It was Heidi’s turn yesterday evening to take command of the remote control because the following night I would be watching the football and I am sorry to report that it’s been a bad week for the world’s wildlife. I know this because I was forced to endure a night of watching the National Geographic which, as I refuse to take her on Safari is the closet she will get to seeing a Lesser Spotted African Bog Pig.
Firstly we watched a program that told us that Macaque monkeys have joined a list of 300 species in which the females are known to prefer girl-on-girl action to sex with a male……………….this means the females are watching The Ellen Degeneres Show while the males have become Monk Monkeys.
It was also revealed that the formidable leatherback turtle has been put on the endangered list. But because the turtle spends most of its life half a mile below the surface of the sea, scientists have been unable to say whether the scarcity of numbers is due to rampant lesbianism or ruthless South American tuna fishermen. It’s a shame I guess especially as the Turtles have been around for hundreds of years and some that are still living are older than a RCI’s Cruise Director’s jokes.
Heidi seemed really upset about this and when I told her of my plan to avoid these ancient creatures of the ocean becoming an extinct species like the The Amazon Dodo, The Australian Thylacine, The African Quaga and French Soap, my head was immediately reunited with my old mate the remote control.
My plan is simple…………..if you want to stop an animal from becoming extinct then …………eat it…………….roast it, fry it, boil it or eat it raw…………….just eat it.
No, really. If someone could convince the housewives of California that the best way to eliminate wrinkles was a daily serving of Giant Panda meat drizzled in Macaque Monkey sauce, someone, somewhere, would figure out a way to get the lazy sods breeding again……………….and make millions selling the little buggers to Elizabeth Arden or Avon. The housewives would be happy, the shareholders of the cosmetic companies would be happy and there would a Macaque Monkey on every street corner.
However, if the Turtles are found to be of no help in the world of cosmetic surgery than I think I have another plan……………………………..we should use their shells for advertising.
In years gone by advertising was seen only between episodes of your favorite program or in magazines. Today, it is everywhere. Every time I turn on my computer I am bombarded with advertising asking me if I want a loan, a mortgage or a bigger penis……………I replied to only one of those by the way.
So, with the turtles…………well thousands of people sit and watch them as they move slowly around the beach………………..why then not paint a company logo on their Shells………maybe a company like…………….ummmm…………Shell…………..would be interested and the money they pay to have their logo painted on them could be spent on building a special breeding farm…………….they could call it The Shell Station.
Carnival Cruise Lines spends a lot of dollars on advertising and I think our new commercials are brilliant by the way and it is therefore that I think my blog should have some advertising on it. With anywhere from 30,000 – 70,000 readers a week I think we should have some fun advertising boards……………….I am not talking about the ones inviting you to marry a Russian girl called Olga or one of those magical blue pills ………….
I am talking about a nice small company like Yahoo, McDonalds or Aston Martin……………something we can all associate with……………maybe even a Carnival Corporation friendly Travel Agent……………or a cartoon character of a smiling Leatherback Turtle moving slowly across the screen with “Cruise Carnival” written on its back.
Well, the Carnival Splendor awaits and before her we will be welcoming the Eurodam which will join the Holland America fleet on July 1 when Queen Beatrix or “Betty” as she is known in Holland will name this stunning vessel in a huge gala ceremony. I just popped over to the blog and I urge you to do the same and read all about the day-to-day life of the ship and her crew and a photo of Carnival Corporation Chairman and CEO Micky Arison visiting the vessel….. Here is the link thingy www.eurodamnews.com
I just finished another one-hour call about the naming ceremony and Godmother for the Carnival Splendor. ……………..I am so close to being able to tell you who it will be and the format it will take………………..I will I promise tell you as soon as I can………………but remember……………..you will be able to watch it live…………….right here on this blog thingy.
My punishment for suggesting we should have slices of Giant Panda in our sandwiches was Heidi insisting I had a haircut.
Even though we live 40 miles from Mum and Dad I insisted that if I was indeed going to have to go through this torture that I would go and see Giuseppe the barber who has been cutting my hair since I was eleven years old and I used sneak a look at an old copy of Playboy magazine……………for the articles of course.
