Monday, November 17th, 2008...7:04 pm
Advantage Miss Navratilova
If American Airlines was the snake in the garden of Eden, Eve would have paid for her own apple………………………..bloody hell……………$2 for a pair of headphones to watch a movie that has been cut so much as not to offend children, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Vegetarians and the French it lasts 20 minutes
At least bankers only steal from us. They don’t make us feel dirty, too. The time will soon come, I am sure, when the cabin crew of your average flight to a misnamed airport only a three-hour train ride from the middle of nowhere will spend the entire journey parading around with expensive food and drink on bits of string on the end of sticks, which they will dangle in front of our hungry, hungry noses. Or maybe they will just strap us into our seats and slap us around the face.
Whack! “Hungry, are you?” Whack! “Haven’t eaten in five hours?” Whack! “Bet you feel pretty stupid now, eh? When you could have had a McBurgerwhopper in the airport? Well, that’ll be $89.95 for a BLT, sir or are you a madam. Cry all you like. Yeah, and your toddler, too. What’s that? Haven’t any money? Spent it at check-in because your suitcase is bigger than a ziplock bag? Give us your watch then if you want to eat.” ………………..nope……………..well bugger off then you can starve then.
Good morning from Boston, Mass…………I write just Mass because I can’t spell Massachuseus………….as you have just seen. Sorry to start all grumpy but I have just had enough of flying having done so much these last few weeks. I am sure it’s not just American Airlines but is it just me …………has flying become such a challenge that most of us would rather shove a scorpion down our underpants than have to board an aircraft.
Yesterday’s flight was yet another example of the “CCL” attitude they have………………in this case “CCL ” stands for “Couldn’t Care Less .” There was no welcome aboard from the flight attendants who seemed to actually have their backs to the boarding passengers …………….chatting no doubt about who the Captain is having rumpy pumpy with.
My traveling companion this time was a lady in her 50’s who looked the spitting image of Martina Navritola. She was a miserable sod and this was proven once we took off…………….and I will tell you about that in a minute.
But first let me tell you that our flight took off 1 hour and ten minutes late……………this was due to a Maintenance Issue as we were told by our Captain. Now, this news should have prompted the air crew to walk up and down the aisle checking if everyone was OK…………………maybe offer us a luxury item like…………..ummmmm…………water. …………………..but nope…………….they just stood and chatted and laughed. Now, if they had been young and blonde I would have put this down to inexperience but the crew were all older than me……………..I was sure I had seen one of them on a rerun of the Golden Girls. And so I sat there reading my Cigar Aficionado magazine as the projected 1 hour and ten minutes delay turned into 1 hour and 30 minutes and then……………..without warning or further apology from the Captain or crew the engines started and we buggered off to Boston. OH………………how the airlines could learn from us and their CCL attitude could be turned into a ………………..CCL attitude…………..if you know what I mean.
I will come back to the Martina Navratilova lookalike, my flight companion, a little later.
Did you see yesterday’s Bond blog. I hope I didn’t upset too many Daniel Craig fans with my opinion of what I thought was a pretty crappy movie. This got me thinking…………and so it’s time to do another poll. Firstly, Stephanie will post the results of the Anytime Dining vs the Assigned Seating Dining which I think you will find very interesting……………..and something I will talk about in the days ahead.
Hi Everyone,
Here are the poll results for the anytime dining vs. assisgned seating dining.
Drum roll please…..
Assigned Dining 459 votes 59%
Anytime Dining 315 votes 41%
Anyway, time for today’s poll which is.
Answers will be posted on Tuesday.
So, in a few minutes I will be off to my meeting here in Boston. We will be talking about Carnival Unscripted which is going to involve me and you doing some really great stuff together. We will also chat about some wonderful and quite brilliant ideas which our marketing team and our new friends from Arnold have come up with. I will tell you more soon. Now, I know many of you have already written in seemingly thrilled that I will be doing a lot of Caribbean Cruise Directing next year and you want to know what ship. The answer is I don’t know and won’t know for a few weeks. But as soon as I know which ship I will be treading the stage on in February, March and April……………I promise to let you know. I really think this is the best option and honestly I miss entertaining………what do you think………….is this a good thing?
