With my diet in mind and knowing that exercise will play an unfortunate major part in what is about to happen I realised that I needed to go shopping. This is because unless I was going to be wearing a blue blazer and grey woolen trousers on the treadmill I had nothing to wear.
As I am not an athlete, a drug dealer or listen to Pee Daddy or Snoop the Dog I don’t own a tracksuit, jogging bottoms or anything slightly sporting. Therefore, I went to a sports shop, it had the word Mega on the sign so I guessed they would have what I wanted.
I asked the assistant for some workout/jogging bottoms. He asked me what sport I would be doing and when I answered that I wasn’t going to do any sport but would be selling drugs on a street corner and wanted to look the part he looked at me thinking I was serious and hoping I may have had some whacky tobacco he could buy.
Anyway, I bought a grey pair and a blue pair and after I had swelled Mr. Nike’s bank balance and buggered off.
The next thing on my shopping list was toiletries. I have a cold at the moment…………..of course being a man and being the worrier that I am I thought it was something much worse.
My nose was full of hot molten lava and if I had sneezed into a can I could have sold it as Campbell’s Pea Soup.
“I have Ebola,” I told Heidi……………….”No you don’t,” she said……………”You have a cold”………”Maybe it’s bird flu,” I replied…………….”Nope,” …………….”It’s a cold,” she said.
Well, unless you can cure Ebola with Tylenol and a cup of tea, Heidi was right, it wasn’t Ebola………….I had a cold.
Anyway, as Heidi was home packing I had the task of buying supplies of toothpaste, soap and all the other joys of the bathroom. This included various creams and potions for Heidi and I could not believe my eyes when I saw the price of some of them.
Now, I should point out that I never go shopping. My wife is a genius, she knows what we are about to run out of and what we need, whereas if I do go to the supermarket I tend to buy what not what I need but what I want…………which is usually a block of cheddar cheese and some spotted dick.
Anyway, today I wandered the shelves looking for Elizabeth Arden Zit Cream and something ridiculously named shampoo thingy called Bed Head and some make up that has been designed by that singer Bobby Brown ………….no wonder the bugger stopped singing……….$30 for a lip stick……………and that was me of to the Revlon counter.
One of the other things I had to buy was some self-tanning stuff for Heidi as we are off to Italy and she doesn’t want anyone to see her legs are a little pale. I don’t want anyone to see my legs because I don’t want to make people vomit.
I remember that I used to care……………I used to want people to see that I was George Hamilton’s brother.
When Alan and I would go to Spain on our budget holidays we would stay in a hotel two years before it was finished, swim in a pool that various drunken Londoners had peed into the night before and drink wine called El Vino from plastic cups…………………..but we didn’t care………..as long as people could see we had a holiday tan that was all that mattered……..they would think we were rich and maybe girls would talk to us……….of course………….they never did. Of course, we never actually had a tan, just pink and white stripes on various parts of our bodies……… we looked like a tub of vanilla and raspberry Haagen Daaz.
It’s strange that the suntan thingy has changed over time. In the olden days a bronzed body meant that you worked outside and were working class. Meanwhile, the upper class stayed inside and bathed in milk to try and stay as white as possible. When then did someone suddenly think that a brown sun bronzed body was what the rich and famous should strive to look like George Hamilton’s love child?
Today though, I realised that someone somewhere is having a laugh. Have you seen the price of sun cream…………and is there really a difference between factor 6 and factor 8 or is it like semi-skim and skim milk…………bugger all difference.
Of course, I may have enjoyed sunbathing in my teenage years but now I hate it. I don’t like people trying to save me by pushing me back into the sea and if I do sunbathe I worry constantly that I am going to burn. Why, well personally I don’t believe that a UV-Ray that the sun has spit out and that has traveled through the earth’s atmosphere is going to be put off from burning my body just because I have a bit of coconut oil on me.
Usually, I do burn and in the places that I forget to put factor 300 cream on. One year on holiday in Jamaica I forgot to put cream on the tops of my feet and spent the rest of vacation wandering the beach in my shorts and long black socks.
