Women communicate in the strangest of ways. Heidi is constantly texting her friends …….what they are talking about I have no idea. To men…………texting is a tool for abuse; “u ok u fat bastard?”
Oh, and for passing on jokes of poor taste. This used to be the job of truck drivers who would spread the jokes across the country……they have lost their jobs to texting.
I have learned to hate the phone over the years, especially while on vacation. If the office in Miami wants me they will e-mail or call my raspberry. Therefore, if the land line rings………..I refuse to answer it.
Heidi – can you get that?
John – No, it will be for you
Heidi – I’m in the bathroom
John – Bugger
A few moments later Heidi will come down and the conversation will be as follows.
Heidi – who was it?
John – Some friend of yours
Heidi – who?
John – no idea
Heidi – you mean you didn’t take a name or number?
John – she’ll call back if it was important
And when women do get together in groups and talk live……….what are they talking about? Well, a few nights ago Heidi had a group of friends round for an evening talking about babies, pampers and poo. Luckily, I went to the movies with Alan (The Day the Earth Stood Still was excellent by the way) and when I returned I listened to what they were talking about. During this 10-minute spying session from behind the living room door I heard her and her five friends talk about a group discussion about the dreams they had last night.
The latest fad miracle diet which would take pounds of their bottom and a round robin discussion which included general man bashing about how useless we all are around the house.
At one point my jaw hit the floor when one of Heidi’s friends said she could actually remember being one year old and had clear memories of one year birthday. Heidi and all her friends went “Woooooooooow.”……….If this had been a group of blokes talking and one had said that he would have been met with a chorus of “What a load of bollocks.”
Some of you may say that maybe the lady who said she remembered being one year old may actually do so…….well, how come then she forgot to bring a bottle of wine or some cream cakes to Heidi’s gathering ……every other lady did……….she didn’t. And, this particular lady has the most annoying habit of saying the word “whatever” at the end of every sentence.
When asked how she felt about the credit crunch, she said: “I am so over it now, it’s like, ‘whatever’.” In her world almost everything is “like whatever”.
The poor weather is “like whatever.” The onset of a Christmas is “like whatever.” Do you want coffee or tea….”like whatever”? Mysteriously, though, President Elect Obama “is so like cool.”
You see, the “whatever” lady is much younger than Heidi and her friends but she is an ex-social host/dancer who lives in the area and she was raised in today’s modern way of speaking. I’m sure your children speak the same way; I’m equally sure they deliver longer sentences in a flat monotone with a scorpion tail of rising inflection at the end.
This I suspect has been picked up from too many television programmers. Couple these speech patterns with the “like whatever” that has come from some exclusively blonde and pink valley in Los Angeles and we’re left with an odd conclusion. A girl born in London and raised on a cruise ship has developed an accent from somewhere in the middle of the Pacific.
This is not the end of the world because eventually she will grow out of it in much the same way that you and I at some point stopped describing Emerson, Lake and Palmer as “far out” and Deep Purple as “groovy.”
What she may not grow out of, however, is her insistence that “today” is spelt with a 2 and that “great” somehow has an 8 in it. This new language has now spilt from the cellular phone world of texting into her Christmas cards and letters.
People, like my friend Jennifer in PR, believe that txt spk spells the end for proper English and are furious, but really it’s hard to see why.
Think. When pictograms and hieroglyphics were replaced with letters and numbers, did people paint angry drawings in green ink in the caves of North Dakota, declaring that this new “writing” was the work of the devil? “Imagine having to ‘write’ to a newspaper wn you’ve seen a t-rex? How much easier it is to simply draw one.”
Now our days are filled with distractions. You’ve got to locate a signal for your RaspBerry, download some BeeOncea onto your Eye Pod and still find time to work, cook, clean the house and slaughter a few Zombies on the PlayStationXbox. Speed writing is therefore a damn good idea.
