Friday, June 27th, 2008...2:06 pm
An Olympic Sized Handbag
The Olympics is only a few weeks away and I just can’t get excited.
I should explain at the outset that I don’t much like athletics. Running is fine when you are late for a train, or when you are seven, but the concept of running in a circle for nothing but glory seems a bit ancient to me.
Speaking of which — the javelin. In the olden days when men ate anything with four legs and Mr Smith had not yet met Mr Wesson, I should imagine that a chap with an ability to chuck a spear over a great distance would end up with many wives. But now, watching a gigantic Russian lobbing a stick is really boring……….if only they would release a herd of wild boar into the stadium and the person who speared the most wins the gold medal……………and dinner.
It’s the same with the hammer. When some enormous Neanderthal hurls it into row F of the stadium’s upper circle, do we think he is the best hammer thrower in the world? Or the best hammer thrower among those who’ve dedicated the past four years of their lives to throwing hammers? With the best will in the world, that’s not a terribly big accolade.
No matter. The Olympic Games are like Regis and Kelly. Whether you like them or not, they exist and they are popular.
Anyway, the reason I mentioning this is there is a chance that a Carnival Cruise Lines employee may in fact win a medal in the weightlifting….possibly gold….for the U.K.
Mark Felix used to be a bartender for many years with us. He is originally from the island of spice, Grenada, and now lives with his wife and ex-Youth Director Denny and two young children. Mark is, like me, all muscle and has appeared in The World’s Strongest Man contest which you may have seen on ESPN 9 at 3 am just before live women’s hockey from Belgium. I spoke to Mark yesterday and I promised to publicly wish him all the best………..he spent 11 years with Carnival and probably served you a drink and a smile…………..and if he wins………..remember I taught him everything he knows.
Well, the mood around here is one of excitement and expectation. Today, Gerry Cahill our esteemed President and really cool surfing dude will come and inspect the vessel ahead of tomorrow’s handover ceremony. I will try and ask him to say a few words if I can.
I want to thank you for all the great comments on the Carnival Dream which I have read this morning along with your oh-so-kind comments about my brief appearance on the USA network program.
I have taken the time to forward each and every comment to the offices of the senior Carnival management so they can see how excited you all are about our new vessel.
Some of the hardest working people on the ship are the cast of dancers and technicians who have been working flat out for 1 month 15 hours a day everyday to rehearse our new shows. Here are a few photos of them in a showroom that’s so beautiful they named it twice…………the Spectacular Spectacular.
Now, you are going to have to forgive me. During the next few days my blogs may take on a strange look. I may have time to write my usual drawn out long and boring rubbish or as the delivery arrives I may have to shorten what I write……..hooray I hear you cry.
However, I solemnly promise that I will write every day even if it is just a few words and I also promise some video blogs starting tomorrow as well. Before you know it I will be blogging about the guests onboard and what they are up to………..it will be like old times.
As it is I am writing this blog at 6:24am as I am pretty certain that later today time will not allow me to.
I am very proud of each and every crewmember onboard the ship…………this has been a hard delivery in the sense that there is no respite between preparing the ship and welcoming guests. Today, I will thank them all over the PA system and I will also find time to walk the ship to speak to as many as I can.
The crew is the ship…..and this ship has the best ……..I am proud to work alongside them. In the next few days I will be highlighting some of them with in-depth interviews.
Well, I am tired………….I keep thinking that Monsieur Bell is going to come back. I have no symptoms but it’s always on the back of my mind. But, I am happy and content that we are ready and if we have forgotten something ……well……….we will make it up as we go along,………………..it’s only good news from hear on in.
Even the news on the state of the planet is cheery this week. It seems the magnetic north pole is moving away from Canada so fast it could be off the coast of Russia within 50 years. So within our lifetime the people of northern England will get regular views of the aurora borealis. Unless of course they’ve all been killed by bird flu in the meantime, which, to be honest, seems unlikely.
There’s more good news from the top of the world, too. Scientists have found that killer whales in the Arctic Ocean have overtaken polar bears to become the most contaminated creatures on earth. Analysis of their blubber has shown an extraordinarily high concentration of man-made chemicals including pesticides, PCBs and flame-retardants. This means they’ll never get a headache, never have weeds growing out of their ears and they’ll never catch fire………..there……….a happy animal story………just for Mrs. S.
It’s nearly as cheery, in fact, as the news from the medical world. Face transplants are now possible and have in fact already been carried out as I am sure you have heard………although…….it gets even better……Apparently it will soon be possible to transplant a whole head, which means I could have mine sewn on to Jessica Simpson’s body, and how much fun would that be.
