Good Morning ……it’s 6:08 am and as I look out of my window I see the white cliffs of Dover, a ferry returning from Calais, France and standing on the pier are at least 50 people ……..and they are all knitting…………..or as some people call it………..fishing.
As I look out at these men and yes….they are all men……I wonder if they don’t like their wives any more and would rather spend six hours playing with maggots standing in the pouring rain. And I wonder why they just don’t go to the supermarket and just buy a fish.
I once had a go at knitting myself. Me and my friend Carl Buck decided it would be fun. The first thing after we bought our rods was to get some bait.
The man in the shop said that the best way to catch fish where I live is to use feathers. Righty-ho. So I should shoot a seagull and use its plumage to catch the fish? Great. And wrong. Feathers, actually, are little strips of tinfoil, each of which hides a hook.
So I bought a packet, tied them to the line and flicked them into the sea. Where they became attached to bits of rock and seaweed. I would pull and tug and yank until the line broke, so then I went back to the shop and bought some more.
Soon this became a routine. Get up. Go to bait shop. Buy feathers. Throw them into the sea. Lose them. Go back to the bait shop. Eventually, however, I met a man with a beard who said I’d be better off with live bait and a float.
This involves a lot of tying things to other things, but soon, I made my cast and watched as all the knots I’d tied came undone and everything just sank. Then I went back to the bait shop again.
Honestly, it would have been easier and cheaper to have thrown my wallet into the sea every morning. The shopkeeper said that in 30 years, he’d never known anyone lose so much equipment. And that was before the whole reel thingy came off on one vigorous cast and was lost as well. ………….bugger
This, then, was a typical day. Get up. Walk to sea. Undo knots. Come home…………..eat fish fingers from the supermarket.
Luckily, there were many local fishing experts in sandals and with beards on hand to explain what I was doing wrong, which apparently according the local beards was everything……….. Standing in the wrong place, making too much noise, casting incorrectly and wearing the wrong underpants
Eventually, one bloke told me to try spinners, which are shiny pieces of metal with hooks on the end. You toss them into the sea, reel them back, toss them into the sea, undo some knots, reel them back. And so on. Until you die.
Eventually after about 20 years standing in one place slowly getting frostbite surrounded by men with beards and smoking pipes I caught a fish.
I’m aware, of course, that most anglers free whatever they catch but this isn’t as easy as it may sound, technically or morally. Especially when the hook has gone right through the fish’s left eye.
It seemed wrong somehow to pull it out of the sea, blind it and then throw it back again. Life for a blind fish can’t be that easy.
So I hit it over the head and ate it with some chips.
So, debarkation has started and I have just returned from the gangway. It’s now 8:15 am and everyone seems to have a wonderful time and as I said my goodbyes there was a mixture of handshakes, hugs and one or two grumbles about the gangway yesterday in Amsterdam….but the smiles and hearty goodbyes tell me the cruise was a success. But as always I am still moody about yesterday in Amsterdam and the lines in St. Petersburg ……….and if I am honest I am probably thinking about this too much…………it’s just that I want everything to be perfect for the guests…………. all the time.
There are few people who are utterly contented with their life, their houses, their cars and the places they choose to go on vacation…………they are a rare breed indeed. Once, I thought I’d found the “perfect car.” I was driving through an beautiful part of the UK called Cornwall in my friends Ferrari 355…..you know, the one Magnum P.I. used to drive………….it was the most glorious summer evening, I remember saying to myself………..“I think I’m experiencing motoring perfection here.”
So I came home, got a bank loan and bought one and quickly found that actually it had seats that were as comfortable as sitting on a barb wire, my feet were too big to use the clutch without stepping on the accelerator and when I wanted to have it serviced it cost 1 billion dollars………I had bought a second hand Italian piece of mierde…………..and when I old it after just 6 months…………the car was valued at 3900 pounds less than I had paid for it……….bugger.
Perfect? ………….well I thought it was but it was nothing more than a rung in the ladder for the search of perfection.
I’m never quite content and I always feel I should have done more to make everyone’s cruise vacation ………well…………perfect. Heidi says I worry too much and always uses the same thing to remind me of this affliction.
You see, the view from the back of our house is wonderful………. Faultless in every way except that away off on the far distant horizon there’s an electricity pylon. And that’s all I see when I look out of the window. Everyone else sees the glorious countryside that makes Britain so beautiful…………..me…….. I see the pylon.
Oh well.
