When I was 18 years of age and wondering what to do with my life there were three careers that I truly considered.
First of all I wanted to be a Vet, however as I have mentioned to you before I was and still am carrying a rather small amount of brain cells and therefore was basically too thick to even think about trying to understand the principles of curing the world of sick animals…………..plus ……….after consideration……..I didn’t really relish the thought of traipsing across a field in the freezing cold snow of winter knowing the only way my hands were going to get warm was after they had been inserted into Daisy the Heffers bottom.
I also thought about going into Politics. I loved and still love that world and my two biggest male “hard as rock” role models are Winston Churchill and Margaret Thatcher. However, it was never to be.
The final possibility was to join the Army. My Dad was in the Army serving in the Royal Sussex regiment serving in post war Germany. I had visions of grandeur dressed in my smart uniform fending off swarms of young ladies……………….again it was never to be.
However, I did, a few years ago spend the day with the Territorial’s in the UK. These are similar to your National Guard but obviously on a much smaller scale. My mate Larry Pots or TEEPOT as he was known was a Dentist by day and at weekends a Captain in the territorial’s.
I will never forget the 24 hours I spent with him and the lads. We did some very realistic training which included one of the most remarkable experiences I have ever had.
I was part of an eight-man team charged with the task of storming a well-defended house, shooting everyone inside and getting out again in under 15 minutes.
The rules were simple. I was to stick with my buddy unless he got wounded in which case I was to leave him behind. Marvelous. None of that soppy movie nonsense here……….oh ..sorry you’ve been shot mate……………and then bugger off……….those were the orders.
So, dolled up like Action Man, I had the latest SA80 assault rifle slung over my right shoulder and, in my trouser pockets, a clutch of grenades. I was going to open a tin of whoop arse, unleash a hail of hot lead and do that war film thing where I point at my eyes, then point at a wood and then make a V sign, for no reason.
Unfortunately, things went badly. They had asked me to bring along the explosives which would blow a hole in the side of the house, but I forgot, which meant we all had to climb through a window. It turns out that it’s amazingly easy to shoot someone when they’re doing this.
I was shot the first time in the sitting room and again on the stairs. Then some burly commandos picked me up and shoved me through a trap door into the attic.
Well, when I say “through”, this is not entirely accurate. My embarrassingly significant stomach became wedged in the hole which meant my head and upper torso were in the loft with three of the enemy, while the rest of me and my gun were on the landing below. And believe me, it’s even easier to shoot someone when they’re in this position than when they’re climbing through a window.
Happily, because everyone was firing blanks, I wasn’t really killed.
The problems with doing this sort of thing are many. First, we were all wearing exactly the same clothes and full war paint so my buddy looked like everyone else. And second, there are so many levers on an SA80 Machine gun that every time I wanted fully automatic fire, or to engage the laser sights, the magazine fell out onto my foot and that hurt like hell
But worse than this is the army’s insistence on talking almost exclusively in acronyms. Throughout the firefight the house had echoed to the sound of mumbo jumbo, none of which made any sense at all. “DETCON WOMBAT” shouted someone into my earpiece……….then for some reason someone started ordering a SUBWAY sandwich with yells of “FOOTLONG LAYUP” . Rat-a-tat-tat barked the enemy’s AK-47 and beep went my earpiece to signify I had been shot again………….this time in the groin………….probably by a sniper…………….a very good sniper to hit a small target like that.
Things were not explained in the debrief. This, said the colour sergeant, had been FIBUA (Fighting in Built Up Areas) and we had done FISH (Fighting in Someone’s House). Heald, he didn’t need to point out, had been a FLOS (Fat Lump of S***).
How many times have we seen the President in American films ordering a man in green clothes to go to Defcon 3? Hundreds. And do you know what — I still have no idea what this means, or which way the numbering goes. Even now, if someone told me to go to Defcon 1, I wouldn’t know whether to launch the nukes or ask the President of North Korea over for tea and crumpets.
I loved my day………….I enjoyed the thrill ………….and afterwards I realized I would have been a dreadful soldier. However, if just for a day it gave me an insight to what our lads and lasses do each and every day and although I write in jest……………..I still could not imagine what doing that for real must be like…………each and every day.
So, its appropriate that as I salute the men and women of the armed forces here in the blog that I show you this press release which goes out tomorrow night and which PA 007 has sent me once again……………as breaking news.
ROYAL NAVY DIVERS RISE TO THE OCCASIONMYLEENE KLASS PLAYS IN DIVERS TO NAME CARNIVAL SPLENDOR
- First ever underwater-to-hull bottle break to name biggest passenger ship to sail from Dover -
London, July 3:
Multi-talented classical musician, singer and presenter Myleene Klass will have a spectacular bottle-breaking “assist” from Royal Navy divers when she performs her first-ever Ship’s Godmother duties next week by officially naming the 113,000 tonne Carnival Splendor – the biggest passenger ship to sail from Dover Cruise Port.