Some people, even without the benefit of long hair and earpieces, were happily writing at 110 words a minute, more than twice what could be achieved if they were writing “properly.” So why, I figured, if this works so well do we still persevere with ABC, the language of the quill? We changed the way we wrote when steel-nibbed pens replaced feathers, so why not change now that silicone impulses have replaced the Biro? You can’t write shorthand blog on a conventional keyboard but you can write txt spk. And it is perfectly legible. “2day i wnt 2 c the dctr who sd my bld prssur ws gr8 but I have Hem/rds.” What part of that can you not understand? A language without vowels: it’s never done the Dutch any harm.
Adopting txt spk as the new alphabet would mean that I could say more each day on my blog thingy. And because. This would be “cool.” And the lovely thing is that if you complained that you didn’t understand I could just say…………… “like whatever.”
Good evening everyone. My drama with Pussy Galore the injured cat is not over. As you may have seen in yesterday’s blog thingy, I found an injured feline in my back garden and after tears from the wife I took it to the local vet. Having spent over $100 on vet bills I received a call from the cat sanctuary this morning……..and I couldn’t believe my ears. I was told by the tofu-eating vegatablist on the other end of the phone that it was my responsibility to pay for a notice to be placed in our local paper saying that I had found this cat and where she was now.
“No,” I said………I have already paid $100 for its surgery and now I had to put an advert in the paper. I then unbelievably received a bollocking from the lady on the phone saying that it could have been someone’s pet and that right now a 11-year-old girl with pigtails is crying into her My Little Pony pillow because Tibbles has buggered off …… or …….as I told the vegetarian cat-loving Ms Henshaw it could have been dumped in a ditch by a would-be axe-wielding maniac.
I then passed the phone to Heidi as I was slowly starting to get annoyed and the end result………..an advert with a photo will appear in the local paper which I will be billed £18 ($30) for. I truly hope it belongs to the girl with ponytails…………….but I have a feeling the owner is as we speak sitting in a dark room buying a new axe on the internet.
Alan wanted to say thank you for having a look at the Southend Lifeboat website …………..over 2,000 of you did yesterday……………you are all so very kind.
Let’s highlight one Caribbean Island today and that island is the one that has a beach for every day of the year…….that’s 365 by the way…………….and that island is Antigua.
ANTIGUA
People come here for relaxation. By law, all 365 are open to the public. The ones I used to send guests to was Dickenson Bay which is Antigua’s sand central, with a half-mile smile of gleaming white powder, two or three bars and all manner of kayaks, water-skis and wet bikes carving up the blue. Much more romantic is Hawksbill Bay. Its quartet of coves get lovelier the further south you go, though you may have to brave the stares of resort guests, who’ll get a little bit annoyed at the cruise ship guests invading their beach ………but they can bugger off because as I mentioned……….every beach is open to the public although many involve paying an entrance fee.
Of course, the island’s British traditions are everywhere to be seen from the old style English phone boxes to the smattering of English Pubs. The place to soak up the atmosphere is Nelson’s Dockyard, on the south coast. Built in the 18th century so that our British Navy could protect the sugar trade, the dockyard has been tastefully restored, its original stone and clapboard buildings surrounded by period street lamps and tidy flowerbeds. We have a brilliant array of tours available that cover all the usual suspects of island tours, snorkeling, boat trips and relaxing days at the beach. Remember, Carnival Victory and Carnival Freedom are two ships that call to this island of total relaxation.
JAMAICA AND JAMES BOND
It was a naked girl, with her back to him. She was not quite naked. She wore a broad leather belt round her waist with a hunting knife in a leather sheath at her right hip. The belt made her nakedness extraordinarily erotic…or at least it did to me. This is James Bond Beach on the island of Jamaica and close to the port of Ocho Rios. This is where the iconic scene from the first Bond film, Dr No, was filmed. Ursula Andress emerges from the sea, singing Underneath the Mango Tree, in that famous white bikini, Sean Connery’s Bond is waiting to surprise her. Now, if you rent Dr. No you will also see the old Boxite pier where many of our cruise ships have docked over the years and those guests who were on the Holiday, Carnival Ecstasy and Carnival Sensation may recognize the area Sean is trying to blow up…..here’s a bit of a trivia quiz for you. Can anyone name a movie in which a Carnival Cruise Lines ship can be seen clearly in the background? Here’s a clue………the ship is in Miami ………….any guesses?