I watch the people on the ship, especially the younger ladies who spend the entire cruise on a beach chair roasting like a potato. They come onboard as beautiful young people and leave as leatherback turtles which lasts for just two weeks……………….forget sun bathing…….don’t worry about expensive creams…………just get a job repairing the highways of Arizona or as I found a few weeks ago, get a tan by opening the dishwasher why its still running.
We talk a lot about our sister companies here on the blog but rarely do we mention our friends at the Yachts Seabourn. For many of us this will be a line that we know little about but what we do know is that they represent the finest aspects of luxury at sea. One of the first interviews I conducted on this blog thingy was with Seabourn’s top executive Pam Conover and I remember her talking with great excitement about their new ship Seabourn Odyssey and here are some amazing photos of the hull being floated into the shipyard in Genoa, Italy. I will be interviewing Pam again soon so we can catch up on life at Seabourn and get a further insight into this dream of a ship.
Here are the photos:
I want to pause for a moment to ask that you remember long time blogger Jon (missingthesmokefreeparadise) whose Mother passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Our thoughts are with him and the family at this difficult time.
I also saw a comment from a chap who after reading my blog about Bells Palsy woke up with similar symptoms and having read that I had the same went straight to his doctor. I know what you are going through mate and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
So, we are off to Europe and I must admit that apart from my family the thing I will miss most are the toilets. Now don’t worry, I am not going to go into your basic cruise directors jokes about the ships toilets………….I am talking about the ones on land.
Italy for example is hit and miss. You either get a normal white flushing toilet or you may encounter the hole in the ground where, if you have to do number 2 you stand over the hole like a cowboy with no horse…….as for the ladies……well unless you have learnt the ancient art of levitation then you really are in trouble.
Unfortunately, though, when I visited my sister in Hong Kong I discovered that they had tried to improve the simple Water Closet with state-of-the-art technology and in turn gave me the overriding memory of my trip to visit my sister Sue Drip. We had gone out for dinner to the Mandarin Oriental hotel which has a very grand restaurant on the top floor…………but I doubt if I will be ever allowed back.
First of all the seat is warmed by some sort of patio heater located under the seat itself. I sat down without knowing this which means I had to sit there imagining the heat had come from a Sumo Wrestler who had just been in there before me.
Wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible I found to my horror the toilet paper had been replaced with something that Jean Luc Piccard would have used making the Captain’s Log on the Starship Enterprise’s. There were buttons everywhere with instructions only in Chinese.
The first button I pushed made the seat go from warm to scalding hot………my bottom was on fire. I pressed at another button – which as soon as I did a big cloud of dry ice shot up my bottom……it was bloody freezing…………… So very quickly and with my bottom cheeks closed tighter than my mate Danny’s wallet and panicking I turned a tap that simply redirected the fountain into my scrotum.
In a state of total shock and as I screamed in agony I couldn’t help but think why.
Who would want to steam-clean their buttocks?
Who wants a lavatory seat that can reach the same temperature as the Gobi Desert and then counteracts the barbecuing of the bottom by deep-freezing your private parts?
I now was desperate just to flush and run away but I was too scared to press another button.
Finally I leaned over the unit to see if there was a normal handle but there was none. I couldn’t leave my General Tso’s Chicken just floating there as I knew the next person would know I had been in there and not flushed. Feeling desperate I stood up and pressed another button………….this turned on the music system and unbelievably the cubicle was now filled with the sounds of country music and as someone sung about driving their pick up truck and marrying their own sister I tried one last button and my misery was complete as a fountain of water which supposedly had been meant for my bottom ………shot all over my trousers.
So, tomorrow at 6 am we drive to Stanstead Airport and catch a flight to Naples. We will be visiting some friends and an AIDA ship as well…………..and then it’s off to Genoa and the start of another adventure.
I have enjoyed a mixture of time off and work these last weeks but now I look forward to some time onboard.
