Sometimes I am aware that here on my blog thingy, I always seem to find something wrong with everything. To find discord where there is harmony. To sprinkle a little bit of yak poo over your morning coffee and bagel.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to find fault with something you love. And, strangely, one of the things I’ve loved most over the years is flying with British Airways. I love the way that when you’ve finished working a long contract onboard a Carnival ship sailing all over the world, you’re welcomed on board by a slightly feminine man in grey trousers and you think: “Aaaah. We haven’t even taken off but I’m home already.”
I love their scones and clotted cream. I love the way they have back-up planes for when your plane goes awry. And I love the calmness of their pilots, all of whom have hyphenated names and sound like they used to fly for the RAF and are up there on the flight deck wearing a brown leather bomber jacket. “Welcome on board, ladies and gentlemen Neville Barton-Smythe here on the flight deck . . . We are ready for take off so sit back and let’s bugger off home old bean.”
Oh, they’ve done their best over the years to shoo me away, ditching the elegant grey and blue livery in favor of the “We have to be multicultural and paint symbols from different countries on the tailfins” bollocks.
Even when I stopped flying quite so much and they demoted me from a card that entitled me to sit on the captain’s lap to a card that didn’t even get me into the economy class toilets, I still stayed loyal. And then they got rid of the one thing that as a boy meant as much to me as Marsha from the Brady Bunch…..the Queen Elizabeth 2 of the skies, the Concorde.
Did I blame them? No. I blamed the French. So when Heidi and I knew we would be leaving from Rome, I asked Sonia in the office in Miami to book us on British Airways.
However, as I sit here and being well aware that some of the more septic …… sorry …… skeptic bloggers may think that I am overstating or making stuff up just for the sake of something to write…….I promise and assure you on the love of our Thingy……..I am not.
So, we left the ship this morning and we did so quietly and without fuss. Last night, though, we attended a 30th birthday party for one of the beautiful dancers, Eleanor ……who by the way looks like she is 16, not 30 …..I never looked that young.
Anyway, during the hour we were there, I gave some Cuban cigars to the entertainment technician guys who did such a wonderful job and thanked them for their help. We said our quiet goodbye to entertainment staff Lauren, Owen, Adele, Kevin and Jaime and then slipped away. This morning Stephanie, our great friend and assistant CD, came to say goodbye and again…..very quietly we got in the car and were driven away.
It was as we left the pier that Heidi looked over her shoulder and obviously realizing that this would be her final goodbye to ever working on a Carnival ship…..she cried.
She has spent her last 11 years onboard. And from the great times of delivering a new ship and sailing into Amsterdam to the sad times of waking up in Belize and finding out her Papa had passed away……the memories will be everlasting.
And then we arrived at a place that has reduced grown men to tears………..Rome Airport ……. where signs are mere suggestions and where looking good is more important than looking after customers.
Why is it that at airline check-in desks at airports all over the world are organized in nice straight lines and managed by people who have customer relation skills? Yet, in Italy a straight line has more twists and turns than a Dan Brown novel and the staff working behind the desks has the customer care skills of a rabid bat.
So there we stood in the zig-zagging line listening to the Italian passenger in front of us shout into his mobile phone……honestly, I don’t know where the person on the other end of the call was but whether she was in Rome or Romania, she could have heard him without the phone.
Then, eventually we got to the check in desk with our three suitcases. I know each case must not weigh over 20 kilos and the first one was 18……the second one 19 and the third…….23. As the 23 kilos came up on the little red digital display, the look on the check in girl’s face was unbelievable. She smiled as though she had just been told she had won a new Gucci bag filled with cash and her joy was obvious as she informed me that “youa area over and youa musta pay.” I explained that we were “seamen” and that our entire world was in those cases, but I might as well have said that I was Brad Pitt and wanted to join the mile high club with her and her sister……because she just shrugged her shoulders and pointed to the ticket desk.