So, on with the day and time for a bio featuring a man whose responsibility is vast. The position of Chief Engineer is as equal to that of the Captain however while often the Captain is up front and at the center of attention the Chief Engineer is often working down in the depths of the engine room and therefore they are often the unsung heroes on any vessel.
Here is our very talented Chief Engineer whose talents I am proud to trumpet. We have been friends for years and I have watched through the ranks and here he is as Chief Engineer of the flagship. We have lots in common and maybe things we don’t agree with as you will see from his answer to who he would most like to meet in the world …………….so ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pride to welcome our Chief Tony.
NAME Antonio Colotti
DEPARTMENT AND POSITION Chief Engineer, Engine Department
HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED FOR CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES
23 years. First sign-on on TSS FESTIVALE on July 27th 1985
WHAT DOES YOUR JOB INVOLVE
When our guests make me this question I use to answer that me and my department are in charge for ….everything which lights up, moves and makes noise on board a ship. It is a very simple explanation but really gives the idea….we are responsible for the maintenance and repair of 99% of the technical system of the ship, the only exception is the entertainment light and sound system where we share a 50/50 responsibility.
This includes Power Plant and Main Propulsion, Air Conditioning, Electrical Distribution, Sanitary system, Galley equipment, Spa, Pools and Safety system, etc..etc..
Beside all this, my job involves taking care of all the 72 members of the Engine department both on a professional and a personal level. All operational and private issues of each of them become my issues as well and I do my best to help to solve them. Only an happy and bonded department can achieve great results. Somebody said that a group is as strong as his weakest member and we always try to get stronger together.WHERE ARE YOU FROM
I am from LERICI, a small village on the North-West coast of Italy, in the Gulf of La Spezia, close to Genoa.
WHAT DO YOU ENJOY MOST ABOUT YOUR JOB
That every day is never like the one before. In the engineering field on board ships there is really a wide range of different issues to attend, things to learn and solutions to be found. Our minds are constantly stimulated to give a fast solution to the latest emergency
or problem, a little like in the E.R. of a busy Hospital.TELL US ABOUT YOUR FAMILY BACK HOME
I come from a huge family. My Grandmother had 4 sisters and 5 brothers, my mother has 4 sisters and 1 brother, you can imagine how many Uncles, Aunties and cousins I have.
I have only one brother and he is an Engineering Officer as well but he is smarter than me….. he quit ships 15 years ago.
I also have a beautiful wife and three kids, they are 15, 11 and… 2 months. Yes…I am back to handle dirty pampers and milk bottles and guess what….I love it.WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST ABOUT BEING IN YOUR HOME COUNTRY APART FROM FAMILY
Being a Seaman since ever, it makes a lot of sense that I miss mostly…..taking care of the land around my house. Yes, I am kind of tired of water and I love the peace and relaxation of a day spent working around trees and stone walls when the time is given by the sun position in the sky.
FAVORITE THINGS
MOVIE “BLADE RUNNER”, “BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S” (yes… I am
a romantic also)MUSIC All music, it really just depends on my mood. I think that
every occasion has the perfect music to go along.FOOD it is like to ask to a fish if he likes water….I love EVERY kind
of food but my best, best, best…is RAVIOLI, as my
Grandmother used to make them.IF YOU COULD MEET ANY FAMOUS PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD IT BE
Alive……Al Gore, I have a green soul and I was really impressed by his movie on the greenhouse effects.
Not alive….. My father. He was famous…at least among his family and
friends. I really would like to talk to him one more time…IF YOU HAD TO DO ANOTHER JOB ON THE SHIP WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO AND WHY
What a question….the CRUISE DIRECTOR, of course. To be able to say always what I really think, with a smile on my face and have everyone to laugh thinking that I am joking……
HERE ARE A FEW RANDOM PHOTOS
Ship’s Compass
White Cliffs of Dover
Dover Castle
Dover Castle
Port of Dover
Splendor Bridge
Map of the Port of Dover
Flags of all our ports of call on the bridge
Port entrance
Well, I just got back from my welcome aboard talk and we seem to have a nice mix of people ……………….lots of British, lots of Spanish speaking and a much older crowd than last cruise. The words “old people” and “cruises” used to be mentioned in the same sentence like eggs and bacon, Romeo and Juliet and the French and running away…………it was a stereotype that thanks to Ted Arison and his son Micky has once and for all been thrown where it belongs…………. in the trash can.
Yes, we still have older people onboard but these are a new generation of older people.
