Thursday, July 3rd, 2008...7:00 pm
Yachts, Monte Carlo, And The First Brilliant Comment.
Here we are in Monte Carlo. For the first ever time a Carnival Cruise Lines vessel sits among the rich and tanned’s playboy palaces known as Super Yachts. These are normally the center of the tourists’ attention but today all eyes are on the Carnival Splendor.
However, there are some enormous buggers in the harbor including one called Octopus which looks like something a James Bond villain would be planning to conquer the world from.
Obviously, living on a yacht like that must be an extraordinary experience and some time ago I nearly ended up experiencing this for myself.
We all know the form at charity auctions. You have a few glasses of wine and then you spend an hour or so trying desperately to not buy a flying lesson or a book signed by David Beckham…………which was probably forged anyway,
I especially know the form because recently I was the auctioneer at a charity event to raise funds for the Lupus foundation during a cruise hosted by The Backstreet Gang singing group. The evening went brilliantly, mainly because two hands kept shooting out of the crowd buying just about everything, no matter how high the price.
With that experience so fresh in my mind I should have known better than to stick my hand up at an auction while I was home held to raise money for the charity Save The Children. I was invited by my friend Danny. It was a black-tie event and it was nearly a very tragic evening.
The lot was a week on a 140-foot-long super yacht in the south of France. It has two speedboats slung over the back, 2 jet skis, 12 cabins, a crew of 8 (including a Chef) and the bar stools coated in whale foreskin.
Ordinarily, seven days on this ocean-going champagne and caviar palace would cost (and I will put the prices in US dollars) $35,000, Bidding started at $5,000. Or rather it didn’t. Nobody put their hand up………………….so I did.
Now, I should point out that I didn’t have $5,000 to spend………and I have no idea what came over me………I just looked on as my hand shot in the air. It was holding a sign with my bidding number 58 on it and I started waving it about like a second grader asking teacher if he could go take a pee.
“At last,” he exclaimed, in an excitable, auctioneery way, “a bid of $5,000 from Number 58. Now. Who’ll give me $6,000?” The room, I noted with quiet satisfaction, was stuffed with several hundred extremely blonde women and an equal number of bronzed men who, I figured, would want to show their friends just how rich they’d become in recent years.
A minute passed and still no hands had gone up. The auctioneer was giving it his all, gyrating and twitching as though he’d become attached to the mains, but nothing.
Then the awful truth began to dawn. The women were blonde because they were hairdressers, not jet setting supermodels. And the men were brown because they work all day in the open air……….. on construction sites. Nobody was going to top my bid. …..and Heidi while getting a week on a yacht would have to go without the new cooker and freezer I had promised her………….and I would be a dead man.
I began to feel sick………I tried to tell myself that I just donated $5,000 to a worthy cause to protect children but at the same time my head was spinning from the obvious rain of terror that Heidi would bestow upon me….oh……and the fact that I had about $150 dollars in my wallet.
Going once……………I imagined the frying pan flying through the air towards my head
Going twice…………Maybe I could do a runner…….but I had given them my name and address when I signed on to bid……….someone had better get me a bucket because….
“I have a bid of $6,000 from number 23”……….I was saved. A wave of relief and joy flooded over me at the same time the auctioneer said “number 58…do I hear $7,000 “
All eyes, turned to me………..I tried to look calm and deep in thought. Everyone was probably thinking that I was seriously considering the offer when in actual fact I was considering shoving the auctioneer’s microphone down his throat.
I shook my head and sighed hoping he would bugger off and leave me alone.
He did.
It was over.
I had been stupid and nearly paid the price. I remember afterwards thinking that it wouldn’t have been too bad………a week on a yacht with the crew serving my every whim……..but that thought was short lived when Danny showed me some of the small print in the catalogue about what the price didn’t include.
Fuel for instance. And on a boat of this type you don’t measure consumption in terms of miles per gallon or even gallons per mile. Oh no. When you are topping up a vessel like this, you have to think of the diesel fuel in terms of tons. And then there are the mooring fees, which, in a port like Monte Carlo, will be hundreds and hundreds of dollars a night.
“So,” I said to myself, “even if I could afford to get the boat to Monaco, and I can’t, I wouldn’t be able to afford to park it there.”
Yes, and that’s just the start of it, because other things that weren’t included were drinks, food and, crucially, a tip for the crew, which is normally 10% of the charter fee. Great. I was facing a week on a boat, not eating, not drinking and not moving. Just recovering from the fact I’d had to walk to the south of France because I couldn’t afford the price of the airline ticket to get home.