Yesterday, I also told everyone about The Best Blogs At Sea…………..written by The Best Cruise Lines at Sea. I wanted everyone’s blog under one website thingy and so with the wonderful help of Bill Harber at Carnival Corp my dream has become reality………..if only my dream of owning an Aston Martin would. Anyway, I hope that you will all have a look at regular intervals at www.bestblogsatsea.com because they are…..the best blogs…………….at sea.
I am writing this part of the today’s blog thingy from my new raspberry which is called a “Bold.” I miss my old one as the keys were bigger ………..however…………I have a much bigger problem to face. That’s because when I get home to the UK I will need to buy a new cell phone to use in the UK. This is because my raspberry has a US number and while I have no problem in knowing that my mates Alan and Danny will spend a fortune calling a US number from England when I am in England………….I don’t want my parents or Heidi for that matter having to pay. So next week…………that’s me off to the cell phone shop and what a selection we face these days.
All of them, if you have fingers the width of surgical probes, can access the internet, receive emails, take super-sharp pictures, give you the weather conditions in Botswana and be used as a hand-held satellite navigator with the built in GPS thingy
Some can even be used for making telephone calls as well.
But being a backward soul, I can’t really understand how any of them work, or why I might need to watch a teenagers damage their scrotums in skateboarding accidents on YouTube.
I was beginning to give up hope when, my mind turned to a phone Roger Blum still has………….he keeps it next to his eight track stereo . It’s a Nokia 6210 and I know all it does is make phone calls.
Sure, it is unable to bring me any pornography and it has no clue about the weather in California but for ringing my wife to say “I am on my way home, make sure my dinner is ready and my slippers are by the fire, it’s just perfect.
So there you are. If you want a new phone which actually works, for years, on a single charge, the Nokia 6210 is your answer.
Of course, you can’t actually buy one new any more but I see eBay is littered with them with prices starting at just $18.
Here is a photo of the phone in question.
I knew I was in Boston when the driver who had been sent to collect me said that his vehicle was in the “Caahpaak?” …………….Miami felt a long way away. ……there the driver would have said El Caro Iso Ino Las Carparko.
This had been a strange trip. It had started earlier when myself and lots of other passengers suddenly found that there was an extra security check as we boarded the flight. It seemed that at all the gates there were members of the Miami Border Protection checking everyone’s I.D. It was soon my turn and the Officer asked me where I am residing. “A hotel in Boston!” I tell him, confidently, but apparently that’s wrong, because he then said without breaking the stern, slightly constipated look on his face, which country I reside in. “The UK,” I said and just to make sure I added all the other connotations “Britain. England and Essex.
Once in the car the driver immediately launched into a tiring nonstop novel about something called “The Big Dig.” He rattled on and on about tunnels and how it took too long to build and how the government was corrupt and how the new President was………well……….I can’t actually write what he said but let’s just say I think he was a McCain supporter……………..I was already exhausted and if he hadn’t been driving I would have put my foot up his tunnel. Eventually he came up for air and asked me a strange question. He didn’t say “where are you from .” ……..he said……………”what race are you?”
Trying to be funny and hoping that my slightly flippant answer would stop his incessant talking I said “I’m human!”
He sounded more thrilled than ever. “You’re Cuban?”…………..and for the next 15 minutes I listened to his views on Castro……………………bugger.
OK, time to go to the meeting and then to the airport to fly home to see Heidi. I will write a blog tomorrow once I am home to let you all know I am safe and sound. I want to say hank you to all of the people who have looked after me these past four weeks………..especially to my friends Roger and Marie Blum and of course the Bentley’s. A special thank you to PA 007 who took me to a Denny’s for breakfast and who I should tell you keeps a Victoria Secrets catalogue in his cubicle drawer.
And a special thank you to Jordan, Tom , Walter and Tony from the Interactive thingy team who made the videos and all the work I did so much easier and Vance from PR who is so important to what we do here And…………Stephanie who looked after my travel, my health and of course the blog…………….thanks Steph.
