In 1994 I was a Cruise Director aboard the Carnival Sensation. That year was memorable for two reasons………….I was dumped by my fiancé at the time who left me for a long-haired drummer……………….and………….I met David Bright.
We became great friends…………….I mean David and I became great friends not me and the home-breaking ugly sod of a drummer who looked like he had a small family of mice living in his hair.
Let me tell you about David Bright. I met David as I said on the Sensation. He was a guest speaker for a large group of 1,000-plus people who were sailing from all over the world as part of the Crime Stoppers group. This dedicated group of people had gathered to share ways of bringing crime down around the world. One guest speaker was David. He was a senior detective from the UK and someone whose captivating stories from the podium were totally engaging. So, afterwards we had a chat and if you need evidence that it is indeed a small world, listen to this.
David was from my hometown. He knew my father …….not because he had been arrested by David I might add but because he was a teacher at his son’s school and there we were cruising round the Caribbean together.
So, of course we became friends and kept in contact through the years. David is a very humble man and will never tell you that he is one of the U.K’s most senior and most decorated police officers. He has solved many of the highest profile murder cases and solved many of the UK’s most serious crime.
There are a lot of bad people who are as we speak spending their lives behind bars because of David. He was recently given the M.B.E. by the Queen. The M.B.E. stands for Member of the British Empire and is a very prestigious and high honor.
David recently retired and now runs a successful private detective agency which has him traveling all over the world. He is a successful author with his book Catching Monsters become an instant best seller. He is also a police advisor on many BBC dramas which I am sure you will have seen on BBC America. He is also a gifted public speaker and a regular on P&O cruises.
This week David is on vacation here on the Carnival Splendor. However, after lots of coaxing and lots of free wine David said he would donate his time and host a lecture this afternoon. …………..and so he did………….and 400 plus people listened spellbound as I had in 1994 to his stories of crime and punishment. He held a Q & A session afterwards and received a standing ovation. Again, he was not paid to do this but it certainly was a huge asset to the sea day program.
And that has taught me that on longer cruises we should be doing things like this. Lectures on a sea day are probably the way to go and I am now convinced we should be doing this on a regular basis. I am going to ask for David again and also ask for others to come and lecture on subjects like, finance, photography and true-life heroism ……………….what do you think?
Anyway, my thanks to David and here are some photos of he and I from this afternoon.
Here are a few letters from today’s “In Their Own Words Section”
Sorry today’s blog will be a little shorter than usual but it’s been beyond hectic with lots of shows and activities and meetings. I just replied to dozens of people asking if the itinerary change I mentioned for this coming cruise will be the same for the remainder of the season. Let me just say that this cruise (August 6) is the only cruise where we change our Baltic run. Please keep the comments coming and I promise to answer each and every one of them.
I made a reference yesterday to some of today’s huge yachts being bigger than the cruise ships that were built in the 1980’s. Well, most of those Uba Yachts are currently moored in the most bonkers town in the world………… St. Tropez.
When I was last there I had never seen so much expensive hair in all my life. The Russians have more oil in their hair than you’d find in a Kazakhstan well. And their wives are as orange as …well………an orange. But mostly, the whole place is crammed with people so bewitchingly beautiful that when I was there people stopped and stared at me……..an ugly person, in St. Tropez…………quick, lock up your daughters…
I remember when the Carnival Splendor called at nearby Monte Carlo for the first time a few weeks ago. The ship was full of dignitaries for the “first call party” ………….and wow………the names………… One chap introduced me to his companion and I’d nearly died of old age by the time he’d finished. “This is Princess di Contessa, de Le Pew, de Baroness de Luxembourg, Principessa de St.Stropez, Baroness of all . . . it went on for about a week. Until he said, “And this is John Heald”…………..it was though he had discovered some dog poo on his shoe.
Heidi loves the French Riviera and particularly St. Tropez because of the shopping. Mind you, if you set foot in any of the St. Tropez shops, you are made to feel smaller still because it is immediately apparent you are not Donald Trump, which means it’s immediately apparent you cannot afford to buy a single thing they have on offer. It’s all Herpès and Goochi and Versacke……….where anyone in St.Tropez buys essentials like toilet paper and hemorrhoid cream, God only knows.
