If I was walking down a beach and accidentally tripped over an old bottle which released a Depends wearing Genie who in turn gave me three wishes………I know exactly what they would be. Apart from world peace and an Aston Martin full of money and Jessica Simpson I would wish that George Clooney had a face like Quasimodo and a Bulldog’s arse.

I am sitting here watching a show on the Biography channel about George. He is sitting in his villa on Lake Homo in Italy talking about his life and Heidi is sitting here opened mouth and totally unaware of anything else around her. Honestly, what is it people see in him……..right now I could take off all my clothes, take some flowers, do a hand stand and use my bottom as a vase……..and Heidi wouldn’t even notice……….bugger.

Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and George

I guess we’ve all been through an airport at some point in the past few years and I guess we all turned up, as requested, two hours before the scheduled departure time and then faced the madness that flying anywhere involves these days.

I spent yesterday at Gatwick and Heathrow airports, two of the busiest airports in the world and as I was not flying myself I had time to pay attention to what was going on.
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I used to play tennis once a year while on holiday. Though if you happen to be strolling by when I’m on court, you’d be unsure for quite some time that the spectacle has anything to do with what you see at Wimbledon because I am utter rubbish.
 
In my youth I learned that the best thing you could do in a game of tennis was develop an almighty serve. Accuracy was irrelevant because if you hit the ball at the same velocity as a right hook from Mike Tyson then the poor bugger on the other side of the net could not return it…………….and therefore I didn’t have to run around.
 
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It was Heidi’s turn yesterday evening to take command of the remote control because the following night I would be watching the football and I am sorry to report that it’s been a bad week for the world’s wildlife. I know this because I was forced to endure a night of watching the National Geographic which, as I refuse to take her on Safari is the closet she will get to seeing a Lesser Spotted African Bog Pig.

Firstly we watched a program that told us that Macaque monkeys have joined a list of 300 species in which the females are known to prefer girl-on-girl action to sex with a male……………….this means the females are watching The Ellen Degeneres Show while the males have become Monk Monkeys.

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Computers are like women. You never know if you will be successful in turning them on…….and like my history with women I couldn’t turn mine on last night. I was in the middle of typing the last blog when my computer crashed quicker than Vanilla Ice’s career……ice, ice baby.

Like I do with my wife I begged, cried and swore at it to turn on and allow me to continue blogging but like any woman I have met it completely ignored me.

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Carnival Corporation finally has some competition to be concerned about……………..it’s a new cruise line………………..they will only have one ship………………..but that ship will take you to outer space. Yep, today, Richard Branson the multi zillionaire owner of Virgins and other things confirmed that his spacecraft plane thingy will take ordinary people like me and you for a cruise around the Milky Way and back……………………….how fantastic. The company will be called Virgin Galactic and passengers like George Hamilton and Madonna will pay just $200,000 for a three-hour trip ……………… space ………….the final frontier.

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Today, I met a kid and when I did I instantly felt sorry for him……………..his name ………….was Becks……………yep Becks…………….Becks Edwards to give him his full name. I met Becks this morning when I visited an old chum I have not seen for some time. Peter Edwards used to be a musician with us and now thanks to the wonders of the facespace book tube thingy I found out he had married a dancer I also knew and they in fact lived in the same county as me.

So, I drove to see them and it was wonderful to catch up but the highlight of the day was meeting seven-year-old Becks. Peter is a huge soccer fan and as you can probably tell from his sons name his favorite player is of course …………Pele……………………just kidding ……………..it is of course David Beckham and rather than call the poor sod a simple name like David…………..they decided to call him Becks. I asked why ……………….. Peter told me that he hoped that Becks would grow up to be just like his hero. I took this to mean that he wanted his son to be a handsome and talented footballer rather than someone who will marry a posh stick insect with as much talent as a sock.

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Slowly, very slowly I have started thinking about my diet and how I will without fail loose 60 pounds starting June 1st………………..however……………..it’s not going to be easy. This is not because I don’t have the will power because I truly think I do……………it’s going to be hard because the human body is badly designed. On the surface the human being appears to be a flawed design. Obviously our brains are magnificent and my two fingers can receive messages from Mrs. Brain allowing me to type my blog but in other ways Mrs.Brain is a complete idiot…………….Here’s why.

It doesn’t matter how many roast potatoes I eat, the body tells me that it wants one more. And then, instead of ejecting all the excess fat, the body feeds it to our hearts and veins, and we end up all dead and stuff.

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I have to start today’s blog by publicly apologizing to gentlemen by the name of Edgar Melling who wrote this comment yesterday.

Mr.Heald

I have not been reading your blog for long and after today’s comments I doubt I will again. Your humor is at times worthy of a laugh but your comments about Royal Caribbean and calling their superior ships the ” Botox of the Seas ” and “Boring of the Seas ” are disdainful and unprofessional and you should apologize in writing to me and to Royal Caribbean. I will be sailing on the Independence Of The Seas ” in August with my partner and I intend to show your crude attempt
at humor to the Captain.

I await for your immediate apology to be posted on your daily blog.

Edgar Melling

West Palm Beach, Florida

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Today, I took Mum and Dad to a big American style shopping mall called Bluewater. It’s about 45 miles from where they live and they never get to go there very much and I wanted to treat them to a special day out………………..so armed to the teeth with credit cards, I went shopping…………..which as you know, next to flying and the French, is something I dislike with a huge dollop of passion……………can you imagine a place where I had all three at the same time……………shopping…………on  Air France.

Anyway, back to today and as I said I headed to this big mall with my credit card ready to spoil Mum and Dad.

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