Old people are now a damn sight fitter than they used to be in the days of Glenn Miller and I Love Lucy. My Dad is 70 million years old but there’s not a hint of incontinence yet. He spends hours in the garden and when Mum lets him he will spend days on end in the “doghouse” which is his workshop were he will build world class furniture …………….. if I am as fit and as coherent as my role model father is than I will be one lucky man.
Elderly people, then, are no longer content with a hardboiled egg and a nice view of some trees. They want to get down to the local DIY superstore for paint and a large hammer. On cruises it’s the same thing………….the days of sitting on deck wrapped in a blanket, reading Jane Austin and sipping cups of warm coco before going to bed at 7 pm have been replaced.
Now, they are on deck, sunbathing………….some still wearing bikinis and g strings ………….. the Jane Austin book has been replaced by the Karma Sutra and no longer do they want to hear In the Mood but want to twist and shag to the sounds of the Beatles and Motown. Yep, cruising for seniors has come a long way and on brands like Carnival, Holland America, Costa, Princess, P&O and Seabourn, AIDA and Cunard we really do have something for everyone of retirement years and beyond.
Well, it’s now 6:18 pm and we are still here in Dover. We should have sailed an hour ago but there was an accident on the M25 which is known as the biggest parking lot in the UK………it’s supposed to be a freeway but after one accident everything comes to a stop and there is more movement in the bottom of a constipated Hippopotamus than on the M25.
So, we have 5 buses containing 40 guests on each plus a truck full of luggage ……………. so, here we sit, waiting for the traffic jam to be over and the guests to arrive. I hate traffic jams, not because its frustrating and often at the end of the jam you have no idea why it just took you three years to go seven miles but because you know that when you are in a jam you are always going to be stuck next to the man who will be poking deep into his nose. I have been in traffic jams in the UK, Italy and Hong Kong but the worst jam was on I-95 in Miami. The traffic did not crawl. It did not move at all. The only way you could match what it might be like to be stationary for so long is to be dead.
Anyway, the truck and the passengers arrived and by 7:35 pm we were underway. The Captain said he will do his best to get us into port in Copenhagen on time. I am sure the guests who were on the buses are very happy and thankful to the Captain for waiting as are the people whose luggage arrived on the truck. Unfortunately the ship then sailed right in the middle of the show……………………remember I put the show in between dinner seatings at 7:45 pm. This meant that many people didn’t come and instead went to see the ship leave………………bugger………………but who can blame them.
It was a good show and hopefully everyone will see it on the TV………….Heidi says not to worry and that I shouldn’t worry about this or the late departure …….but. While everyone else says everything is fine and their view is one of happy guests……….all I can see………….. is that bloody pylon.
Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi
Filed under: Europe, Tales from the Ship, Travel | Tagged: Carnival Splendor, Dover
Hello John,
My wife and I would like to thank you and your staff for making our cruise one of the most memorable trips. In a couple of months we would like to take you up on your generous offer regarding our next cruise. Give our regards to Heidi.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Best,
Stormin Norman and Laverne
Is the television system up to speed John? How wonderful! I know it was giving you fits to have it on the blink.
I am not a fisherman. Not that I haven’t gone fishing, I have, but I’ve never bothered to bait a hook or do much of anything after the line hit the water other than enjoy a brilliantly cold beer… THAT’S my idea of fishing!!
Good to hear that most of the passengers got over the problems in Amsterdam and St. Petersburg. I heard from one of your passengers from the previous sailing who was still very miffed over the excursion problem… and it was, of course, your fault. Such is life, my friend…
It seems as though many of the senior staff are gunning for a position as a cruise director!! Better watch you back, my friend!!
Here’ hoping for a perfectly wonderful cruise for all of your passengers!!!
Ciao for now!!
Host Mach
Dear John & Heidi,
See, you got a very favorable comment already. As you should get.
Have a great weekend,
Carol
Chief Antonio wants to meet Al Gore? I got a chuckle from that
dude! i was laughing so hard at your fishing tales! thanks for the chuckles today!
and of course everything is your fault! when you are on the top the buck stops there. don’t sweat it. it’ll all be fine in the end.
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
Dear John,
Antonio Colotti’s interview brought back memories as my wife and I had our honeymoon on the TSS Festivale in December of 85. Although I don’t think I could ever go back to a stateroom without a balcony (Fellow cigar smoker), I have fond memories of this ship with its jagged corridors and challenging layout. Rooms were much smaller back then, but always appeared to grow larger as the cruise progressed.
Enjoy the weekend!