Of course, you can buy a watch. Some even cost as little as $75,000. Mostly, though, they are much more than that because they all have 16 dials, a Swiss midget in the back winding all the cogs, an entire diamond mind in the bezel, a device that summons an Delta Force extraction team if you get kidnapped by pirates and a button that can tell you the phase of the moon and when Jupiter is passing Uranus……….of course wearing a watch like this makes you look like one of the planets I just mentioned ……and its not Jupiter.
We used to call this sort of thing the “millionaire lifestyle” but I suspect that to live a yacht filled life moored off St. Tropez in the summer and St. Kitts in the winter you probably need more than a million in the bank,……………….in fact…………I would suggest that you would need more numbers in your bank balance than you have in your account number. I would imagine though that this sort of lifestyle comes with the baggage of attending dozens of charity auctions where you will be expected to be the first person to stick there hand up to buy the signed pair of Richard Simmons underpants.
The strangest thing happened to me last night…………..a guest kissed me ……….. nothing unusual about that………….except the guests name was Albert.
I was standing at the back of the theatre innocently watching the Vroom Show when Albert came to stand next to me. He wanted a chat so we walked out into the lobby. He introduced himself as someone I had helped earlier in the cruise. Albert’s wife had been upset because their luggage had been lost by the airline and not only did they not have clothes but also some essential creams and shampoos.
She could not use the ones we sold onboard or that were part of the complimentary amenity kits in the cabin as she had sensitive skin etc. Anyway, they had written to me and Heidi and one of the dancers had given her some of their own, plus, I had managed to find another guest who had the same camera as they did and they loaned them their battery charger as well……………….anyway, they were very happy and thankful. So, as Albert finished saying how wonderful we had all been he shook my hand and then leaned forward……………and kissed me on the cheek. I had two choices here………….say thank you for the kiss and walk away……….or invite him back to my cabin…………………I said thank you and walked away.
I didn’t know what to think or how to feel.
Most men have pretty much finished making all the important decisions about the running and management of their lives by the time they’re 25. Women on the other hand are as changeable as the weather. One day their favorite singer’s Harry Connick Jr, the next it’s Pee Diddly.
Men just don’t do that. A chap’s favorite singer is Bruce Springsteen. Drunk and tearfully he told his mates that Bruce would be his man forever and to change his mind would be wrong. His favorite film will always be The Godfather …………where as a lady’s favorite will be the latest chick flick thingy that has hit the screens.
But then, occasionally, something new, something unplanned, comes along and upsets all the pieces on the board. Something like kissing. Men kissing other men. This seems to be something that has become more common all over the world.
For most blokes this is a no-brainer — we don’t kiss other men. We kiss girls, our mums, some dogs and occasionally double-page spreads in magazines. The last bloke most men kissed was their father and that stopped when they went to big school.
However, ever eager to help I have done some research on this today and here then, is my guide to men kissing other men.
The French: Frenchmen kiss. The French kiss (as opposed to “the french kiss”) is where one party, usually known as mon general, grasps the other party, aka mon brave, by the shoulders and kisses him on each cheek, after which you either get a medal or are shot for running away from battle..
Arabs kiss four times on one side, eight on the other. Italians kiss when someone’s about to be whacked
Drunks: drunk men kiss because they really, really, really love you. You’re their best mate in the whole world including the universe.
If you’ve decided you do fancy trying fraternal, same-sex kissing but are nervous, imagine your best male friend who hasn’t had a shave in a few days and then lightly kiss the outside of a coconut……or….do what many men do…. and just shake hands.
Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi
Filed under: Destinations, Europe, Tales from the Ship, Travel | Tagged: Carnival Splendor, Monte Carlo
John, you look like you are slimming down……..lost a few pounds? (I’m not speaking of money either
)
I would have loved to have been there for David Bright’s lecture. I would have been fascinated. Having retired from the police dept after 21 years of service and having other members of my family that worked for the police force, I love to read/watch detective stories., even though I didn’t work in that dept. I did chase down an escapee from prison who had just held up a store downtown. I wasn’t armed so I let some of my police buddies take him off the bus after I stopped the bus and told them where he was.
Carolyn
I would love to see lectures on board Carnival ships, much as Cunard has them. Author’s, scientists and an occasional clown would make for wonderful mental fodder!!! Excellent idea, John!!
Kissing other men… no… no thanks… I would FAR rather give or receive a firm handshake than impersonate a Frenchman by kissing another man on the cheek… or anywhere else.
How is our friend, Pete, enjoying the cruise? I hope he’s having the time of his life.
Howdies to the lovely Heidi and howdies and thanks to our MOB… Stephanie!!