However, it’s not all good news.
Every week a new survey of some kind tells us how much time we waste reading pointless e-mails or watching television or listening to automated answering machines with menus that last for days before you actually get to speak to someone………and when you do they are in India.
Recently I was told that over a lifetime the average man wastes 394 days sitting on the lavatory. That’s 56 weeks, wailed the report despairingly, though I can’t imagine why. They’re the happiest and most peaceful 56 weeks of a chap’s life. I love being on the lavatory more than I love being on holiday, and I certainly don’t consider it time wasted.
And anyway, 56 weeks is nothing compared with the amount of time I really do waste, standing outside the front door in the freezing cold waiting for Heidi to find the keys in her handbag.
That’s nothing though compared to Heidi and her mobile phone. Normally it rings for 48 hours before she finds it nestling at the bottom of her bag, underneath a receipt for something she bought in 1998.
These days, if I suspect her phone might be in her bag I write a letter instead. It’s quicker.
The American army thinks they have a tough time trying to find Osama Bin Laden, who is holed out in a cave somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan. But really they should thank their lucky stars he didn’t choose to hide out in my wife’s handbag.
God, I’ve just thought of something. Maybe he did. Maybe he’s in there now, with his AK-47 and his video recorder. Maybe he’s using the mobile she lost two years ago to supply Al-Jazeera with news.
I read last week that women in the USA spend $350 million a year on handbags and that there’s one particular brand that has a yearlong waiting list even though it costs $7,000… Lets analyze that shall we………$7,000 ……..that’s the same price as a Ducati Motorcycle………a 7-day cruise staying in a suite….or a new nose.
What’s more, it’s said that on average women have up to 40 handbags each. To find out why, I spoke to Heidi, who reckons she has about 25. Apparently it has something to do with the seasons. She claims she couldn’t use her favourite bag in the summer because it’s made out of some cow and “would look all wrong.”
So what then? Should a summer bag be made out of Hippopotamus? Parrot? Richard Simmons? The idea that a handbag has something to do with style was backed up by a spokesman for a shoe and handbag designer company called Jimmy Moo, who said that if you have good shoes and a good bag you will look right.
Rubbish. If you are ugly and you have only one tooth there’s no handbag in the world that will mask the problem, unless you wear it over your head. And I don’t recommend that because if you put your head in a handbag it would take two years to find it again.
So what does she have in there then? Well, there’s an Eye Pod and the aforementioned phone that even though the ring tone is the entire London Symphony Orchestra playing the 1812 Overture complete with Cannons she never bloody hears… Then there is make up ……..enough to supply every extra from Braveheart with lipstick and zit cream. She also has chewing gum, mints, two pairs of sunglasses and mysteriously some tape and scissors. I asked her why she had these and she said “you never know when I might need them”……so does that mean she has other things in there she might need but never uses….a tin of tuna, an electric drill………incontinence pants?
I genuinely don’t understand this need to carry everything you’ve ever owned around with you at all times…
When I go out I take keys for the house, keys for the car, a telephone, a couple of credit cards, some money, a cigar, a lighter and a packet of mints. And even when I’m sweat pants and a T-shirt, which is always, I cope just fine.
Then there’s my wallet. I never leave this at home, principally because it contains the single most important thing a man can have about his person: endless pages torn from newspapers and magazines. Something to read, in other words, when I’m supposedly “wasting time” on the lavatory. ……….which is where I am heading to right now.
CARNIVAL LAUNCHES NEW ‘ENDLESS SUMMER CELEBRATION’ SALE
Four-Week July Promotion Features Deals on a Wide Variety of Three- to 12-Day ‘Fun Ship’ Cruises to the Caribbean, Bahamas, Mexico and Europe
MIAMI (June 26, 2008 ) – Carnival Cruise Lines will launch a new sales promotion – “Endless Summer Celebration” – offering different weekly specials on “Fun Ship” cruises booked during the month of July.
The new “Endless Summer Celebration” offers sales promotions on a wide range of three- to 12-day “Fun Ship” cruises to the Bahamas, Caribbean, Mexico and Europe in 2008-09, with a different promotion featured each week.
Upcoming offers for the “Endless Summer Celebration” sales event include shipboard credits; stateroom upgrades; special rates for third and fourth guests in a stateroom; holiday offers and regional savings; and discounts on a variety of fall, winter and spring departures.