And so its home to Heidi I go and I can’t wait to see her. I will send a photo tomorrow for you.
I can only hope my flight is better than yesterday’s. As I said earlier, my travel companion was a very stern woman who looked like the tennis player Martina Navratilova. I was going to pass the time we spent waiting for the flight to take off in idol conversation but Miss Navratilova had already been swearing and muttering under her breath when the delay was announced. As time dragged on she got more and more uptight and clenched her fists…………..I was worried she may explode. I just sat ……….reading my magazine ………….quietly and I admit………….a little scared of the former Wimbledon Champion.
After the plane took off the Captain turned off the seat belt sign and having finished my magazine (which by the way had 145 pages of which 143 were advertising) so I asked the Miss Navratilova look-alike if she didn’t mind getting out of her aisle seat so I could get to my carry on as I wanted my portable DVD thingy player.
She looked at me as though I had asked her to take off all her clothes and do something naughty with a tennis racket…………….she glared and made a “huummmmmppppphhh “ sound…………….eventually she stood up and allowed me out of the seat all the time making “tutting noises” while she waited. I grabbed the DVD player and sat down as quickly as I could………………….she was one scary woman …………..why couldn’t I just once…………sit next to Anna Kournikova.
It was an hour into the flight that I realized I needed to pee………quite badly. I looked out of the corner of my eye at the short haired US Open winner and woman’s activist next to me. She was reading a book which was probably called “All Men Are Bastards ” and for a moment I contemplated asking her if she would get up so I could have a wee wee. She must have sensed this because she looked at me………..and that looked said that if I dared to ask her to move I would find a certain popular tennis phrase very applicable……………………………. “New Balls Please.”
Goodnight
Your friend
John
31 Comments
November 17th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Whatever makes you and Heidi happy. Yes I know I’m not helping
I will tell you one thing though if you are going to stay in the Caribbean. Please take a ship that brings you at least one time to San Juan. I don’t think me and my family want to wait until Dec 9, 2009(allegedly) to see you again 
Have a safe flight (again) it won’t be that bad this time you are going home. Give Heidi a hugo from all of us and tell her that we miss her.
Nanni
November 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Hi John!
My what a pleasant travel companion. How lucky you are.
I have heard good things about the Bold. Please keep us posted.
That Nokia is a classic. Ebay is the place for that though.
I look forward to hearing about your Boston trip and safe travels across the pond.
Thanks for posting and take care.
Hi to Heidi and Desk.
David
November 17th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
John, now you have an idea why people are sometimes grumpy when getting on the ship–most of us have to FLY to get to the port and it is as you describe–a fate almost worse than death itself. If the flight itself is not delayed by hours then just being subjected to the rude airport personnel at various check points will do you in.
I love the idea of the spontaneous fun with the new promotion–I would like it even better if it started on Friday with me when I get on the Splendor! Champagne is always a good thing.
Have a safe trip home to Heidi and baby. Looking forward to photos before I have to fly to Ft. Lauderdale on Thursday night.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
John,
Safe travels as you head home. Take some time to enjoy Heidi…you can take a day or two off. I think we’ll all survive.
Thanks for giving us an inside look at all you’ve been involved with over the past several weeks. It never gets boring.
Take care,
The Kilmartins
November 17th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
John -
I wish I knew you were looking for a cell phone that only allows calls. I have a bunch of them – whenever we have upgraded our phones, we have kept the old ones. Just a new battery and voila.
Next time ask and they are yours.
Jon
November 17th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
John you are hilarious.
Thank goodness you are about to head home. You need some tender loving care from Heidi and Heidi needs some from you.
Watch your self though her hormones will be a little out of whack and you will be the closest target.
Looking forward to the pictures of Heidi tomorrow.
I have a couple of questions for you but I will wait until you get home so that you can answer. I have 45 days to go.
