanks for the wonderful laugh!!
I’m sure that you’ll find California there at the other end of your flight. I don’t believe it’s had an opportunity to escape into the sea yet. It’s a shame that you won’t have time to drive up the PCH and fall in love with the scenery, as I have many times.
Here’s hoping that your flight to the States will be vastly more pleasant than some of your recent experiences.
Looking forward to your raspberry blogs!
Please pass along wonderful birthday wishes to Heidi for me.
Also, thanks to Stephanie for all of her hard work on this and so many other projects!!
Cheers, mate!!
GregB
John,
I can’t believe it. You will be in Long Beach at the same time as my daughter,Colleen, who will just be getting off the Paradise from a three day cruise.
I love your stories of yours and Alan’s adventures.
Hi John,
First Happy Birthday to Heidi.
Second, all those Satuday nights with Alan proves that good things come to those who wait. Without all that waiting you wouldn’t have met Heidi.
Have a great trip to California… I can’t wait to see the show..Kim Parker
Hey John,
Just wanted to drop you a note. I boarded the Freedom today, and she’s still looking terrific!
BA at Terminal 5 did manage to lose my luggage yesterday as I flew back to Miami, but miraculously got it to the ship before we sailed.
Thanks to the help at Guest Relations for calling BA and allowing me to talk to them as well, before we left without my dear friend Sam Sonite.
We’re going to most certainly miss you and Heidi on this sailing, but I’ll be reporting from the crossing daily.
Regards,
Kuki
CruiseMates.com
OH , and I forgot. GREAT luck on your new Hollywood career!!
Regards,
Kuki
CruiseMates.com
please respond
My husband and I are looking into doing a transatlantic cruise. Could you tell me what additional type of activities do they have to fill the 5 days at sea and is usually the fall or spring less rocky. Is there alot of sea sickness on those cruises?
\
Thanks CIndy
No key for a Ford Capri?
Didn’t one of the girls have a nail file you could borrow?
If I remember correctly, Ford locks weren’t exactly sophisticated in those days…..
Obviously neither you or Alan are from Liverpool – round here we’d have had the car doors open in 5 seconds!
John
I can’t imagine you ever been alone, have a save trip to California.
Love,
Suzann
Hi John and Happy Birthday Heidi,
Best wishes on the TV show-I know it will be wonderful. Have a safe journey (no murphy) – can’t wait to hear more.
John,
Once again I am going to cross my fingers that you do not take your best friend with you on this trip…Murphy.
Gee, after your very funny stories about your younger days I guess Hedi doesn’t need to worry about you and the California girls…LOL.
I sure wish Alan would write a book about the adventures the two of you have had!
Safe travel!
Princess Susan
Happy early Birthday Heidi! You 2 will have to celebrate when she returns. ; )
Take care and have a great flight!
Chris
Happy Birthday to Heidi!
John:
Hope you enjoy the southern California heat! (It was 101F in our town on Saturday the 26th). We’ll really be looking forward to the USA network’s show.
Terri
Really glad you made the right choice. You have brightened up many a work day morning for me.
Cheers and Kind regards
Julia
John,
Alan was just ahead of his time. A smurf shirt is in style now.
I am 28 and have a couple shirt with cartoon characters from my childhood on them. We have a store in the US called Hot Topic where they sell all kinds of shirts with cartoon characters from the 80’s on them. Very popular among my generation.
Tell Alan if he still has his shirt its time to put it back on. This time though the girls won’t be laughing. Carla
Hi, Mr Heald,
As a 6′ 3″, 240lb Irish-Jewish person, I kind of look like a STOP sign – very tall and red on top(or ronald McDonald, with the curly red hair). I too had trouble with women until my current Sweetheart. I remember being at a club one night and saying to a woman “Would you like to dance?” She said “With YOU? NO!” Being quick witted but somewhat suicidal apparently I said, “Don’t be picky, I wasnt.” Her taste in drinks, one of which she threw in my face, was no better than her taste in men, lol.
Gladly we have both exceeded what some might consider our grasps, as we now have lovely women who appreciate us for more than our looks (altho there is nothing wrong that a guy would notice with yours). I ask my Lady daily, “What on earth do you see in me? I am a massive man with curly auburn hair, I could be the worlds largest Shirley Temple impersonator?” Her response – “Your heart.” Lucky for us there are better women than the ones in the clubs we used to frequent
I feel your pain from younger days at the clubs, how lucky are we now?
Just had to post because your stories reminded me of my younger self. lol
I look forward to seeing you and Heidi on a future cruise.
Hi John/Heidi:
What a blog today.
The thought of Alan going out on a Sat. night wearing a smurfs t-shirt has me in stitches. That is just too funny!
Thanks for the great stories and looking forward to seeing you on USA soon.
Hope everything else is going well.
I wonder what Heidi thinks of your youthful Sat. nights. Just curious.
Take care!
David