Yep, I had to go the ticket desk where I was met by a man who had a face like someone had shoved a broom up his bottom and told him he had to go clean the runway. I paid the ridiculous amount of 80 euros…..for being three kilos over or one pair of my underwear …….and then had to go back to the rabid bat of a check in girl to get the boarding passes.
There was no “Enjoy your flight,” just an indifferent stare. And so, here we sit on the BA flight to London Gatwick and my love affair with BA, which was like The Queen and Prince Philip, is now more like Madonna and Guy Thingy.
Why…….well, we left on time but, as we were taxiing to the runway, the pilot came over the PA system to tell us that we were delayed for 35 minutes because of air traffic control backlog……..OK……..no big deal except the pilot……on this British Airways flight was German…..yep……German.
Neville Barton – Smythe had been replaced by Hans Stoppen Von Floppen. Now, I love the Germans, but finding a German pilot on a British Airways flight is like finding the beautiful lady you met, romanced and are about to have rumpy pumpy with is, in fact, blessed with meat and two vegetables and you are in the middle of the Crying Game.
Then, about 30 minutes into the flight, the thingies in the grey flannel trousers minced over and told us that unfortunately they only had vegetarian sandwiches left for us poor buggers at the back of the plane — my scone and cream had been replaced by two slices of soggy brown bread with something resembling cheese slapped in between. Again, no apology, just “Do you want one or not?”
The other thing that has me mad is the drink I have on Heidi’s seat back tray. I can’t use my tray because the distance between me and it is bugger all and, should the plane break sharply, I would be half the man I used to be.
Anyway, back to the drink. It’s a Diet Coke, of course, but it seems to have been designed for someone who is five years old. It’s the smallest can I have ever seen and wouldn’t quench the thirst of a baby leech. I would ask for another one but the two boys seem to have buggered of and are probably talking about George Michael, Elton John or my mate Alan.
It seems, therefore, that British Airways has gone down hill quicker than a hamster on a skateboard. So, you know that Easy Jet is dreadful and now BA seems to have joined the club……..what airline, therefore, do I like?
Well, I did get to fly a few times with Richard Branson’s Virgin Atlantic…….British Airways enemy. I love Beard (Virgin) Airways but it didn’t start well there either as I was told to put on the “funky phones” so I could hear the safety demonstration, I seriously considered opening the door and jumping out. It’s an airline, for crying out loud, not Camp Carnival.
Still, offered to send a car to pick me up, which is something BA has never done. Of course, it wasn’t the limo in which Helen Mirren luxuriates in the television commercials; it was a sort of Volvo, in fact.
But even so, it took me to a check-in zone at Heathrow where, without even getting out of the car, my bag was checked in and my boarding card issued. That was impressive. And then I was escorted by a pretty girl, which is what airline employees should be like, to the Virgin lounge.
My God, it was like walking into the Design Museum. The whole place was dripping with the sort of style that means you can neither open nor close the lavatory doors, and the Diet Coke is served in big pint glasses with lots of ice. It was fabulous.
In the BA lounge you get a cup of coffee and a biscuit and you help yourself. Here, there was a restaurant, bar staff, a smoking area that wasn’t just a glass box like you get at a zoo, a hairdresser’s, several massage parlors, some steam rooms, and a businessman on a mobile phone in a Jacuzzi.
I was offered a scalp massage, which the girl said was like trying to ease the tension in a fridge door — this is because I’d been unable to get into the lavatory and was in agony — and then I rang the office to find out how much it was all costing. “Oh,” said Chris Prideaux, “it’s about the same as BA business.”
That’s weird. Normally two similarly priced products designed to do the same sort of thing are roughly the same. A Ford is much the same as a Toyota. Evian is pretty much the same as what comes out of your tap. But the gap between Virgin and BA is planetary. And we hadn’t even got on the plane yet.
Superficially, it was the same as BA. They even had a very happy man to welcome us on board, and scones, and seats that move around electrically. But on Virgin, you have a girl in stockings and a suspender belt to give you another massage, and there’s a bar. And I mean a proper bar, on which you can sit and talk with other passengers and pretend you are a movie producer.