I will miss Mum and Dad very much but I will see them in Dover very soon and thank them for looking after Heidi and I ………………and …………I will miss the comforts of my own bathroom.
See you in Italy
Your friends
John and Heidi
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
Ah yes, I remember the toilets in Italy. When we got home from a six week stay with my daughter and her Air Force officer husband people were amazed that I wanted to tell them about my experiences in various “bathrooms.” The hole in the floor is a real challenge and one I have no desire to repeat!
Your experience in Hong Kong tops anything we experienced in Italy or any other country.
Your vacation is almost over and as you might say,Bummer.”
Hi John & Heidi,
Safe trip. I’ll respond & comment more in the morning, but I want to express my deepest condolences to Jon and his family. The loss of one’s parent is always very hard, but you have family & friends who will give you strength. My prayers are with you.
Carol
missingthesmokefreeparadise
Jon, our deepest sympathy and prayers go out to you and all your family on the loss of your mother.
Pat and Ed Konefe
BIG ED
Have a safe flight!! Take care.
Nanni
John, you are so lucky that you did not push the wrong switch. The red button is for women only because it is an automatic Tampon remover. Your thingy would have never been the same. Your nickname from then on might have been Little John.
BIG ED
Oh MY GOD JOHN I am sitting here crying at work with the toilet!! Thank you for all your writings, have a safe trip and YOU ARE THE BEST, my FRIEND>
Hi John, Just in case you haven’t given any thought to all of the walking you will be doing with a lot of the blogger’s while exercising on the ship, you need to invest in a good pair of tennis shoes designed specifically for walking. Now there are all types and kinds of tennis shoes for exercising. Some are meant for running and some for walking. So make sure you get the right style.
The list of Krewe members that are going to join you in dieting is growing, as well as the ones who intend to exercise and walk with you on the ship.
You have really given a lot of the Krewe the incentive to diet.
I’m still in the “thinking about it” mode. I know I need to lose some weight, but I have a closet full of new clothes recently purchased for cruises we are going on this year. What do I do if I lose weight and can’t wear anything that I have???? HMMMMMMMMMMM Go shopping again…. that just might be worth losing weight for ….. shhhhhhhhhh don’t tell Don…..lol
Carolyn
Hi John/Heidi:
Good luck with your new workout clothes. I will be thinking of you as the first rolls around.
My thoughts are with Jon as he mourns his loss.
Great pics of the Seabourne hull. Very cool.
Thanks for another great blog and we’ll chat soon.
Take care,
David
JOHN AND STEPHANIE
Many thanks to both of you ; I got the Berlin Top 10 Excursion; John I’ll see ya’ll in 46 days
VERY MUCH APPRECIATED
John, it sounds like you’re fairly well prepared for the upcoming diet! Good for you. The preparation hasn’t hurt your sense of humour in the least. The blog thingy today was hilarious!
The pictures of the Odyssey’s hull are remarkable. We’re almost never privy to such images. It looks like a finely sculpted iceberg rising up out of the sea. Amazing.
God bless Jon and his family. They will be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for letting us know.
I’m afraid I shall never go to Hong Kong as I, too, do not read Chinese but use the toilet on a regular (no pun intended…) basis. A high tech toilet would probably be my undoing.
Pass along my howdies to Heidi and the amazing MOB, Stephanie!
Have a wonderful time in Italy!!
GregB
JOhn..as always, I enjoy your humor and especially about the toilet episode. Not the same, but while on vacation in France my daughter went into the bathroom and immediately ran out and thought she had gone into the men’s room by mistake. She was only 12 at the time and had never seen one of those hole in the floor thingys and was so embarrassed thinking she entered the wrong bathroom. I’l let you get back to packing..have a safe trip……
My sympathies go out to Jon, I was reading his blog the other day, he was very distraught, as he is supposed to leave on a cruise tomorrow and didn’t know whether to cancel it or not. About suntanning, I for one do not stay out in the sun too long, do people even realize what it does to your skin? #1-wrinkles you before you age gracefully & #2-is the leading cause of skin cancer! So, for me, I do not sit in the sun a whole lot. Safe travels, and Happy Dieting, good luck! Can’t wait for the news on the new Godmother, and for you to now start blogging back to us too! Linda & Mike
Jon: So sorry to hear about your Mom. Please know that you and your family will be in our hearts and prayers.
