I guess we’ve all been through an airport at some point in the past few years and I guess we all turned up, as requested, two hours before the scheduled departure time and then faced the madness that flying anywhere involves these days.
I spent yesterday at Gatwick and Heathrow airports, two of the busiest airports in the world and as I was not flying myself I had time to pay attention to what was going on.
Obviously before that terrible day in September airports treated planes like buses. Security was so slack — the airlines didn’t even have to match luggage to passengers, for instance — that I’m surprised Bin Laden’s suicide jockeys had to resort to box cutters and could have boarded with a dozen AK 47′s and a tank in their carry on baggage. Now of course we have gone full circle and you cannot board a plane until you have been through security and had a dozen Spaniels sniff you everywhere……………
Deep down, I’ve always suspected that the two-hour rule is nothing more than airport authorities getting us into their giant shopping malls for an extra hour so we can spend more on power converters, bottles of $8 water and inflatable pillows.
My wife says I’m a cynic. So, okay then. If security remains the same and it has nothing to do with pre-flight retail therapy, why? Why does anybody think it takes two hours to walk from one side of a building to the other? With all the moving walkways at airports, I hardly think this is it. So why? In two hours, they could strip search me, tattoo the airline you are flying with on your bottom (not so good if you are flying Virgin) and still leave you enough time to buy a teddy bear wearing a Union Jack a tin od stale Harrods’s shortbread.
In talking to the agents at the airport today though I was shocked to hear the following news.
If you fly first class or business they told me check-in takes 60 minutes. It’s only people in cattle class who are asked to get there two hours before the plane’s due to leave.
This is crazy. Club-class people still have to get a boarding pass. Their bags still have to get to the plane.
So why should a club-class passenger be capable of getting to the plane in an hour when people in the back need two? Are airport authorities suggesting that people at the back can’t read direction signs properly and get lost a lot? Are they saying people who are not at the front of the plane cannot walk past Burger King without stopping to buy a last minute Big Whopper thingy and fries thus missing their flight to Boston?
Are we to understand that people who are not wearing a Rolex but instead are wearing a Timex cannot tell time?
I asked this question and they put me severely in my place. They told me its never the business people who are paged because they are not onboard but the people who have been at the bar all day drinking and are so happy that they can’t remember their own names without trying to make it to a certain gate at a certain time.
It’s not the folks in first class who have no idea that bringing liquid, cosmetics and a bow and arrow on a plane is not allowed and therefore take longer at security………………this is a fact said the folks from the British Airport Authorities……………………and after I climbed down from my pedestal…………I felt an idiot……………and had to admit I was wrong.
I also have to say that the new Heathrow Airport terminal 5 is stunning, however that will not help the thousands of people whose luggage was lost. I was assured that things are much better now and that Heathrow Terminal 5 is now much better and by the end of the year should have reached the same standard as Albania’s Crapov International Airport.
Still, the team and I have put into place a wonderful meet and greet system for all the guests flying into London and also arranged the same 5 star service for guests when they return after their 12 day cruise………………………..seriously, things are getting better at Heathrow and I am sure you and your Samsonite will spend a wonderful cruise together.
Following the airport visits we endured the holiday traffic and drove to Dover to see the port facilities and my goodness are they excited that Carnival Cruise Lines is coming to town. We met and discussed the luggage embarkation and debarkation as well as transportation needs.
So, if anyone is sailing on the Carnival Splendor and you have a question about the debarkation and or embarkation process please slap on a comment marked ” STEPHANIE – PLEASE HAVE JOHN REPLY “……………she will send it to me…………….and I will………..reply straight away.
Now, with regard to the Bloggers Cruise I have persuaded the folks at Carnival to give us one dining room reserved just for us. This means that Heidi and I can eat every dinner with you all and we can have our own unique entertainment in there each and every night. So far we have 400 people booked…………….but there is still room for you……………I hope some of you will book and come along for what will be a cruise to remember…………..always.
I will chat with you about the pre cruise activities and other voyage details soon.
So, here I am back at home. Actually I am at my Mum and Dads, as I still have not replaced my computer, which I want to smash with a hammer, but Heidi won’t let me.
