Saying goodbye today was very difficult. Heidi and I have not been apart for some time and the fact that she is carrying our thingy made it even more difficult. She was very brave but I knew as soon as I closed the front door their would be tears. And not just hers.
Anyway, here I sit in the Flagship Lounge for my business class flight to Miami. I use the word business class because it seems that as the credit crunch continues all the men and women here are determined that they can save the world from financial ruin.
They look very serious as they open their laptop computers. This maybe though that like me they have spent the last 20 minutes trying to log on to the web thingy and remember what their password is …….. probably it’s password.
By the time they actually do log on the flight is called and they have to bugger off. Why bother, if you haven’t saved the world by now the 45 minutes you spend in the lounge won’t change a thing. So, my advice, read a book. It will make you more intelligent, calm you down and stop people like me wanting to stab you with a cocktail stick every time I hear the start up tune for Microsoft.
And then, there are the mobile phones. Right now a man is sitting opposite me. He has one hand holding his phone while the other is covering his mouth. Why?
Does he think I can lip read, does he think it makes him look like he is discussing a secret deal with Mr. Arison to sell him a climbing wall for each ship………does he want us to think he is Madonna’s lawyer and is worried we will find out she divorced Guy because he used to wear her underwear while singing Vogue.
Well, you don’t mate. You look bloody ridiculous and chances are you are on the phone with your wife getting a bollocking because she found out you had been logging onto Bangkokladyboys.com
And, I feel very much out of place the way I am dressed. Everyone is in suits and there have been the odd look at the “big bloke in the sweatshirt and sweatpants”……..all are hoping I am not sitting next to them. I feel as out of place as Sarah Palin in a vegetarian restaraunt.
OK, time to read my book. I have bought a biography about Ian Fleming, the creator of James Bond and in case that’s too heavy a Tom Clancy book called Rainbow Six.
Back soon.
Well, here I am on the plane in seat 10 H. There is a lady next to me and as God is my witness…….and on the love of my thingy …….. she’s French.
She has already complained that the plane is too hot and is now buried beneath a blanket. I tried to be nice and say “Bonjour” but all I got was a watery smile.
Ok, time for take off. Just my luck ……I bet the plane crashes and I end up burnt to a crisp with my body intertwined with bits of Madame La Grumpy.
Last time I flew you may remember that I had two ladies on the other side of me who liked each other a lot. That was fun. This time I have a guy who has the biggest lap top dancer computer I have ever seen. He is obviously not bothered about who sees his work. So, let me introduce you to Hank Riggenbach who works for a company called Fizer.
I can tell you that they manufacture drugs and that he has a meeting tomorrow in Tampa and that he is crap at solitaire……..I so desperately wanted to him to put the Jack on the Queen but the idiot missed it.
Apart from that it has been an uneventful flight. Madame La Grumpy has slept the entire time. I have no idea how people do this. Maybe she took something to knock herself out……a pill……..or maybe she just smelled herself and that was her …unconscious.
Anyway, it’s been a nine hour flight.
I will write a short blog before bed. Please excuse the raspberry blogs today. Normal service (including Jaime’s next letter) will be resumed tomorrow when I collect my Carnival Lap Top dancer.
We are about to commence our descent so time to switch off and hopefully you will read this while I am enjoying the hospitality of Officer Gonzalez and his mates at US Immigration.
Cheers
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
Only you can make things that are ordinary extraordinary and funny. I’m sure you are pleased that Madame La Grumpey slept the whole say.
Your description of leaving this morning brought tears to my eyes too!
Welcome to Miami! Never have I found an airport with more rude personnel than there–I’m sure immigration is not any better although luckily I’ve never had to experience it at the airport there so good luck with that too. Looking forward to the next segment on your new laptop dancer.
John, did you get us a post office box number so we can send things to Heidi for the baby?
Countess Carolyn………….who’s real good at nagging…..
