As I head at Ferrari-like speed toward old age, there are many things which scare me. All the hair on my head will start to grow out of my nose and my ears. My bladder will cease to function. I will become even more baffled by new technology and therefore not be able to operate a TV or a toilet.
But the greatest fear I face is not that I might lose my sense of sight, touch or smell. No, it’s that some people, once they reach the age of 50, seem to lose their sense of humour.
John Cleese is a funny today as when he was strutting through a hotel in Torquay, shouting at Manuel and not mentioning the war. He is as Python today as he was 35 years ago. Then you’ve got his old colleagues. Michael Palin is charming and warm, but as he trundles through India on yet another PBS series, does he make you laugh? Eric Idle is responsible for Spamalot and that’s about as funny as a bout of whopping cough. Terry Jones is wrapped up in 14 layers of Shakespeare and we haven’t heard a squeak from Graham Chapman for years. Though this might have something to do with the fact that he’s dead.
Woody Allen is another example of being 50 and boring. In Sleeper and Play it Again, Sam, I honestly thought that I might need the services of an engineer to weld up my split sides. But in his more recent films I’ve wanted to weld up his mouth….the miserable sod.
So, is the law that when you reach middle age your sense of humour disappears? ……….. I hope not otherwise I am serious trouble?
You see, I have always been ugly…….OK……maybe not ugly but I certainly am no Ryan Seacrest. Therefore, I have always had to rely on my sense of humour to see me through life.
However, anyone will tell you that us ugly people are funny because making a girl giggle is our only chance of getting some rumpy pumpy…………..you will have to Google those words I think…………..go ahead………..I will wait for you here.
OK, now you know what rumpy pumpy means let’s continue.
I remember vividly, back when I was at school, competing with a school chum to chat up a girl. He was captain of the football (soccer) team and was therefore equipped with a wedge like torso, firm thighs and shoulders broad enough to land a 747 on.
Me? Well, back then I was supermodel skinny with a face dotted with pus-filled zits and a hairstyle designed by mum putting a cap on my head and cutting around the edges.
It was a total mismatch. It was Ryan Seacrest vs. Pee Wee Heald.
The only way round this was to try and make the girl laugh…….so I told my best jokes and did my Impression of the thin one from Laurel and Hardy (how times of changed) and the result was that 30 minutes later the girl was behind the bike sheds playing tonsil hockey…………with the captain of the Soccer team……………bugger.
This was proof that whoever said that “women don’t care about looks and prefer a man with a sense of humour” was obviously talking bollocks. Fill a room with gorgeous looking women and have me and Ryan Seacrap walk in and I guarantee that even though Ryan is as funny as one hour lecture on applied mathematics it will Mr.Seacrap who gets the girls.
Ladies, do you look at Jay Leno and think “Phwoar”? Is David Letterman a sex object, was John Candy Johnny Depp in a fat suit…………nope……………they are the funniest of people but like me they have all lost women to people like Ryan Seaweed. They’ve all stood in front of a mirror, thinking “Well, there’s nothing for it. I shall have to be a homosexual.”
Or was that just me? I think, and I hope I don’t get in trouble for this, that the evidence is even more acute for women. Rosanne Barr and Phyllis Diller. Notice anything they have in common? Yes, you’re right! They’re all much funnier than Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley and Uma Thurman.
Let’s come back to this subject a little later.
First though here is the news.
Let’s start with a photo as requested by Ron P the Carnival Splendors fantastic piano bar entertainer of the Grand Piano Bar. Now, this room is still to be finished and I had to sneak a quick photo. The room was not very well lit but here it is and I will take more soon.
It now gives me great joy to share with you the following.
PUTTING THEIR BEST FOOT FORWARD
Carnival’s “On Deck for the Cure” program – a breast cancer fundraising initiative aboard the “Fun Ships” – recently celebrated its one-year anniversary, with 50,000 walkers raising nearly $400,000 for Susan G. Komen for the Cure since being launched last May.
Currently in place on 14 Carnival ships, “On Deck for the Cure” is modeled after a similar initiative by Holland America Line and encourages guests to make a minimum $10 donation and participate in a one-mile walk around the ships’ jogging tracks while wearing their custom-designed T-shirts and wristbands included with each donation. Additionally, pink lemonade – signifying the color associated with breast cancer awareness – is served after the walk to all participants.