Linda
Hi John and Heidi,
I am a new fan after reading the great article in
the Miami Herald.
You need to buy a neti pot (sold at drugstores Walgreens, or on-line for about 14 bucks) to get rid of all that crud in your sinuses. It looks like a tea pot with a spout that goes up your nose. You put the saline solution in the pot, tilt your head to the side over the sink, pour the solution into your nose and this will come pouring out your other nostril along with all the garbage that is in your nasal cavity. Sounds worse than it is. You’ll also never have a sinus headache if you do this procedure on a regular basis. Hope you can give it a try. You’ll thank me later.
Good luck on your diet. Fondly, Barb
John-That is the best luxury toilet story I have ever heard. Of course I haven’t heard many. I will be sure to avoid the toilet in that hotel if I ever get to Hong Kong, I’d just end up walking out from frustration.
John,
Just dried my eyes reading about the Hong Kong toilet. We visit our son who is working out there from time to time and you do take your life into your own hands when you go to some of the toilets they have in the Far East
Thanks to all for your best wishes and condolences.
Jon
Thanks for another great blog. Been there & done that in Italy! Still carry travel toilet paper just in case whenever I leave the country…no one warned us about that side of Italy! LOL
Jan
Hi John,
We cruised with you last July and continue to enjoy your blogs.
We visited Itlay for 3 days prior to the cruise and having never been there before, we were not familiar with the toilets. The only problem we had was upon arrival at our hotel, prior to checkin.
I was in the ladies room and found a “cord” which I proceeded to pull thinking it would flush. It did not. I pulled the cord the second time & again nothing! I too did not want to NOT FLUSH so I tried the cord AGAIN and NOTHING!! I walked out as a gentleman was exiting the ladies room! There was another lady too that did not know what to do and we then wonder if we were really in the ladies room!! We both left.
My husband was waiting outside and asked if everything was ok as an ALARM sounded several times and a gentleman had entered the ladies room to see if things were ok!! It turns out that the flush handle was a “rocker handle” on the wall!!!!!!!!!
We’ll sure know the next time!!!!
Jon (lookingforward,etc.): I add my condolences to those of other bloggers, and pray that God will comfort you and your family during this difficult time.
John: Scott and I are ahead of you in the weight loss game. Think I mentioned we’re eating according to the DASH diet plan…basically it’s a common sense approach to food that we all would probably be eating if fast food hadn’t been invented. Anyway, we’re trying to “get healthy,” and have each lost about five pounds in three weeks. Scott also has type two diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure for which he takes meds, and I have sort of high blood pressure and cholesterol and am trying to lower both with diet and exercise before giving up and giving in to drugs. Sooo…good luck to all of us. You should have lots of thin and healthy bloggers proudly walking around onboard in February!
Loved the “toilet tale”!
Hi, Heidi!
Your pal,
Myra
To Jon MTSFP,
I don’t know what to say, except, my condolences to you.
I remember my first trip to Italy and I was shocked at the toilet facilities. But….Any port in the storm!!
My aunt also got upset with me when I wanted to take a hot bath. Their hot water tanks are only about 10 gallons and when I turned it on, she would turn it off. So I had to go to Rome to take a nice hot bath. It was wonderful after two weeks. There’s no place like home. *Clicking my ruby slippers together*
Take care,
Ciao, Kathleen
John,
The first part of the blog made me really smile today. Faline and I are off to the Dawn in a week, so we are in the “shopping” mode. We have really refined our techniques in the three years we’ve been with Princess. We go to the ships with trial size toiletries, enough to get through the first few days, and then head out to the store on the first port day in. As opposed to the tons of gig clothes I used to bring onboard, clothes are far easier these days, as I have adopted the “black only” look. Makes choosing gig wear much much easier. I know you have to have a little more variety, but it works for me. I always say, “hon….black or, um, black”? I always end up looking like a sideman in Ricky Martin’s band.