On Monday I will fly to Venice to see the Costa Iluminosa and, of course, the Carnival Dream. I will be looking at:
CARNIVAL WATERWORKS
OUR BRILLIANT NEW STATEROOMS – SPECIFICALLY THE DELUXE OCEAN VIEW AND COVE BALONY CABINS
OUR PIAZZA WHICH IS NOW OFFICIALY CALLED “OCEAN PLAZA”
OUR OUTDOOR PROMENADE CALLED “THE LANAI”
And much, much more.
Of course, I will be sending a full report on Tuesday along with answering all your questions that are in my inbox thingy. I will send a few raspberry blogs on Monday. I am flying Easy Jet…….so I am sure I will have something to tell you. I will have video and photos to show you as well so see you on Monday.
Well, I am home alone. Heidi has flown to Holland for the weekend to be with her mum. It’s only a short flight to Holland, just 40 minutes………….but I still worry about her. However, I have another thing to worry about and that’s not assaulting our dishwasher with a chainsaw. It’s a new dishwasher. And now I am thinking of smashing it into small pieces because when it’s finished washing the pots and pans it makes a beeping noise.
And if I don’t empty it immediately it beeps again. And then again. How stupid is that? It means you’re sitting by the fire, nodding off in front of the television, when you hear the electronic summons and, because you know it will go on until the end of time, you haul yourself out of your chair, pad into the kitchen, open the door and discover, as jets of superheated steam gush into your face, that the beeping was not, in fact, coming from the dishwasher at all. So now you’re standing there, looking like The Phantom of the Opera, wondering what on earth had been making the infernal noise.
It could be anything, because these days everything beeps. Cell phones beep when they are dying. Microwaves beep when your food is ready. Freezers beep when they get too warm. Cars beep if you don’t put your seatbelt on. Captains beep before they make an in-flight announcement and I beep when I make one onboard. Airport golf buggies beep when they move. Children’s toys beep when they don’t. Trucks beep when they reverse. Parking meters beep when you put money into them. Phones beep when there’s a message. Shop doors beep when you open them. Actors beep when they swear. There’s even a beep in the when I click on a web site thingy on my lap top dancer computer.
Now if Heidi was here she would know immediately where the beep is coming from. So you creep about the house, with your melted face, hoping that you’ll be near the source of the noise when it strikes again. Then, suddenly, you think: “Bugger me. It’s a smoke alarm warning us that its battery is dead and that unless I do something about it – right now – everyone will be burned to a crisp.”
Quickly you get a stepladder and replace the battery and just as the cover snaps shut you hear the beep again. This time, of course, you know it really is the dishwasher. So you open the door and it steam-strips the bits of your face that weren’t burnt off the first time. Because actually the noise was coming from the freezer, which has got a bit too warm. ……….AS OZZIE OSBOURNE WOULD SHOUT” SHAROOOOOOOOOOOOON…..so am I shouting ” HEIIIIIIIIIIIIDIEEEEEEE.”
Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and the Thingy
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
Hello John:
Yes the fim with a CCL ship clearly visable would be the Bird Cage. I know it was a Fantasy class ship but don’tknow witch one. I also would like to congratulate you and Heidi on your upcoming thingy! Our family cruised on the bloggers cruise last year and were booked this year, but unfortunatly had to cancel do to some health reasons. Hope everyone has a great time and we hope to join you next year!
Well John, Another excellent blog, you are so funny. You always make me laugh. I am sure you will find something to keep you entertained while Heidi is gone. Can’t wait to read about the DREAM, we booked a balcony room for 12/26/09 but the following year we will cruise with all the kids and grandkids, and am thinking about a cove balcony so looking forward to seeing what it looks like. I’m off to the annual nighttime Christmas parade, since my grandson is in cub scouts and will be marching in the parade. I will definitely take lots of pictures. Have a wonderful Sunday, and do something FUN! Your friends, Mike & Linda
John
it’s “BIRDCAGE”
BIG ED
John, please tell Jennifer in PR (is that public relations or Puerto Rico??? ) that I agree 100%. Despite the fact that I often text my Cruise Critic friend I refuse to tell them I’m ‘gr8′ or that I would ‘c’ them soon. Words mean things and when strung properly together then can cause a dreary day to turn bright, turn a frown into a smile or take one from an office to the deck of a ship at sunset. I know you understand completely.
