It has you doing the strangest things at 4 am. I won’t go into detail, but in the wee small hours of this morning, me and the toilet were joined at the bottom. After making my deposit and knowing that sleep would avoid me, I ventured downstairs and turned on the TV. In the US there seems to be a huge variety of programs available at 4 am while here in the UK your choices are very limited. However, there was one savior among the cookery programs and Chuck Norris who, at the age of 89, was trying to sell me a fitness machine………………and that savior was the movie Top Gun.

No man dislikes this film. If they say they do I suggest you look down his pants to see if he has a thingy as Top Gun is a male institution. It has great action and the greatest love story in the history of movies.
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Just once………………just one time………………I would like to be able to sit here and tell you that my flight went well……………that I sat next to a normal person…………….or even that I sat next to nobody and that absolutely nothing happened………………….but whether it’s Murphy and his law or the big boss in heaven………….someone has obviously decided that this is never going to happen.

I thought all was going to be well as the only minor hiccup so far had come when I had put my boarding pass in my carry-on bag before it went through the X-ray machine. I was asked for it by the mall cop who when realizing that I had did not have the boarding pass in my hand shouted “no boarding pass on aisle 1.” This resulted in another officer who had obviously been best friends with the entire McBurger range asking me to “step aside.”…………….

I did and she waddled round the other side of the conveyor belt while I extracted my boarding pass. When I presented it to her, she didn’t even look at it. For all she knew it could have been out of date or a pass to my local library………………………..anyway, as she went of to get another McWhopper I sat waiting for American Airlines flight 108 to leave on time……….it did……………and I thought all would be well. I even ignored the fact that the flight attendants were as cold as an Eskimo’s nipple. It was only going to be a five and a half hour flight………….I was in Business Class…………..and I was going home.
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If American Airlines was the snake in the garden of Eden, Eve would have paid for her own apple………………………..bloody hell……………$2 for a pair of headphones to watch a movie that has been cut so much as not to offend children, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Vegetarians and the French it lasts 20 minutes

At least bankers only steal from us. They don’t make us feel dirty, too. The time will soon come, I am sure, when the cabin crew of your average flight to a misnamed airport only a three-hour train ride from the middle of nowhere will spend the entire journey parading around with expensive food and drink on bits of string on the end of sticks, which they will dangle in front of our hungry, hungry noses. Or maybe they will just strap us into our seats and slap us around the face.
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Karl Asked:
Hi John, who hopefully will reply…
We were on the original in the end not so official maiden voyage of the Splendor… You now the Baltic one wich in the end was the 4th cruise or something We missed the special feeling, we missed the inuagural events, we missed the splashing of the bottle, we missed Angelina Jolie… hmmm you also missed her
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Just before I start venting let me start by saying Good Morning less I forget to do so later…………………”Good Morning.”

Well it’s going to be quite a day. I have to pack……..or…….as I like to call it “throwing everything into a suitcase and then sitting my buxom bottom on it to make sure it closes.”…………..Heidi would not be happy. Then I will have to check out of the hotel.

This has been my home for the last month and I shall miss it………………..like a bleeding hemorrhoid. It’s not a bad hotel………in fact it’s very good and I have come to know the staff all of whom call me “Mr. John” and are very pleasant. However, I am tired of having to pay $5.95 for them to wash one pair of underwear ……I don’t even pay $5.95 for a pair of underwear.
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I have never been much of a fan of parties. Maybe this comes from the fact that I was hardly ever invited to one and when I was…………….no bugger spoke to me. I would arrive at the party with dreams of meeting a girl ……………any girl…………. who would want to have a bit of rumpy pumpy with in the back seat of my Ford Escort ………………of course……………….reality was that I would leave with Alan………..and go for a kebab.

And so last night I attended the employee party where thousands of Carnival shoreside employees and one invited guest descended on the Carnival Splendor for a night of fun, dancing, eating and a few magnums of wine.

Now, the invitations had a dress code on them…………….because that’s the law. As I told you a few weeks ago, dress codes make me crazy. There used to be just two and that was OK.
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Hi Everyone,

We apologize for the difficulty with the streaming video.  I know some folks experienced some delays, but we had some connection issues. Please don’t worry if you weren’t able to watch live.  All our videos are available for replay. (more…)

Hi Everyone!

Join us as we welcome the newest addition to the Fun Ship fleet, the Carnival Splendor, as it makes its stateside debut in Fort Lauderdale. John will be roaming the ship and interviewing various crew members along the way. (more…)

Hi Everyone,

Stephanie here. Just wanted to let you know that John will not be writing a blog today but at 3:45 pm (EST) there will be live streaming video from John with some of the crew members and some behind the scenes onboard the Carnival Splendor.

Thanks!
Stephanie

I love food………………I really do. Last night I ate at what some would describe as a “fancy restaurant” and I will explain the point to all this in a moment…………………. But first let me tell you what was on the menu. I started with seared duck foie gras with – wait for it, a roast banana and some banana puree. Strangely, the combination tasted like a Zippo firelighter.

I then walked over to the carving counter where I asked the young man to cut me a piece “from the end “of the joint of beef…………………let me explain why. I hate any redness in my meat and while Heidi is happy to have her steak waved in front of a candle for a few minutes and call it cooked…………..me…………….well I have to have mine burnt.
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