Carnival’s “On Deck for the Cure” initiative began as a pilot program on two ships in May 2007 and was expanded to all vessels operating voyages of seven days or longer, as well as four- and five-day cruises aboard the Carnival Elation from San Diego. The program will be also featured aboard the new 113,300-ton Carnival Splendor when it arrives in the U.S. in November following its inaugural European season this summer.
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That is just amazing and that is why Carnival Cruise Lines guests are the best …………because you care. Thank you to everyone who took the time to donate their vacation time and money to this great cause and long may it continue.
I want to thank all of you for your great show of appreciation for the incomparable work of Mr Joe Farcus and I see you all enjoyed his interview. Joe read each and every comment posted so much so that he has written this reply to you all.
John, thanks so much for giving me the opportunity to reach out directly to our guests on your blog. Congratulations as well for its enormous success.
I can certainly see why. When I wrote my piece and answered your questions I did not even think so much about the feedback comments. I have been really humbled by them.
Of course it’s very nice to hear from guests who have enjoyed the ships and my design work. However so many of your readers have really seen or felt exactly what I am trying to do and have expressed it eloquently and spot on to my thinking.
It has been most gratifying for me. I have always said to the media, that Carnival pays my bills and directs the services they want, but her guests are really my clients.
To serve them well is to serve Carnival well I feel. So it is really a new experience for me to have this kind of direct, intelligent, and insightful feedback from the real guests.
So thanks again for this opportunity to speak to my clients.
Thanks Joe.
The diet is going well and yesterday as I sat in a place called The American Bar watching those around me dine on pasta and chunks of fresh bread, I enjoyed a meal of chicken breast covered in mushrooms and with a strange looking green thing called Aubrogine ………. it looked awful……………….twice !!!!!!!
I hope your diets are going well. It seems dozens of you are joining me on this difficult journey…………where though is Big Ed……………I want him to be Medium Ed.
Remember also that if there is anything I can do for you please drop me a line prefaced with “Stephanie, pass to John for urgent reply “.
I went to the shipyard today and as the rain fell out of the sky work carried on to get her ready for the crew to board on the 14th. I saw the huge warehouse today and we have lots of containers needing to be craned onto the ship but this is taking longer than usual. Italian politics does not begin and end in Rome but is alive and well in the shipyards but hopefully things will get back on track very soon. However, the ship looks fantastic and I wish I was onboard writing this rather than sitting in the lobby of the hotel.
So, if it’s true that good-looking people aren’t funny and that ugly people are, then it stands to reason that humour is essentially used as a tool for getting women to want you. And that brings me neatly to the problems when we reach 60.
No one, not even Sean Connery or Joan Collins, can stand in front of a mirror, naked, when they’re starting to sag and think “mmmm, yeah………….I’m hot.”
I stand in front of the mirror now and think “Bloody hell I’m either pregnant or one of those creatures from the movie Alien is about to burst out doing its Judge Judy impression?”
Putting this into context then as I get older I should compensate for my withered looks and wobbly skin by being funny. But what’s the point? I am married; and anyway these days there are many, many things I would rather do at night than have rumpy pumpy every Thursday or whenever the happy stick tells me to……… sleeping, reading, blogging, learning, Klingon …………anything.
So, being funny is ok but if you asked Ryan Seasquid if he had a choice of looking like me and having and having my sense of humour or putting a finger in a ham slicer………the host of American Idol would be Ryan “Four Fingers” Seacrest.
Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and Ryan
Filed under: Europe, Tales from the Ship, Travel | Tagged: Carnival Splendor
John, my friend, few of us indeed are endowed with a visage like Ryan Seasick or Johnny Depp. Bottom line is that we’re ordinary. Not ugly, not beautiful just ordinary. There’s nothing wrong with that in the least. We populate the middle of the bell curve! As I look around I note that there are far more women in our same situation than there are at either end of the spectrum. It works out well!!
Anyway, funny is good. That being said, you must be extraordinary as you had me in stitches again today. Thanks so much.
Here’s hoping that the Italians get off their collective bottoms and get the Splendor done and out to sea!!
Pass along my howdies to both Heidi and Stephanie as they are both indispensable!!
Ciao!!