How much longer will it be before Ms Henshaw bills you for the cat’s food and the litter that it uses??
John, PLEASE convince Alan that he MUST come on the Blogger’s in February. If he refuses you must hijack him straight away and lock him up ’til you leave for NOLA.
I can’t wait for the video of the Dream. She’ll be magnificent. Any chance of getting the amazing Mr. Farcus to give us a sneak peek of the interior design???
Have fun on Queasy Jet and don’t forget to write!!!
Ciao!!!
Host Mach
Good Afternoon John,
Sorry about the added $$ for your good intentions by saving Miss PG. Hopefully the owners will see it and be reunited or someone will adopt the little ball of fur. I still think is was a wonderful thing you did.
I feel your pain with all the beeping. My dishwasher use to do that every time I opened it. I finally had the brilliant idea to check the manual and guess what I could program mine to just shut up!!!!! Blessed quiet.
Love all the descriptions on the Caribbean Islands very informative and fun to read. It’s “Memory Lane”. Thank you.
Take care,
Joan
I guess I need a phone with a keyboard because I am just not good at texting. I watch the kids doing it so fast and I watch people at airports texting but when I try to do it I need to be bleeped because I get so frustrated with it I want to say “like whatever”. I can read text speak I just can’t text it.
AND speaking of Ozzie Osbourne and texting he is in the funniest commerical here in the US–everyone knows that you can’t understand a word he says so he walks into a starbucks type place and orders something and the clerk doesn’t understand him and he asks Ozzie again and after several tries, Ozzie texts the order and likewise with a cab driver and then his psychiatrist–its very, very funny.
Hope Heidi has a good weekend with her Mum.
Men. You are all alike. Helpless. Jo
Hi John!
Sorry you’re having problems with the dreaded beep. Maybe Heid can listen over the phone and tell you what it is.
Great descriptions of Jamaica and Antigua.
Looking forward to EasyJet/Dream stories.
Take care!
David
John,
The way you described txt spk, reminds me of 1984 by George Orwell.
Very creepy.
Dear John How did we get to these modern marvels of some demented quiz-no genius?What happened to the good old days of taking pen and paper in hand to express your deepest thoughts of the one you got wobble knees over in school.What happened to the thing called talking. Can and ipod phone thingy giggle at your expressions of comedy past to your intended.Can you look into a phone thingy and really see the emotions of sincerity illuminating from your special girls eyes.I think not these and many more things are left by the wayside. Thanks to our wonderful modern gadgets.They say thats progress I say buggers!! Best Wishes to Heidi and the girls and John keep your ears to the door.You may hear some interesting gossip.Take care Gary and Bug
John Please Reply!
You were talking about how you can clearly see a Carnival ship in a movie. Well I know this one is not in Miami like you said, but here is another one. In the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua (horrible movie) you can clearly see the Carnival Pride. You can see if for a few minutes in the movie.
John:
I am truly of the old school where ladies wrote long letters with a Mont Blanc pen on perfectly prepared parchment. Writing a letter was an “joyful expression”.
Now they call it “snail mail”.
So I too have had to learn to type. But I refuse to “text”.
Josh is done with finals and this semester of his Junior Year. He has 3 A’s that we know of in Heat Transfer, Organic Chemistry and something called Statics ( not to be confused with Statistics) ??? We are awaiting news about Thermodynamics. He pulled A’s in all his labs.
So he is happy and looking forward to our B2B on the Fantasy January 1st!!
Next semester will be all those courses II and labs. This semester their project team of 3 had to build an air conditioner from scratch. Theirs worked. My idea was a fan blowing over a bucket of ice. Josh did not think that was funny. Their AC worked so well it frosted the piping!!