The entire journey home I have been worrying……………worrying about if I upset the agent by arguing with them about the class thingy and worrying if my plans for debarking 3300 guests will work………………..Heidi says I worry to much……………….she never worry’s and lives her life in a state of ” everything will be OK “…………in fact the only thing she has been worrying about is her lack of Swedish Fish………….not herring you understand but those sour candy things called Swedish Fish………….she loves them……………they are her new ” thing ” so if you happen to be sailing soon and want me to buy you a bottle of champagne or 7………….I will for the odd Swedish Fish.
Anyway, back to worrying.
The trouble is that after about four billion years of worrying about being eaten by a dinosaur, getting bird flu, world wars and people who want to blow us all to kingdom come, we’ve been left with an inability to stop worrying when actually everything’s fine.
We worry today about the onset of baldness and cellulite with the same intensity as people in 1665 worried about the great plague. Today, for instance, the sun is shining, the sky is a cobalt blue, the thermometer is nudging 75F, I am not in the dog house and yet here I sit worrying about if the diet coke I just drank will make my teeth fall out and if this blog is worthy of your time.
Its sad but older people always believe that life was better when they were younger. Hearing tales of my mother’s upbringing is like being immersed in a warm bath with Mr. Rogers and the entire neighborhood…………………everything was warm and cozy and full of good thing. Back then you didn’t worry about the Stats at your daughter’s school or the length of her skirt or if she had met some predator on the Internet.
I look today at those people on Jerry Springer prattling on about their tormented love lives and I can’t help thinking: “Yes, it can’t have been nice to come home and find your son in women’s underwear, but not that long ago you might have come home to find he had been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Then we have today’s army of stress counselors who are on hand to iron out the emotional creases after some minor accident at work. They tell us that life in the 21st century is more complicated than ever before, but it just so isn’t.
By encouraging us to fret about minor injuries and bits of the international space station dropping on our heads and the threat posed to mankind’s very existence by eating red meat, smoking the odd cigar and my Range Rover causing bloody global warming, we’ll all be completely unprepared for the day when those nutcases in North Korea and Iran point a few Nukes at us and we really do have something to worry about.
So, no more worrying for me……………….instead I shall enjoy these last few days at home and prepare myself for the fantastic Carnival Splendor.
Finally, tomorrow is Memorial Day.
We give thanks for all who have chosen to serve their country. We give thanks for their bravery, their commitment, and their love.
But we know that when armies meet on the field there are always some who don’t come home.
And so we pause in the memory of those who went and did not return to mothers, fathers, husbands, wives and children left behind…………………….we honour them all here today.
Lest we forget.
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
dude! how is that thing you say? um-a-bov-a-duh? ha ha ha
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
John… don’t worry about it…
Have you, like me, ever wonder where all those clearly marked suitcases that never made it to their rightful owners end up? I’m sure that they get sold for a few cents a piece and whatever there is of value inside ends up at a flea market in Calcutta… I’m sure that someone named Babbu is thoroughly enjoying the scotch that I bought on my last cruise…
Ya’ know… I’ve never had a problem with going through security. I’ve never been caught with a vial that contained 3.5 ounces of a liquid instead of the required 3.4. I’ve never had my bow and arrows confesciated… It’s not all of us in the cattle call seats that are the problem, just a few but that few can burn precious minutes so I suspect that there’s some validity to what the Gatwick ticket agent claimed.
I LOVE the idea of a dining room reserved for the Bloggers!! What a wonderful idea!! Hundreds of like minded, if slightly tilted, cruisers in the same dining room at the same time!!! Wonderful!!
I looked at Swedish Fish on their web site… It seems they’re made of sugar, sugar, more sugar and Carnuba Wax. I suspect that when Heidi tires of eating them you can polish your Range Rover with the remainder.
All the best to you and Heidi in the last days of your ‘vacation’!!! Pass along my thanks to the wonderful MOB, Stephanie!!!
Cheers!!
GregB
John,
Please cut out the Diet Coke on June 1 also. There are chemicals in it that make you more hungary, therefore making it harder to loose weight.
I know you drink diet for diabetic reasons, but people switch to diet all the time, thinking that thet will loose weight, when in fact you just end up eating more becase of the hunger-inducing chemicals.
Here’s to sticking with water come June!
John,
Well, now it is time for you to go back to enjoying what you love to do…making people laugh and enjoy their vacation time. You do a wonderful job!!
