Friday, June 13th, 2008...1:52 pm
Celebrity Spotting
My bottom hurts………..thanks to one of the two most uncomfortable seats I have ever sat on. The first was a few years ago at my local cinema. Heidi had dragged me kicking and screaming to see Cold Mountain…………not the Brokeback version but the one with Jude Law.
The seat was so hard and my bottom had not suffered that much since it was beaten with an old slipper by my High School Headmaster who had discovered Sid Ruse and I putting superglue on the toilet seats.
As we were treated to yet another smoldering shot of Jude Law mincing his way through the swamps of North Carolina I spoke – not for the first time - out of my bottom and the words were loud and clear “Bloody hell, get on with it .”
At the end of the film most of the audience left the cinema in tears as did I. Mine though were not because Jude Law had found his girl after walking across America with only his horse for company……….until he had to eat it……………and just as he was about to take her into the barn for some well deserved rumpy pumpy…………….some bugger shot him………………..nope…………..my pain was because my bottom felt like it had just been tattooed by a 5-year-old kid using a knitting needle.
Last night at dinner it was just as bad if not worse. The chairs were ancient and the straw covers were so lumpy. Mine had a huge lump right where my left buttock was and I spent the entire meal feeling like I was sitting on Gerard Depardieu’s nose.
Talking of food the diet is going…………..OK. My task was to cut out all carbs which in Italy is not easy but even though I have been constantly surrounded by masses of pasta and gnocchi………..I have been strong. Once onboard I will start my exercise regime and will let you know in weekly reports how I am doing. I hope to have raised $300 for the children’s hospital by the end of next week.
One important correction from yesterday…………..I said the Miami Vice cast party was on the Celebration…………….it was in fact………….on the M/S Holiday ……………. sorry.
Tomorrow Heidi and I leave Fawlty Towers hotel never to return. We will board the ship tomorrow and finally…………………….finally we can unpack our 200 suitcases. Heidi took some photos today of our cabin………….here they are.
Here are a few more photos. They are apparently of famous soap star celebrities who sailed on the Carnival Imagination recently. These have been given to me by Jaime who is one of our brilliant Entertainment Staff members here on the Carnival Splendor ……………..she was onboard when some people from All My Hospitals, General Children and The Bold and the Bollocks sailed.
It was a great cruise I am told until there was a big fight at dinner when one actress realised she was married to her brother and that her father was in fact her grandmother ………….well, it got so bad that the Captain had to ………………………………tune in next week to find out what happened.
They do say that oysters are the world’s greatest aphrodisiacs…..I disagree …………….. It’s a yacht.
Take the girl of your dreams and offer her trip down to the Med on your yacht or some shells filled with snot………………….. and see which she chooses.
Now, in my continuing attempt to keep this blog thingy current and discuss news events with you…………………..OK……………….moan about news events with you, I want to pass on the following information to the many blog readers who have mega yachts the size of the much missed Mardi Gras.
I learned today that the government in Sardinia, Italy is planning to impose huge taxes on billionaire visitors who come to the island in these beautiful, sleek champagne and caviar dreamboats.
In essence, those whose boats are more than a mile long will be hit where it hurts most, in the wallet. And if Brad and Angelina should decide to buy a holiday home within 400 yards of the coast they will attract a special tax that will cause both to have to make Mr and Mrs. Smith 2……..and none of us want that.
And the excitement doesn’t stop there because, get this, the leader of the government, Robino Di Hood, says the money raised — and it could be $550 million a year — will be spent building a new ice berg for the polar bears and penguins and mending the ozone layer.
Of course, brilliant as the scheme might sound to Al Gore and his mates, I doubt very much the trillionaires will pay up. Sardinia is a pretty little place for sure but there are many other pretty little places they can go to instead. So they will. And losing them will kill Sardinia off as a tourist destination more quickly than news that a few swans have the flu.