GregB
John,
Ahh you asked for BIG ED I see well seems our friend has decided not to join the Diet craze, and has been sending members of his crew pictures of things like hamburger with bacon and cheese melted on them, he is also at his summer trailer enjoying the nice weather and needs to travel to Wendy’s (Hamburger place fast food) to gain access to the internet so far. I am pleased to report myself that I have shed 3 pounds so far since the start of this diet. And know that not only will I be skinny but funny as well. This reminds me of a joke that I think you will appreciate my dad taught it to me when i was about 6 or 7 so you have to excuse the bad memory.
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow” these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
“Aha” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!”
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
“Man, this is great,” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off…confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
Automatic Tampon Remover.
Best to Heidi
Kevin
Time now 11:45am EST
John, quit putting yourself down. The popular girls may have by passed you by when you were in high school, but look what you ended up with…the best of the best and the very lovely HEIDI. Had you married before you met her, you might be divorced today. God was saving you and Heidi for the wonderful marriage you have now.
My observation, as I return for class reunions, is that those little slim, short, popular girls are now short, frumpy, fat women. See you didn’t miss a thing.
Now eat your diet food and be thankful for what God dealt you. You got the best hand.
Carolyn….. the tall skinny girl in school. Who ended up with the best guy that there is. Thank you God.
Oh John,
I can’t say that I totally agree with you on this one. Teenage girls are naturally shallow and of course appearance is going to count more. But we, more experienced women know there is so much more that goes into what makes another person sexy.
Intelligence is first and foremost. Sure I like a little eye candy from time to time, but if they can’t form a complete and coherent sentence, then the beauty fades quickly.
And sense of humor is right up there as well. Nobody wants to live with someone they can’t laugh with.
The other two biggies for me, the two things that can make even the “ugliest” old sod totally hot, are talent and passion. Those two things are super sexy. Take singer Lyle Lovett for example, not the most handsome face in the world to be sure, but…oh.my.god. I love his voice, his music, his writing and his sense of humor. The man has talent for days and that make him super sexy.
In college, I had a professor who was kind of shaggy and scrawny (in fact he kind of looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo). But every, single girl in his class, including and especially me, had a crush on this guy. Why? Because, he had an incredible passion for the subject he taught. And he translated that to his teaching in class. It was thrilling to watch and be around and also totally hot. (I’m still crushing on the guy 17 years later!)
I suppose the talent thing is why I tend to crush on musician and performer types.
I doubt you’ll ever lose your sense of humor it’s too much a part of who you are. And for Heidi’s sake I hope you don’t! It may evolve away from fart and poo jokes, but it won’t ever go away.
Thanks for the picture of the piano bar! I know you took it at great personal risk! LOL.
Cheerios,
Laura (aka divetrash, aka Princess Laura, the sweet and compromised of Big Ed’s Evil Krewe)
Truth is John, not everyone will be supportive of your diet. Diets mean change and hard work, and a lot of folks don’t want to get left in the dust. I applaud your courage and will power, making a proactive change in your health for the positive. Keep going my friend, we need to be encouraging eachother!
Hi John,
Funny is better!
By the way Kevin, wasn’t your joke the same one John wrote about a few blog thingys back about the toilets in Hong Kong? Get new material man!
Carol
Hi John:
Today is “weigh in” day for me. Keep your fingers (and anything else!) crossed. Pretty soon we’ll all be “beautiful” (inside and out).
Sue K
Stephanie..please pass on to John for reply
Hi John,
A question for you about “On Deck for the Cure”-
I would love to join in on my next cruise but I am disabled and use a mobility scooter. Can I “walk” on my scooter?
Thanks for your reply
John:
I certainly hope that one does not lose their sense of humor in old age. That’s when we need it the most, ’cause everything else quits working!!!
Linda (53 year old domestically challenged goddess of Big Ed’s Evil Krewe….sense of humor still intact but 2 pounds lighter!!)
The old adage about beauty being only skin deep is only too true. Give me a good sense of humor and a passion for life any day!
No, Im not with you. Maybe the handsome gets the first glance but the other gets the girl. I can’t hide that I like to see handsome men but do you really know what gets me ? Personality, that kills me. BTW I have also lost 2 pounds even with Big Ed’s pizza emails.
Nanni
Well John,
I’m a big guy too I guess there is no time like the present to slim down. We just got a Nintendo Wii fit and it says “Ouch” everytime I step on it. I’ve got 205 days to get “Speedo Ready” for my trip on the Splendor. I’ll join you on this diet journey and see where it takes me.