Ciao!!!
Host Mach
I love the idea of lectures! When I was younger I cruised on Carnival all the time because after all, they are the “fun ships”. As I have matured I still love fun, but a little enrichment doesn’t hurt either. I feel Carnival Cruise Lines is a little behind in this respect. I’ve sailed on most of your sister brands (plus your competitors) and they almost all offer lecturers onboard. Cunard probably has the best lecture program at sea. They are such a wonderful way to spend an afternoon at sea, especially if the weather outside is not so great. Of course I don’t expect Carnival to be Cunard, but at the very least you should offer enrichment lectures on your longer cruises and especially on the transatlantic repositioning crossings. Cunard even lists what lecturers will be featured onboard any particular sailing, and believe me there are plenty of people that book just because of some of the lectures being offered.
As you know, cruises today appeal to such a wide range of people. Even the “fun ships” are nothing like they were 25 years ago (yes I remember the beer drinking contests and jousting over the pool). Carnival has become more sophisticated and appeals to a much broader range of ages and backgrounds.
All this is a long way of saying the lectures would be appreciated!
Ernie
Hi JOhn/Heidi:
I really enjoyed the blog today and would have loved to attend David’s lecture. I bet it was really interesting.
I agree that lectures would be great on sea days. I think we could learn alot from those who are onboard.
Thanks again for antoher good blog and looking forward to hearing more.
I’ll be thinking of yachts and orange bronze tans from St. Tropez.
Take care,
David
Hi, John,
I thought the David Bright name (and story) seemed familiar so I did a search and sure enough on Wednesday, May 14, 2007, there it was! You mentioned a “freebie” by David on (I think) the Carnival Triumph. Now, the gentleman sails with you again and does another. Sooo, are you paying him yet for his impromptu seminars, or is he doing this because he enjoys it?
And, speaking of rich people, don’t you think maybe they get more bored than the rest of us? I mean, after you’ve seen it all, bought it all, done it all and “been” it all, what’s left? Go around snarling (a la your nemesis Howie Mandel) at people and telling them how important one is perhaps. I like going to “fancy” places and find the glamor exciting. But really, who needs that all the time???
You really need to be careful, John. If men are kissing you now, there’s no telling what may come next. (Also, Alan may be jealous if he hears about this!)
Oh, did you hear that Morgan Freeman (the actor) was injured in a car accident Sunday evening? Apparently his car rolled several times and his arm and shoulder were broken, but he’s doing okay. I like him. He’s a fine, fine actor.
Okay, gotta quit now. Cheerio!
Your Pal, Myra
Oops, that was 2008, not 2007.
Myra
Dear John,
Excellent blog thingy today mate! And I would love to have David Bright (or a U.S. counterpart) give a talk on the Miracle or Dream.
And yes, you do look svelte.
When you mentioned men kissing, the first thing that came to mind was Inspector Clouseau. So au revoir mon brave, bon nuit
Carol
John:
One of my “if I had it to do all over again” careers would be a private investigator. A friend of mine was one in Shreveport, La. years ago until he retired. He looked just like Cannon (old TV detective show).
The downside was he had been shot at more times my husbands, who had just been “caught”, than anyone else!!
I found this quote from Al Gore that I thought you would like. (this is an exact quote…no kidding)
‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
– Al Gore, Vice President
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
dude! i would LOVE lectures on sea days… just sayin’.
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
I would love to hear David speak! How lucky were those passengers? Perhaps you could (Carnival) give him a free South America cruise this February?
OMG, you are so funny. Kissing a two page magazine photo huh? I’m glad you decided to shake his hand and not invite him back to your cabin–I’m sure Heidi was glad as well.
Hi John, Yes I would love lectures on board. We have been on cruises to Alaska that had experts on the local culture and wildlife. They even had native dancers on board. One of my favorites was when we were going thru the Panama Canal some San Blas indians came on board and sold the molas they had made. I have a beautiful one under glass on my diningroom table with a photo of the woman who made it selling it to me. Priceless memories.
Jo
John,
You are looking GOOD!! Keep up the Great Work and I continue to love your Blogs rather they are short or long!!
