I used to play tennis once a year while on holiday. Though if you happen to be strolling by when I’m on court, you’d be unsure for quite some time that the spectacle has anything to do with what you see at Wimbledon because I am utter rubbish.
In my youth I learned that the best thing you could do in a game of tennis was develop an almighty serve. Accuracy was irrelevant because if you hit the ball at the same velocity as a right hook from Mike Tyson then the poor bugger on the other side of the net could not return it…………….and therefore I didn’t have to run around.
So, imagine my horror when this morning Heidi told me that after breakfast we were going to play tennis……………….”it will be good for you” she said as I pushed another piece of bacon into my mouth. At this point I should point out that Mrs. Heald is brilliant at tennis and represented Holland when she was 14……………yes…………she played for her country…………me………………I represented my local pub.
The last time I ventured onto a tennis court was 10 years ago in St. Thomas; I was younger, fitter and had less bacon inside me.
Anyway, there we were at 9:45 am this morning at the local tennis club on an indoor court. Heidi prepared by drinking that Alligator Aid drink thingy, stretching and choosing which racquet she would use…………I prepared by drinking a Diet Coke, stretching my throat and bottom muscles by getting rid of any unwanted gases and picking up my old racquet which last saw action when John McEnroe was screaming “You cannot be serious!”
We started by knocking a few balls over the net but I wanted to stop mincing about and get on with the game…………………..so we did………………I said I would serve…………Heidi had obviously remembered the last time we played because she stood miles behind the line thingy……..she was ready for my giant serve and I was ready to unleash the beast ……………………………I threw the ball high into the air and………bugger.
Unfortunately, my right arm had lost all its power, which means it no longer fired a Hellfire missile of a serve and instead the ball traveled over the net at the speed of a Centipede with one leg……………….bugger
This means I was in trouble because my lack of service power just starts a rally, and that’s exhausting, especially when you’re as fit as Superman with a lump of Kryptonite up his bottom. I couldn’t last more than an hour. A Blue Whale called Bjorn would have been more able out there…………………..game set and match to Heidi…………………bugger.
Anyway, I sit here with my muscles screaming at me and this is yet another reason as to why my June 1 diet will be so important.
In an hour or so Heidi and I will drive to Gatwick Airport to meet Duncan the Hotel Director and Lui the Chief Purser who are flying in from Genoa to meet with me and the people from the port of Dover. We will look at the meet and greet process at both Gatwick and Heathrow as well as discussing where people should report their missing luggage if they are flying into terminal 5 at Heathrow……………….kidding…………..things seem to be a bit better now and I will give you an update later today.
After our airport visit we drive to Dover, spend the night and then see the port tomorrow morning before driving home.
So, this means another hotel and in the car Heidi was telling me about her latest vacation desire now she knows there is as much chance of me going on safari as Boris Becker being her doubles partner.
This desire involves one of those hotel resorts in places like Bora Bora, Mauritius and Tahiti…………….of course this would be again a nightmare for me, arriving at the airport and being bowed to as your butler places loads of flowers around your neck so you look like a human garden center……….a house on stilts on the water surrounded by things that swim and flying things that have the head of wolf and a body the size of a Hummer and can take your head of with one bite………….no TV, no telephone or raspberry……sharing your bath with half a hundredweight of rose petals and finding your toilet paper folded into the shape of a swan every morning.
To complete the picture, the staff is dressed in national costume. Even the blokes in Tahiti had to wear skirts, and to complete their humiliation they walk up and down the superheated sand all day bringing me my bacon and eggs……… in bare feet……poor sods.
Heidi as always had an answer to all of this…………….”It will be a taste of paradise” she said “and everyone should taste it once in their lives”…………..well……….I disagree ……… this would not be paradise…….it would be totally boring and asking me to do this would be the same as asking a vegetarian to see what beef tastes like by licking a cow.
So, I am off to Gatwick and Dover and Heathrow and taking my wife, video camera and raspberry with me…….look out for another raspberry blog later today and a video or two tomorrow.
I am having a hard time writing the word Splendor because the Brit way of spelling it is Splendour…….that’s why we are telling all the British folks “come and sail the Carnival Splendor where the only thing missing …..is U.”
Cheers
Your friends
John and Heidi
Filed under: Europe, Tales from the Ship, Travel | Tagged: Carnival Splendor, Dover, Gatwick Airport, tennis
dude! you spelled splendor correctly! woo hoo! i love the only thing missing is u thingy too. very clever! june first isn’t far off, i am going to try also! oh the horrors!