The reason for this is because I have tried having it cut at one of these modern unisex salons where someone who looks like Paris Hilton greets you with a skinny mocha cappuccino chi tee latte before finally deciding to cut your hair. The problem here was that they always tried to give me a fashionable haircut which actually meant I left the salon looking as manly as Richard Simmons underwear drawer.
So, off to Giuseppe I went in my parent’s hometown of Thorpe Bay. Giuseppe has retired but his son has taken over the business and nothing has changed…………it’s the same haircut using the same pair of ancient clippers and while I was waiting I read the same Playboy magazine……………..for the articles of course.
As I came out looking younger and even more grey a car whizzed pass me and came to a sudden stop and a beautiful lady screamed my name…………….I panicked…………..did I owe her money?…………..was she a former lover whose heart I had broken?……………. nope ………….It was Michelle…………… a regular reader of the blog and someone who lives near Mum and Dad. She parked the car and hugged Heidi and I as though we were Brad and Angelina………………..it was a wonderful moment and when she left I felt pretty good. It was the first time that a lady had stopped in the middle of the street to hug me……………I love this blog thingy.
My mate Danny is making a huge, terrible mistake……………I have tried to talk him out of it but he is as stubborn as a herd of big stubborn things from Stubbornville……………..he is taking the family to Disney Land……………………….Paris.
OK, at this point some of you will be saying here he goes again making fun of the French…………but bare with me……………….it’s not just the French that are to blame for my torrid time.
The Americans are good at grinning and superficial bonhomie but this simply doesn’t translate in Europe.
Most of the staff I encountered had a Z in their name indicating that they were from somewhere to the east of Warsaw, and boy did they look peed off. Rightly so. You spend your entire life fighting the perils of Communism and your reward is dressing up as Donald Duck.
However, after I had spent hours queuing for rides that made me vomit and that you could only go on if you were 18 foot tall. Putting up with this and the peed off staff I at least could look forward to a fully loaded cheeseburger or turkey drumstick. with gallons of fries and ketchup……………………nope……………..this was Disney Land Paris……………..this meant I had a choice of smelly cheese served by smelly people or a Mchorse Burger.
Worst of all were the kids…………….thousands of them…………….and unlike the ones in Disney America where you can hear the words “awesome” echoing around the parks ……here…………it was mostly French kids shouting ” oh la la ” pushing and shoving everyone all the time.
Some say the devil is called Beelzebub and that he stored all the world’s evil in something called Pandora’s Box. I think the devil’s real name is Walt and he stored all the world’s evil in Disney World Paris……………………..oh, and while I was there I changed the words of that famous song to “It’s a smelly world after all.”
Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi
Filed under: Europe, Travel | Tagged: Carnival Splendor
John:
Thankfully, Disney World is one place I never have to worry about going to…since (as we all know) DJ and Mascots DO NOT get along!!!
Robin was asking for pictures of me as Cher….
so…below please find an array of pictures of our cruising so far this year.
The two photos with the older gentlemen are my new friends who were EX POWs.
Also included is Josh as Ricky Martin and then..
(drum roll please) Me as:
Cher, Gloria Estefan and Elton John
And I have to admit…I look best as….
ELTON JOHN!!!
(Look out monkeys…here I come!!!)
http://community.webshots.com/album/563551479QIEXwD
Linda
John,
We ventured to Eurodisney last summer while in Paris. It was a cold, rainy day,however, our daughter insisted we do Eurodisney because the grandchildren had done a lot with us on the cruise. So, off we went! It was very similar to the one in Orlando!
Ruth
Hello John & Heidi
Oh Joh Too Funny
The “Shell Station”
But I do like the idea of the trutle shell carusing accross the screen saying carnival cruise lines with the crystal azure waters lapping on the shore and the cruise ship out in the background, only problem is the turtle is slow and the blessed comercials are only 30 seconds long, otherwise great idea.
as far as WDW PAree, I never gave it much of a though but you probably gave it the true french spin, it sounds about right, We live 30 min from the WDW in Orlando anad can almost hear the squeels of delight from here.