CruisingGrandma
CarolAnn
November 17th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Good evening John. It has been such a long time since I have written to you. I have had many difficulties with my computer that has not allowed me to read or comment from my friends Empress Bee, Nanni, Big Ed, Linda and especially you. I’m so happy for you to now allow you to go home and see your pregnant, beautiful wife. Remember awhile back what I said about pregnant women, of course you don’t remember but I what said was a pregnant woman was the most beautiful person in the world. She shone with a light of beauty that only a pregnant woman could. You’ll be very happy to see Heidi and you’ll see what I’m saying. Remember what I said. Only fly once a year and that is to go to Florida to get on my cruise ship. It’s a pain in the butt so I can see how difficult it must be for you, a person who travels many times in a year. Rest when you arrive at home. Once to tell us where and when and what ship you’ll be on, I hope to choose a cruise and ship you’ll be on. I might still have that chance of meeting you and sitting down to a cup of tea or whatever. My grandson will having his baptism soon. I hope to send a picture of him in the near future. Ciao for now my friend.
Paul
November 17th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Ah John, I really think that you are doomed when you fly commercial. I think Carnival should get you your own plane and pilot to take you wherever you need to be. And of course someone must be on the plane to make your favorites with a smile. All the reading material you want and of course a bed so you can get some sleep and a bathroom with a shower. I can’t think of anything else, but when you ask Carnival you can make sure to get everything you want.
For some reason I thought you were going to GB today. With all your traveling, it is a wonder you know where you need to be at any given moment.
I hope you have a good flight home to your Heidi. Maybe something unexpected will happen, your luggage will be inspected and all will be well, you will get through customs w/o a problem and you will sit next to a very quiet and very nice person that has sailed Carnival and remembers you from their last cruise, the cruise that they loved and had no problems on. Hey it could happen
Safe travels John and my best to Heidi. Keep smiling John, you truly are one of the good guys.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I have a very similar Nokia phone. It replaced an older model Nokia that our service provider would no longer service. All it does is make and receive phone calls. It does have voice mail, and this time I’ve actually figured out how to get my voice mail. I never figured it out with the old phone, and most people who know me knew better than to leave a voice mail message. Most of my voice mail messages now, though, are either ads or a woman who keeps calling for “Chris” and whom I have told several times is calling the wrong number.
Hope you have a good flight home and enjoy your well-deserved vacation.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
John
I wish you safe travels home. I know Heidi can hardly wait to see you. Thank you for all the blogs and updates while you have been on this side of the pond. We will be waiting to hear the news that is to come from your marketing thing. I hope you have a better travel partner on the flight to the UK. That would be a looooong flight with the tennis ace.
I have one of those Nokia phones that my hubby carries when he rides the motorcycle. It is true that the battery lasts for eons. He wouldn’t trade it for anything…lol
Take care, and give my best to Heidi and Desk.
Gloria aka Sue
November 17th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Safe travels across the pond! I am sure that you can’t wait to get home to Heidi. Just watch what you say so that you don’t end up in the doghouse right off the bat! You have been out of it for quite some time now. Also, thanks for letting it slip that 007 is a “he”–maybe you have slipped on this before, but if you did, I missed it. Now, that makes it easier for us to try to figure out who it is–we only have to look into the male population. By the way, did Heidi get you a dog yet? I know that is something she has been looking forward to.
Sheryl
November 17th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Hi John,
How is it that you always seem to fly with the strangest people next to you??? To funny!
Tell Heidi hello for us…. maybe she will write a blog for us…. or send us a short message??? Looking forward to seeing a picture too!!! Give her a big hug for us!
Princess Barb & Carl
November 17th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Why would mobile phone companies want consumers to have handsets that can only be used to make voice calls when they call add all sorts of functionalities for which they can charge you additional fees? Ringtones, Ringback tones…Wallpaper…Games…GPS Internet connectivity….all means more money for them and less for you.
John should haul out one of these……
http://www.3g.co.uk/PR/April2003/Brick.jpg
The Flying (Reach out….Reach out and Touch Someone) Dutchman
November 18th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Dear John: I bet you’re glad you are finally going home. I know Heidi will be happy especially now in her condition. Have a wonderful safe trip home and try to relax because if anyone needs to relax, it’s you.
Enjoy……..