Their Freshman year they had to build a remote control submarine with a robotic arm for less than $100 and they could not use a kit. Now an AC…what next… a rocket to the Space Station???
Glad it is him and not me…it makes my head hurt just thinking about it.
We look forward to your visit to the Dream. If you would like to take a picture of our Spa Cabin …it will be an Interior Spa Cabin Number 11223!!! (12/03/09) woo hoo!!!!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
John–you are a good soul for taking care of that poor cat and putting the ad in the paper–a lot of people would not have done the good thing like you did!
Good evening John. This blog really opened an angry feeling and that is about the new electical machines. Texting, Yuk. Cell phones, my wife and I don’t and probably never have one. I don’t understand people. The cost of having one is crazy and some people even have more then one. I enjoy my computer but I’m still illiterate in most cases with the computer even though I have my own blog. Interesting isn’t it. The only advantage of them all I guess, is to meet new people. I went into Alan’s blog. It was interesting and just knowing that there are people that can do their job it makes you feel safe. Just like you John. I hope that you will be back home for Christmas with Heidi? Buona notte my friend.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
Dear John: My husband and I have previously sailed the Transatlantic cruise with you aboard the Carnival Freedom. Will you be aboard the Carnival Dream for its first Tranatlantic crossing in October? If you are, we will book immediately.
John;
Don’t do the dishes, problem solved.
Bob
Great Blog, John!
You really had me laughing and I needed a good laugh today. Working retail during the Christmas season is not pleasant. Christmas can bring out the best in people but it can also bring out the worst! And I don’t think I would be exaggerating when I say 4 out of 5 customers today were due a good bollocking. Makes me wonder if the Grinch worked retail before he became a Grinch!
Looking forward to your report on the Dream! (pssst…. don’t forget to take your camera!)
Hello to Heidi and the sweet little Thingy!
Hugs!
Princess Barb
John, since you are home alone, please do not spill wine on the couch again. I hope Heidi put in a supply of toliet paper, I’d hate for you to run out and have to figure out what brand to buy again. lol Oh well surely you can manage to survive for a weekend.
Whatever……
What happened to your pigeon on the bedroom window sill? Has she discovered you are back home and is serenading you in the morning?
How are your Mum and Dad? You haven’t spoken about them recently. Do we change their names to Grandmum and Grandad adter the wee little one is born? Have they decided what they want to be called?
I wanted to be called grandmama when my first born grandaughter was born. I was only 44 y/o and I sure didn’t want to be called granny or nanny or gosh forbid meemaw . So when she finally got around to talking a little she was saying mammaw and papaw for her other grandparents but wasn’t saying grandmama. Finally one day she came out with Mammama pronounced Mam mama ……… She couldn’t pronounce the G in grandmama. So I said I’ll take it and I’ve been Mammama ever since.
Hi Mum and Dad and Suzanne ……….. Merry Christmas
Hugs to you, John and Heidi and the wee little one.
Countess Carolyn
John, you are so right about texting. I do it because it’s the thing to do, but folks must hate getting them from me because in most instances I refuse to use the “language” so mine are so long. I get annoyed when someone tries to have a conversation with me through text. The end result could be accomplished so much easier and quicker through a simple phone call.
Don’t fret about the beeping. Heidi will be home soon and take care of it for you!
Stitch
Countess Carolyn, I wanted to be called Grandma but it ended up as Gaga. Now that the grandkids are 29,25 and 23 that makes it sound as if I’m demented! Oh well, “whatever”.
John, Try to stay out ouf trouble until Heidi gets home and thanks for helping that poor cat. Jeri
John,
The Carnival Holiday is also in a movie set in San Pedro, LA…………the movie is Fast and Furious……the scene where they race across the bridge…….check it out!
Miss ya both
Miguel
kool john can always do a good post
Hi John
Have a safe trip out to see the Dream, need an assistant to hold the camera? Ask the guys if they can have her ready early, so carnival can squeeze in a taster cruise…please. Hope Heidi is keeping well and enjoying her time with her mum.