What’s more, on BA you watch the films when they come on. On Virgin you are the master of your own destiny, and you can watch a movie when you want to.
So there we are. Finally I’ve found something wrong with British Airways. They’re not good enough. And on Monday we shall see what American Airlines is like. I have enough miles to upgrade to business class and I am looking forward to seeing if what Tony Soprano says on the TV commercials is true. I will let you know.
For now though the boy band singer in the grey flannel trousers has told us to turn off all electronic devices and, as I don’t want to be “bitch slapped,” I will comply.
I will write more when we get home from my lap top dancer computer.
Cheers
Your Friends
John, Heidi and The Thingy.
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
Ohhhh John! Thank you for starting my boringly hot Southern California morning with a laugh. Good luck with American, not my favorite, but maybe they’ve improved.
Hugs to Heidi and the thingy,
-Julie
oh my. i’d rather have my toenails pulled out with pliers one at a time than to fly again. just sayin’…
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
Hey John:
I just read this on the net and thought about you.
http://my.att.net/s/editorial.dll?pnum=1&bfromind=7405&eeid=6152966&_sitecat=1505&dcatid=0&eetype=article&render=y&ac=-2&ck=&ch=ne&rg=blsadstrgt
Seems your Russians were spending their money before it all disappears????
Btw, I HATE flying!!
Safe travels!!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
Happy travels John and Heidi. Dont’ forget to give us a PO box so we can send some things for our Thingy
Julie, ( who sails in 45 days! Yippee)
Now John, You know why I DO NOT Fly! I am sure Big Ed and Pat would agree with me too! Linda
Sailing in 3 days John have a great rest You will need it after flying American Ask for there special 2for 1 when you pay for the peanuts….LOL …Les
Hi John, Heidi, and that sweet wee little one,
We are worn out trying to get our yard work done before cold weather sets in. I’ve even got callouses on my hands, Don doesn’t..guess that shows you who is doing the hardest work, better keep my mouth shut before he retires on me…. 
When you read this you should be at home.
So WELCOME HOME !
I know it must feel good after being gone for so many months.
If you’re not going to be using your gardener now that you are there to do the work yourself, would you be so kind as to send him over our way.
Please don’t forget to let us know the PO box number for our pkgs to be sent to.
Countess Carolyn and Don……the worn out gardeners
Being in the travel industry – you are the person we like to say flies under a black cloud of problems – I’m so sorry for you…
I think your flying escapades are as interesting and funny – though not for you – as the “tails from the ship”. Thank you for giving me a chuckle today – I really needed it!!
I like American – larger seats – and business class is not bad – good luck!!
All my best – Debs
Airlines which differentiate and go an extra mile for an experience unlike the standard run of the mill cattle herding certainly may end up in a more advantageous position when customers stop frequenting their competitors ticket counters. Good luck on American Airlines….although I am not holding my breath for a positive experience…..although the business class upgrade may save you a potential “bitch-slap” from one of the flight boyz that perchance are spending more time drooling over Dolce & Gabbana or Abercrombie & Fitch adverts in the back of the plane than caring for passengers and providing another test tube of Diet Coke for a cruise director extraordinaire.
An eyedropper FULL of your favorite soda or other beverage choice for a mere $5 on your next American Airlines flight
The Flying (charge me for an ice cube!) Dutchman
Well, should I ever be offered a choice I’ll be flying with Sir Richard Branson, as well. However, the choice I generally get is ‘Do you want a bag of peanuts or not?’
It sounds like a lovely experience. Too bad you’ll have to climb aboard American Airlines jet where you’ll have no leg room, no no scalp massage and likely no peanuts.
Looking forward to the next installment!!!
Host Mach
Hi John/Heidi:
I feel like I can go ahead and write your blog that you’re going to compose on Monday. I already know what you’re going to say.
Let’s just say that AA is par for the course with BA (since they codeshare/joint share/whatever).
Pretty exciting that you’ll be coming across the pond to see some of your American buddies.