Regards,
Terry
November 18th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Good Morning John,
When you get home, please give Heidi a hug from all of the Evil Krewe. I’m glad you are going to have some quality time together. Enjoy and get some rest, you sure have earned it.
Countess Carolyn
November 18th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Hi John,
Aha, so PA007 is a “he”(Clue – Victoria’s Secret catalog).
Now you know why I really don’t want to fly anymore to get a cruise.
That looks like my old phone – wasn’t bad, I texted a lot with that one. I just wanted something a little smaller & more up-to-date – like taking photos.
Have good meetings, think wonderful thoughts about Heidi & the little Thingy and pretty soon you’ll be home with them. Maybe if you keep thinking “lovely, wonderful thoughts then up you’ll go” (Peter Pan – sprinkle a little fairy dust and you’re flying – ok, I saw “Hook” over the weekend).
Hugs to you both,
Carol
November 18th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Have a great time.I just got of the Fantasy and I talk to Big Tex the CD.He said he will be leaving the Fantasy in feb and moving to a ship in Miami .I hope you can be on that ship some .Also I told him I saw his Mom on your blog and he said he didnt get to see it .I told him she looked great .He thinks alot of you .See you on some ship in the future .Lets go crusin
November 18th, 2008 at 9:41 am
John Have a safe flight home…. Glad the tunnels didn’t fall in on you…… LOL a story for another time.
I wanted to pass along a link to a story that I found on line thatI thought you and the other readers might find interesting. I am bring this up because of your stories about the Customs and border patrol stories. Another person telling the samse thing you do. here is the link…http://www.professionalmariner.com/ME2/dirmod.asp?sid=330124C77DEB4CEF879A375AB27B3060&nm=&type=Blog&mod=BlogTopics&mid=6F8048355D46484094C5A383BAF6E427&tier=7&id=7C2E0A3435B546AF81B070CBB365D7ED
I know its a long link and you need to cut and past itbut the article is worth reading and goes into more detail than what john has aboth what these people who trake such good care of us have to go through jsut to go to work
Capt Bill
November 18th, 2008 at 9:55 am
OK, I can understand leaving off Timothy Dalton, but how can you have a proper “Best Bond” poll without George Lazenby????
November 18th, 2008 at 10:57 am
John:
I hope your flight home is (was?) better than the flight to Boston.
Enjoy some time there – we can wait a day or two for your next post.
Any chance you’ll be on the Miracle at the end of March? (please???)
As always, best to you, Heidi, Thingy/Desk, and Stephanie.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:57 am
URGENT-John please reply
Hi John. Amanda here again. I had replied to Stephanie’s email about our ports of call, but am not sure if that was what I was supposed to do. I had sent an earlier request asking you about your must see / must do list. We will be calling in San Juan, St. Thomas, La Romana, and Nassau. 11 days to go!! We can hardly wait!
Enjoy your vacation and your precious time with Heidi.
Thanks,
Amanda
November 18th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Hi John –
I’m so glad that you are getting to go home to see the lovely Heidi and Desk.
I’m also so glad that you were able to come over to our side of the pond for some fun. It was very nice meeting you at the Gigantobeachball bash. I hope one day we’ll cross paths again but on a cruise ship instead of dry land!
Thank you (and Heidi) for letting us into your life, it’s so much fun!!
November 18th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Hi John,
I haven’t posted in a while but I have been reading. Welcome to Boston!! There was snow in the air Monday. Did you bring winter with you??
We’ll be on the Miracle next October.Maybe you’ll be the CD on her. Our best wishes to you and Heidi.
You keep us laughing. Go Red Sox!
Alan & Chris
Boston, MA
November 18th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
John, great blogs lately; I’ve barely had time to read them.
First, Please take at least a day off a week while you are home with Heidi and little Thingy, PLEASE. Maybe even 2 days off, they deserve your complete attention. (I imagine Stephanie would be happy with this, too.)
Second, The Just for the Fun of It campaign sounds like an excellent addition to the Carnival Cruise Experience, can’t wait to see it in action.