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
“Heidi prepared by drinking that Alligator Aid drink thingy”
–Thanks for the University of Florida reference
And I’m a sucker for puns like the Splendo”u”r advertisement.
Jeez John,
Surely you can’t be that big a grouch and that unwilling to compromise when it comes to vacations. You’re starting to sound like my boyfriend… and that is precisely why I started leaving my boyfriend behind when taking trips. Now we take a trip that we can agree on together once a year and then I take a trip or 2 that I want to take by myself or with friends.
Tell Heidi that if she needs a willing travel partner to give me a call!
Speaking of traveling without the significant other… I spent this past weekend at the House of Mouse in Orlando with my good friend and fellow blogger Princess Elaine. We thought of you as we went on one particular ride… LOL!
Take care and safe journeys! Can’t wait for you to start blogging from the Splendor! Can you do an interview/profile on Lawrence Neals, the production singer on the Splendor? Thanks!
Cheerios,
Laura (aka divetrash, aka Princess Laura, the sweet and compromised from Big Ed’s Evil Krewe)
PS – Once you get back on the Splendor and start the Blogger Cruise planning in earnest can you confirm with us that you will work out a way for Ron Pass to be in the Piano Bar for the Bloggers Cruise v.2.0?
Oh oh…
This is one case where I prefer the Americanized version.
Splendor means magnificence, majesty, or grandeur….If John types Splendor with the British “U” making it Splendour…….Americanized eyes (perhaps mentality) may see and focus on the last four letters and immediately think …
DOUR….gloomy, dreary, harsh ….Something that the new Carnival Flagship is certainly not.
That word alone would give Joe Farcus conniptions…(waiting for that interview BTW)
Mark
The Fantabulous Dutchman
Hi John, You are right about Tahiti. We did a cruise around Tahiti. The cruise was nice. The islands are boring. All the islands looked alike. The people all talked and looked alike. Even the shopping was boring. The only thing for sale was sarongs and over priced pearls. The pearls on the ship were better and priced better. I am a professional shopper. When I say it was boring it was boring.
When you go to the caribbean each island is different and has a different character. The people and even the languages are different.
We went half way around the world for that. Bummer.
Jo
Morning John and Heidi
John your idea of tennis is exactly like ours, forgetttdaaboutttiittt!
Now Tahiti
Never been there but it I agree with Heidi it sounds like a place everyone needs to at least visit, sort of like Hawaii, check Bubbas blog.
Take Care
The Tuckers
Elizabeth & the Big Kahuna(Arnold)
Hi John,
That is an excellent advertising line! Carnival should pay you for that. I love it.
Heidi’s vacations keep getting more & more exotic. How come she hasn’t suggested going to visit your sister in Hong Kong? Have you been there? Visit her and then cruise the islands on Princess?
So keep us posted on today’s activities.
Hugs,
Carol
John, keep up the good work. As for me I’m leaving for the Carnival Liberty for a 7 day cruise with Steve as CD, had him on the Destiny in 06 and loved him, just thought I would say hey and I’ll see ya when we get back.
Hummm… I’ve always thought that a vacation in Polynesia would be wonderful… Maybe a bit too quiet but wonderful none the less… Gotta side with Heidi on this one, mate…
I recall, when I was in high school, making an off hand remark about the sexual orientation of the tennis team as I was doing shot put and discus. As soon as I turned my back I was soundly tagged by a tennis ball traveling at the speed of heat… That was my last questionable comment about the tennis team!!
I can’t wait (well… actually I can as I have not other choice…) for the pics and videos tomorrow!! Bring ‘em on!!!
Ciao, my friend!!!
GregB
Hi John/Heidi:
Loved the tennis story. Hope you start feeling better soon.
Is Heidi just as good as she was when she was 14?
Looking forward to reading more soon.
Thanks for posting and keep in touch.
David
LOL! For a bloke that dislikes the French with a passion bordering on mania, you’ve seemed to have missed that the silly extra letter ‘u’ you’re insisting on keeping in various words derives from their Norman occupation.
Can’t wait to see pictures of the Port of Dover and the SplenDOR in action! And I agree with you: those places in the South Pacific are just too far by flilght for me to have interest. By cruise, even.
John,
I’m on your side when it comes to vacations. My husband is a fisherman and where ever we go, he wants to fish. Ok, No problem, but I don’t go fishing, so sitting around the pool for days on end don’t thrill me at all. Shopping can only go so far because everyone has the same stuff. All the islands seem the same after awhile. That’s why I love the cruise. You can visit the islands and go back to the ship that has all the comforts of home and more.