Good luck getting settled and talk to you soon.
Thanks again!
David
The only good thing about American Airlines is that it’s not United Airlines.
Jeff
Funny you should mention BA going downhill – there was a Dispatches show on Channel 4 last night “The Demise Of British Airways”
Welcome home John, Heidi and the Thingy!!
I’ve got news for you: all airlines are crappy anymore. After being treated like royalty on a Carnival cruise ship, it is always so hard for me to go to the airport where everyone is treated like cattle. And those planes…. Do they ever clean those things? That food is toxic! I could go on and on. Ha, ha.
Take care all!
Melissa
Hello John and Heidi.
And Welcome Home!
As I read about Heidi’s eyes tearing up, I too got teary eyed at the thought that we will not be seeing Heidi busily working on the ship by your side. But at the same time, I am so happy for her finally getting to fulfill her dream of motherhood, and being home to enjoy her wee little bundle when it arrives. Carl and I are both very happy for you Heidi! And looking forward to seeing photos and hearing stories of John and little Thingy getting into mischief!
Hope you had a great flight home…. Hello to Mum and Dad and Alan & family as well!
Hugs!
Auntie Princess Barb and Uncle Carl
PS…. don’t forget to post an address for us to send nappies too!
Hello John,
Please reply.
I find your blog a great way to start the day. Loved the piece about the BA pilot Hans Stoppen Von Floppen maybe he got his pilot license with the Red Baron and then stayed on in England after being a POW.
I read very much in your blog about bollocks and bollocking, I cannot find this in my dictionary (English / German), can you please explain whtat they mean.
All the best to you THREE
Ronald
Hi John,
Thanks for the laugh today! Enjoy your stay at home.
Clair
John,
I don’t have a fear of flying, but like you, I hate flying. Voluntarily walking into a hollowed out piece of metal, and expecting it to shoot into the air, and land, in tact with me inside, in the correct spot on earth seems like too much of jump in faith for me.
My last flight they offered burgers for lunch, which I thought was pretty good. I asked what came with it. They said.. cramps, then gas, then diaharrea.
Yesterday was your last day on the ship, and I’m sure it was incredibly busy. By coincidence my own blog on CruiseMates was about you, and I imagine that you wouldn’t have had the time to read it. Before I began to write it, and what lead me to writing it, is I realized that I’ve been following you around the oceans for 12 years. 12 very intersting years. I do hope you get a chance to read it sometime…. http://www.cruisemates.com/
I also noticed you mentioning you’ll be doing the 2 day sailing of Ruby Princess. It’s a shame. I too was invited on that sailing, but I’m sailing on another line from NY to Miami, and sadly it arrives the day after that Ruby Princess sails. If my timing was better I’d have loved to see you again.
At any rate, enjoy your few days settling Heidi back in at home, seeing Alan and your folks, and then your next metal tube vault to America!!
Regards,
Dear John,
We feel your pain about flying. We flew US Air over to Gatwick for the Baltic cruise in August and back and it was the worst 2 flights I’ve ever taken. Seats were so small and uncomfortable and I weigh only 125 lbs. I could go on and on. It was so bad I actually considered not booking a Grand Med cruise for next year because of having to fly. Avoid US Air at all costs! Gatwick had to be the friendliest and most helpful airport I’ve been through. We had 2 bags over the weight limit and the clerk suggested we but some things in our carry-on which we did. So we were able to avoid a fee. I thought that was so nice of her but am sure the folks behind us weren’t so pleased. Have a great trip home.
Air travel is not the same as it used to be. Hopefully, the experience on AA didn’t go too bad. Welcome back to the States.
I have read a lot about Virgin Atlantic too and was hoping to fly them to London last month but wound up on American instead. Honestly, first or business class is not Virgin but not any worse than the rest which isn’t saying much. I have Japan Air has the best in both sections.
I knew that you would have lots to talk about. Tell Heidi all will be well.