You also hit the nail on the head with the Nat Geo Channel. The Big Kahuna has been watching this channel more and more, and I agree with your take on it. The only show I like to watch there is the Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan, at least he trains the people who ownn the animals. Now that’s psychology!
Take Care
The Tucker’s
Arnold & Elizabeth
Hi John/Heidi:
Looking forward to hearing more about the Splendor launch. Just found out from my mother last night that she will be on the maiden Scandanavian voyage with you (so i told her to be on the lookout…).
We are trying to figure out who the CD was on the Holiday (1990), Festival (1990), and Fantasy (1991?) Think you might be able to give us the answer? She’s trying to get VIP status but apparently there is a lack of info going back to the late 80s/early 90s.
At least you didn’t have to spend $150 for your unisex haircut at the salon. Plus you got to revisit the ol’ Playboys from your youth. How bad could that be?
Thanks for posting.
David
David:
If your Mom will go to her Profile page on Carnival and select “Cruise History”..then select
“Add cruises” … she can add the cruises that are missing.
They will then contact her for “proof”. We had to have 8 cruises added starting in 1982 and they accepted Embarkation pictures!! We faxed them to Carnival and within the week…it was done!!!
Good Luck and I hope she has a fabulous cruise!
Linda
Well John, sounds like you got your new laptop, so what did you wind up getting? I noticed you said you get loads of advertisements online, I guess the one you checked out was for a loan, having to buy the new computer, huh? HA! HA! You need to get back on a ship, you talk about kids like they are nothing but brats! Maybe French kids are, I don’t know! Anyway if you want to be a daddy someday soon better start learning how to change a diaper, and feeding a baby too! Will you be breast feeding John? HA! HA! Can’t wait to hear about the Godmother of the Splendor! Have you ever been to Disneyworld in Florida? It is only 1 hr. from where we live. It’s fun to act like a kid again, try it, you’ll like it! Glad Heidi is home. Looking forward to the day you start answering our blogs again. Good luck with the diet, only 1 week till you start it! Linda & Mike
Ahhh, commercialism! Why not!! John, do you remember the American Airlines logo strewn about on the space station and such in ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’??? I think forcing those beasties to have some commercial worth is a brilliant idea! But, then, what do I know???
In actually, it makes no difference to me who the Godmother of the Splendor will be… it could be Roseann Barr and I’d still watch! Well… maybe not…
Please tell the lovely Heidi I said hello and offer my best to the Amazing MOB, Stephanie!!
Cheers!
GregB
John, about the advertising… it’s already here! Marketers are figuring out this this sort of in-depth personal connection with a company is far better for growing a long-term connection with a brand than any logo painted anywhere (including turtles).
Speaking of your turtle plan… I think your “friend” from PETA would not be happy… but it does make sense in a way. This is already happening in Africa with safaris. Townspeople know not to kill the animals because they attract tourists. Same with the commercial preserves you offer tours to. Will you start offering a half-mile dive tour?
Hello John. Did you read my review of the May 10, Glory cruise? Look forward to hearing from you!
Rosco P. Coltrane
Sheriff
These computer thingys can be very frustrating at times. I had a response all typed up and the page went goofy on me and I lost it.
I have to agree with you on D’land Paris, one of the worst places on earth and I love WDW. We first visited in 1992 and then again in 2003 and the staff were still just as p-off’d and the guests just as rude as ever. Enough of that and here’s to hoping to not seeing France again.
Please Respond:
Do you know if the Dover port will have VIP check in? We have an SS booked and understand that VIP check in is one of the perks.
Looking forward to hearing who the Splendor’s godmother will be.
Looking forward to meeting you soon.
Barb
John -
>>>Every time I turn on my computer I am bombarded with advertising asking me if I want a loan, a mortgage or a bigger penis……………I replied to only one of those by the way.
I have to ask the obvious question – were you satisfied with the results of the product?
Sorry, I could not resist. I fully expect a visit from Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane.
JustTrouble
Great pictures of you and your family, Linda.
You’re right, you look good as Elton John!!!
