Computers are like women. You never know if you will be successful in turning them on…….and like my history with women I couldn’t turn mine on last night. I was in the middle of typing the last blog when my computer crashed quicker than Vanilla Ice’s career……ice, ice baby.
Like I do with my wife I begged, cried and swore at it to turn on and allow me to continue blogging but like any woman I have met it completely ignored me.
So, yesterday you had no blog thingy and the only reason my blog about fountains and space was posted is because I called someone called “the Computer Doctor” to come and see why my computer had gone on strike.
I found the “computer doctor” in the yellow pages phone book and expted a slightly geeky chap to turn up and fix Mrs. Dell…….so I was indeed surprised when instead of a spotty nerd with five pens in his top pocket I was astonished to open the door and find that Eva Langoria had left Desperate Housewives Street and had become “the computer doctor.”……..
She was stunning…….Now you are no doubt expecting me to make some jokes about hard drives and floppy discs but I won’t stoop that low. Hannah told me she was from Poland and I hoped her magical smile and short skirt would weave the same magic on Mrs. Dell as they had on me.
Well, it hasn’t and after an hour of re booting and a two cups of coffee Hannah told me that my 5 year old Dell was “braken and ees noo good”………she said this in her sexy Polish accent and even if she had told me that she found me as attractive as a slug and that if she was stranded on a small island with just me and a skunk for company that Sid the Skunk would get lucky before me…….it wouldn’t have mattered………I was in love. It was only after she had left and last hint of her perfume had disappeared that I realized ……… bugger………..my computer is broken and I will have to buy a new one……….and then …..double bugger ….I just paid $100 to Eva for bugger all.
So, tomorrow I have to buy a new lap top dancer thingy …..after all…….my Dell is 5 years old……….5 years old…….bloody hell……I have underwear older than that …..much older.
So, this is an apology blog for not posting yesterday and was written on my raspberry thingy. Tomorrow I will buy a new computer and normal service will be resumed ……….It’s time to go collect Heidi from the airport.
One thing’s for certain………I won’t be buying another Dell as its not my kind of woman …….did you know……..and I am not making this up …………that in Dutch……the word Dell….means ….slut………..no more women for me………….I need a man……….I need Mac.
Goodnight
Your friends
John and Heidi
Filed under: Europe
John,
Get the Mac Mini. Its weight is less than 6ibs and it starts at $499.00 USD! Let me know if you get one!
Hi John & Heidi
Now you are talking reliability. You definitely need to find a MAC. It will never leave you, it’s actually better than a dog. Thanks again for your delightful
blog thingy. Keep up the good work on your future
MAC “Ironman” computer. By the way, I don’t work for them, I’m just crazy about them.
Best to both,
Mary
John, so as you drive to the airport to get the lovely Heidi you can think how to tell her your a serial killer. First you kill her beautiful Dutch tulips. Then you have a polish Dell over to play with your thingy……….writer. But how are you going to tell her you need another lap dancer because the polish Dell said you thingy was kaput because you killed it with your bare hand.
BIG ED
John, you could have gone all day without saying that about your Dell lap dancer. I just bought one 2 weeks ago……………….. sighhhh
Carolyn
Hey John, Man U just beat Chelsea. Awesome!
Poor John, I hope Heidi does not read this and you do find a new and lovely lap dancing MS Dell.
YAY!! I was going to suggest it. Buy a MAC!!!!! We have 2 here and they hardly need any maintenance( believe me, Im writing this in a five year old with nothing done)
BTW, I see a dog house in your future because of this blog. Welcome home Heidi and you are free to slap John for this blog.
A big huggo for both
Nanni
If you had asked me I could have told you that Mrs. Dell would leave you one day… All of mine ( and I have a TON!!) have fried this, eaten that or gone to sleep and never woke up… Such is the way with computers… at least SOME computers…
I have to say, you’re getting VERY handy with your raspberry thingy, John! Well done!
Please tell Heidi I said ‘welcome home’ and tell Steph that she’s doing a WONDERFUL job!!!
Cheers!!!
GregB
dell or hell they both suck
Ithink dell,,
is made by the same company as
“toilet of the seas”
dude! i have a new macbook air and i love it! i mean her. i call her doris after doris day cause she is sleek and lovely and she is smart as a whip! good luck!
