Bugger… this Facespace thingy has gotten out of control. Stephanie called me yesterday and told me that I have 1,000 friends and hundreds of requests from people who wanted to be my friend and needed a hug. My friend list is increasingly weird – Julian Fennel, for instance. The last time I saw Mr Fennel he was in junior school when we were eight years old……..I hated him because he got to kiss Sally Poole and here he is 30-something years later wanting to be my mate.

Then there is an ex-girlfriend whose name had better stay anonymous. We met on the Carnival Fantasy in 1990 and dated for some time. I told her to bugger off when I found her stealing $200 from my wallet and found out that she was having rumpy pumpy with the Staff Chief Engineer behind my back………..on her back…………………she now wants to be my friend……………I have said yes but only if she pays back the $200.
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Did you see the news today that Starbucks has issued a 97% downturn on their profits from this time last year? …………..wow……………..I wonder why. Has the credit crunch meant that we are now taking a packet of Maxwell Folgers Coffee to work with us and avoiding the purchase of a skinny macchiato caramel extra shot whipped and bollocked and instead…………..drinking coffee?

One thing’s for certain. Although the young ladies and gents who work at Starbucks may know how to make the most complicated variations…………..if you want them to look as bemused as Paris Hilton in an Everything’s A Dollar Store………………ask for a cup of tea.
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LambKnuckles Asked:
FOR JOHN TO REPLY… WHEN HE HAS TIME…
I’m sailing on the Ecstasy leaving Galveston on 12/4/08… (QUITE CLOSE and I’m excited!!) And I need help…

The gal I’m sailing with is an office-mate and a RCCL devotee. I don’t know if I can convert her, or if it matters anyway… BUT: I want to make this SPECIAL for her so she can feel just a bit of the fun I get cruising CARNIVAL.
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So the flight was delayed once again. Apparently it was still a surprise to American Airlines that there were other planes taking off and landing and so we sat on the runway for 40 minutes waiting to take off. It would have been nice to pass that time by talking to the lady next to me but she already had one of those Zorro masks over her eyes and had her head buried in a “travel pillow”……..she had a American Airlines standard issue red blanket wrapped around her ……..and all that was missing was a “Do Not Disturb Sign” hanging from her nipple.

Eventually we landed and after a marathon walk from gate 51, I arrived at the taxi stand to take a cab b (more…)

It was quite a sight. 8000 pounds of candy pouring from the belly of the Worlds Largest Piñata. There were approximately 300 paid film extras who didn’t need much direction as when the candy fell they rushed forward, arms open wide ready to embrace Mr. M&M and Mrs. Tootsie Roll.

On a serious note I should mention that having 300 people charging toward the candy was a sight to see……….and that was in a controlled environment.

Imagine what thousands of people doing that would have resulted in……….it does not bear thinking about.
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Good morning everyone.

I will tell you where I am in a moment but first let me tell you about the verbal fight I witnessed yesterday afternoon.

It was Saturday and that meant the airport was packed with passengers returning from cruises.
So there I was sitting in the waiting area munching on a chicken Cesar wrap which by the way tasted of nothing but garlic………..I would be safe if there were any vampires on the plane.
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So there I was ………….last night……………at the Dolphin Mall……………in the DVD store. I had chosen three movies to help me through another lonely night in the hotel. It was going to be me………A Bond Classic “Moonraker”……………a new movie called “The Happening”……………Tom Clancy’s “Clear and Present Danger”…………..all accompanied by lashings of room service.

But there was a problem. The bill came to $61…………….and I only had $55………………..and hadn’t brought any credit cards with me.
This happens to me a lot, mainly because everything costs about three times more than I was expecting. A bottle of Diet Coke, for instance. I stand in the checkout queue thinking: “That cannot possibly cost more than $1.50” So I prepare $1.50, and then I have to look unfazed and casual when the girl demands $2.00……………….plus tax.

$2.00 plus tax. For a plastic bottle of coke. How can this be? I thought they’d stopped using cocaine as one of the ingredients. So what have they replaced it with? Platinum? Myrrh? It’s the same story with chewing gum, which cannot, even in the wildest wet dream of Mr Wrigley, possibly cost the consumer more than 50 cents a packet. Applying Heald’s law, I stand in line with $1 and then find out the damn stuff is $3 a go.

 And nicotine patches. In the adverts they say these will help you stop smoking. Damn right. At $45 for a box of seven you won’t be able to afford cigarettes as well.


Which is the whole point I suppose. Because taking up smoking again is exactly what the nicotine patch industry wants us to do.

 Plumbers are surprising, too, especially now they prefer to be called heating engineers and especially if their name is Joe. Heidi had to call a plumber and yes, that is the correct way to spell it) because we had a leaking pump thingy at the back of the thingy that washes my underpants and water was flooding all over the kitchen floor.
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I’m often criticized by Heidi for not telling her everything. I’ll go and have a Diet Coke with a friend and come back to a Guantanamo-style grilling: “How’s his wife? What are the children up to? How is his brother who is dying after being bitten by a rabid yak?” I’ll look nonplussed and be forced to admit that none of these things really came up. When pushed, I struggle to remember what we talked about – just stuff … it’s what blokes do

Women, on the other hand, talk a lot about people they don’t know. There are endless discussions about whether Angelina is really happy with Brad Pitt or whether Madonna has had breast implants and had already reached third base with the baseball player Mr. Rod while still married to Guy Boring. Our house is littered with gossip magazines that are read over again and again, as though there is some hidden Da Vinci-style message within.

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Theresa Asked:
Theresa (reply pls)
I hope some day to meet you. I enjoyed every minute of the day in Philly and wish you would do one in Chicago so that I could gather my gf group friends for a day out there. You won’t be sorry at all. Oh well, that may not happen, but some day, some time in the future I will have a chance to meet you.

Out of curiosity – where did all the candy go that was in the pinata… to CHOP, St. Christopher’s, to the neighborhood children who may not have tricker or treated due to the craziness in Philly on Halloween aka the Phillies’ victory parade!!! (more…)

Birthdays are crap.

Mine no longer tend to herald exciting parties and the greedy shredding of wrapping paper. They are now just mileposts that point the way toward the inexorable arrival of old age and incontinence.

Because I’m an increasingly maudlin fellow, I tend to treat other people’s “special days” in the same vein. And so it was that before the basketball game, which I shall refer to later, I went to a birthday party. The fiesta was for the daughter of a friend of mine who works for Princess Cruises and I went to help celebrate the birthday of his Princess who we all call “Cup Cake.”

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