Keep up the Bloggers Cruise news so we can make our arrangements accordingly.
Yes, Memorial Day is always bitter/sweet. Lest We Forget!! We love our Freedom, but it doesn’t come Free.
Ciao, Kathleen
Dear John
My fellow worrier,
I worry about everything. I can relate to this blog my friend.
I had our wills updated in case we didn’t make it home from the Freedom last year.(go figure). I worry about my sons (26 & 30) who are vacationing in Scandanavia as we speak, probably having a good time, If they had gone to Iraq I probably would be a basket case. SO I can imagine what my grandmother was when 6 of her 12 children went into the service those many 50+years ago to serve their country and left the girls home with her to mind the farm. I like you will be thinking of them this memorial day,I am the army brat the daughter of a soldier, the wife of a retired navy man, I grew up surrounded by “men” serving their country young and old from as far back as I can remember. I honour them all.
Take Care
The Tuckers
Elizabeth(the brat)
& Arnold(the retired navy man)
HEY JOHN
about your old dead beat up dell hell pc
you should get a SONY VAIO,,,,
very good pc,,,like the ,,
ASTON MARTIN OF LAP TOPS
and the come in black,,,,
say hi to all,,,,,,,,,,,,
tom & jane
John:
I have to say I am not a fan of flying.
So anything you and your associates can do to make it a better experience, I know is greatly appreciated!
I did have to laugh when I thought about going through Security at the Tampa Port before we boarded the Legend last week. They do an excellent job by the way. But the guard that was xraying one of my backpacks full of cans said (very nicely, but with a “this is a naughty thing to do” voice) “Is this beer?”
And I replied proudly, “No,this is mini-Ravioli and Beefaroni.” I can honestly say I confused him!!!
Our friend Tom that manages Paradise Beach in Cozumel loves Mini-Ravioli; but can’t get it down there. I bring him a dozen or so cans when we visit.
It makes for an interesting conversation with Port Security.
Linda
I think another reason the club class crowd can go through the airport in 1 hour is that a) there are fewer of them overall than cattle class, and b) most airlines have a special short check-in line. So the class divisions have different hurdles to get over and if you pay more, they lower the hurdles
Besides, most club class folks have enough inherent power that they don’t feel they need to back it up with a bow and arrow.
John,
Loved your blog. I am so happy about us blogger’s getting our own dinning room.
I am looking forward to meeting Greg B. I really enjoy reading your comments.
John, thanks for remembering the men that served their country. Here in Springfield, IL the IL National Guard unit 3637th is coming home from Iraq tomorrow. I mention this because this was one of my husband’s units until he got out of the service. I will remember the ones not coming home. I will be out there lining the parade route for them waving the American flag. No matter how you feel about the war….these are the real hero’s that stepped up and served and we should show them our appreciation. Another one of my husband’s units is over there…the 101st Airborne from Ft. Campbell, KY. I will remember them also.
Everybody have a great holiday, cookout, or whatever you are doing…and take a minute to say thank you to those who deserve it.
OK, I’m off my soapbox.
Princess Susan
Let me see if I read this correctly -
“They told me its never the business people who are paged because they are not onboard but the people who have been at the bar all day drinking and are so happy that they can’t remember their own names without trying to make it to a certain gate at a certain time.
It’s not the folks in first class who have no idea that bringing liquid, cosmetics and a bow and arrow on a plane is not allowed and therefore take longer at security………………this is a fact said the folks from the British Airport Authorities”.
AND JOHN YOU BELIEVED THEM??? YOU BOUGHT THAT HOOK, LINE AND SINKER???
You were not an idiot to think the way you did before their dissertation, nor are you one now. You are just too trusting to ever believe that those folks could have given you such a whopper. Just remember that figures never lie, but liars figure. And, anyone can make statistics prove any hypothesis they want.
Oh no! After reading the comment about how Diet Coke can make you more Hungary, I am very worried: will Diet Pepsi make me more Czech?
Barbara very well said I could not beleave John belieaved that hogwash,I guess the rich and famous do not par take at bars or get delayed by extra acivities,Im using your line” Just remember that figures never lie, but liars figure. And, anyone can make statistics prove any hypothesis they want.” Very true!