Ultra-fit Petty Officer Christian Rumming, 39, assisted by a Royal Navy dive team led by Lt Ian Richardson, 43, will be underwater near the bow of the Carnival Splendor when he will hear a unique radio signal from Myleene Klass, playing live classical piano music on the ship’s top Lido deck. PO Rumming will let out some compressed air from his diving tanks and then personally climb, in wet suit, safety harness and flippers, a 60ft black marlin ascent rope to reach the Carnival Splendor’s name on the top of her bow.
PO Rumming will then break with tradition, for instead of French champagne, he will undertake Myleene’s command and smash against the hull a bottle of the highly acclaimed 1994 vintage Nyetimber English sparkling wine, chosen by Carnival to emphasise their selection of Britain to launch their largest and latest superliner.
Myleene Klass said, “Not only am I excited about launching my first-ever ship with the Carnival Splendor, but also I am so looking forward to working with the Royal Navy men who seem to be under my command – if only for a couple of minutes! I plan to give PO Chris Rumming the start signal by playing some classical music on Carnival Splendor’s baby grand piano.”
Lt Ian Richardson of the Royal Navy Fleet Diving Squadron said, “This has to be a rather unusual assignment for my men, who are trained in deep sea marine diving and underwater bomb and mine disposal to protect our fleet, but I am confident they can pull this off.”
more…Carnival Cruise Lines President and CEO Gerry Cahill said, “Myleene Klass and the Royal Navy are a unique combination, and we are very honoured that they are joining forces to successfully name the Carnival Splendor.”
Carnival Splendor offers a comprehensive selection of restaurants, show-stopping entertainment, four swimming pools, a 5,500 sq ft children’s play area and Carnival’s largest ever floating spa featuring a thalassotherapy pool, thermal suite and 17 treatment rooms.
Immediately after its Naming Ceremony, Carnival Splendor sets sail for a three day preview cruise to Amsterdam, returning to Dover on July 13, when it will depart on the same day for its official inaugural 12-day cruise to the Baltic countries, visiting Copenhagen; Warnemunde (for Berlin); Helsinki; St Petersburg; Tallinn and Amsterdam.
Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi
PS the man in the rubber suit is not me…………I know it looks like me…………but its not..
Filed under: Europe, Tales from the Ship, Travel | Tagged: Carnival Splendor
I am aghast… When I saw that picture I thought ‘There’s my mate John!’ Well… not really but it sounds good…
I’m hoping the water is clear enough for Petty Officer Christian Rumming to be able to see the bow! Here’s hoping that the bottle of Nyetimber English sparkling wine breaks against the hull… We had a recent spate of very stubborn bottles. The ceremony is just eight days away. I’m sure everybody can feel the excitement!!
As for acronyms… let me toss this one out there and see if anyone recognizes it… KMAGYOYO…
Cheers!!!
Host Mach
PS the man in the rubber suit is not me…………I know it looks like me…………but its not..
No way! How was that switch possible? You had us all fooled, but then you are much better looking.
I should have noticed right away.
Jan
Yeah but I seriously thought it WAS you..if not real at least Photoshop’ed!
Hi John, Are we going to see the naming ceremony? It sounds exciting.
By the way I guess you know by now why AJ couldn’t be the Splendors’ godmother. She is having twins in a few weeks. That must make you feel better.
Jo and Dave
John, as usual you had me laughing, except this time Don is asleep on the couch about 2 feet away and I had to keep my giggles to myself…..and that dear heart is hard to do. If I had woke him up I would have blamed it all on you…….giggle.
I sure wish we could be there to see the grand ceremonies and sail with you on the first voyage on the Splendor. But we will get to cruise on it in Nov. so guess I can’t feel too badly about it.
We are booked on the first cruise the Dream makes out of NY. Hope to see you there also.
And of course we will see you and Heidi both on the BC2.
All this cruising planned and it is still 80 some days until we sail on the Holiday. I’m getting cruising fever, and the only cure is to cruise on a Carnival ship……… I hope the fever isn’t fatal………. snicker
Bon Voyage. Hopefully we will see you on this side of the pond Nov 27th
Carolyn
Hi John,
I’m on board, where you at?
The bloggers might enjoy seeing what I have discovered so far.
http://www.zydecocruiser.com/splendor/splendor_pre_map.htm
Big Ed – you will be delighted to know that the bathrobes are huge! It swallows me.
John,
Don’t skimp on the details of the naming ceremony (maybe a video?!?!?!). Thanks Big Mate.
_BigMike
Chief, Blog Security
Wow that is going to be amazing .. I sure wish Carnival was doing a web video thingy (to use John’s favorite techical phrase .) like HAL did for the Eurodam. But I am confident that our intrepid blogger will have pictures and video right here !!