Ciao, Kathleen
John -
If you won’t go to paradise, tell Heidi I will be glad to accompany her. I will even promise to burp, flatulate, complain about any form of exercise and question the direction of the smilie face just so she won’t stop loving you while dazzled with my brilliant and bubbly personality.
Jon
Mark G – will you be on the 5/31 cruise?
John: What kind of laptop did you get? Has Heidi ever been to Hawaii? You could take her on a cruise there someday! Won’t be long till you start your diet, and become a CD again on the Splendor. Do you miss work? Say hi to Heidi! Linda & Mike
John – Why not convince Carnival to sail to Tahiti and you could kill 2 birds with one stone? and those of us that would love to go there could come along for moral support!
Can’t wait for the pics and video…
Dawn
PS – Spell it however you want…I just can’t wait for July 13th to arrive and for me to be on-board
John…
Exercise is great.. but not too much and not all at once! Be good to yourself and start gradually!! But once you’ve started, don’t stop!!! Get up and do more tomorrow, or you’ll keep aching each time you resume…
You’ll find all those muscles and body parts you didn’t even know you had. What fun… think of it as a treasure hunt… then name all those new parts you experience: pet-names, nasty-names, swearing-names… Just KEEP WORKING them!!!
God Bless you!!
Best regards,
Lambie
hi john. i have a really cool idea for a show. i was thinking that during football season you could do the nfl theme mega mix with cheerleaders and stuff. now, already seeing the shows put together
for all us cruisers i am 100% sure you would have one hell of a show if you took this idea and put it into play. i know this by the type of person you are. jennifer and i look foward to cruising with you again. hopefully soon! TIM
Dear John & Heidi,
I know. I haven’t posted a response since the “Climb This” t-shirt incident! I’ve been reading the blog and keeping up with all of the hijinx of course!
Ilda & I are so looking forward to when you board the beautiful Carnival “Splendor” and, as Princess Laura put it, start blogging in earnest about the upcoming Blogger’s Cruise (who the heck IS this Earnest guy, anyway?)
We’ve been seeing so much of your blog making headlines in this, that or the other publication! We are SO looking forward to the 2009 blogger’s cruise and once again being reunited with many of the members of “Big Ed’s” Evil Krewe. We are soon to be busy planning our own group events for when we board the Carnival Fantasy!
Being a graphic designer, I am anxiously awaiting your interview with the incomparable Joe Farcus. I’m not sure if many of Carnival’s cruisers realize just what goes into the design elements of the fleet’s many themed ships. It is a Herculean task to say the least. Joe works with what amounts to a skeleton crew for a design group, yet over the course of the year and a half it normally takes to design the interior spaces of a Carnival mega-liner, they do an absolutley amazing job! I have always looked up to Joe Farcus and still hope to meet him one day. Ilda and I were just looking over our vacation pics from the first Carnival Blogger’s Cruise and began missing the wonderful people we have come to know and love (that includes YOU as well John and Heidi!)
Keep up the amazing work that you do and congratulations on what has now become a genuine online juggernaught!
Your friends…
Lance & Ilda
Hey John,
I know that Carnival is now experimenting with “Freestyle Dining” on the Carnival Legend. I think this is a great idea to add to Carnival Cruise Lines, especially because Princess already offers it. My family and I will be going on the Carnival Legend this December, and we were so glad to see that Carnival is offering anytime dining on our ship.
I cannot wait to see your show on the USA Network on June 21st.
I support you on your diet/ exercise thing starting June 1st.
Good luck with your diet,
Lizards821 (Daniel)
P.S. If it makes you feel any better about tennis, I am a horrible tennis player. I stink at it!
On this Memorial Day remember my friends who died for your freedom.
Dear Lord, lest I continue in my complacent ways, help me to remember that someone died for me today. And if there be war, help me to remember to ask and to answer “am I worth dying for?”~
Eleanor Roosevelt
Please respond:
John. Do you know who the cruise director will be on the Miracle on August 5, 2008? I am so excited to be taking my 7th cruise with Carnival. I hope someday soon it will be on the same ship as you. You make my day with this blog. Even on my worse days at work I find myself laughing out loud while reading this and getting really strange looks from the others around me. Have a great day. Say hi to Heidi
Splendour? LOL, probably the correct spelling (kind of like colour), but reminds me of people who call me asking about the Valour, pronounced “Valoor” which of course is a material that used to be used for car interiors . “Can we go on the Valoooooor?” “Sure, if you call your car uphoooooolstery shop.” Of course I can’t say that, but apparently Hooked on Phonics didn’t work for them ,lol