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
John,
If it’s any consolation, my Dell laptop blew up this weekend as well. Of course, I got the nerdy geek, who tells me I need a new motherboard.
Love to you and Heidi,
Princess Elaine
John,
Ditch the Dell…..They are all cursed machines. They put some spell on them at the factory….Now if you want a real machine go look at the HP laptops rugged and dependable as all get out………. psssssssssssss don say i told ya and lets keep this between us but Apple Products are ……. well lets say lower class…… If you purchase one you will discover the numerous issues with their opperating systems..(they actually makeVista look good) i do recommend however with your new laptop purchase the Vista Ultimate 64 bit opperating system you will be very happy with it.
I own 5 of the dv 9000 series laptops from hp ranging in age from brand new (mine) to 4 years old (my sons< and if he can’t kill it …well it cant be done) lol
Good luck
Bill
Hey John,
Sorry to hear that your computer broke. I just got a new computer too. It’s a Fujitsu T4220 Tablet PC. It’s like a normal laptop computer, but you can also swivel it around flat and write on it! http://www.tabletpcreview.com/default.asp?newsID=918
I highly recommend it. It’s a bit pricey at ~$2000 however. I lucked out by buying a “refurb” (couldn’t even tell!) on eBay for $1,215. It’s handy since it is very easy to carry around and take quick notes.
-Michael
http://theplaz.com
Mac Rules!
CONGRATES ON THE PADGE IN CURRNETS MAGAZINE ( :
FROM , YOUR BIGGEST FAN
JAKE S. ( :
ps. sorry I havnt blogged recently I was working on a letter for mr.cahill
Was worried when you didn’t post your blog. Just happy you and Heidi are ok and it was only your Dell that had the mishap. That can be replace but you and Heidi can’t.
Hi John
I Know how you feel My computer passed on Monday night. But there is a bright side the new one should be faster. I’m using 1 year old borrowed laptop till new my computer comes in and its way faster than my old desktop.
Hi There John!
I have a MacBook, Noonan showed me some cool tricks when I was on the Imagination and I can pass those right over to you while we’re in Genoa! I love my little laptop, and it is no trouble transferring files between the MAC and the ship computers!
I am fake stalking you so I can know what you and Heidi are up to before you go out to the ship… also I have been on vacation a looong time.
I am getting excited.
See you soon.
Jaime Deitsch
Mac’s are the way to go!
John – you did well to get 5 years.
My Dell started doing silly things a couple of weeks ago, so I ordered a new one.
New Dell laptop arrived Monday, set up Tuesday morning, and by Tuesday afternoon I had spilt a can of 7-up all over it. Wonderful. I was really happy, as you can imagine.
Result – need another one. One day it lasted!
B*gg*r It !!!!!
John,
for the love of god don’t buy a mac. They are goofy as hell and I know people that have all kinds of problems with them. If you travel a lot with it I suggest the Panasonic Toughbook. These are the ones that are in most police squad cars in the US. You can drop them and they are completely fine. I have a Lenovo laptop and I like that plenty as well. But I have to say that Dells do indeed suck.
_BigMike
Blog Security
Just found this on MSNBC and though I would share it:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24711659/
Seems pretty childish of RCI to me, makes Carnival look pretty good though. If I were them I would take that $500 and put it towards a REAL cruise.
_BigMike
Hi all
Thorpe Bay is a little village/town in essex england , nothing much happens here but its a nice place to live, next to the sea. A rather boring morning looking at kitchen units, then a trip to the local DIY store, and then the local shops, so as you can see a rather unexciting day that was until……..wait for it…… I saw…. the one and only…….. the man himself, JOHN……, nearly crashed the car, shouting out the window ‘John hi its me, Michelle from the blog’ poor man must have thought OMG another crazy women, waving and shouting at him, parked the car, nearly fell out of the car and walked very quickly straight into his arms (feel so embarrassed) it was like seeing a long lost friend.
I was thoughly star struck, WOW a celebrity in thorpe bay and I was talking to him, just wished I had my camera or my mum had seen it, she probably would have jumped on the man. Luckly Heidi arrived and I managed to get some sort of control of myself before I started shouting to all the locals ‘don’t you know who I am talking to’. Anyway home now, and cant wait to tell my kids and husband, I know they are going to think mums gone crazy, whats the big deal, but thought i would share with fellow bloggers and hopefully some of you will understand. A nothing sort of day just became a day to remember. Thanks Heidi and John.