-Sandra
New Brunsick,Canada
John -
Sadly, seven years after that tragic day, we must pay a price for our freedom – that price is to queue up for security measures to be sure that some other nut isn’t trying to turn the airplane we are scheduled to fly on into a deadly weapon.
Thank you for your salute to those who have given their lives in the cause of freedom. And, let us not forget those on the losing side who lost their lives, as well. The overwhelming majority of these individuals were merely following the orders of egomaniacs.
God, protect those who serve the cause of freedom, wherever they are this day.
Jon
John, the blog content is one less thing you need to worry about. You have thousands of blog friends out there who are just as content to read about bodily functions or miss adventures of an overweight English Senior cruise director. The ship reviews and guest blogs are real treats but the heart and soul of the blog is John Heald. Just continue to be your self and things will work out fine.
Hi John,
I’d feel so much better if Terminal 5 was referred to as Departure Lounge 5. Using the word “terminal” doesn’t inspire any confidence in me.
I passed through Terminal 5 in Heathrow a few weeks ago, on route from visiting your long lost cousins in France, on my way to meet the Freedom for her transatlantic sailing.
The building is indeed quite magnificent. And they did indeed manage to lose my luggage. Amazingly BA did manage to find it and send it over to the Freedom the next day, before we departed Miami. I got lucky that the ship sailed late.
Good to hear that plans for the Blogger’s Cruise are moviing along. And interesting to hear that our CruiseMates Blog2NOLA group comprises a half of those booked already.
I do think it’s time to release some more details, so we can continue to promote this cruise, and attract more people. I know anyone who joins will most certainly be happy they do!
I realize Splenor planning is taking much of your time, but throw us Blog2NOLA cruisers some more crumbs to share
Regards,
Kuki
CruiseMates.com
Dear John,
For many years I was a “worrier” to the point of having panic attacks anytime something I wasn’t expecting happened. That’s extreme. I finally got to a point in my life where I didn’t want to live that way and worked hard to get out of the life of chaos. Since then my life has worked much better!
My husband recently experienced a major health problem and I know that if I was still the “worrier” I once was I wouldn’t have survived his illness mentally intact. Life is precious and best when enjoyed.
I have found great peace in living one day at a time and although I’m certainly not perfect I feel like I am able to worry about the things that warrant worrying about and deal with everything else as it comes.
My father once said that his and my mother’s marriage worked because they agreed that he would worry about the big stuff and she would worry about the small stuff and he realized that it was ALL small stuff – so why should he worry!
So, don’t worry about every little thing! You’re a smart man – trust yourself and leave the little stuff to Heidi!
Regards,
Anne E.
John,
WOO HOO!!! A dining room of Bloggers: on a Krewe-se of a lifetime!!! WOO HOO!!! How do we make sure we’re part of that seating??? Do we need to book a late or early seating?? Or is the code in our booking automatically changing our seating?? I definitely want to sit in THAT dining room… it will be: ‘Eating with the Healds.’
Swedish Fish: I’ve been eating them since High School… They used to make my tongue red, but I think they changed the red food color formula. It probably caused evil and terrible problems! (Is that why I’m CRAZY???) Oops… something for me to worry about… NOT!!!!
I don’t worry about much. I’m like Heidi in that. If I can think of the worse that would happen, and know that I can handle that… why worry? Life happens… we hear about it every day in this Blog thingy… and then it keeps moving forward.
We’re an adaptable species and can put up and handle so much! We may not like it, we may complain (and they all seem to find your cruises…) but bottomline… we adapt and move on… Those that don’t are usually moved out of the way… Or they’re paused and miss a lot of life.
John… We want more secrets and news on the Blogger’s Krewe-se… MORE. MORE, MORE!!!!
You’re wonderful!!! Regards to patient and calm Heidi and the always adapting and wonderful Stephanie!!
Lambie
John, it sounds like you and Heidi complement each other perfectly! There is no sense in both of you worrying. I don’t tend to worry much. If there is something I can do about a situation, I try to do it. If I can’t fix something, there is no sense in worrying about it!
Our own dining room, GREAT!
HI John/Heidi:
I agree that we should appreciate what our soliders have done for us. So many other things that are just nonsense out there that we forget the importan things
Thank you again for taking the time to mention this.
Hope everything else is going well.
Take care,
David