1) Love (not the right word) people who incessantly gab on their cell phones at the airport so that the whole world can hear them. It must give them a rush of something when they do so….seemingly, as if saying to all who are in earshot (practically the entire terminal most of the time) ….. “Look at me….I think myself way more important than I really am.”
2) Pushy business types who think they own the frakkin planet. Granted you get better seats for forking over a small fortune to fly but to push your way through security checkpoints even before you even get to the gate………….GRRRR…. One swift kick in the arse next time you pompous blonde bugger!
3) Those who haul around, open, and use gargantuan laptop dancers that shouldn’t really qualify as a laptop anything…. If the unit does not fit on the seat fold out tray thingy or takes up more width than you or your seat….don’t take the soddid thing out on an aircraft. A nice big screen feature presentation courtesy Powerpoint, Excel, or Access …… appearing in business class for the whole plane to enjoy…..YEAH !!!! Pass me some popcorn.
The Flying (quietly reading a book or magazine whilst waiting at a gate) Dutchman
Find it hard you and Heidi have to be separated. Hope time passes quickly for you.
Kap
Hey John,
Welcome to the USA! Just got off a 9.5 hour plane ride, so I know your pain. Thanks for the laughs today.
Jan
Ahhh… more hilarity at your expense. Thank you.
Flying is either an exercise in impressing people (generally ones self) or an attempt to get somewhere that no one else wants you to get to. It’s the latter that has always been the case for me and probably you, as well.
Bags never arrive at the same location I do, which mystifies me as most of my flights are non-stop. When I do have a connection it never works out. I end up getting routed through Bangladesh to get to Cleveland… from San Antonio.
So, my friend, please forgive me as I sit here and chuckle. In the immortal words of William Jefferson Clinton… I feel your pain…
One more point… never… and I mean NEVER attempt to speak French to a Frenchman. It’s like trying to get a pig to play poker except the pig doesn’t look at you in disdain…
More!!! We want more!!!
Ciao!!!
Host Mach
I too am really good at nagging, as is Carolyn, so where is the P.O. box so we can send Heidi some things for the upcoming event. Maybe it is too early to do that, but we are all so excited to become aunties and uncles, so give it to us already! By the way you sure have a way with words, you definitely need to write a book someday soon! I will be the 1st to buy it! Then I can tell everyone I know that I KNOW THAT MAN! He is the famous John Heald, Senior Cruise Director of the greatest ships in the world, CCL! Looking forward to your next blog thingy. Linda
John:
It is Pfizer (spelled correctly)!!
It was one of David’s account here in Memphis, before he got assigned to other pharmaceuticals all over the stinking world. (including San Juan)
Their market capitalization is 115 Billion !!
Well, DJ did it again. He talked Dad into booking another cruise. We added the January 1st cruise to our January 5th on the Fantasy for a B2B!!
So we currently have 4 cruises booked…BEFORE the Blogger’s Cruise. What can I say, we are raising him right!!!
Safe travels!!!
Linda (Mom of your friend ~ awaiting his Milestone Rewards Card in 28 days~ DJ)
John, when you swear on your love for your thingy, I sincerely hope you mean the baby and not that um… other thingy.
Hi John/Heidi:
That was a quick nine hours
Seems like you always manage to find the interesting characters when you travel.
Great hearing from you and good luck.
Thanks again for posting and hope to see you this weekend here.
Take care,
David
John,
I feel your’s and Heidi’s pain at having to be separated. We were separated many times when Mike was in the army. It was so hard to say goodbye! Hopefully, you will be together again soon. We did laugh about the grumpy French lady. Don’t sweat the sweats John. You are more important than any of those people in suits. So wear what you want, stay comfortable, and keep the laughs coming.
Lori & Mike
So John… where isthat Post office box….huh? Lol, only kidding!
I am not good at nagging people, only my husband Ted! Can do that real well!
Temps here in NY are about 30 at night and we had a few snow flurries, are
wen New Orleans yet!???! Ohhh, that is so sweet that you miss Heidi so much.
You are a good hubby, John…usually, lol!
Muchos Huggos,
Sue M