“Summer is the perfect time to start planning that special family get-together for the holidays, an unforgettable weekend getaway in the fall or that much-needed break from midwinter doldrums,” said Lynn C. Torrent, Carnival’s senior vice president of sales and guest services. “Carnival’s ‘Endless Summer Celebration’ is a unique way to extend the summer while providing an excellent incentive for consumers to book their fall and winter getaways now, with attractive discounts and special offers available on a wide range of ‘Fun Ship’ departures,” she added.
The promotion is capacity controlled and not combinable with any other discount offer. Applies to new individual bookings only. Certain other restrictions apply.
A special Web site, www.bookccl.com/endlesssummer, has been created where travel agents can request a collateral kit, download ad slicks, e-flyers and more.
For additional information and reservations on the “Fun Ship” vacation experience, call 1-800-327-9501 (individual) or 1-800-327-5782 (groups) or visit the line’s travel agent Internet portal, BookCCL.com.
###
As You can see from the insert above……………..Carnival is having a Summer Sale. Now, you know me……….I don’t like to use this blog thingy as a sales tool ………..but………as I sit here on this brand new ship………….looking out of my window I see another new ship the Costa Pacifica looking magnifico in the rising sun…..I realize how utterly brilliant these ships are and that anyone who thinks about taking a vacation anywhere else except on the sea………………..is absolutely nuts.
Good Morning
Your friends
John and Heidi
26 Comments
June 27th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Have just read your latest blog whilst under the afluence of incahol.
Have you noticed that instead of weddings and christenings as time goes on its now retirements and funerals you get invited to.
My lad Rob is working teaching english( with a Manchester accent ) in China and part of his contract takes him to Beijing for the Olympics for the 2 weeks of the athletics tournament, his job is to get feedback from the english speaking athletes on the facilities provided,I have given him Mark’s details and hope he gets to speak with him during the games. We will all be looking out for him back here.
Another reason we are not cruising this year 2 weeks in Hong Kong and Guangzhou in October instead of Miami and a western Caribbean cruise, damn it,
mum gets first choice !!
June 27th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
” I realize how utterly brilliant these ships are and that anyone who thinks about taking a vacation anywhere else except on the sea………………..is absolutely nuts.”
Yep… no doubt. There’s a thread on Cruise Critic right now that address that topic. It asks ‘Why is a cruise better than a land vacation?’ So far, 124 folks have expressed their opinion. 124 folks feel passionate enough about why they cruise, what makes cruising special that they took time from their day to express their opinion. That, as they say, is strong. For me the answer is simple… the sea and the people. Nowhere else can you find people as friendly as on a Carnival ship. Of course, I’m speaking of the staff and crew… and most of the guests. If one wants to be abused, over charged and have their intelligence insulted I suggest a land vacation… nearly anywhere.
Time for me to go back to simulating work as my day is drawing to a close and I should get something… anything!!
Ciao!!!
Host Mach from Cruise Critic
June 27th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Good afternoon, The blog was very appropiate for me as I just bought a new handbag but can’t use it today because it is a casual daytime bag and we’re going out for dinner. So– I have to change to my causal evening handbag – a Brighton. Then tomorrow back to the other bag unless it clashes with what I intend to wear. If so — okay you get the picture – boring! When you write about this kind of thing, it’s a hoot and interesting. Oh well. Have a good day. Jeri
June 27th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Hi John & Heidi,
Are you picking on Heidi & her handbag on purpose – just for Mrs. S.? Actually the contents of her bag sound a lot like mine, and I include a lighter & sometimes a pack of cigarettes, tylenol, sewing kit, pen, my work I.D., sometimes my checkbook, some plastic bags if I take an umbrella and/or lunch to work. And of course, the bag has to change depending on what I’m wearing, or the season or if I’m planning to go shopping and put things in it. That is only logical. I’m sure all the women would agree with me ????
It will be good to have the normal blog thingy back when you start cruising again, but little raspberry blogs are fine too. Just as long as we hear from you.
And good luck to Mark in Beijing. I can’t guarantee that I’ll see the event (time differences, event scheduling, etc.), but I’ll try.
Have a good weekend everyone,
Carol
June 27th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Hello John and Heidi
I like the Olympics for the most part but I have a hard time fitting them in with the hours being the same time as my sleeping hours and then the TV station decide to show “snippets” which means they show “bits and pieces” cutting in and out with their commercials which makes them a “why bother” situation.
