The bidet is as pointless as the Koala Bear.
A Koala bear sleeps for 20 hours a day, only waking up to feed on tasteless eucalyptus leaves, which make it as stoned as a Rastafarian monk. ……….if a Koala Bear could get one of his mates to braid his fur…..he would. The plant makes the Koala so high that whenever it sees anything that isn’t a eucalyptus tree or another koala, it becomes so frightened it gives itself Chlamydia………..that’s a fact.
This can’t be much fun. Sitting around in a tree all day, singing Bob Marley songs, in Australia, sleeping, hallucinating and having a sexually transmitted disease that you caught without actually Rumpy Pumpy with another Koala. I know all this because I spent the morning watching Animal Planet. This not only made me more knowledgeable in the world of Koala Bears but also made me realize how much I miss Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter……………..there really will never be anybody like him.
Anyway, I wondered as I watched just why God had made the Koala Bear in much the same way as I wonder why he made the Flamingo, the Duck Billed Platypus and Paris.
Anyway, I am sure the Lord has his reasons for creating these oddities but we only have ourselves to blame when it comes to the Bidet. I have one in my room here in Philadelphia. I have always refused to use one as and when the opportunity has been there. I mean, what’s wrong with a slice or two of paper or in extreme circumstances the toilet brush or if you are at a friends house who you don’t really like………..the shower curtain.
However, as I was getting ready for dinner last night and only because there was bugger all on TV except more totally unbiased election coverage on Fox, MSNBC and CNN………………I decided to try it out.
Now, you will be happy to know that I am not going to tell you how a hot jet of water spurting up your rusty sheriffs badge feels like…………….but I will tell you that I will never ever use one again. Now, before I tell you why I must apologize to the people at Arnold our brilliant advertising agency who took me out for dinner last night. I am embarrassed and this morning I am probably as popular with them as someone who serves barbecued Cocker Spaniel at a dinner party.
You see, what the people who invented the Bidet tell you is that after depositing a spicy curry or a huge plate of Mexican food into the toilet that there is nothing better than a good session on the Bidet. ………….ok, that’s fine. But what they don’t tell you ………………..as I found out last night………………is that some of the water that spurted up your chocolate starfish may reappear hours later……………and that is exactly what happened last night…………………..honestly………………..it was as we were walking to the restaurant that I suddenly felt an oozing sensation around my bottom area………………some of the water from the Bidet must have been trapped and had now decided it was Steve McQueen and the Great Escape was on. There is no more embarrassing feeling than having to walk down Main Street in Philadelphia with your hands clasped behind your bottom hoping that the people who are taking you for dinner wont notice the now perfect circle of dampness now appearing on my Dockers…………..bugger.
So, forget the Bidet. It’s a nasty vicious invention which could have only been invented by French. If you insist on using one, save your money, and use your neighbors sprinkler system in their front yard……………they won’t mind.
Ok, it’s time to go to the site and see the giant Piñata and interview loads of people with beards.
Stop by throughout the day as we will be posting lots of video’s for your viewing pleasure.
See you later
Cheers
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
I can’t believe the things that happen to you friend. Crazy, Crazy, Crazy. Cuckooo
Anyway you make me laugh.
Thanks for the answer to my question.
I understand the Baltic part. Still………
Good topic for a discussion sometime.
You must have been one hell raiser as a kid, you better not teach your son or daughter all your wrong doings as a child. I am sure Heidi will have to be the disciplinarian in your family! How is she doing by the way? Hope the morning sickness is gone. Do you two plan on finding out if it is a girl or boy? Hope so, and hope you let us know as it will be more fun and easier to shop for the baby that way! I have a new grand baby coming Dec. 19th, but they don’t want to know the sex of the baby, this will be their 3rd, they have 2 boys now, I want a granddaughter!!!!! They say they don’t care either way, and decided to wait till the day of her caesarian to find out. I am so anxious to know! Oh well, I just have to have patience I guess. Well, I started getting things together for our cruise today, 20 more days! Can’t wait! I will be watching you tomorrow in Philly. Hope you had a cheesesteak sandwich! YUM! Linda
John, you’ll have to position yourself a bit more, ummm, strategically and try the bidet again. Go on, you can master it!
Duchess Sandy in GA
Member of Big Ed’s First Evil Krew
John,
I am laughing so hard…everyone always knows when I’m reading your blog, because I’m sure to be laughing uncontrollably like a dang fool.
Thanks for the laughs!
Lisa Kilmartin
Oh my. I can’t decide what’s more disgusting–the “incident” or sharing it online.
The Bidet–interesting subject and since I’ve never had the opportunity to use one, thanks for the info because now I never will!
Oh geez…I’m fixing curry for dinner! YIKES! ; )
John:
I guess that is why poops and oopps is so similar!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
Thanks in advance. Timing is perfect. I’ll be leaving for my ‘Freedom’ cruise in the morning. Prior to embarkation, I’ll be spending a couple of days in a Rome hotel. One that doubtless has a bidet. Since I’ve never used one–youve given me something to think about.