Cheers,
Brad
John, good to see you in video and hear Heidi laugh while filming you. Seems the pressure is all just too much! Thanks for he picture of the Piano bar. Good job, Kevin on your weight loss !
Also, Big Ed.:
Medium is a great state of being. How about a Little “healthy” competition? I’ll match your loss dollar per pound with John’s for donation to the London Children’s hospital.
Love,
Kap
But the greatest fear I face is not that I might lose my sense of sight, touch or smell. No, it’s that some people, once they reach the age of 50, seem to lose their sense of humour . . . So, is the law that when you reach middle age your sense of humour disappears? ……….. I hope not otherwise I am serious trouble?
John, I asked Norman Vincent Peale when he was 87 and truckin’ all over the country giving speeches, how he kept his positive outlook and enthusiasm . . . and he gave me these wise words of wisdom, “At 87 you will be the same kind of person you were at 37 (I was 37 at the time!), only more so! If you are a grouch at 37, or a negative thinker, just imagine what you will be like at 87!”
So, I’ve always remembered that, and YOU, my friend, have NOTHING to worry about!
John I happen to think you are loverly just as you are & I am so happy that you want to get healthy. Keep your sense of humor & all the rest will fall into place.
Jan
John, I know I’m phat but I think you just called me Fat. I don’t like the sound of “medium Ed”. I’ve been BIG Ed all my life. Plus if I lose weight I would then not have an excuse for not wearing a suit. My last suit jacket has about a 6 inches gap between button and bottonhole. So for the first BC I just left it home and I still had a good time on formal night.
Kevin, the parks internet is up but I still may have to go into town to get a Wendys triple burger with cheese and a nice cold large thick chocolate Frosty it’s almost 90 here. Plus like Carol Schoenberger said “Get new material man!”. When John told his version of the toilet joke I mentioned in a comment that the last button was a ATR.
“BIG” ED
Hi John ~
I was on the Freedom of the Seas last May with you. I am planning on doing the other leg of the cruise with a friend in October. Can you tell me your experience as far as weather goes at that time of year. We want to do the Turkey, Greece, etc….leg
Appreciate your feedback!
Lynn
dude! i am half way to podunk in a motel that reeks of well, not what i want it to be let us say. i did not get stopped by roscoe p coltrane (yet) but have to get out of here in the morning and his sweet town sure does have their boys out so to speak! ha ha ha
had lunch with princess elaine! woo hoo!
best to heidi!
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
Beauty gets the attention
Personality gets the heart
QUOTE Hi John ~
I was on the Freedom of the Seas last May with you. ”
Appreciate your feedback!
Lynn
Do Tell John,Freedom of the Seas Eh,:)
-Sandra
Hi John/Heidi:
Interesting blog today.
Don’t know how to respond on your over-50 statements. I think as long as you have your humor and you are as old as you feel, then you should be fine. Let the old fogies lose their humor and become stiffs.
The piano bar really is pretty. Thanks for posting the photo.
Good luck with the diet this coming weekend and we’ll catch up next week.
Take care,
David
JOHN…
AHHH… Rum@y Pum@y… I looked it up and now I’m getting emails from sites I’d never heard of, and for things for growing things I don’t even have… What have you done to me???? I was a nice, sweet girl… and now, my reputation…. who knows, who knows…
Ryan Seathrowup is a TWIT!!! Nothing to worry about there… It’s the words… it’s the feelings… it’s the “je ne sais quoi…” John, you’ve got all that!! Humor has a place, but the everasting is much more important!! And that’s the inside…
Now, we want you healthy, so don’t toss out the diet… and eye-candy is dandy!!! (Oh yes, this is TRUE!) So keep on becoming less of a man… we want you that way!!!
Regards,
Lambie
PS: Mr. Farcus… write again and again… you have that “je ne sais quoi,” too!!! And you deliver it each time you design!!! WOO HOO!!!
Hi John,
First of all having met you personally on the Triump, not once, but thrice. I found you to have one of those sensual personalities that a woman can feel. You are not an ugly person at all and your dimple is so cute. Hiedi is a very lucky girl as I see it. I am married 45 yrs to a now (63) yr old man who has a terrific sense of humor and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere as he ages. So quit beating yourself up, sexualness is in the eye of the beholder just like beauty.