No regarding handbags. I have maybe 12, none of them over $50.00. It’s not like I don’t WANT to have those famous ones I just cannot see paying those prices. I can think of better thngs to do with my money as you pointed out. AND the other problem is tru. I do find myself hunting. The larger the bag the more I stuff in it. I do clean them out once a month, however I do find myself hunting for the keys and hunting for the phone, and finding those old receipts but zi do file them in an envelope I keep in my purse. I tried to go smaller but them I couldn’t close the blooming thing….. The other problem. To keep fashionable, as I wear a color each day I find myself changing handbags each day and that can be a pain in the asteriod as well… so sometimes it is better to fins one for all seasons multicolored one for spring, sommer, winter and fall..
ok im getting off that soapbox now
Take Care
E Tucker
June 27th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
John:
I have 2 handbags. A Louis Vuitton and a Kate Spade.
The Louis Vuitton I use every day. The Kate Spade I will use when the LV finally wears out. I don’t take either when I cruise. I use a LV wallet on the ship and that’s it.
For $1,600.00 for a LV handbag…I hope it lasts awhile!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
June 27th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Hi John/Heidi:
Great to hear from you today. I’m not surprised that they are trying to run a cruise summer sale considering the state of gasoline prices right now. Gotta make up that occupancy.
I will be rooting for Mr. Felix at the Olympics this year. That would be very special to watch him win.
Thanks for another great blog and looking forward to reading more as the handoff ceremony occurs this weekend.
Take care,
David
June 27th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Take care of yourself. I don’t want Monsieur Bell to return to visit you either. My family and I were on the Freedom the week you had Monsieur Bell visit (your last week aboard) and I never got to see both of your beautiful eyes.
We are planning spending another week with you in a few months and we would like to see both of your eyes this time!
Keep smilin’
June 27th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Oh, I guess I’m below average. I own one purse. Just one. That’s it. And it’s only for formal occasions, which I don’t do very often. I have a messenger bag that I use for work, but when I’m not working it stays home. The rest of the time, I just stick what I need in my pockets. If I don’t have a pocket, then I stick it in Scott’s pockets. And if I don’t have Scott, I make sure I wear something with pockets.
If I’m doing more of an outing where I might need to carry other things that won’t fit in my pockets, like on my recent to Disney World, I have this neat little drawstring backpack that says “I heart John’s Blog Thingy” that is very handy and suitable for holding a camera, a bottle of water, a wallet and a tiara.
But that’s it. I think I never developed the purse habit because I never really witnessed it. Growing up, my step-mom only ever carried a wallet.
I’m excited for the return of the old style blogs and more crew interviews. Do you have one lined up with your production singer Lawrence? Please, please, pretty please?
Oh and you had to tease me with the press release about the sale? I’ve already got 3 more in the pipeline including the Blogger’s Cruise V.2.0 in February! I think if I book anymore my boss will fire me and my boyfriend will leave me and then where will I be?
In case I haven’t mentioned it, I have a beautiful new nephew just born last week. James Allen is absolutely perfect and in 13 short years I will probably take him on his first Carnival Cruise. The Dream will be considered old by then and I can’t possibly imagine what the new ships will look like by then. But as long as they still have a piano bar, I’ll be happy.
Cheers mate,
Laura (aka divetrash, aka Princess Laura, the sweet and compromised of Big Ed’s Evil Krewe)
June 27th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Wow I hope he wins a medal!!!!
June 27th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Lieve John en Heidi,
Kennen jullie ons nog….?
Wij hopen dat het goed met jullie gaat en hopen jullie deze zomer een keertje te zien op de Splendour. Ken heeft ons een lunch beloofd als jullie een keer in Amsterdam zijn, dus hopelijk gaat dat nog lukken
.
Verder mag ik dinsdag aanwezig zijn bij de doop van de Eurodam door Koningin Beatrix. Ik heb er veel zin in, ben heel benieuwd hoe dat zal gaan en ben ook benieuwd naar het mooie nieuwe zusterschip van jullie…..maar als ik daar zal rondlopen as dinsdag zal ik zeker aan jullie denken!
Liefs,
Mirelle & Christa
June 27th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Ps…wij zijn ook benieuwd naar jouw beide ogen, John
June 27th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
John, I just asked my wife about all the things she carries in her purse and she gave me a one-word answer: Because. I dropped the subject after that.
John
June 27th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
John I swear you must have psychic powers. I have very few pocketbooks, but I bought one today.I carry no makeup, just my purse, checkbook, keys to everything that we own, and my cellphone. I generally try to have some tylenol in case Don has a headache. But just those few things make my pocketbook weigh a ton…….or so it seems.
Now Carnival has a sale on cruises when I just paid off the last of the 2 cruises for this fall plus the BC2. Think they will have a sale July 1 when I book the Dream???? Right! dream on. grin.
Good luck to Mark, hope he does you proud and remembers everything you taught him……lol
Hi to your parents, sister and most of all HI HEIDI, please write.