See you soon
Michellex
I’m not surprised that today’s comment section has turned into various Fanboi FUD about different computers.
Actually I think the dead computer thingie is all an excuse on John’s part because he can’t get the strange perfume smell out of the house and Heidi has been away. :O
Just kidding John.
P.S. Just get the computer you want the differences these days between them is minimal.
Hi John/Heidi:
Mac would be the way to go.
You should make the transition.
At least you’ve become the Crackberry pro.
Thanks for thinking of us.
David
I love the MAC / PC commercials…..
“Hi, I’m a MAC …and I’m a PC…..”
http://www.apple.com/getamac/ads/
I’ve vowed to get a MAC one of these days when Mr. PC takes a dive off the deep end…. One of those very cool, incredibly thin Mac Book Air laptop dancers would be awesome…..not to be confused with the incredibly thin supermodels which are now outlawed in France.
Mark
Return of the MAC
Michelle Man – just hilarious. For the thousands of us reading the blog, John and Heidi are celebrities.
Now am I the only corridor warrior wondering why Carnival isn’t ponying up for the Polish Eva Langoria bill and the laptop dancer? It stands to reason that the blog killed the laptop as sure as the short Chinese lady plays mahjong (search the old blogs friends). And shouldn’t some poor Miami computer tech guy be doing the purchasing rather than having every Carnival employee purchase laptops and submits receipts?
Looking forward to news from the Carnival Splendour (Spelled – well, you decide).
John
John,
Yes, I think it’s time to go to “the White Side,” and plunge into the wonderful world of Apple.
We’ve had a MacBook Pro as well as the iMac on which I’m typing this message. Daily use for both, and not a single problem.
In any case, it makes sense — that given your position and prestige in the world, you should become a “Mac Daddy” in every aspect.
J&K Watts
Veterans of the 1st Bloggers Cruise.
Hi John and Heidi
John you actually got excellant service from your computer. I am the IT manager at our office and we recycle laptops every 3 years. With the amount of travel you do with yours you got the expected life of the machine. We only buy Dell because the tend to have the best warranty and machines. If you get the correct warranty they come to you to get it fixed when there is a problem.
How is Todd handling the Med? We were on the TA last Oct with him, so we know how big a change from the Caribbean cruises it is.
Have a good finish to your vacation and enjoy the Splendor.
Dave … and Barb
PS: did you see the article about the people being banned from RCCL?
Just 3 words, MAC BOOK AIR!
Hey John, just want to throw in two bits: any laptop you get would really do; HP, Dell, Mac. Whatever you don, DO NOT get Vista! Absolutely worthless and has more security holes than a Frenchman’s undergarments! I have several programming friends who swear they will not write code for that product… just check out the Microsoft Help forums (at MS.com) for verification… hundreds of posts about difficulty with that OS. Stick with XP Home or Professional edition if you stay with a Dell/XP. I’m not to up on Macs, but the friends that have them swear by them as much as I swear by my AlienWare (it’s a top-end customized gaming laptop… yes, I’m an online game geek…). Lots of good advice on here, though, so you’re going to be in good hands either way you go
noooo not a mac!!!
Oh ya Hi John,
It has been a bit since I posted but I do enjoy readiding every word, been finishing up on the boys with the homeschooling one more week and they ….we are free for the summer. first thing is blackberry picking as there are a lot wild near by us. will make squares out of some and hoping to get enough for jam… if the boys don’t eat them all.
Well that is our update, sorry to hear about the computer problems but to get a mac you will have to learn a new operating system and the disks you may have now probaly will not work in them so if you really want a different one try a HP or Tosiba but avoid gateway. oh and my Del is still running great we have 2 dell laptops but 2 HP desktops and are happy with both and the is a lot from us as we have no need to call “computer Doctors” as we can do all that ourselves. just put a new hard drive in my kevin’s laptop and it runs great now, and added 1 gig of ram ot both laptops too…… Well not sure you will have a clue what all that was so I’ll say we made the run faster and hold more stuff.
Best wishes to you and Heidi and your future computer too
The one
and only 1
Heidi-Beth
John,
Saying that you are thinking about buying a CrApple computer is like telling us you are losing 60 lb. to go climb a rock wall.