Third, Whatever role/job you and Heidi decide is best for you with CCL in the future; I’m sure you’ll be great at doing it, and Carnival is lucky to have such an employee as yourself. We, your Bloggin’ Family, will all be behind you, supporting you.
Wishing you have a great flight home and get a long, long hug and kisses from Heidi.
Diane from Texas
November 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Hey John,
I have to say, I’ve missed the sit-commie (intended pun for the Russian tourists) situations and stories provided by the guests on the ship. I’m going to miss the day when you’re no longer a CD and no longer reporting the situations from the front lines. I’m looking forward to future you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up stories about the guests.
Jeff
November 18th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Hi John.
Love you Blog – thanks you for your welcome to the Bloggers!
Can’t find my link on you website, I am sure this is just a technical fault!:)
Best wishes,
James
November 18th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Hi John.
Love you Blog – thanks you for your welcome to the Bloggers!
Can’t find my link on your website, I am sure this is just a technical fault!:)
Best wishes,
James
November 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Here is a Vote for the Freedom……….Hope you had a safe flight, from BAHHHHHSTON.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I hope the Heald has landed.
You will enjoy the improved dollar to British Pound exchange, approximately $1.50 per pound. This past June it was $2.00 per pound, or about $4.00 more for a plate of fish and chips than now.
After your comment on the cost of clean under shorts at the hotel laundry, I looked up Carnival’s fees and found them to be reasonable in comparison:
Laundry Services In addition to self-service launderettes on each ship, there is a valet laundry service on board; dry cleaning is not available. Following is the price list; this service is handled through the room Steward:
Mens Item Wash Press; Press Only
Suit 2-Piece: n/a; $7.00
Suit 3-Piece: n/a; $8.00
Jacket: $5.00; $3.75
Blazer: $5.00; $3.75
Over Coat: $8.00; $6.00
Trousers: $5.00; $4.00
T-Shirt: $2.00; $1.50
Shorts: $4.00; $3.00
Under Shorts: $2.00; $1.50
Track Suit: $7.00; $5.00
Pajamas: $4.00; $3.00
Pair of Socks: $2.00; n/a
Jeans: $4.00; $3.00
Shirt: $4.00; $3.00
Tie: $2.00; $1.50
Ladies Item Wash Press; Press Only
Suit 2-piece: n/a;$7.00
Dress: $7.50; $6.00
Shirt/Blouse: $4.00; $3.00
Silk Blouse: $5.00; $3.75
Skirt: $5.00; $4.00
Jacket: $5.00; $3.75
Over Coat: $8.00; $6.00
Slacks/Pants: $5.00; $4.00
Shorts: $4.00; $3.00
Panties/Bra/Slip: $2.00; n/a
Jeans: $4.00; $3.00
T-Shirt: $2.00; $1.50
Track Suit: $7.00; $5.00
Nightgown/PJ’s: $5.00; $3.75
Swim Suit: $3.00; $2.00
Pair of Socks: $2.00; n/a
Scarf: $3.50; $2.75
Handkerchief: $2.00; $1.25
If you have 10 stays at your favorite hotel, will they give you free laundry service with the 10th stay? Probably not.
The discussion of the price of bottled drinking water and the suggestion that you drink the tap water reminded me of something. On one of our cruises there was a presentation by a ship’s officer about the tons of pure water the ship makes and the recycling of waste water. I think it was called technical water, or something like that. The officer said that the recycled water was used to flush the commodes and then went through the purification process once more.
A man sitting close by said to his wife that he had been brushing his teeth with the water in the bathroom and he sure as ^&%* wished he had known it was recycled potty water. I broke out laughing and he got kind of humphy.
Hope things are great in Essex.
Cheers Mate
November 18th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Have a safe flight home say hi to Heidi and the thingy for me.
Take care
James
November 19th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
John, good luck on getting home.
I love Carnival, but like so many people, I don’t like getting nickeled and dimed. Frankly, like the airlines, so many things cost extra and above on Carnival. Cokes, juices, waters, well prepared meals with nice service.
I doubt I’ll ever stop being a Carnival patron, but the extra costs for basic items are common on Carnival, too.
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