Thank-You
Kathy
Hi John: If you are looking for people to entertain the audiences with stories of their lives, I ask you to get Barry Manilow for the Splendor 11/21-11/29 cruise! I would LOVE to see him again in person! I guess you can tell I LOVE his music! So, STOP making fun of him, ok? HA! HA! It is August John, so where is your schedule for the rest of the year? Please post it ASAP! Thanks! Linda
John -
I seem to recall your being a bit dumbstruck when I kissed you (actually, the kiss was for Alan, you were merely the courier) at the Blogger’s get together on the Carnival Freedom.
What is wrong with a man kissing another man? I mean, its not like I am trying to get an X rating to the action. Men can certainly hug and I personally see no problem with a man giving another man a kiss.
Personally, it seems to me like you need to get in touch with your feminine side.
XXXOOO
Jon
Hi John… and fellow bloggers.
Since I returned from the transatlantic sailing on Freedom in May I’ve been away from the blog (and most everything cruise related, including CruiseMates) dealing with health issues with both my elderly parents.- blessed to still have them with us, but it has been difficult of late.
Sorry I missed Stephanie’s birthday.. so a belated Hoppy Brisday to Stephanie!
I have a cruise coming up soon, then of course the Blog2Nola cruise, so thought I’d best get back into the “cruise spirit”.
Fitting that I read today’s blog about lecturers… On the Miami to Rome sailing, and on any longer cruises, so no doubt it would apply to the European and Baltic sailings… the ships do draw an atypical passenger for Carnival — an older crowd, not necessarily into the “fun ship mentality”. Therefore, on those sailing I have no doubt lecture series and seminars would be a popular winner.
I know those sorts of activities on the schedule would have reduce alot of the whining we heard during the crossing.
Now that I’m back “at it” I’ll certainly be joining in again, and looking for new exciting info on the Feb. Fantasy Bloggers 2 cruise. Come on… spill the beans, instead of getting gas from them :0
Regards,
Kuki
CruiseMates.com
Now that Carnival is doing longer cruises with more sea days, I think that more enrichment lectures on such cruises would be great.
Carolyn and Don and all the others who are thanking the soldiers for all they do by adopting them.
My daughter is a 2nd grade teacher and her class last year adopted a soldier. It gives the children an opportunity to practice writing and they love to get the letters back from the soldiers.
So any teachers out there? Think about it. Soldiers are SPECIAL pen pals.
And again Thank You.
CarolAnn
Dear John I love the idea of seminars on board.I can imagine David had some very exciting stories to tell.After dealing with the dregs of society I’m sure he enjoys the beauty of the sea and the wondrous ships of Carnival.A job well done by him.
As for men giving men kisses I’ll leave that to the French.Its more to there liking.I believe a good hand shake should suffice in most situations.At best maybe a hug of support only in the the most special situations. Best wishes to all. Gary and Bug
Hi John!
I am entering a blog marathon and I have tissues, and more tissues, at the ready. I have MISSED you guys!!! I will go back and start at the beginning of last week now but wanted to tell you I have MISSED you guys so much!!
Love the idea of lectures and guest speakers!! Bring it on!!
Love to you all!
Eva
John, always good to read your blog!
Yes – I agree that lectures on Sea Days are a good idea! Personally, I’m more of the “learn something” type than I am anything else, and if the seminar/lecture sounds interesting enough I’ll be there! Other cruise lines within the Carnival Corporation have instituted this, and have had great success with it. It won’t be right for EVERY passenger, but it would certainly work for many.
John,
Does Hedi know you are being kissed by other men? Did it land you in the doghouse?
I must agree with Countess Carolyn (her new evil krewe title) about how you look like you are slimming down! Maybe that’s why men are kissing you now. lol.
I think lectures would be a good idea! I would enjoy them.
Mr. Wonderful (not cheap anymore) booked us a Carnival cruise in Oct. and the B2B with the bloggers cruise so I will have my 10th cruise on the back part of the bloggers cruise. He did this for our anniversary which is Valentine’s day, which we will be on the cruise! Should I still call him Mr. Cheap?
Where are you hiding our beautiful Hedi?
Princess Susan
hi Stephanie
John – I really like the idea of a lecturer on the cruise, especially longer ones with more sea days. There are only so many trivia contests and horse races you can do. I would love to hear a true authority speak on almost anything. We had a few great lectures in Alaska which we enjoyed immensely.
Also, you might wait until you have your son before deciding when to stop kissing. Ours are in their 30’s, and they’re getting kisses!!! BUT, THEY ARE THE MOST SPECIAL KIDS IN THE WORLD!!!
