I have to start today’s blog with an apology. I was told by someone from the blog who will remain nameless that I had been unusually cruel to David Beckham. Yesterday in my blog about the “London” section I made reference to the London Bus and it being the first time Mr. Beckham had ever been on board one. Well, this upset a blogger who sent me a comment saying she was a big Beckham fan and I should apologize………….so, to blogger Francis R………….I am sorry……………there will be no more David Beckham jokes.

Talking of the Olympics, we’re told that a recession is coming. Apparently, it’s got something to do with the Chinese, who have, in a complex way, affected America’s sub-prime. Inflation world wide will spiral out of control, millions will find themselves bankrupt and thousands of us will be eaten by rats………….pundits are calling it “The Credit Crunch”……which by the way David Beckham thinks is a breakfast cereal……………….oops.

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Hello Everyone,

PA007 mentioned that it might be nice to post the replies to the comments marked “urgent, please reply” and he/she of course, is correct.

Therefore, twice a week, Stephanie will post a new blog marked “John’s Replies”.

This will enable everyone to see both question and answer.

I would love to be able to reply to every comment as I used to but I am afraid time just will not allow.
Therefore, if you have an urgent question, please mark it as so and if you do not want it posted please also advise us.

Cheers,
John
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Are you ready for a bit of a ummm…rude start

Guest: ————— Ref: 002803361A
Cabin: ____Booking#: 7R18L2 Added-Changed: 08/23/08 – 08/24/08

_____- COMPLAINT ABOUT CREW MEMBER READING PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE

Mr. ———– approached the desk to say that he had been on a tour to Helsinki and that a staff member had been reading a pornographic magazine on the coach. The guests said he was very religious and found this very upsetting. Guest stated the crew members name was ________ . Purser apologized and said that his comments would be forwarded to the Cruise Director and the Hotel Director.Letter of apology sent and follow up from CD.

Well, this had my blood boiling and wouldn’t you know it, just before bedtime as well. I know this staff member and I was very surprised that he would be reading such a thing and really wanted to check this out for myself and see what the story was. I won’t mention his name but he was on the tour to assist the guests as well as report back on the guide and the tours structure ………. something we do a lot for quality control purposes. (more…)

This is a blog that I have no idea if and when you will ever get to read. This is because just like Pamela Andersen’s husband, I woke up facing two mountains to climb.

Firstly, the satellite that supplies the ummmm……..thing…….that makes the internet, phones and the ATM work has not been given a visa to work this far up the Baltic sea, so like Pamela Andersen’s bra…….coverage is limited.

The other obstacle is my computer which for some reason has decided that indiscriminately it will just freeze and I have to do that control thingy delete maneuver and every third word, press the save thingy. So, I have spent much of the day on the phone with the wonderful Kat our I/S guru who sighed a lot, swore in German and fixed it………..until it started doing it again a few hours ago. Then, when I tried to print something just now it accused me of performing an illegal operation…….so that was me back on the phone with Kat again. Of course, what I should do is fly to Seattle and shove it up Bill Gates’ bottom.

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Without further ado let me tell you that Fred and Ginger are safely cocooned in the bosom of the Carnival Splendor. They arrived back at 8:20 pm. I had actually been truly worried about them………I wrote about them in the blog yesterday and although they are ummm “different”………I still worried that I had not given them enough serious assistance. Had they crashed, were they lost, had they caught foot and mouth mad sheep disease?

Well, I called Fred in the cabin and I expected him to sound surprised that I had called when in fact he was totally non-plussed about it as though I call every guest in their cabin to say welcome home. I asked him if he had discovered his ancestors in Berlin…………..and 20 minutes later I decided that it probably was one of the most stupid questions I have ever asked. Eventually, I managed to get a word in and said I had to go back to the deck party and just before he said goodbye he said………and this is an exact quote “I shall meet you in the lobby directly following your excursion program talk tomorrow to discuss our intentions in Russia.”…………intentions? Was Fred about to invade the country?…………………anyway, I have just returned from our meeting and that’s a whole other story…………for later.

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Achtung!

Guest: Mr————Ref: 002803189A
Cabin: ____ Booking#: ________ Added-Changed: 08/20/08 – 08/20/08

____ – WANTS MORE HISTORY ON PORTS

Mr————– called the Pursers Office from his cabin to say that he had just attended the Cruise Director’s talk about Berlin. Guest said he was disappointed that the Cruise Director did not talk more about America’s history with Germany as many guests have German relatives. Guest said he wanted to talk to Cruise Director and would wait all day in his cabin until he called. Purser explained that the Cruise Director was very busy but the message would be passed for him to contact guest. Called CD at 2:05pm who stated would call guest.

I did. My travel talks are not historical talks. I certainly try and give as many facts as I can about each site we visit but with limited time and the fact that I am as intelligent as a root vegetable this is not always enough and occasionally I get comments about not mentioning the tours but that I should be talking more about the history…….maybe they are right.
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Normal Service has been resumed.

Guest: M_________ Ref: 002803183A Owner: (SLSHEXMGR)
Cabin: _____ Booking#: _____ Added-Changed: 08/19/08 – 08/19/08

____- WANTS CHOPSTICKS IN THE DINING ROOM

Mr__________ who is the group leader of a group from Hong Kong came to the desk very upset because he asked for chopsticks instead of silve rwear to be placed at dinner for his group. Guest said that he also wanted them at breakfast on the Lido deck. The guest became very upset as he said that he felt very angry that he should have to ask and that we should realize that Asian people do not eat like Americans. Purser apologized and said his comments would be passed to the Maitre D. Guest then said that he wanted to reserve seating at the shows for his 44 people. Purser said we have no seat saving allowed. Guest was again very upset and said that Carnival was not treating his group fairly.
Tasked to Maitre D and apology letter sent.

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If I were to see someone indulging in antisocial behavior, such as talking loudly in a library or urinating in a someone’s front yard, I would roll my eyes and quietly sigh. If it were something more serious, such as putting super glue on cans of prunes in a supermarket or holding a baby over a hotel balcony, I might even say something.

Strangely, however, when I spot someone dropping litter, I am overcome with a sometimes uncontrollable need to perform experiments on his head involving chainsaws and acid.

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Hello everyone

You may have seen that I sent the video of the welcome aboard talk from last cruise by mistake………..silly bugger.

So, with apologies for the delay here is the correct one from yesterday including the smallest husband in the world. (more…)

So, picture this. Heidi and I were having lunch today and having a good old discussion about what’s better in Holland than in the UK……..we had gone through clogs, windmills and marijuana when Heidi said……….”Well, what’s really British then? What are the English good at?” Now I’ve been ready for some time for her to say: “I have discovered you are as ugly as a dung beatle’s bottom and I want a divorce?” I’ve been preparing for that one. But: “What are the English good at?”. ………that one took me by surprise.

“Well,” I stammered. “We, er . . . we’re good at . . .” For some extraordinary reason Benny Hill’s name came into my head. “Chasing women dressed as nurses.”

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