Cindy
Hello John and Heidi,
Hope all is well with both you? My Uncle, Aunt and myself just got in this morning from a cruise of Cozumel and Progreso. Both very nice places but nothing like the Mediterranian Sea. We had the most fun in the clubs and at on certain place called the Neon Bar with a piano player by the name of Angela Johnson. She was GREAT and everyone had a GREAT time singing along with her. Last night she was told by the cruise Doctor not to sing because her sore throat was straining her vocal cords but, we took the bull by the horns and sang as she played and had a fantastic time!!!! We were on the Ecstacy for five days and enjoyed smooth sea’s and a very fun Captain. I am ready now to go back to work in Iraq and get ready for
my next cruise in 2009 of the Greek Islands. I hope to see you and Heidi on that cruise. Well take care my friends.
Your friend,
James
John – didn’t you know?
The turtles are already advertising RCL.
That’s why their shells resemble a climbing wall!
Hi John & Heidi,
I also had my Carnival history updated from the ’80’s. Luckily I still had some documents, and I did send the embarkation photos as well. So I now have my platinum status.
And, if I didn’t dislike all the hassle of flying to ports, now American Airlines has convinced me to only cruise out of New York. They are now charging for luggage – not a second or third bag, but your first bag. How do you go on a cruise with just a carry-on piece of luggage???? I’m waiting for the other airlines to do the same. So let’s add it up – charging for all luggage, charging for curbside check-in, no meals served, increased prices, flight delays, fuel surcharges. What’s left?
Sorry to hear about the Dell. I think you had a good long run with it. I know my sister’s family has a few from Dell and have had a few minor problems that were taken care of. Not major enough for them to go to a MAC. So good luck with whatever you choose.
Catch ya later,
Carol
John,
PLEASE ANSWER THIS!!!!!!
I know that there are different levels among Carnival passengers (ie Platinum etc.) I would like to have qualifications for each level. I am hoping we might be getting close!
Thanks!
Ruth
Hi Linda,
We had tried that with them but apparently the database does not go that far back so she has to come up with receipts of proof back then or something.
I don’t know about you, but i don’t have receipts going back to 1990. At least i hope you don’t
Thanks for responding Linda,
David
David:
One more suggestion…
is the Travel Agent she used still in business?
Sometimes they will have old records that can be used to verify.
Like I said, all we did was fax copies of the Embarkation pictures. (except the very first cruise) They accepted a Kodak picture of David in front of a ship and a copy of a luggage tag for that one. Don’t ask me why we still had one of the luggage tags????
Also, if you use a PVP, then enlist their assistance.
Our PVP was willing to help in any way he could.
Good Luck~!!~
Linda
Thanks for the ideas Linda.
I will pass those on to her.
Hi John and everyone,
Ladies, I went through that too with Carnival and I sent in a picture of me standing in front of the Jubilee as proof of sailing, and they accepted that. They were very nice to deal with.
John: Keep forgetting to congratulate you on that article about you, by Anita Dunham Potter…really nice job. Also the article in the new Currents magazine was great too. You are getting to be quite the celebrity these days…I keep saying that OPRAH, or RACHEL RAY, or maybe ELLEN DE GENERES, any of them or even better all of them, should have you on their shows as the newest “Sensation” of the cruise industry. Readership, and Comments would skyrocket even more by the next day!!!!!!!!!!!! Carnival would explode with all the extra customers!!!!!!!!! Other Cruise lines, What other cruise lines???????? Here’s another great idea, write a book, then go on a Book tour promoting it, just like Barbara Walters and Valerie Bertinelli just did. Just some thoughts…
Sue Muller
Commercialism and Capitalism… God Bless Life!!!
It makes the world go round: supply and demand.
Advertising gets more and more clever and subtle and ‘off-the-wall.’
I love it all!!!
Lambie
I am glad you like the new ads – but we needed to get more than one stinking verse of the Queen song. I end up on hold with other departments all the time and am dying for a switch to “In the mornin’, in the evenin’, ain’t we got fun?” As opposed to “Oooooh you make me feel (like hurling)” , by the 400th time thru the same chorus. I used to be a Queen fan