It’s not until you put 3,000 paying guests onboard that you know what works, what does not work and what you should have thought of before they walked up the gangway.
So far our biggest concerns are these.
The WaterWorks floor is too slippery and we need to buy mats that will stop the kids smashing into the bulkhead at 50 miles an hour when they come down the slide. These mats should be here tomorrow and this will make it a safe and fun play area. Until we do the area stays closed.
The indoor music system…….that’s the one in the corridors and public areas are not functioning as it should with certain areas needing to be adjusted.
Apart from this everything is going very well indeed. We have 3,290 guests onboard with mostly guests from the United States and the following from around the world.
| Argentina | |
| Australia | 26 |
| Azerbaijan | 3 |
| Bahamas | |
| Belgium | 33 |
| Belorussia | |
| Bermuda | |
| Brazil | 9 |
| Canada | 290 |
| Czech Republic | |
| Chile | 2 |
| China | 4 |
| Colombia | |
| Costa Rica | |
| Cuba | |
| Cyprus | 14 |
| Denmark | 19 |
| Dominican Republic | 8 |
| Finland | 2 |
| France | 9 |
| Germany | 86 |
| Guatemala | |
| Guyana | |
| Hong Kong | 2 |
| Iceland | |
| India | |
| Iran | |
| Ireland | |
| Israel | |
| Italy | 24 |
| Korea | |
| Malaysia | 1 |
| Malta | |
| Mexico | 9 |
| Netherlands | 10 |
| Netherlands Ant | |
| Peru | |
| Philippines | 8 |
| Poland | |
| Portugal | |
| Puerto Rico | 5 |
| Russia | 67 |
| Slovenia | |
| South Africa | 8 |
| Spain | |
| Sweden | 2 |
| Switzerland | 4 |
| Taiwan | |
| Thailand | 1 |
| Trinidad and Tobago | |
| Turkey | 13 |
| UK | 401 |
| Ukraine | |
| Venezuela | |
| TOTAL PASSENGERS | 1160 |
So far, the mood is excellent. I had fun at the show last night and today everyone had fun ashore in Monaco. ………this included two of our Entertainment staff Jamie and Lauren who went to St.Paul De Vance……….here are their photos
- The marina on the drive to St. Paul de Vence:
Jaime and Lauren posing in a very old alleyway!
The graveyard where Chagall the artist is buried:
The only picture of the ship we could get from the moving bus!
Some side streets of the 14th century village:
Today, I hosted what we call a first call plaque presentation. This is were people with medals on their chests and diamonds on their fingers sit and drink champagne and say nice things about having the Carnival Splendor in port. I then make a speech that no bugger understands as they all speak Italian or French then the Captain and dignitaries exchange plaques and we all hug.
I have one of these in every port…………so that means.
Barcelona, Lisbon, Le Havre (note to self: bring air freshener,) Dover, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Helsinki, Tallin, St. Petersburg and Warnemunde………..bugger.
Here then is the first wonderful guest comment received on the Carnival Splendor. I can’t tell you who the award goes to but she is indeed………..a worthy winner.
Owner: __________
Cabin: ____ Booking#: _______ Added-Changed: 07/02/08 – 07/03/08
_____ -Unhappy with Tour
[7/3/2008 5:39:03 PM EMAK]
Mrs. ________ came to the Purser’s Desk and reported to Purser that she wanted to speak to someone about the tour she took today. Mrs. ________ said that she was upset because she had been told by the person on stage that the tour would take her to Monte Carlo and Morocco and they only did the Monte Carlo part of the tour.
Purser apologized and explained that the tour did not go to Morocco but to Monaco. Guest told Purser that this was misleading and she wanted a refund for not going to Morocco. Information passed to Shore Excursion Manager and Cruise Director who will talk to guest.
Ahhh yes……..the Monte Carlo and Morocco tour …..easily done if you replace the Volvo coach with a Boeing 747.
I called the guest and explained that Morocco was hundreds of miles away and in a different continent and time zone but she insisted I had said Morocco during my presentation. I then realized that this was going to be a no win situation and I apologized for not being clear and we will send her a little gift tonight at dinner.
Before I hung up I asked her what she was doing in Barcelona tomorrow and she said …….. Barcelona…….I thought we were going to St. Petersburg?
How the heck did this lady get to Italy?
