As you know Stephanie dedicates each and every day to the blog. She makes sure its posted as well as keeping up with the comments etc. She has done this regardless of her own personal circumstances and that includes recently discovering her Mum has Parkinson’s. This is of course something that I asked her permission to share with you all and once I received it I assured her that everyone would send their support, especially those bloggers who may have had experience with this terrible affliction.

So, please send your best to her Mum and I can assure that even though Stephanie looks after her morning, noon and night her dedication to the blog will be resolute.

Thanks
John

I just heard that Jay Leno is leaving the Tonight Show. Throughout television history most talk show hosts have been men. And this is a problem because men feel duty-bound to compete. If the guest fires off a cheap shot, a man has to come back with something heavier and better. Male conversation is gladiatorial, argumentative, macho and, most of all, designed to be funny.

I know this from yesterday’s Marriage Show. I asked a honeymooner if he would like to come on stage and take part. He did……..and before I even had chance to ask his name and where he was from, he told me in a frenzied high-pitched squeak. “You need to lose weight.”

And as he said that he patted my stomach. I wanted to tell him that he was ugly……I could lose weight — but he would always look like someone who had been hosed down with the ugly gun. But of course, I didn’t – if I had been Jay or David…….well, that’s another story.

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And here is the awaited Vladimir video.  (more…)

It’s not easy to decide which of man’s creations is the most beautiful. It may be a work of art, or a garden, or a building, or perhaps, one of Jessica Simpson’s breasts.

Once, on a glorious spring morning, I saw the wonders of Venice rising out of some dawn mist and thought it might well be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. But then there’s the Queen Mary 2 and the Aston Martin Vanquish. The Hermitage Museum isn’t too shabby either and neither am I ………dressed as gladiator.

However, after a long time to think about it, I’ve decided that the most jaw-dropping, eye-watering, hand-biting, man-made spectacle of all time is the 1965 Riva Aquarama speedboat. Now, I know nothing about boats and had never seen one of these perfect creations before. However, in May I was in Portofino and, as I walked around the tiny harbor full of George Hamiltons and Chanel-laden women, I saw this piece of perfection just bobbing about in the water. ……………

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Good Morning

Liars Club is one of the most popular activities onboard. I stole it from an old BBC-TV program named “Call My Bluff.” The basis of the show is that four people (in this case, the entertainment staff) give definitions to a strange word provided by the host. Three are telling lies……..one is telling the truth. The audience has to decide who. Everyone loves this event ………….well…………nearly everyone.

Guest: Mr_________ Ref: 002847997A
Cabin: _____ Booking#: ______ Added-Changed: 09/07/08 – 09/07/08

UPSET ABOUT COMMENTS MADE ABOUT MEXICO

Mr ________ came to the desk to say how upset he was about a comment made at the show about Mexican food. Guest says he is of Mexican origin and found the comment offensive. Mr________ said that he was embarrassed and angry and wants an apology. Purser said his comments would be passed to the department head who would contact him. Guest left the desk. E-mail sent and phone call made to cruise director who will call the guest.

OK, let’s start with the word we used and let me remind you that the idea of this activity ……… like all our activities…………is to have fun.
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Good morning from a cloudy and rather cold Finland……….58 degrees actually.

So, I saw my friend Captain Rude this morning as I walked off the ship here in Helsinki. I was going to say goodbye and, thanks to the tour operator, that’s when I saw the little chap. Anyway, I won’t bore you with the conversation, but the bottom line is that my mistakes of not seating him at the captain’s table for his anniversary and naming Eisenhower instead of Truman as the president who met with the cigar-puffing Churchill and the miserable sod Stalin are going to get me fired ……………..yep……….according to the man with a whole bag of chips on his shoulder………I will soon be working as pot washer on the Staten Island Ferry. He will be penning a letter to Mr. Cahill that will highlight these mistakes.