Personally I like Jet Blue. My cousins will only fly Virgin Airways now when they go to the UK to visit their son Will and (DIL) Carolyn and grandaughter Jesse. They say it seems to be one of the nicer airlines these days! My Cousin, Will Sr., used to be a mechanic for TWA (remember them?!?) for many years. Back in those days, TWA emplyees used to fly for FREE…imagine that !
Anyway, Heidi I wish you, baby, and John, only the best and happiest of wishes. I’m sure it was a little sad though to leave the ship behind. I have never met you, and now might not get the pleasure of doing so, but I wanted to tell you that you and John are now entering what is sure to be the most wonderful time in your lives. Enjoy it, as time goes very fast and babies grow up way too quickly…oh no I am getting misty eyed again !!! And John…when are you going to start calling it a BABY and not thingy…( I knowwhen–The first time you feel the BABY kick) So exciting !
Love and muchos huggos to you both,
Sue M aka suefrmnarrowsburg
John,
I wish you good luck flying and I hope Murphy stays away!
I wish Ozark Airlines was still around. They knew how to treat their guests, and had the best safety record and on time record!
Princess Susan
Man, have you nailed flying today’s universally “unfriendly skies”! Instead of being “bitch slapped” you’re more likely to be sued . . . you and Carnival . . . by your “boy band” flight attendant, or arrested when you land in the US for provoking your flight attendant’s manhood, or winking at him, or whatever.
Good morning John, Heidi & little-Heald,
I know that by the time you see this you will be home, but safe & happy landings. I can imagine how sad you both are to say goodbye to the ship & crew.
And I too despise flying – not fear of flying, just hate everything that’s been happening with fares, services, long waits, etc. I’m just glad Carnival has expanded the itineraries in NY even though I can usually do only one a year.
But my best to both of you and your families, and I can’t wait to read the next blog thingy from wherever you may be – it starts or ends my day in the best possible way.
Love,
Carol
AA buisness class is pretty good – a lot better than economy! Hope you enjoy being home and than have a good flight to USA. Flying has become so unpleasant that we canceled our Greek Isles cruise for this October. The thought of the treatment in the Rome airport was the last straw. Maybe we can gather the will power to try it again sometime.
Have a safe trip.
Dear John, Your air travel excursions never fail to amuse me, you on the other hand, could do w/o all of it.
I hope you are safely home and your Mum and Dad are well. Get some rest.
My best to Heidi, the both of you will miss your staff, but new things are on the horizon.
Keep smiling John.
Dear John,
Your plan for subliminal world domination took a big leap forward today.
I was sitting at work, bending my brain around a program I am writing, and song popped into my head. Now songs popping into my head is not unusual, I’m very susceptible to “riff head”. I’ve had occasions where songs have gotten stuck for days at a time. What was unusual was that it was not Billy Joel or Neil Finn or Luka Bloom or the Beatles or (egads) Britney Spears or any of the other usual suspects.
When I stopped long enough to pay attention to what I was singing I heard:
“Is that a booger in the sugar? No it’s snot!”
And it’s good and stuck now. The Food Emporium song will not dislodge it, nor will “Ode to Joy”.
Oh my… You are the only person I’ve ever heard sing that song, so you are the only source. J’accuse!
Then it occurred to me that your Mini-Heald is going to have access to an amazing treasure trove of silly jokes and rude songs in daddy. Mini-Heald will be the envy of all its friends and the scourge of all its teachers. I have great sympathy for Heidi and Mini-Heald’s future teachers, principals and other authority figures.
All the best to Heidi as she leaves her Carnival career behind. What a lovely woman she is and what a lucky man you are. I feel honored to have met her on BC v1.0.
Enjoy your travels, John (even the air travel). I can’t wait to cross paths with you again in February.
Cheerios,
Laura (aka divetrash, aka Princess Laura, the sweet and innocent of Big Ed’s Evil Krewe)
PS – I’m also well versed in the art of wet willies, noogies and indian rug burns, should Mini-Heald require a tutor. References upon request.
you can always say that british airways is the best airline on the travel industry ‘”‘