It’s been difficult going straight from day one into two port days. Tonight we have the show Vroom with the cast so I will not have any stage time. I feel a little disconnected from the guests and we are experiencing problems with the TV system now and the welcome aboard show has not been playing today which I have to admit makes me a little mad. It’s nobody’s fault……..well…….I guess its someone’s but I know people are working hard to fix it………I just don’t like not having that medium available to guests………….hopefully it will be working soon.
I am going to admit that the last few days I have been a bit…….well………………grumpy. I guess it’s because I want and demand everything to be perfect ……..not for me but for the guests. Most of what we are offering is but the little things ……….well………….to me they are big things and I guess I think they should have been tested and checked before we took guests onboard. However, I look at the smiling faces as I walk around and realize that mostly…………it’s just me.
Well today………..I refuse to be grumpy. The TV system may be showing my travel talk with no sound but as I write, the sky is a vivid blue and the sun is glistening through my window.
My blog is still the most read in the industry, people laughed at the show last night and I am married to a beautiful woman.
In fact, I’m so cheerful I would like to wish even the world’s most lunatic environmentalists a nice day. I’d extend that also to the Health and Safety Executive, the woman who threw an egg at my car last year, the passenger who called me “the sperm of the devil,” all politicians, and yes………even the French.
Not RCI, though………..a blogger who is onboard here this cruise told me that a few months a go the Cruise Director of the Something of the Seas had called Carnival “a cruise line that carried the same sort of people you would meet in a everything is a dollar store “…………….so, my good mood does not extend to him…………he can bugger off and I hope he gets a massive boil on his arse.
Goodnight
Your friends
John and Heidi
35 Comments
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Hi John, Thanks for the great photos. All things considered it sounds like most of your problems with the ship are minor. I bet most of the guests didn’t even notice the TV. They were out having a good time.
Enjoy.
Jo and Dave
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:34 pm
It is always wonderful reading what you write. It feels like I’m along for the ride.
Great videos from a previos blog. I always look forward to seeing the pictures from the ports of call.
Did you go shake the winning bidders hand for saving you?
Thanks to everyone for making your blog happen.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:40 pm
John, a lot can be said for not being the first ones to sail on a ship, by the time we cruise on the Splendor Nov 27th, any and all problems like no sound on the TV system will be worked out. Same goes for the Dream when we sail out of NY next Nov.
But secretly I envy everyone on the Splendor and Nov 27th seems years away.
Well it seems Mr Murphy sent his wife in his place? I hope this is the last you hear from her, but something makes me think not.
Carolyn
Hi Heidi, hope you are enjoying the new ship.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
“china – 4 passengers”
dude, is there mahjong aboard? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
My husband and I will be sailing the Splendor on 9/11/2008. We have made reservations for Cannes. BUT now that I know the Monte Carlo and Morocco tour is on the schedule, I wish to cancel my excursion and book the the Monte Carlo and Morocco tour. Cost is no concern.
I am loving your blog on this first cruise on the Splendor, I can not wait to see this beautiful ship. Thank you John, it is going to be a trip of a lifetime for my husband and I. Keep smiling.
Please do not forget to change my reservations to the Monte Carlo and Morocco tour. That is a do not miss excursion.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
You’re back. And so are some of your “interesting” pax…like the lady who’s convinced you’re getting to Morocco on a 6-hour tour…and that the “Splendor” is going to make it to St. Petersburg in less than a day.
For your “RCI buddy”, you might want to note the largest sales gain at the “99 Cent Store” chain takes place in the California city of Beverly Hills. The home of movie stars/million dollar mansions.
Goodness,I guess this Carnival cruiser has “more expensive taste” than he thought…
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:24 pm
It’s great to have you aboard again with guests behaving as guests will. I loved the 3 children on stage with you (the videos are great…I always enjoy them!). Monaco looks great…pictures are fabulous! too bad the tour wasn’t long enough to go to Morocco too! Great blogs.
Gloria
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:34 pm
5 puertorricans? I wish it could be me
Yes John, the correct attitude it’s to see all that you have and not the little things that you don’t have and you are blessed at least with was it’s more important. Are you telling me that the indoor music system is not working well? After so many days making you miserable it’s not working ? HA! Don’t send the Morocco lady a gift just show her the rerun of the presentation were you said it. We were asking ourselves why the waterworks was not open. We been seeing Zydeco cruisers pics of everything. They are great.