Could you get me PO Christian Rummings phone number? I’d gladly kick my Mom off the passenger list for the Aug 30th sailing if he would travel with me instead!
How have the last couples of days gone onboard, any stories you would like to share?
WOW – that looks to be quite the intricate operation. I can’t wait to watch the streaming video on carnival’s website. Thanks for sharing!
Dawn (who is almost down to single digits for her splendor cruise on July 13th!)
Yes John it is diifcult to distunguish between you and PO Rumming; this sounds so exciting! See you on July 13th.
Hi John & Heidi,
I was wondering where your blog thingy was heading today. These ship namings are getting more and more adventerous. Sounds exciting.
And yes, the man in the rubber suit looks exactly like you!
The ship’s naming reminded me of something I wanted to bring up. The other day I saw something on TV about “The Dream Foundation” and Priscilla Presley. It was a charity, I think a lot like the Make-a-Wish group. So I went on-line to check it out because it gave me an idea. The Dream Foundation is an L.A.-based group and is the first wish-granting organization for adults with terminal illnesses. Priscilla P. is the “Dream Foundation Ambassador” (whatever that means). But the Board of Directors and celebrities involved is very impressive, along with their good deeds. I saw Michael Douglas’s name on the list (but not Catherine), and Kathy Ireland is involved with them too. My idea at first was to have Priscilla P. as Godmother of the Carnival Dream, but since I’m not really a big fan of hers, I thought it might be better to possibly have someone more directly involved, or even one of the dream recipients. I don’t know how far in advance Carnival contacts people they’ve chosen or the procedures, and it may be difficult with someone who is very ill, but wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone chosen for the position?
Is it worth sharing this idea with the powers that be in Miami?
Sorry for the long, drawn-out post, but I wanted to tell you this before I had a senior moment and forgot it.
Have a wonderful cruise, and I hope we’ll hear more from you later. If not, as we say in the Colonies – Happy 4th of July everyone,
Love,
Carol
ohn,
I too salute all our men and women serving to protect our freedoms and liberties!! God Bless them ALL!!!
I had the joy to spend a moment in a day in the life of a solider at Ft. Hood. Only four hours of guns and helos and over-turned amoured Hummers and doing and listening… not a lifetime or a mission…
I only tasted what they do 24/7 for us!! Only a brief whiff… But I pray for that unit, and I support them in all they do!!!
God Bless you and Heidi and Stephanie, too!!
Lambie
P.S. I am so glad they used British sparkling wine!!
Altho’ it is fitting to smash French wine against things… :-O
Thanks for the update on the Godmother ceremony. I’m glad to see such respect for our allies armed forces as well as our own
Reading your snippet about a weeked trainging drill brought back all sorts of acronyms I’ve heard while growing up and later serving in the military (I’ll let you figure them out/research them
):
SNAFU
BOHICA
REMF
FUBAR
I’ll leave you with one a friend of mine just reminded me about, since it seems to pertain to your relationship with your Dell Lap Top Dancer…
PEBKAC – Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair
Happy American Colonies Revolt Day!
we will be sailing on Splendor Oct 29,2008.
can’t believe it ’s only 3 months away.
One night in Rome, four nights in Tuscany and than 16 Magical nights on the new Carnival Splendor.
Really? The man in the rubber suit is not you? Gee, it kind of resembled you; I thought it was you looking rough and tough from all the dieting.
Seriously–loved the videos in the last post, and I do think your face looked a bit thinner, and your collar looser……BTW, tell Heidi the bit she filmed with the “open fly” was priceless!
Sounds Awesome
Divas & frogmen from the Queen
CArnival Rules
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to John -zydecocruiser -
Great pictures!!
Keep them coming.
Can’t wait untill 13-07-2008!!!
David and Debbie
Cabin 1063
I’m certain the ceremony will be grand with all the normal pomp and circumstance associated with an event of this nature. If there are any concerns with the bottle breaking (champagne or otherwise) ….no offense to Lady Camilla. I’m sure John would be happy to blow a bottle that is sure to shatter and splinter into a gajillion pieces. He has shown some innate ability creating delicate works of glass with his recent familiarization trip.
El Flying Dutchman
Lurking and always reading el Blog Thingy….
Mark
Hi John/Heidi:
I hope there is video of this underwater break.
That sounds really cool.
Great stories today. Thanks for posting.
Hope all is well.
Take care,
David
John,
Was that Heidi in the background behind rubber suit man? Can’t wait to see the videos of this event.
Kevin
Hi, John. I will be going on the july 13th cruise out of Dover on the new Splendor with my family and friends. There are 20 of us and we plan to have a grand old time. What exciting plans do have for us?
Can you say what time the naming ceremony will be please? Have been looking everywhere but cant find any details! We are booked on the 3 night Amsterdam, and wondered whether we will get to see what goes on etc etc we have ben told we cant board until 3pm.
Any info/details you can give us all please?
Many thanks in advance, James.