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I doubt Mr. and Mrs. Coppertone are very happy today as we have gone “all Baltic” here again in the Baltic. It’s as grey – just like most of the 1960′s Soviet apartment blocks that still stand, reminding those of the way things used to be. The temperature is struggling to go past 60 degrees and, compared to yesterday weather, it’s a bit yucky. So, this is our last time here in Russia…….what do I think of the place?…..mmmmmm……well, let’s have a chat.

First of all the disappointments.

Well, I guess I was surprised at the ummmm…….and I can’t think of a better word ……….”cold” reception we received from the port and the local people. Maybe I am being a bit fussy, but in every other port, from the Danes to the brilliant Germans in Warnemunde, there was a “first call ” celebration. ………in fact, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, the Germans made every call a “first call.”
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Good Morning and let’s start today with the weather forecast.

Guest: Mr _________ Ref: 002809577A
Cabin: _______ Booking#: __________ Added-Changed: 09/04/08 – 09/04/08

NOT HAPPY WITH THE WEATHER
Mr. and Mrs. ————- came to the purser desk saying how disappointed they were with the weather. Mr———- said that they had been on the Carnival Freedom last year and it had been very warm. Guests mentioned that it was too cold to sit outside and that they could not get a suntan. Purser explained that this was the normal temperature in the Baltic but guest became annoyed and raised his voice saying a Carnival person in Miami had said that it would be very hot. Guest also said that he was bored on sea days as he didn’t like the activities as all he wanted to do was get sun. Guest said that on other cruise lines they had sun beds and solariums. Purser checked with the spa but was told we do not have them onboard. Guest got very upset and started to use bad language at which point he left the desk. Mrs._____ apologized to purser for his behavior and said that Carnival should warn passengers before coming onboard that the weather is cold. Purser said she would pass their comments to the cruise director and guest left. Apology letter sent and e-mail to cruise director and hotel director.

You know, every morning I go through a routine. I wake up, stretch, scratch, leave my G- string on the bathroom floor, shower and then worry about what I am going to write in today’s blog. I stress about sitting in front of Mr. Dell with nothing to say except:
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blingbling Asked:

John – Please reply- regarding upcoming 11 Sept sailing – this for Kat’s expertise -
DH asks if he will be able to connect to his corporate network via their VPN on the Splendor wireless system? If so, will Kat be able to assist him in configuring his laptop to do so?
Thank you.
Karen

John and Kat Say:

 I have inquired with Alex the Internet Cafe Manager and yes, this service is offered by the Internet Cafe. Please have the guest see Alex so he can advise on a time plan and assist with the VPN connection if need be.

Best regards,
Kat
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Peg Dunbar Asked:

I hope that you have enjoyed your very limited day off John. It must have been nice to see your Mum and Dad, even if for a bit.
I can only imagine how much you had to not just burst our laughing at your airport stories. Nothing ever happens to me when I fly, it is very boring. I go through security, and even though it does take longer as I have had both my knees replaced, nothing ever funny happens or in your case frustrating/funny/awkward. You right, you can not make this stuff up.
Keep smiling John, you truly are one in a million.
John please I really need you TO RESPOND URGENT.
I really need to know if you can help me put together a Meet and Greet for Cruise on our September 11th cruise on the Splendor. We were hoping for Saturday the 13th, the first sea day at 1:00pm. We would love a room/space/anything that is quite so we can visit and meet each other. I will leave you a note at the Pursers desk on the 11th as a reminder of this message, but if you could let me know now that my request is possible. I remember once on your blog that you said you were so sorry that you missed some of the CC as you did not know they were on board. One of the posters on our CC Roll Call (her and her husband are on a B2B, starting with the new sailing now) has a gift for you and Heidi and we would love to have Stephenie join us also. It would mean so much to have you, Heidi and Stephenie with us. You will make this cruise the trip of a lifetime for all of us. Please respond and let me know that this is possible. Thank you for all you do, I truly appreciate that you take the time to let us know what is going on your cruises.