Nanni
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:48 pm
John,
Great video with the 3 kids. Your a natural with them. Must be your state of mind. Keep up the good work.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Dear John The auction is one time it was a good thing you didn’t have the old Raspberry in the nether regions.That could have proved very enbarassing.I.m sure things were real tight as you squirmed in your seat.As for people who criticize the Carnival Lines .Carnival made its reputation as the Fun Ships and thats what holidays are all about. Having fun on holiday. Letting ones hair down and forgetting the day to day activities at home. Bless all the people who help us forget these mundane duties. Albeit just for a few days. Best wishes Gary and Bug
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Hi John,
Please book us on the Morocco tour ASAP. We’d like to do that right after St. Petersburg (and I thought I was directionally challenged…)
Loved the video, you look great.
Steph Martin
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
John on stage with guests great stuff i needed that today after the funeral it was great thanks.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Sign me up for the morroco excursion. It should only be an hour or so from St. Petersburg.
Keep up the good work John — we love you.
Mary Lou
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Dear John: Just like old times. It’s good to have you back again. Can’t wait til we cruise on the Splendor in January.
Take care, my best to Heidi
Regards,
Terry
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
John:
You are a hoot!!! Thanks again for a great laugh.
Guess the engineers should have been testing the TV system instead of the intercom with their Italian music. Next time make sure they show their favorite Italian movies for 12 straight days!!
Don’t worry about the Wreck of the Seas…they are still jealous that they lost the Cunard/Princess purchase.
Guess Carnival’s little ole’ “dollar store” showed them who was boss!!!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ~just back from watching the city fireworks for an early July 4th display)
July 4th, 2008 at 2:42 am
Ahhh yes, the famous Monte Carlo and Morocco tour! Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that one also go to the Pyramids at Giza, Machu Pichu, and the Great Wall of China?
Actually John, this is probably Karma. While you were busy failing your math classes, this lady was failing her geography classes. Oh well, give her one of those magic medals and tell her she will find her refund under her pillow in the morning.
Tell Heidi she is doing a great job as your videographer!
July 4th, 2008 at 3:09 am
John that video with the 3 children was so cute. My daughter Becky even enjoyed watching it with me, even though it took us about a half hour to view ( still have dial up. I know can you believe it??!) It seems like everthing is going smashingly for the Splendor maiden voyage. Does Splendor still have that New Ship smell???
Awww come on now, don’t be grumpy now, John…WE all love ya, and wish we were all together right now on the Splendor. That would be some Deck Party!!!
SusieQfromNarrowsburg
July 4th, 2008 at 5:54 am
Jaime & Lauren, thank you for your photos, I love the one of the Splendor dwarfing the very posh yachts and looking very Splendid indeed.
John thank you for the update on how the ship is shaking down, after experiencing a couple of ship launches and dry docks myself its good to hear its not the plumbing or the AC thats not functioning.
Please keep the passenger comments coming……they are priceless
July 4th, 2008 at 7:58 am
John, Now I really want to go on a cruise again. The photos brought back such good memories. But, Gee, I’m sorry we missed the Morroco tour!
July 4th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Hi John,
Sure am enjoying your stories. Didn’t take long for the complaints to start, did it? Guess that’s one of the down sides of being a cruise director.
I agree, on the video you are a natural with the kids. You’re all ready for a little John Jr. or little Heidi.
By the way, have you looked into having Marcus Anthony for the transatlantic? You previously said you would investigate the possibility.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:07 am
There are always items that need tweaking on a new ship. I hope folks aren’t complaining too much. Our Eurodam tickets arrived yesterday…yaayyyy! It’ll be a month old and PERFECT by the time we get onboard!!!
Hugs to you and Heidi…and big thanks to Stephanie for the great job she does.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:27 am
John, Personally I think there is nothing wrong with a little corporate jabbing at their competitors. You’re lucky “______” of the Seas is much easier to work with….so you have the upper hand. I usually chuckle at the back and forth jibes. However, when RCL goes beyond that and starts to question the merits of the guests who travel on other cruise lines, that goes a little too far. I’ve always been open minded and willing to give anyone a chance at my business – but now that I know what they think of me, I just crossed RCL off my list
July 4th, 2008 at 11:03 am
John,
It has been so good to see you on the video!!! It brings back such wonderful memories.
It must be very hard to keep everyone happy, but that is only an illusion because of all the different personalities.