Hi John,
I’m a loyal reader of your blog and have been reading it since Day One. My husband and I “met” you through the blog last year and then sailed on Carnival Freedom last June where we met you and Heidi in person. We’re big fans and although we were signed up for the Carnival Splendor cruise through the Baltic this summer, we had to cancel. A BIG disappointment. Reading your blog has made it a little easier – experiencing the cruise vicariously through you. We are currently booked on the Miracle this November.
I felt compelled to post a comment because I feel very strongly about lectures onboard. I think this would be a great improvement to all Carnival cruises. Several years ago we sailed with one of your competitors through the Panama Canal – a 14 day repositioning cruise. We loved the fact that there was a retired history professor onboard who gave a lecture on the history of the canal every afternoon. It really enhanced our cruise experience. Last summer onboard the Carnival Freedom, we wished that there had been a similar lecture series on all the ports of call in Italy, Spain and France. I am not talking about the Port Talks that are given for where to shop and what to buy and where to catch the bus, etc. We were wishing for lectures on the culture, history and art of the various ports of call.
I also think many people would enjoy lectures on nature, wildlife, stars and native culture which would probably be especially popular on your Alaska cruises.
I also think a lecture series on things that aren’t even cruise related – just given by a good story teller would be popular. I think the detective story would be interesting as well as stories from people who have had interesting jobs and experiences. I think YOU would be a great guest lecturer on what being a cruise director was like. I realize this blog serves as that – but I think seeing you up on stage telling these funny stories would be hugely popular. Maybe the captain? Maybe a travel agent? The ship doctor? The kid’s camp director? I know you all must have hilarious stories to tell and there are many of us who would love to hear them in person.
Perhaps a lecture series from a published author or a zoo keeper or a circus performer or even a mall Santa! I’m sure you could come up with hundreds of topics that passengers might be interested enough in to attend a lecture or two. My vote is to try out this type of educational entertainment.
Your loyal fan,
Jane
Hey John:
I really like the idea of lectures on “at sea” days. Especially when it’s cloudy or I’ve had enough sun. Sometimes it’s nice to just chill inside the ship and it would be a nice option to some of the trivia contests etc.
Looks like you’re losing some weight – my weight loss has hit a wall at 9 lbs. That’s $45 to Ovarian Cancer research. But I’m not giving up till I lose 20! Keep up the great work!
Sue K in Pittsburgh needing a cruise REALLY Badly!
John
Last year we took the Coral Princess to the Panama Canal among other places and on at least two sea days we had a lecturer. One session discussed the Canal and and the second gave a great overview of Costa Rica. Both had wonderful visual aids and neither was so long as to be boring. The gentleman who spoke to us was well informed and witty.
I think this would be worth a try on Carnival. Any number of topics would be interesting.
Regards
Roger T
TO: CAROL AND CRUISING-GRANDMA, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED
I WAS VERY TOUCHED BY THE STORY OF PETE (AND JOHN’S GOING THE EXTRA MILE FOR HIM), ONE OF THE UN-SUNG HEROS IN OUR WAR. WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I HAVE RECENTLY “ADOPTED” A SERVICE-MAN AND HOPE TO ENCOURAGE AND THANK HIM OFTEN!!!!! IT IS THE LEAST I CAN DO.
JOHN, YOU ARE SO SWEET, IT’S NO WONDER THIS MAN KISSED YOU ON THE CHEEK. WHICH CHEEK, BY THE WAY?
LATER,
LORI
Hi John,
I wish I could have been there for the lecture… I bet it was really interesting. I think lectures on a longer cruise would be great. I would certainly enjoy them.
The photos are great… you look wonderful! Your diet is certainly agreeing with you. Keep up the good work!
Princess Barb
I was on Carnival Sensation in 1994 when you were cruise director. I was very memorable. I saw some of the videos and you used some of the same old jokes, lol. It really took me back. It’s amazing that you’ve been with Carnival with this long! I was only 5 years old and I can still remember you very good. Maybe because you were always so funny and I enjoyed your jokes.
I remember one time in particular. When we were shotting a video and you walked by saying, “I’m on a cruise and you’re not.” LOL, I just saw a youtube video that said that and I still think it’s funny. 
JOHN, WHAT A GREAT PICTURE OF YOU AND PETEE!! AND YOU HVE SLIMMED DOWN, LOOKING LIKE A HOTTIE!!
THANKS FOR THE GREAT BLOG TODAY!!
LOVE TO HEIDI, PAULA AND NELSON BAKER