I’ll be eagerly reading the blog in the coming months…and believe it or not, am back in touch with Doug Boyd. By the by, thanks for the Facebook confirmation. Between yours and Tim Cabrals, I saw a lot of familiar faces. Stay well.
Aloha,
Dave Soreff
John,
You have to admit that if you could read Chinese, that would have been a pretty cool toilet. In your case, however, it sounds like a nightmare. On the Freedom back in July, I was caught sneaking into a pay toilet in Florence. Two of us needed to go and rather than urinating in public (as it appears many Italians do) we took the higher route. One of us paid and the door opened and the other set off an alarm and had the door slam on them. Then Francesca the cleaning lady came over and began yelling at us in Italian. for .70 euro, they were not very clean at all. Ahhh… toilet nightmares.
_BigMike
Blog Security Director
good show! ill stick to trees.
jon, sincere condolences my friend…
john, dude, they sell those toilet thingys here in palm beach and big ed is right! and you don’t even want to know what they cost!!! you have to have both an electrician and a plumber to install one.
(i want one)
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
ps: are you going to be on the splendor thanksgiving???
Jon (missingthesmokefreeparadise) our deepest sympathy on your Mom’s passing. You will be in my thoughts this evening. I know you will turn to the pages of this blog in the future for a smile and a bit of diversion. John always has some way of giving a grin when we need it the most. Take good care.
Kap ( Kathie)
Jon, we are so sorry to hear of the lost of your Mother. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Carolyn and Don
John:
Just an update on restroom facilities:
Remember that things could always be worse.
The “john” (pun intended) on the International Space Station is broken (and they only have one).
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
I learned years ago that the Italians have a perverse sense of humor when it came to bathrooms. I came to this realization in Venice. We were on a road trip that started in Nuremberg Germany and Venice was the most southward we were traveling before heading back to Germany. We checked into a lovely small hotel just down from Piazza San Marco and decided before heading out in search of diner that we would get cleaned up a bit. I paid no attention to the controls in the shower and proceeded to shampoo my hair. Suddenly the shower water turned cool and with eyes closed to protect them from the shampoo I started to fumble with what I thought was the warm water handle. Little did I know that in Italy, or at least in that hotel, the temperature handles were reversed and all I managed to succeed in doing was to turn the cool water glacial. More blind handle fumbling followed and much to my surprise I soon learned some sadistic Italian had built the bidet into the base of the shower and it was supplied with all the hot water that was not streaming out of the shower head. So there I stood blinded by shampoo with ice forming on the upper half of my body and, to paraphrase John, steam-cleaning my buttocks. My screaming brought everyone on the floor out into the hallway and even caused the reception desk clerk to bound up the stairs. After what seemed like an eternity my husband finally got the bidet turned off and readjusted the shower temperature. If only he could have fixed my embarrassment. Lesson learned – I now never ever get into any shower without becoming acquainted with all the controls first.
John,
Happy to see the blog thingy is still going strong with ever more hilarious stories. We had a great time on the Carnival Freedom with you this past October and are looking forward to seeing you and Heidi again on the Carnival Splendor July 25th sailing. We’re spending a couple of days in London prior to the sailing. Hopeing the ” English Breakfast” included with the hotel stay doesn’t have—– are you ready?——-”Spamalot”! ! ! !
Jon (missingthesmokefreeparadise), I’m sorry to hear of your mother’s death. I know that the fact it was so unexpected, makes the loss even more difficult. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
John, you and Heidi have safe travels. And you may want to take an interpreter to the toilets with you.
John,
The first thing I do each evening is to read your blog. You never fail to make me laugh.