As a long-time laptop user, I can tell you that 5 years is more than the lifetime of a machine–not because they break, but because they become obsolete. I still have a 9-year-old Toshiba laptop, painted pink for my Grand-daughter to use. It works. My 7-year-old Toshiba is churning like a champ at my daughters house. And my 3- and 2-year-old Toshibas travel everywhere I go, including onboard Liberty and Freedom, where I taught classes from around the world.
I’ve had other brands, but Toshiba is the one that’s taken a licking and kept on clicking!
By the way – stay with XP as long as you can – Vista sucks like a Hoover, and that’s being kind!
Rus
John, you are correct. Apple Macbook is the only way to go. I started with an HP it could not find the internet connection in my house less than fifty feet away. I had to work with some guy from India named Bob. Afer an hour on the phone it became clear that Bob did not know anymore than I did about my problem. You will be happy with a Macbook . I received more information from the person in the Apple store in five minutes than from Bob after an hour on the phone. Best of luck.
Mike
John,
I love the Blog, but don’t buy a MAC. They are crap, go with an HP.
Hi John,
Well, I have a Compaq laptop and have had no problems with it for over 4 years. It has gone everywhere with me. I’m not a computer geek, but I do believe HP bought them out.
My daughter has a MAC…it does things I never knew you could do on a laptop! She loves hers, and has no problems at all. I will probably get a MAC when mine dies just because I have heard NOTHING good about Vista. I work on my laptop, and I could have lost jobs if I had Vista on my laptop.
Tell Hedi hi and we would love another blog from her and any pictures she might have from her holiday.
Please stay out of the doghouse!
Princess Susan
John,
Sorry to hear about your laptop. I’ve never had any problems with Dell. Although, I would recommend any PC over MAC. I’ve used MAC computers and it’s great and all, but most of the work I do on computers don’t work on MAC… so I stick with PC’s. I just upgraded my 8 year old desktop with loads of new hardware and it works like a brand new computer now. As some bloggers said, do stick with Windows XP. I’ve heard a lot of bad things from Vista!! I heard that Microsoft is planning to stop selling Windows XP next month, so get it before it’s too late!
Well, I’m glad that you guys are ok and that only a computer death occurred… Hope Heidi had a great time!
Cheers,
Alex G.
Hi John
Sorry about your Dell
We have an HP
@ home.
The Mrs has a HP Pavillion Laptop9626 but it has Vista and we wanted to have XP on it for her work compatibility. It is a struggle with Vista, but we are working on it. Good luck with your search.
The Tuckers
Arnold & Elizabeth
I concur with Alex G.: get XP before Billy Gates stops production of it. If you miss out, check into Mozilla/Firefox, a really great alternative (it’s on my desktop and lap top dancers). But whatever you do, don’t get Vista. Because if you thought you had difficulties with your Dell before, anything you get with Vista will make you want to spend time in Paris making friends with Frenchies more than work on your blog thingy…
Hi John,
Get a Mac! Don’t listen to any of the people who are telling you they are no good. Especially the ones who write it MAC… It’s not MAC… It’s Mac! People who write it MAC don’t know what they’re talking about.
Doug
What, no photo(s) of the “the computer doctor”?
Love your column. Do you live on the ship full time?
Josh’s Toshiba has survived two years of dorm life.
He loves it.
I also agree…stay away from VISTA!!!!
It is on DJ’s computer and I hate it.
Linda
John,
Do the MAC !!!
John,
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my MacBook Pro – almost as much as I HATED my Dell. Good riddance & welcome to the wonderful world of Mac!
Hi Mr Heald,
Do NOT get a Mac. My friend Douglas (Adams) was a big Mac fan, but I never agreed with him. Even he said that their old “Powerbook” was much like Greenland in that it was named after one of its chief faults – it worked an hour after being plugged in two days. Not to mention the Mac has a different operating system. As someone who used to work in computer manufacture, the hardware doesn’t vary much, but the software (not including Microsoft’s current debacle) varies greatly, and if you are accustomed to MS operating systems, don’t switch unless you are ready to take classes.
Hey John,
Once you go Mac, you never go back my friend!!! I am a music producer so I have been using Mac for quite a bit. It is hell using these PC’s here at work. Have you purchased it yet?