I already had told myself that my Easy Jet flight from London to Venice was never going to take off on time. There was more chance of Royal Caribbean calling me saying “Hey John, thanks for all the kind words about our ships, as a reward we want to offer you a job as CD at $50,000 a day, an Aston Martin and Jessica Simpson in a big bowl of Jell-O.”…………However, when I arrived and saw the delayed notice next to my flight number …….I said a very loud “bugger.”
“What’s the problem this time?” I inquired with the world-weary resignedess (yes, that is a word) of someone who has heard it all before. Technical problems? Sheep on the runway? …..”No,” said the 14-year-old behind the check in desk, “The captain got stuck in traffic on the motorway.” I see. Because the hopeless bugger did not set off on his journey on time, I now have to spend god knows how long in an overheated, under staffed departure gate………oh joy.
I had woken this morning at 3:30 am, scraped the ice off my polar bear killing machine and drove the 90 miles to Gatwick….and now because Captain Slow turned over had had a few more minutes under the duvet, my flight was going to be delayed for who knows how long.
I don’t know who you are captain, but I seriously hope you have a fetish for dressing in women’s underwear and your colleagues all find out. I am not a vindictive chap but I hope all your itches are forever unreachable.
So, to keep us happy as we sit here at 6.30 am in the sauna we were all provided with refreshments………well……..refreshments may be an overstatement. We were served a Styrofoam cup of………ummmmm……….hot. I’m not sure what it is…..could be tea, coffee or liquefied yak poo. To accompany this drink we were given breakfast which was a sandwich filled with a piece of ………ummmmm……pink which was thinner than a supermodel’s ear lobe.
Every five minutes an Irish voice comes over the PA system telling us that smoking is strictly forbidden. To my left is an Italian man who looks like every ship bosun I have ever met. Five foot nothing, knarled by years of working outside, and, as I write, he is drilling for gold by inserting his finger so far up his nose that the tip of his whole finger has disappeared. Now, as I sit here bored out of mine a team of cleaners have woken up and decided the floor needs a damn good polish and have broken out the machines which are as I write sucking up bits of paper and, of course, my Italian friend’s boogers.
I am so bored. I have a newspaper but if I read it now I will have bugger all to read on the plane. I am contemplating starting a food fight but with the free sandwiches but the bread was so hard it could have easily taken someone’s head off. OK, the news is that Captain Slow has arrived and we will be taking off in 25 minutes……1 hour and 15 minutes late…….so, time to switch off the raspberry and I will write more from the plane.
Well, here I am on the plane and we have yet to take off. We have been sitting here now for 20 minutes, no announcement and no service. What is staggering is the patience of my fellow passengers. They quietly sat at the airport eating their mystery meat sandwiches, sweating in the sauna like temperatures. They said nothing when they discovered that the reason we hadn’t taken off was that Captain Slow had overslept and now as we sit here and wait for someone to tell us what the hell is going on…..nobody is complaining.
I am sorry to say that we expect the airlines to be late and we expect to receive bad service from them just as we would except to be flogged for having rumpy pumpy in a public area in Dubai.
So, answer me this. Why is it that on ships…..any ship……passengers complain constantly about service that quite honestly most airlines can only dream about providing? OK, no announcement of apology but we have been to told to switch off all electronic thingies……talk to you soon.
Why are so many people flying to Venice, in December, at 6:30 am? The plane is packed. I mean, surely nobody goes to Venice in December for a romantic break…..take a ride in a gondola in December, men, and your pole will freeze.
Traveling with me today is my friend Danny. We met sometime ago and, since our meeting, he has become a great friend and a Platinum Carnival guest. He is also a Carnival shareholder and owns a successful security company providing ex-service personnel to companies all over the world. He is a self-made man, funny and very, very ugly.
I thought it might be nice for him to see the ships while still in the building process.