Take care
Michelle
As someone who writes all day for a living, I can tell you that text speak is quite annoying. Why can’t people learn to write in proper English BEFORE they learn to text. Then I could understand what the heck they were saying without having to consult the interweb dictionary of text speak!
Keep it up John, you have a wonderful knack for storytelling. Wish we could join for a cruise this spring, but my toddler has other plans for my vacation time.
John – help! Topics to address that I thought you might be able to post a blog about. These two came up when I just checked the Kruzmats website (trying to be creative there):
1. What actually takes place on a cruise that includes Christmas? Is there a midnight mass, Christmas morning service, is there caroling, is there a singalong, etc. etc. Does Carnival have a Santa Claus that hands out gifts at Camp Carnival or Club O2? (there’s a mother who did a post who is in a tither because her 15 yo isn’t seeing the cruise as her gift). The other Kruzmats tried to trouble shoot or lend a helping idea or two or three.
2. There is a serious marathon runner who will be cruising but is in training for the Boston and New York marathons. How could they find someone for him to run his ports of call with. I was able to help with an idea for Jamaica but I don’t know about Carnival’s other ports of call.
Can’t wait to see your blogs or responses. Can you believe Christmas is 11 days away! By the way, I hate phones too. Unless it’s an emergency or you have some really good gossip, leave me be please.
John,
(please reply)
This is not a really reply kind of posting, but rather a thank you posting. Randall and I have just returned from our Back to back sailings, on the Carnival Freedom and then the Carnival Splendor. I had asked you to email Ken the Maitre D, about seating us in Martina’s section. Even though Ken was not on the Carnival Splendor when we sailed ( 12/6/08), we were seated in Martina’s section and had a nice reunion with her. I thank you so much for helping us out with this. Randall and I think the world of Martina. Randall could not believe that you made this possible. Thanks again for making our cruise wonderful. By the way, Martina says to tell you hello!
Julie and Randall Mendenahall.
John – I hope you enjoyed your weekend alone. I love it at my house when I am the only one home…..I get to do what I want to do and when I want to do it…..except for the dog and cat who make demands on me……sigh………..
I can’t wait for your reports about the new ships you are going to be visiting.
John – please reply……..have you decided the shore excursion for the Bloggers cruise in Cozumel this February? I know a lot of us are wanting to make plans and are waiting for this announcement. Also, do you know what our dining time will be?
I love the blog!
Lisa
John
Please reply.
We are booked on the Dreams inugrual on September 21st in an Upper deck balcony cabin.What are you thoughts on the design of the outdoor Ocean Plaza being directly underneath,can people walking on the Plaza see onto the balconies above, and what about possible noise issues late at night.
Oh and The Birdcage is one of our favourite films as it reminds us of South Beach and our Caribbean cruises.
Thanks.
Wes and Liz
I think they took advantage of you in regards to placing that ad. You went above and beyond when you paid to take that cat to the vet, you didn’t have to that. But to actually force you to pay for the ad is too much. That was not your responsibility and you should have refused. That just reminds us that you get punished for trying to do the right thing.
As for texting, I think it comes in handy when you are in a situation that you can’t talk on the phone. At work I can receive and answer a quick text without disturbing the people around me. I can still speak and write proper English but the text speak makes life easier. Some people are just afraid of change.
Yes Birdcage does have a nice view of a CCL ship in it, but in continuing with your James Bond theme, watch carefully the newer Casino Royale! When bond arrives in the Bahamas you can clearly see a CCL ship (most likely the Fantasy) docked.
Ever notice that the smoke detectors always seem to start beeping in the middle of the night. They wake you up, you have to go outside to the garage to get a ladder just to reach the thing and then once it is disconnected it will not stop until you replace the battery, because having no battery in it is just as beeeping crazy as having a battery with little life. You hoped that as a hardwired device the electricity alone would keep it from waking you up, but oh no, lets do it at 3 am.
Just one of those beeping pet peeves.
I believe there is also a shot of a Carnival Ship in the kids movie “Snow Dogs”.