I think you handle everything wonderfully!! I have never been dissapointed on any cruise with Carnival and look forward to seeing you and Heidi on the Bloger’s cruise in Feb.
I think Heidi has the cuteist laugh!! You are a lucky man.
Ciao, Kathleen
July 4th, 2008 at 11:17 am
John – I had forgotten how much I loved the passenger “comments”. I don’t know how you all do that day in and day out…you have the patience of a saint (don’t let that go to his head Heidi
)
Please reply: Does the Splendor have the “book your next cruise while onboard” program?
Dawn (who in one week will be leaving on a jet plane for London for her Splendorific adventure)
July 4th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Hi, John and Heidi!
Monaco is still as beautiful as when I was there. Wish I were onboard Splendor. Great videos and pictures you have been sending us.
About the “dollar store” comment, as mentioned by Jim (above) rich people frequently shop at inexpensive places so they can stay rich while getting what they need.
Sounds like you’re having a great “shakedown” cruise. Glad you’ll have the bugs out by the time Splendor reaches the States.
Bon Voyage!
Your Pal, Myra
July 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Oh John, you are so funny. I could just picture those kids hitting at 50 mph from the slide–yikes! I believe the lady wanting to go to Morocco was on the wrong ship! Great photos..Monte Carlo is such a beautiful place and I never tire of seeing photos from there. You finished up with the right attitude–just enjoy the scenery! As for the RCL CD not even worthy of a response!
July 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Rats – I lost the first complaint contest.
Loved the videos, btw.
Somissingtheinitialcruiseofthecarnivalsplendor
July 4th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
John…
Maybe we can have an auction before the Blogger’s Krewes… I’ll bet we could get the bloggers to come up with items and all the money go to the charity!!! And, we could let you bid $5000 again… I’m sure someone would save you!!! I was an auctioneer, and have done many charity auctions… I must say, I might not have let you off so easily… When I was raising money for a charity, I was ruthless…
But, I can show mercy if someone is in over his head… The passion of an auction is momentum!!! And begging for more because it’s for the good and growth of the charity!!
Monte Carlo… The views and photos are wonderful!!
Your Morocco lady… Please tell us any more of her antics… I can’t believe she’s finished with you…
Happy Fourth of July!!!
God Bless and Happy Birthday America!!!
Lambie
July 4th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
John,
Morocco!!!!!!thanks for the laugh.
Only on board for 3 days–but can’t wait.
Diane
July 6th, 2008 at 5:21 am
John,
I loved the picture of the Splendor! I am going to keep it etched in my mind until I see the real thing! Loved the comment from the passenger! Yeah, you really have to wonder about some of these passengers! Oh well, that is what makes life so interesting!
Oh, quick question. Could you please refresh my memory about the itinary of the Dream? We are looking at possibly returning to the Caribbean for our cruise after the Splendor. When is it scheduled to begin its voyages? Where will it go?
See you soon!
Ruth
July 6th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Good to hear you’re amazing believe it or not comments again John; see you in a week.
July 6th, 2008 at 10:29 am
John,
I’m guessing that lady expects that the Splendor has warp speed to be in St. Petersburg the next day… and so the guest comments begin……
Love the videos and photos, along with the stories! Keep them coming. Hope everything’s running smooth now!
Alex G.
July 7th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Hi John/Heidi:
Great hearing from you and i hope all is well.
Great pictures today. I love the pictures of the yachts just hanging out in the bay.
The Odyseey is one of the largest and most expensive yachts in the world ( i believe owned by Paul Allen). It’s simply amazing.
Good luck on getting the bugs fixed.
Thanks for posting,
David
August 28th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Dear John,
Me and my parents were on the Carnival Splendor from the 2nd July till the 10th July.. For me it was my first time cruising and my first holiday with my parents ( as I usally take holidays with friends) so it was a bit challaging… but it was amazing… everting was perfect, the ports were amazing and the Splendor is a real splendor as it name ( the food, the rooms, the entermaintent, the cleaniness… everting was perfect). I am proud to say that we were the first 5 maltese pepole on this ship.. Maybe on day Splendor will arrive in Valletta.
I would defintly choose and recomend Carnival for cruising and I am looking foward for the Carnival Dreamer.
Hope you are enyoing Europe ( at least we do not have hurricanes here
) ( i was joking)
Regards
Graziella from the beutifiul island of Malta
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
hey john.
I am very disapointed.. you did not mentioned my country Malta.. we were only 5 pepole on this ship
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