John Says:

Hello Peg
Thanks for the kind wishes. I did enjoy my half a day off. Its always wonderful to see Mum and Dad. I think some people must think my airport stories are made up but they really are not…..it just seems that every time I fly, something happens. As far as the meet and greet is concerned consider it done. It will be in the Capers on the first sea day afternoon marked in today at a glance as CRUISE CRITIC MEET. Of course we will be there if we can. So, yes, please leave me a note at the Pursers Office on the first day and I will go ahead and block a lounge for you all. I will post this as I have had some other CC members ask.
My best to you, have a safe journey here.
Cheers
John

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Linda (Mom of DJ) Asked:
Could I please trouble you to forward this to John.
John and Heidi really like Melvin. We all cruised together on the Imagination back in January.
If John has not heard yet, I know he and Heidi will be thrilled for Melvin.
I was just about to check with John to see if he had heard anything when I got this email from Melvin.
THANKS for this and ALL the WONDERFUL things you do!!!

Linda (Mom fo DJ)

John Says:
Thanks so much Linda
Yes, we had a celebration here onboard for Melvin who is obviously going through mixed emotions at the moment. Happiness at the birth of his son and sadness that due to visa regulations in his wife’s home country he is not able to see her at the moment. We have him in constant contact with her and we are all looking after him. I hope all is well with you and as always thanks so much for your kindness.

Best regards to you and all your family
john
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Rupak Said:
Hi Stephanie,
Please say a big THANK YOU to Mr. John Heald on my behalf. I greatly appreciate his reply. I just wanted to know what kind of personal insurance can I buy in future to cover such situations. Overall, I think his reply has made me comfortable and I hope we have a great trip. I think that seperates others from Carnival. Your professionalism and regards towards your customers is highly rated in my mind.

Thanks again,
Rupak

John Says:
Dear Rupak
You are more than welcome and I remain at your service
cheers
John
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Ruth Asked:
Stephanie & John
Have been trying to book my shore excursions for the 28TH and 29Th of October, remember we are on the back to back cruises.
I can book the Highlights of Rome/Regular Visit To Vatican Museum on the 28Th, but they won’t let me book ANY tours for the 29Th – they say nothing is offered from the ship to Rome and back to the ship HELP. the shore excursion department is asking me to ask you to give me a list of what you will be offering on the 29Th for those who are doing the back to back, as of right now they have nothing to offer.Would love to be able to do the Rome at its Best on the 29Th, even if it was an abbreviated tour.

Thanks in advance for all your help
Ruth and Jim

John Says:
The 29th is embarkation day and we do not sell tours on line for the home ports. The tours can only be booked on board at our desk. The same goes for Dover or any other home port.

As soon as they come on board, we will be able to accommodate any requests they might have.

Cheers,
J

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Hi Everyone,

Stephanie here.  Just wanted to remind everyone to please make sure your email address is spelled correctly when you’re submitting a post with a question for John.  John has responded to a few questions/comments but they’ve been marked as undeliverable because the email address was incorrect. 

Thanks!

I have decided to study American Politics.

I do so because following a brief mention of the Republican Parties candidate for Vice President Lara Croft……..sorry……..Sarah Palin I received this comment from a blogger.

From: Leavitt, Stephanie (CCL)
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 5:21 PM
To: SPLENDOR CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Question from the blog
Brad Jordan

JOHN PLEAE REPLY.
Mr.Heald.
I really enjoy your blog and have been reading it every day. I know you are not American and probably meant to be funny when you referred to the candidate for Vice President Sarah Palin as a moose hunter but this is exactly what she is and is not qualified to hold the second highest office in the land. I realize that you do not want this blog to be a political forum but may I suggest you learn more about the Republican and Democratic parties before making jokes about them. I will continue to read your blog and hope that you post my comment as others may feel the same
thank you
Brad

And of course he is right……..I certainly do not want to this blog thingy to have any kind of political agenda…….and….as I mentioned a few blogs ago, I would vote for President Bartlett.
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