John
Well the first is always the hardest, that is what they say anyway. I am sure things will smooth out as the week goes on. That goes to show how great Carnival is to wait for all those people when you think about it is not a great percentage of the people on board…Bravo Carnival.
Bye for now
John,
Don and I both fish. But I have never heard it referred to as knitting…….. knitting is done with 2 knitting needles and yarn. Maybe that is why you couldn’t catch fish. you needed a fishing rod, hooks and worms or minnows. I guess we need to invite you and Heidi to come to Tennessee and let Don take you fishing in our fishing boat. I’ll even let you use one of my rod and reels. Take that as a compliment. I don’t let just anyone use them………….grin Let us know when to expect you..
Okay John, as a rule it is me taking up for you. But seeing as you have said your father is 70 million years old, I guess I’m going to have to take up for him. Your Dad and Mum are just a few years younger than Don and I. I have a son and daughter and there is just a few years difference in their age and you and Suze. Now since you consider your father as being 70 million years old…………what does that make Don and I………… hmmmmmmmmmm Heidi, where is the doghouse? how about putting John in it for me and his Dad. We all expect an apology……..snicker
Carolyn…………the ancient cruiser?
PS………..Hi Heidi. and Hi to Suze, Hope her ankle is better. Sure would love to have a blog from both of them,
John:
DJ and David (hubby) went deep sea fishing a few months ago and the waves were so bad that the boat would slam down on the water and drench both sides of the boat.
David just knew DJ was going to get ill…because DJ does not take seasick meds.
David opens the cabin door to see DJ yelling “yee haa” like he is riding a horse…as all the adults are turning green!! It never phased DJ in the least…but there were a lot of ill feeling adults!!
So when someone mentions fishing…this is DJ’s new fish story!!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
I love the fishing (knitting?)story especially the part where you weren’t wearing the correct underpants which really made me laugh but may in fact be true since I don’t fish or knit, I can’t say.
OMG I can’t believe you and Antonio are friends when he wants to meet Al–geez. I’ll bet you two have some lively conversations.
Beautiful blue sea in the beautiful photos today and too bad the departure delay messed up your show again. They will all watch you on the tube in the cabin while dressing for dinner so don’t fret. Tomorrow they will see you and will soon be your fans like the rest of us!
“WHAT DOES YOUR JOB INVOLVE
When our guests make me this question I use to answer that me and my department are in charge for ….everything which lights up, moves and makes noise on board a ship.”
So – the Chief Engineer is in charge of John’s bottom?
Hi John,
Love your fishing stories – I have never been too hot at fishing, in fact the first fish I caught drowned on my line! I guess that I expected to feel a lot more tugging so didn’t know that it was there. I did once catch a trout on Lake Taupo here in New Zealand when nobody else in the boat caught any so that has been the highlight of my fishing career. I think that I should stick to singing, it is a lot more fun and I am better at it!!!
Good luck with the second cruise and hope that the St Petersburg and Amsterdam queues are shorter and quicker. Go on entertaining in your own inimitable style and nearly every guest will love you.
Cheers,
Joan
Forget fishing, John – take up golf.
Its more expensive and even more frustrating. I got thrown out of the hospital early today (my CEO said “go home for the weekend”), so I decided to go walk a few holes. I came darn close to throwing the clubs in with the fishies.
The funny thing is that, when I was on the Carnival Legend in January, I played Mahogany Run and shot a 93 with borrowed clubs.
Go figure.
BTW – I think you should give your interview guests a chance to do their “other job”. Let Antonio be Cruise Director for a while. Let Stefano navigate (OK, he already does, so fire him, then hire him). Tell the Captain that Alessandri is now in charge – on second thought, that might not work too well
BTW2 – when are you going to start answering comments again? I miss the chance to banter with you. What’s the matter, did you get your back hairs caught in a zipper, Dolly?
The blogger formerly known as missingthesmokefreeparadise.
PS – In the future, I wish to be addressed by my symbol – a no universal no smoking image scribbled over with a Marks-a-lot.
It’s very COOL to see a couple CARE so much !!
I’m sure you’ll work out the bugs quickly…that’s why they chose you two to bring out this ship !
BRAVO !!
Mark,Amanda and Catie
John,
All I can say is your first story smells awfully fishy if you ask me…lol.
You better watch your back because I do believe that maybe just maybe Antonio Colotti is after your job!..wonder how he would look in Dolly’s dress??
All you have to do is say I-95 and Miami and I’m having nightmares!