Let me explain. A friend of mine returned recently from a break in Jamaica. “So how was it?” I asked, expecting to hear about the food, the hotel, the beach and if he had sampled the local agriculture. But no. Instead he told me he’d seen Christina Aguilera, someone rap star called Ice Cream or Ice Spy or something and most impressively…..Clint Eastwood.
This is now how we judge holiday locations. Not on what we see, but on who we see.
This is what always makes places like Sardinia such a tempting destination. Forget the emerald waters or sandy beaches. It was the chance you might catch a glimpse of Catherine Zeta Jones helping Michael out of his beach chair while George Hamilton and the latest perfect 10 models dance to rave music in the local nightclub.
I hardly ever see anyone famous on my vacation although could be I spend it at home which reduces the chances quite a lot. I am unlikely to see Tom Cruise coming out of my bathroom as I head to bed.
The celeb syndrome now affects pretty well everyone and pretty well every lifestyle choice we make.
I mean, are you going to spend $1,000 on an Eye Pod cover made of Snake Scrotum. Not likely. Unless of course Gwyneth Paltrow is photographed with one while out shopping.
It’s why people will wait 200 years for a table in the Ivy. This is a restaurant in London where reservations are impossible and you will pay $750 for an omelet. My mate Danny booked a table last October and got a reservation…………..honestly………….he got a table in November. I asked him why he wanted to go so badly………………..”You never know who you will see,” he replied.
I asked him after his dining experience how it was…………..he told me the food was good, the service dreadful and that he would have to sell his internal organs to pay for the check……….oh ………..but all of this was unimportant because………….he had seen Madonna and Guy Ritchie.
If, however, you find the celeb world totally and utterly boring and you would rather poke yourself in the eye with a red-hot poker than share a vacation with Pee Daddy and Jay Low, then don’t despair. Try Sardinia…………………..there’s no bugger there.
Finally, before I go. If you have seen the travel channel you will have seen a young globetrotting lady called Samantha Brown. She just sailed on the Carnival Inspiration and I will be posting an interview about her onboard experiences and her travel adventures very soon.
Until the, time to watch Heidi pack as we prepare to go home…to the Carnival Splendor
Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi
31 Comments
June 13th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
No….I’m not here to say I’m buyng a $750 0melet. I’m here to say WELCOME HOME….
June 13th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Oh how terrific! I love Samantha Brown and I am so happy she is finally doing a Carnival ship. I have watched here many times cruising on the “line we dare not mention” and always wondered why she wasn’t doing a show on Carnival. I can’t wait to read your interview with her.
Sallie
June 13th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Wow, that’s a nice TV (and is that surround sound I see?). Quite nice living quarters indeed.
_BigMike
June 13th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Hi John/Heidi:
Samantha did the same program on one of your favorite competitors “….of the Seas” ship last year. I hope she enjoyed the Inspiration more.
Nice seeing your cabin. It looks just like the one you had on the Freedom.
Thanks for another great blog today. Looking forward to catching up next week when you are back onboard.
Great hearing from you.
Take care,
David
June 13th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Dear John and Heidi hope you are having a fantastic day.On the subject of celebrities I have never understood the mystic of people wanting to know every detail of there lives.As much as I like John Wayne or Glenn Ford my favorite cowboys. I never cared about what they ate for breakfast or how they put there pants on.Maybe some thing is wrong with me? Take care Gary and Bug
June 13th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Hi John & Heidi,
Your new cabin looks so, what’s the phrase, - un-lived in. Well, that will change soon enough.
Who needs mega-yachts & superstars? We have John Heald.
Hugs,
Carol
June 13th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Well… call me pop culturally deprived… I’ve never before seen a single one of the folks in those pictures, John… I wouldn’t know them if they introduced themselves… I think I’m better off for that…
Your cabin looks wonderful! Home suite home…
I DO know who Sam Brown is and I’ve been looking forward to that special with her on the Inspiration for quite a while!! It’s about time she sailed on something other than IceRink of the Seas…
Please pass along my howdies to Heidi and my thanks to Stephanie for all she does!!