Don is waiting on me to leave on our weekend trip in our $4.60 every 9 miles RV. Guess I’d better get off of this puter.
Enjoy the handover ceremony.Take pictures
Carolyn
June 27th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
To Linda (mom of DJ) WOW, $1600 for an LV handbag, you could go on a cruise for the price of that handbag! I have lots of handbags but have never paid more than $25 for one. As long as it is big and holds all my stuff, that’s all that matters, I don’t need to impress anyone. But if you like the LV handbags more power to you!
John, when will you start responding to blog emails? Next week starts the first Splendor cruise. Sounds like everything is in order. Can’t wait to see the new Godmother of the Splendor blog. Also, hoping to hear more about the Cove Balconies, before July 1st! A lot of us are asking, please let us know, so we can decide on the cabin we want to book on July 1st. Have a nice weekend. Linda & Mike
June 27th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
John,
I guess I need to go out shopping…I have one purse, a LIZ purse I bought on sale for $14.99. I will use this one until it falls apart and then buy another one. But now I need one for my head. You see, since my last accident, I knocked out most of my teeth and we do not have dental insurance. I’m looking at needing a complete set of false teeth…so it would be much cheaper just to put a purse over my head.
Now about my purse contents….YES I need everything in it, and NO I do not have the kitchen sink in it even if it weighs like it!
Princess Susan
June 27th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
HI,
So nice to know that you are on board and ready to sail once again. I only have 1 handbag. It came from Walmart and when it falls apart, I will buy another. Not much for brand names, and I would much rather spend my money on a cruise. After all, it is just a hole that stores stuff, but a cruise is a forever memory.
Ciao, Kathleen
June 27th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
John -
I would like to suggest a blogger’s contest. We guess the first Splendorous passenger complaint that causes you to post on a blog.
I am going to guess it will be an elderly lady with blue hair from Estonia complaining that there are no copies of Jann Kross’ Keisri hull in the native Estonia for her to read.
Next guess
Jon
June 27th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Interesting rant about the contents of Heidi’s handbag. Where do you keep your DOGHOUSE?
June 27th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Host Mach
June 27th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
…. There’s a thread on Cruise Critic right now that address that topic. It asks ‘Why is a cruise better than a land vacation?’ ….
Host Mach from Cruise Critic
—>
Hi Host Mach!
Could you provide a link to this thread???
I am hoping it will convince my husband’s family to have their next reunion on the Carnival Splendor.
And John, I am assuming from all the comments you will be the CD on the Splendor… Is this true??? Hope so!
Thanks!
Linda
June 28th, 2008 at 7:22 am
Am quite happy to report that I don’t fit the handbag mould. I hate the things and try to go without whenever I can. But then again, you should see DH’s pockets!
June 28th, 2008 at 7:56 am
$7,000 new purse??? I just get her a Vera Bradley on ebay for $30 which is 1/2 the price @ the store and she’s happy with it for a week. She got both her boobs for $6,000 ( and might I add WOW sr wowsr on the job the fella did on them) and we could take a cruise with the other $1,000. I’m happy longer than a week with that!!!
June 28th, 2008 at 9:40 am
John,
Love your blog. My wife and I are looking forward to seeing you on the Splendor 18/8 sailing to the Baltics. Perhaps we may even have time to chat, if your busy schedule permits.
Keep up the good work.
June 28th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Had to go count my bags after reading this. 25 in total including a Coach, Louis Vitton, Fendi, Prada, Liz, Kathy VanZealand, Ralph Lauren and Hermes. What can I say? I could have gone on 10 cruises with all of those. Perhaps I might start selling on Ebay. O’well, the bags are only half as many as the shoes!
June 29th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I do like purses, BUT $7000?, I do have priorities. What could I do with $7000???
$ 1750 * 2 weeks = $3500 (BL GTY)
grats = $140
flight = $400
pre cruise hotel $100
transport $40
tips = $60
excursions = $600
bar bill =$ 700
misc = $260
TOTAL B2B Carib Cruise on Conquest = $5800
MEMORIES = Priceless
And still leaves me $1200 for at least 24 designer knock off purses from the islands!! (NOT)
This is going all by myself, find myself a cabin mate….. hmm , see you later, I have got to go call a TA
June 29th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
John…
I can’t find my phone in my purse, so I have this handy clip on pouch that holds my phone on the outside. NOW, I can get all my texts and calls… unless I forget it…
lose it…
or forget to charge it!!!
And, I clip my keys on the outside, too…
My purse is a wasteland… and FULL, CROWDED wasteland…
Thanks for bringing that to my attention!!!
Lambie
Leave a Reply