So, it was with much sadness that I said goodbye to Mrs.S.Nob this morning and she obviously felt the same way as she told me one last time how disappointed she was with me and how the guests onboard had been “beneath” her. There was nothing left for me to say so I just wished her a safe journey home and hoped that she never reads my blog and discovers I have a donkey named after her………..On this note I received a comment from a blogger called Kevin……here it is. (more…)

I just sat down to write today’s blog and on the news was the story of little Yang Peiyi, aged seven, who sang at the Olympic opening ceremony so beautifully, but was not allowed to be seen because the government considered her “too ugly,” and so the more cosmetically agreeable Lin Miako mimed in her place. What a repulsive state it is.

So, got that off my chest…………..and a very good morning to you from a very cold Amsterdam. The sun is trying to come out but it’s having to fight through a thick wooly blanket of cloud and it’s more windy than me and my Dad after eating a humongous plate of Brussels sprouts. It’s only 61 degrees today………….in the heart of summer.

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Well, she has complained about the service, the entertainment, my jokes, the guests, the guests having too much fun and laughing and finally this morning she complained because unlike other lines we were not going to pack her suitcases for her.

And so, finally she ordered a meeting with Ken and myself and the wonderful Mrs. S. Nob informed me that I was “lower class” and “could never be a Cruise Director with her beloved Silversea Cruise or Cunard Line “………this was , she told me due to my “sexist humor” and “scruffy looks.”………….finally……..before strutting off like a constipated peacock she referred to the Maitre D Ken and I as………
“common.”

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Why is it that women think that going for a walk …………..is romantic. We are in Copenhagen today and just because the sun is shining Heidi has this romance novel idea that we should hold hands and “go for a walk.”

Of course, you can walk somewhere when your car breaks down, or if you’re too drunk to drive it. You can also walk if you’re only going a very short distance — to achieve something at the end of it………like food…………or a free Aston Martin. But the notion of walking for fun……….. is just bollocks.

Nevertheless, every weekend perfectly normal families from all over the world go for a stroll to walk off their lunch. Others don beards and brightly coloured windbreakers so they may be as one with someone else’s piece of nature. As a result, the medieval peasant art of walking is now big business. And because it’s big business the techno nerds have arrived.

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Is there such a word as unpatting?………..The reason I ask is that yesterday I mentioned that I had patted myself on the back for working hard to get the passenger formerly known as Mrs. S.Nob to say the word thank you and to start enjoying her cruise. Well, it seems that I now need to unpat my back because of this…….bugger. (more…)

This morning as I wandered with Heidi to host the morning show we passed a herd of deck hands washing and cleaning and polishing the lifeboats. This seemed strange to me……..we hopefully never have to use them and if we do I am sure nobody is going to refuse to get in one if its a bit on the dirty side or has a bit of bird poo on the bow. I said these very words to Heidi and as soon as I did I knew I had immediately relegated myself to the doghouse………because one of Heidi’s favorite things to bollock me about is washing things…..especially our car.

Now, I love cars, I love the feel of the leather steering wheel as I open the window and listen to the orchestral sounds of the engine……….but one thing I don’t care about is if its clean or dirty. In the UK and I am sure around the world part of the Saturday and Sunday ritual is washing the car…………………..What a meaningless way of passing the time. You don’t wash your vacuum cleaner or your television set, you have a machine to wash the dishes and you employ a man to clean your windows. So how much do you have to hate the sight of your wife and children before you think, “I’d rather go outside into the cold and spend a couple of hours polishing my wheel nuts?”

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In the last few years you may have noticed the odd sign around the public areas on cruise vessels. These signs mind you to “watch your step” and” mind your head” and while you are watching your head you miss your step.

Well, we live in an age of health and safety and this of course applies in all aspects of life. As I may have mentioned a few weeks ago even religion is not safe. At the last supper Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, and for 2,000 years Christians have followed suit, going to church at Easter so the vicar can move among them with a wet towel. This Easter, however, I read that the Bishop of a church in New York had to use a different towel for each member of the congregation in case he passed on a bout of athlete’s foot.

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Good Morning and just before I forget I wanted to start by demanding a new Olympic event……….its the 4×4 100m relay: A real chance of medals here for the British and Americans in the event in which braying women in Range Rovers, Lexus’s, Acura’s, Hummers, Lincoln’s and Cadillac’s compete to drive their children the shortest distance to school.

Sorry, I know that’s an unusual start to the blog but I was just watching BBC World and they were talking about who has won what medal and they mentioned 4X 4 something or other so I made up my own event………………….as you can see………….I need more sleep.

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Patience………lots and lots of patience……………that’s what you need here in Russia this morning as the authorities check every passport and tour ticket. I disembarked the guests on private tours first this morning because last week it took the average guest 30 minutes to get through Russian Immigration. This morning, it’s the same. You see, the Carnival Tour ticket serves as a visa but privately booked tours are checked much more carefully to make sure that indeed the tour operator is reputable and that guests are not just hoping to have Sergei the cab driver take them to town.

I actually feel sorry for these guests as while the guests on tours go quickly through the line on the other side takes much longer………..I wish there was something we could do but all I can do is to prepare everyone and remind them that the reward for a bit of patience is touring one of the most impressive cities in the world.

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The first thing I had to take care of this morning was to put people’s minds at ease. Good afternoon from Tallinn, Estonia where it’s cool but dry and guests are already ashore. However, this morning it became apparent that passports, photo copies and most other concerns seemed to have been put on the backburner as Russia took center stage. It seems that during the night the Pursers Office and other staff had many guests enquiring about if the ship would still be calling at St.Petersburg and if so…..it was safe to do so? I also had a dozen letters asking me to address this on the Morning Show.

Obviously the Russian troops crossing the boarder of Georgia should be a concern for the entire world and hopefully Mr. Putin will take a breath and things will cool down. However, guests are concerned and so this morning I made an announcement that Georgia is 1800 miles to the south of St.Petersburg. There are no “red flags” from either the Russians or the State Departments of the USA, UK etc. Carnival will always put the safety of their guests first and we will keep a very careful eye on the situation.

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