Cheers!!!
GregB
June 13th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
It’s about time Samantha Brown went on a Carnical cruise. I’m tired of the episodes of her on the “Roseanne Barr of the Seas.” I hope she filmed a new episode. John, you have agreat job, but I have to say Samantha Brown has one of the two greatest jobs on the planet, the other belonging to Hugh Hefner.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Hi John and Heidi,
I’m so glad Samantha Brown is sailing on Carnival – I just love to watch her shows – she is the one who told me about Eze, France (too bad she wasn’t on Freedom
) I can’t wait to see the Carnival episode.
Good luck with moving day and happy unpacking!!
Best to you both,
Debs
June 13th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Hi John and Heidi
I hope the move to your new home tomorrow goes well. Can’t wait to hear how it went.
Take care
James
June 13th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
John:
The most famous (and important) person in those pictures to DJ (and us) is Jaime!!!
She was an absolute delight on the Imagination and she prevented a “freddie” encounter at the Past Guest Party!!!
I hope she is still aboard when we sail in November. It will be awesome to see her again!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
June 13th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Can’t wait to see more photos soon!! Could you please tell me when we will be able to start booking cruises on the Carnival Dream?
June 13th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
John,
That other cruise line is launching their newest ship with dieters in mind. It will be aptly named:
” Splittin’ at the Seams.”
June 13th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Hi John: The only celebrity I want to see is John Heald, would you happen to know how I can accomplish this? Maybe on the Thanksgiving week cruise on the Splendor? Do you think he might be there? He is the only celebrity that I am interested in seeing! Say, do you remember the Travel channel had a video of the Inauguration of the Glory? You were the CD on it, and Mike and I were passengers for that 5 day cruise, along with my son and his wife. Anyway, I watched the video and during the taping they filmed the promenade and the shops and I am in one second of that film walking into one of the shops, Mike said when he saw the video, “of cause that is where you spend all your time”, and he is right! HA! HA! Next time they showed that video we taped part of it and got me on film. People I know who have watched that video always call me and say, “I saw you on the Carnival Glory inaugural video.” I hope you start writing back to us bloggers once you are back on board the Splendor! Miss hearing from you! Take care! Hi to Heidi! Ciao my friend, Linda
June 13th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Home Sweet Home!
I’m sure it will be good to get out of the Fawlty Towers and move to a place where service means something.
* * * Samantha Brown: Great Cruise Weekend
TV-G
This weekend Samantha wants a real break - a place to kick back, chill out and get as far away from the daily grind as possible. That’s why she’s spending a long weekend aboard Carnival’s Inspiration. June 19th 10 pm * * * from Travel Channel
The program you went to California for Cruise director for a day is on when? I think this week.
Welcome aboard the Carnival Splendor
June 13th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Hi John!
I was sailing on the Inspiration in February when Samantha Brown was taping her show. It was fun to see and talk with her on board. My friend Sarah was with her when she was going down the new twister slide with the camera. I hope she does the ship proud! I look forward to seeing the show, however my cable company doesn’t carry the Travel Channel! =( Hopefully I will find a way to watch it in the near future!
Take Care
Ashley
ps Have you heard from my friend Wee Jimmy recently? =)
June 13th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
john and heidi,
good luck in your new home the Carnival Spelndor.
we anxiously await the arrival of the Carnival Dream and hopefully you at Port Canaveral.
john steers
CCL
Port Canaveral
June 13th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
John -
I refuse to believe those were pictures of YOUR cabin. They are clearly stock pictures that you are trying to pass off.
The give away - no underwear
Enjoy your new maison, mon ami.
Missing the smoke free paradise, have sailed the nearly smokefree Carnival Freedom, returned from my recent Carnival Liberty cruise, looking forward to the 2009 blogger’s cruise and know the secret of the West Indian Pumpkin Soup.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Do you know when the travel channel featuring Carnival Inspiration will air?
loving the blogs!!! I especially love the video blogs but want a longer one! You are so funny!