Anyway, I want to mention something which has been on my mind. I had an e-mail from a cruise director whom for obvious reasons I shall not name. In the email he told me how distraught he was about some comments he had read about him on the Cruise Critic boards.
Now, let me say straight away that I am a huge fan of Cruise Critic because amongst other things, it is, like this blog, a site where personal opinions can openly discuss…… may that never change. Anyway, this string of comments included some quite horrific personal attacks, including one person who upon seeing the CD schedule I recently posted wrote that they were going to cancel their cruise so as not to have this person as their cruise director. Yet, on the same string of comments were guests who loved this CD and thought him to be one of the very best.
And that’s what I told him to concentrate on. You can never please all the people all of the time. I am humbled when people tell me I am their favorite CD yet I know there are many who would rather put a flock of scorpions in their underwear than sail with me.
That’s the business we are in. When you throw yourself into the public eye you must expect to be judged and sometimes criticized. However, you can imagine how reading these personal attacks can be quite distressing. Anyway, I have hopefully put his mind at rest and he can continue doing the brilliant job he does.
It’s hard to write as the plane is going through turbulence and we are up and down like Paris Hilton on a Saturday night. The Easyjet staff are mincing up and down the isle offering us more plastic cups full of hot ……ummmmm……stuff…….and more bread with pink. Only this time……..we have to pay…….it seems they aren’t selling bugger all…….I wonder why…….$8 for a cup of hot seems fair!
I am going to switch off now and will write more later tonight.
One last thing before I go. Last night was the final of our version of American Idol. It’s called The X Factor. During the show Simon Bowel told one finalist that “This program had saved her from performing on cruise ships like all washed out entertainers and mediocre performers.”
Mediocre……..I wish one day he would drag his cruel, money-grabbing arse up our gangways to see one of our shows featuring washed out performers and mediocre entertainers……..and after he has apologized to every cruise ship performer I will take him for a tour of the propellers.
Cheers
Your friend
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
John, we thought about you last night as we watched “Sharks in Venice”. Please stay off the gondolas and water taxis.
I’m sure you have received at least one offer from RCL to jump ships over the last few years. They can’t be that dumb to not have.
Waiting to see the DREAM.
BIG ED
Loooool!
“tour of the propellors” I like it.
Reminds me of another euphemism…
A year or so back a retired army guy was talking to John Humphries on Radio 4 about some military cock-up. He said he thought the officer in question “would probably be invited up to the Ministry of Defence for a chat without coffee”!
Dear John It does sound like your having a hellrific day.It can only get better from here.Tell the CD the good lord couldn’t please everyone so why should he think he can.You do the best you know how and hope for the best.Best wishes to all Gary and Bug p.s.John tis the season to be jolly.
John, maybe the airline captain was delayed by some last minute rumpy pumpy. We have all used that “delayed in traffic” excuse before.
As a member of Cruise Critic and supporter of free speach I respect others rights to post negative reviews. That does not mean I give a rats arse about their comments or even respond to them.
Some CD’s have had a huge impact on our cruise experiance, like Big Tex and Goose (we have not sailed with you before but will soon n NOLA). While other CD’s may of played a lesser role. That does not mean I will run to CC and trash the CD or the cruise line.
Tell you colleages that opinions are like A-holes, everyone has one. Some just smell more that others.
John,
As a member of Cruise Critic I would like to apologize for the rude comments of some of my fellow members. I am still rather new to the world of blogs and discussion boards. But I have noticed that some people are outright mean.
Personally, CDs don’t affect my cruise at all. I can only remember my last CD (Ralph) because I cruised last month. Although I enjoyed him and his kilts, having a different CD would not have made the cruise any different. Since I usually camp for vacations and have to entertain myself, I’m happy when anyone tries to entertain me.
Kathy
John:
As a regular poster on Cruise Critic (14,000+ posts…I know, I have no life) I try to remind our fellow cruisers that no Cruise Director is going to “gel” with every passenger.