I remember some of the toilets in Istanbul, nothing but a hole in the ground.Talk about getting clever. wow! But that’s all part of the fun of travel.
Regards………
Hi John!
OMG!!! That is just about the funniest blog I have ever read!!! Carl and I were sitting on opposite sides of the room reading and laughing right out loud!
Glad you liked the cartoon I sent you. I couldn’t help but think of you when I read it!
Good to read you are getting some good work out clothes, now. I am going to start working out this weekend too. Time to dust off the treadmill and start using it and what better time, than when there are ??? of us bloggers doing it at the same time. The Bloggers Cruise 2 will be a ship filled with physically fit, drop dead gorgeous bloggers, all in new clothes because thier old ones are to big! Well…. like I always say…. “if your going to dream, dream big, it might just happen!” So… let’s make it happen! We are all with you, John!
Bear Hugs!
Princess Barb
Jon Let me add my condolences on the loss of your mother. May she rest in peace.
lookingforwardtothe nearly smokefreecarnivalfreedom
Jon,
I just wanted to drop you a short note and express my sympathy in the loss of your mother. I lost mine 5 years ago, and still think of her daily. For months after her passing I would think of something I wanted to tell her and actually grab for the phone. It is extremely hard to lose your mom–she probably has always been there for you, and you always expect her to continue to be there. Hopefully many happy memories of her will help to get you and your family through this most difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sheryl
Good morning John & Heidi,
Thank you so much for that educational and enlightening blog about toilets around the world.
Heidi, I’m glad you like Bobbi Brown cosmetics as much as I do. Her mascara is the best.
I hope your cold is better John and that you stocked up on cold medicine before leaving home, just in case you can’t find what you want in Italy.
I’ll be looking forward to your report on the Aida ship too.
Can’t wait for the next blog,
Hugs,
Carol
Jon:
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. Please accept my condolences. You and your family will be in my prayers.
John:
Have a great time in Italy!
Jon,
Prayers and hugs for you and your family.
Eva
Jon, I havn’t been blogging long, but our condolences to you and your family on the loss of your Mother.
John, This is going to be a very stupid question, but that in the world is spotted dick?
Too funny about your adventures with the multi-button/ multi-function Hong Kong toilet. One would think they would put little diagrams on the buttons that pseudo demonstrated what each button does.
Come to think of it those ingenious toilet designers think of nearly everything…. Luckily they didn’t have a button that would clean the toilet as well……otherwise something similar to this ….
http://img.epinions.com/images/opti/3f/2d/Dawn_Power_Dish_Brush-resized200.jpg
….may have protruded from the bowl……
Errr now that I look at that thingy perhaps some would use it to clean…….nevermind ….a personal roto-rooter ROFL
But if pimped out loos are your thing….
http://inventorspot.com/files/images/pimped-out-john-xbox-360-roto-rooter.img_assist_custom.jpg
Jon,
Sorry to hear about your loss. We are all thinking of you. {hug}
John,
As Carolyn mentioned, make sure you have comfortable walking shoes. By mostly walking (and cutting down on calories) I have lost 12 lbs since January. That includes 10 days at Walt Disney World (temptations galore). Just have patience, don’t expect big loses every week.
Jon, I was sorry to hear of the passing of your Mother. Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
John, when will I learn NOT to read your blog while at work? My co-worker thought I was crying because I had to keep turning away from my computer and wipe my tears from your “Hong Kong” humour. Oh my lord….I could NOT stop. That is one place I can cross off of my “to visit” list. Thank you (I guess) for enlightening us.
Have a safe trip.
Hugs to you and Heidi,
Lori and Tom
Jon: my sympathies, my mother passed away from cancer many, many years ago. I still miss her. Remember the good times and she will always be with you in memory
Jon aka missingthesmokefreeparadise…
I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your mother. My condolences to you and your family. You guys are in my prayers.
John,
I have never experienced foreign toilets before. But at least it wasn’t an outhouse/portable toilet. It’s crazy how advanced some things are. Hope you’re doing well.
Alex G.