June 13th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
“If, however, you find the celeb world totally and utterly boring and you would rather poke yourself in the eye with a red-hot poker than share a vacation with Pee Daddy and Jay Low”
Yep, that’s me to a tee. I had to do an internet search just now to find out who Guy Ritchie was. I have seen “Snatch” and liked it a lot, but I hadn’t remembered who directed it. And I had no idea that Madonna was actively married at the present time (assuming she hasn’t divorced in the last five minutes - you never can tell with folks like that).
When you said that the Carnival Inspiration had a bunch of soap stars onboard my first thought was, “Whew! I’m glad I’m not aboard - I bet half the ship is roped off so the celebrities don’t have to mingle too much with the great unwashed masses.”
So, yeah John, Sardinia does sound like a great place to take a vacation.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Heeeeelo John,
I hope the splendor features all or at least majoraty flat screen tv.s!!!!!
from, JAKE S. ( :
June 13th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Hey John,
Thanks for all your daily blogs, they have become a daily pleasure for me. You never fail to make me smile or laugh out loud.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Uh Oh…hubby has a thing for Samantha Brown. I’ll have to keep him away from the computer for that interview! BTW, love the little videos from you–really a lot of fun to watch!
June 13th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Mr. Herald you have an amazing blog! It’s a great way to end the day reading your tales of the ship life.
I unfortunately missed having you as my cruise director aboard the Freedom this past March. The ship had an excellent staff though. Besides Jaime, who else will be on the Splendor’s social/ entertainment staff? The Freedom had a great guy, James, who made the vacation a trip to remember, and I heard something the other day about him moving to the Splendor.
Keep up the great job!
June 13th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
John: If the blog becomes the basis for a TV sit-com, you’re liable to have need to recognize a few celebrities. Particularly the one handing you an Emmy!
Terri
June 13th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Good evening Mr. Heald. Like Carol Schoenberger said, why do we need superstars when we have the most important one already here, that being John Heald.Its amazing how people just enjoy the fact of your words. A little time back when you had one of your video’s and you showed how a table can be used more then once and your bumpity bump and that amzing smile just made me clearly understand you more. You make people feel natural like youir talking to an everyday person . Thanks for what you do for all of us. I think some of that has to be given to your lovely wife Heidi. It’s amazing just how great you two work together. Carnival should bottle you up and have every cruise director undestands what it means to work for the people arriving on a cruise . Well it’s time to get my rest. Ciao my friend.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
June 13th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
John,
Great photos of your new home, how about the rest of it. I’m sure everyone wants to see the rest before you move in. Also I live in New York Celebs are here all the time they ride the train, and even some take the bus. But they are just regular people who pay people to make them special in the worlds eye. Did you know the last celeb I saw was well No one I care to remember I guess. Hope the Stateroom stewards is getting extra tips for carrying your 500 pieces of luggage. Thank for all you do for all of us. I can’t wait to see the show on the inspiration should be great she always does great shows. Till next time, I’m off for cocktails with P Diddy, and JLO.
Kevin
June 14th, 2008 at 1:31 am
John, you’re the only star I need to see… to make my vacation complete! Come February, I’ll be a satisfied woman!
And your cabin… Very stylish… I’m not sure I see where Heidi’s computer goes??? Will she be lap dancing with hers?? (I’m doing that right now in bed, with mine…)
Regards,
Lambie
June 14th, 2008 at 11:04 am
John & Heidi,
Best wishes to you both as you board your new home.
Bob
June 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Hey John and Heidi,
Nice Crib!!! Enjoy.
Kathleen
June 16th, 2008 at 11:24 am
OMG! Samantha was on Imagination? Did they film for Travel Channel or was it a personal trip? If it was filmed you have to let me know when that episode will be on! Yay, I’m excited!
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