There are many signs of middle age: large tufts of hair growing out of your ears, a waistband that seems to grow each night regardless if all you have had to eat is a carrot, and an increasing bewilderment to the strange noises that younger people call “music.”
This morning however I realised without doubt that I am really old because I looked out of the window and heard my self say: “Ooh good, it’s raining.” This means you are more interested in your plants looking good than getting a tan and looking like George Hamilton yourself.
It appears that I am in the doghouse yet again with Heidi sending me there because of my constant negativity towards people with tattoos……………and because Heidi wants one.
The subject came up last night and one minute I was happily munching away on some sugar free Jell-O when Heidi (who had been reading yesterday’s blog) told me I was unfair to people with tattoos. So much so in fact that she wants to get one herself on her ankle of something called Tweety Bird….. wearing a sailors cap…what a load of bollocks.
I have just spent the last three hours pretty much naked, in a small room while a lady applied lashings of warm lubricating jelly to most of my soft underbelly
I know what you are thinking and I am afraid I am not at Edie’s House of Pleasure, unfortunately this was an ultrasound test and part of my medical.
All crew members require a medical not only to make sure that we are all well and it is of course also a US Coast Guard requirement and no crew member can join the vessel without a current medical evaluation.
I met someone from Detroit today while I was waiting for my polar-bear-killing Range Rover to have a new headlamp bulb fitted. I noticed last night when driving home that the car had only one head light working and unless it was suffering from Bells Palsy I knew the lamp had gone. So, as I was waiting for the expert engineer to change a bulb I was sitting in the waiting room drinking something that was pretending to be coffee out of a paper cup when in walked my new friend from America.
I knew straight away that he was American but not only from his thick accent when he spoke to the receptionist but from the T-Shirt he was wearing…………it said………. “Detroit,” proclaim the T-shirts, “where the weak are killed and eaten.” On the back of the shirt was a big American flag with the words “Sorry we missed you” and a picture of a huge Magnum gun………..yep………he was American and that was the most honest T – Shirt I have ever seen.
Well, after much waiting here is a quick video of Alan produced and directed by Heidi. So, here is a quick 30 second video from Saturday night: (more…)
Sunday…………a day for reading the papers, watching soccer and finally having a proper day doing bugger all…………which is a good job really as its 28 degrees here and with no air conditioning I have as much energy as the energizer bunny whose had his battery stolen…………what I wouldn’t give for some air conditioning. Good Morning and I hope this Sunday finds you well and once again a very happy Mother’s Day to you all. Heidi made good her promise to allow me an afternoon of watching football which I thoroughly enjoyed however having spent the morning reading about the poor people of Burma it was hard to celebrate when my team scored………..it is unbelievable that the joke of the Government are still blocking some of the foreign aid………….it makes me very sad.
It is said that the West has missiles that are so precise that they can hit any target no matter how small well surely there has never been a better time to use these and send one right up General Scru Yu’s bottom and in turn allow the world to help these desperate people.
I take great pride in the fact that I do not cry when I watch a movie……..the only exception to this came when I saw the latest James Bond movie and the blowing up of the new Aston Martin DBS………….I cried like Halle Berry at the Oscars at that bit.
Last night my manhood was put to the ultimate test when I agreed to watch back to back movies designed to separate the men from the Richard Simmons………………..who by the way I met many times and is an absolute genius.
Well, as promised here are some photos of the countryside of the New Forrest which is in Hampshire. We were blessed with beautiful weather and all that was missing was Jessica Simpson…………kidding…………..well……………only a bit………………all that was missing was an open top Aston Martin.
When I was at school I loved Spam. It was offered every day and on Friday things got really exciting as it was offered……………in batter. Spam was so popular Monty Python wrote a song about it which I used to sing while standing in line to order Spam for lunch………..Spam was part of my world and I embraced it with open arms.
Now I am older, I hate Spam and if someone put it in front of me just the smell would make me feel sick…………….I would rather eat a camel snot sandwich than eat Spam.
After the weeping that followed the end of The West Wing and the Sopranos I have tried to find solace in other TV shows and as Heidi spent the last day doing bugger all by the pool I decided to sit in the shade in the company of my portable DVD player. I should point out that I am not much of a sun worshiper.
Heidi says I go naturally brown but I find sitting in the sun all day totally boring and there is as much chance of hearing Willie Nelson singing a rap song as finding me turning myself into a George Hamilton. Now, George is still my hero and I am sure, as we speak, he is heading to the beaches of St. Tropez and the hotel Byblos for sun, champagne and all the super models you can eat. Anyway, I’ll come back to the DVD’s in a moment but first we once again congratulate Carnival’s Marketing Team on the birth of their brilliant new website.