Hmmm….I believe you need a big dose of seeing the good in everything and not just the bad. Nobody is perfect, if you were perfect you would not be on this earth…how many more sayings can I write to make you stop worrying about what you can’t fix!
Princess Susan
TIME FOR A HEDI BLOG
Hi Stephanie!
Hi John and Heidi!
I too enjoyed your fishing tales and will offer if you make it to Ohio, come to our beautiful lake and our shop and we will get you all fixed up. The fish were biting like crazy tonight so we were very busy.
Glad all the pax and luggage made it before sailaway! Our best to you both…
Hi John,
Great to see the ship’s web cam is up and runing again. I hope the TV system is now working at 100%.
The next cruise after this will be ours and we simply cannot wait. I would liek to know why is is that the ship changes its route since our cruise will be starting with 2 days at sea before entering Warnemunde and then Tallin.
Looking forweard to your blogs on this cruise to really get us going for our cruise.
Cheers mate and keep up the sterling work
Norman from sunny Malta
Hi John! My mother and I just got home from the Inaugural sailing of the Splendor and we had a wonderful time! We visited every port with the exception of Amsterdam, because I made a mistake and had the departure time wrong for the diamond factory tour (no refund either). Anyway, the cruise was fantastic and the ship is fabulous. I enjoyed your morning show as always and can’t wait to do another cruise with Carnival. Tell Heidi “hello” and we’ll be seeing you soon.
Love, Sheila
Hello John,
We are in Brussels today and it is raining so I had to do a quick read of the blog.
Just to let you know we had a great cruise and met many wonderful people. We’re in a great hotel but we have to buy our own food. What a change from the ship where there is food everywhere – and for free too!
We’ll be home by the end of the week so have to go now.
Say Hi to Heidi for us. Sorry we didnt’ see you again before the cruise ended.
Thanks again for everything.
George and Linda
John why are there flags of the ports of call? Do they get changed everytime the ship goes to another port?
Hi John,
I really don’t think the fish care what color underwear you wear, unless of course you wear them on the outside of your clothes. I used to fish when I was a kid, but when I got big enough to bait my own hook….. I decided it was time to give it up. It’s much easier to go to the grocery store and buy the fish already cleaned and ready to fry!
So… when are we going to hear from the beautiful Heidi and your wonderful sister, Sue Drip? It’s been a while!
Hello John
I was introduced to your blog recently and have read your account of your cruise with great delight. Your account of t.he aftermath of the beetroot salad was a masterpiece of humorous writing
We’ve never crusied with Carnival though have with Princess and are booked on Aurora later this year.
I can only hope the Cruise Director on Aurora is half as good as you as we’ll be in for a great cruise.
I’m now hooked and will be regularly tuning in for your daily update.
David
Hi John – Jane and I have made it back to Boston and we both want to thank you for a wonderful cruise! My brain is still in overload from all the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen and learned. Spectacular, spectacular doesn’t begin to decribe it…
Amsterdam was a bit of a mess but I know no one near us in line was blaming Carnival for it…we all blamed the 2 pokey customs agents. The upside was getting to hear about everyone’s excursions that day and meeting more new friends
Have a great summer and hopefully we’ll cruise with you again soon.
Dawn
As the saying goes,
Give a man a fish and you’ve fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
Cheers!
Prefdavid…If you haven’t cruised Carnival, you haven’t cruised. If you haven’t cruised with John as the cruise director, you have definitely missed the most fun you can ever dream of having on a cruise ship.
I hope you can cruise out of New Orleans because it’s not too late to sign up for the bloggers cruise next Feb. You need to join all of us bloggers along with John and Heidi.
Carolyn……….. Member of Big Ed’s Evil Krewe
and John Heald’s fan club
HI John/Heidi:
Been a while since i’ve had a chance to read the blog since i’ve been out of town on biz.
Nice that you guys stayed around waiting for the passengers.
Great interview and pictures from Dover.
Thanks for posting.
Take care,
David
Hello Everyone! Can’t wait 40 Days till we fly into Gatwick for our Western Eurpoean Cruise on the Splendor. We are really good friends and wanted to share this adventure together & “Hold On Tight To Our Dreams”. What a way to see so many magnificant ports of call on one of Carnival’s newest ships. Looking forward to meeting others traveling the highways, byways, and waterways of Europe. As they say “Were Not In Kansas Anymore ToTo” See you on board!!!!
Great interview and pictures from Dover.
Thanks for posting.
Take care,
Kay & Kat