OMG John,
You may have had to change your pants, so you think it is ok for us have to do the same!!! You could not make this stuff up! Heidi will probably die laughing when you tell her what happened, or when she reads this! And, you provided me with a new term for part of our anatomy, “the chocolate starfish”! Being a nurse with a sick sense of humor, I am sure that saying will be spewing from my mouth in the very near future! Thanks for all the laughs today!
Sheryl
John – Please Respond
You do understand that the bidet was invented by a Turkish woman named Fatima, don’t you?
OMG…I’ll remember this FOREVER!!!
Good evening John. The bidet story was hilarious for me but I don’t think it was for you. I’ve never believed in a machine that shot water up at your arsehole. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Have a great day my friend. Ciao.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
JohnL
I have no words for you today. I am laughing so hard my computer is going crazy.
That is the first time I have heard of a bidet in the U.S.A.
Marie
shoot the only time we ever had a bidet was in rome and prince charlie shaved in it and complained the thing was too low to the floor to lather up real good. he cut his chin too.
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
John, some of our friends think we are a little tetched for driving almost 700 miles to see a commercial shot about a Pinanta, but they don’t understand that we came to see you, and it is worth every mile. But they have never experienced your humor. Who else but you could have this experience with a bidet………. RALMAO
Don ……drove the entire way while
Countess Carolyn…………. crotchited the whole way to Philly
Hi Heidi We hope you are feeling okay. I’m sure you can’t get enough sleep. I stayed sleepy the first 4 months of my pregnancies. We wish you could be here, but take care of yourself and that sweet little wee one
Well… uhhhh…. ummmm… OK… I’ll take your advice and that’s all I’ve got to say about that…
Host Mach
John you would think that they would have a hot air dryer like on Carnival ships to dry you off after using the butt cleaner.
We are laughing so hard at your descreption.
Good luck
Hi John!
I’m laughing because I had almost the same thing happen to me in Las Vegas a few months ago. I had never used a bidet though I had one in my house growing up.
I doubt I will ever use it again. I had to have a friend show me how to do it and yet I still screwed it up.
Good luck tomorrow and I hope everything else is well with you, Heidi and Thingy.
Take care!
David
I agree with Mary Alice-yuk! TMI
Oh John…you make me laugh. How can you ever think we would not read your blog thingy when you are not on a ship? Thanks for the info about bidets! I will remember…
Karen R.
John,
You should just make a habit of wearing brown pants all the time!
Princess Barb
Wow …. Another uncontrollable laughter fit…..
Using a shower curtain…..or sprinklers…. Too funny!! The horrible embarrassing feeling that seepage has occurred…. Like they say ……
Shyt happens.
The Flying Dutchman
Yes John, TMI, too much information. I am so excited, will finally get to meet you
tommorrow. Me and ny family are coming to Philly, SEE YOU THERE! Hi to Heid, hope
that you are feeling ok. Being really tired and sleepy the first several months is normal,
and you should take advantage of it!!
John,
Three things I don’t discuss: Religion, Politics, and the thing that happened to you.
Ciao, Kathleen
Thanks for a much needed laugh. I like your blog!
Oh, my. I d0 wish I lived closer to Philly. I would love to see you and the big Pinata. Now there is a truly “American” tradition – Pinata. At least it is around So. Cal.
You made my day with this blog. I laughed so hard I almost lost my cup of coffee.
Thanks for the wonderful insight into your life. Hugs to Heidi.
You’re too funny – love your descriptions and way with made-up words. Crocodile Dundee used the bidet for his feet. Maybe you should stick to that.
If laughter is a medicine – I’ve overdosed.
I have been gone all w/e, but I just have to respond to this. I am sorry John that you had a bad experience with the bidet but my husband had a funny one. When we got off the Splendor in Rome we checked into our hotel and as I was walking past the bath room, there was Mike standing over the bidet ready to pee. I yelled, that is a bidet, not a urinal to him. He turned around and said, “what is a bidet”? LOL, I just told him what it was, not that I have ever seen one or used it. The one we had was so low, almost to the floor. I am very surprised that they even have them in the US, guess that shows you how much I travel out east.
Help John – Please reply.
We were booked on the Liberty for the September 6, 2009 sailing. The offer to sail on the Dream will not work because we have been on that trip before (with you). Also, Princess gave out an offer today that is almost exactly the same trip that we just had this last fall on the Splendor (again with you). Carnival has no other Europe cruises but Princess does, the Athens trip on September 5 but it is double the price of our Liberty trip. Princess says sorry, either take the same cruise we had or nothing. Is there anything that you can do so we can go on this Princess trip?
Thanks a lot -
Ed & Barb Saari
Wasn’t there a song like that back in the (?) 80′s?? Bidet you will, Bidet you won’t…. make up your mind tonight…Bidet you, Bidet you won’t, wanna be miiiiiiiyyayine! From now on for you John, it’ll be Bidet you won’t. Ever.
Thanks for the good story, chap.
Best and blessings,
D A