That is just logistically (humanly) impossible.
I also remind them that much of what a Cruise Director does is done “behind the scenes”.
So if your scheduled activities are plentiful and go off flawlessly … if there is an extra spark in the “Entertainment Staff” (as the Social Hosts are now called) …. if the Past Cruiser’s Party made your son “beam” (as DJ did when Todd was so kind to him to let him announce his 27 Carnival Cruises)….then you have a Cruise Director to thank for that.
If you run across one whose “on stage performance” is not perfect….cruisers need to get a clue that “their job performance” at work every day is not perfect either.
If their voice is not as “pleasing as a cruiser would like”… I would bet my next “back to back” that I can find someone to say the same thing about the cruiser.
Almost 30 cruises with Carnival, as a family, there is only one Cruise Director with whom I will not sail again and that is only because he failed to do the one thing (Funship Freddie Schedule) that makes it possible for DJ to cruise and literally made DJ feel uncomfortable the entire cruise.
This CD literally acted like he could not be bothered with any of the passengers… much less a special needs child.
Believe me, I will take an “off day on the stage” or an “irritating voice” any time!!!!
But here again…those are not bad odds. Considering the large number of Cruise Directors we have sailed with….odds tell you ..there is always going to be one! I can live with that.
Speaking of DJ…. here is his Joke of the Day ..
What did the pirate say when he saw Paris Hilton walking along the beach, through his ship’s telescope?
(wait for it)
LAND HO!!!!
Safe travels John!!!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
Hi John
I so look forward to your future Blog of Dream.
Unemployment is driveing me bonkers!
I need to Dream of Dream.
Thank’s
Ray
John! Once again I had to comment on this one. Welcome to my life. Airports are my second home, I know all the flight attendents by name and vice-versa. My secret weapon is that I just listen to music on my I-pod through the whole ordeal, it’s a good buffer. Anyway congrats on the “thingy” coming your way, and Happy Holidays to you and Heidi! ———”Carnival’s (only) Ambassador of Swing.”
John,
good job with telling that CD to focus on the positive from cruisecritic.com. i have to tell you that i just got off the Glory with Bruce Begovich as the CD and he is absolutely hilarious. he was great. i will admit that i was alittle concerned going on the ship with him as CD because i was on the Glory last year with Wee Jimmy and i had loved him but i love Bruce just as much.
Hope all is well with Heidi and the Thingy.
Jen
John Lighten up, you have no choice but to travel by plane, so take the delays like a man, after all haven’t you experienced cruise passengers who complain about everything that is useless to complain about and which cannot be helped, so in your case being a flyer, you know there are delays so just take it in your stride – no use in complaining as it does no one any good, think about it! That’s why I hate flying. Have a safe trip and hopefully your pilot doesn’t fall asleep at the wheel – just kidding!!!!!!!!!! Linda
Hi John,
Such a long raspeberry blog! I’ve just been catching up with the blog thingys since Friday.
Yes the movie was “The BirdCage”, but the ship was the Ecstasy.
Thank you so much for all you did for Pussy Galore. As an adopted mother to 2 rescued, abused cats (plus a 3rd that has passed away), I applaud you. And that payback sounded like a good idea.
John, I can distinctly remember being 3 years old & bringing my new baby sister home from the hospital. I can remember specific details, like my mother stretching out her arms to me, and being in a taxi going home with my grandmother holding the baby (and of course the big doll I got as a present and walking in to see the baby). Seriously, I have an excellent memory.
If it hadn’t been for Capt. Stubing & the Love Boat, I probably would not have thought about taking a cruise. I think the episode that did it was the 2-hr. episode that cruised to Alaska. That started it, and then thank you Kathie Lee, I’m on the Fun Ships.
Have a good trip – can’t wait to hear & see about the Dream – my cabin is on Lido Deck, Port Side Balcony across from the Atrium & elevators. How’s it coming?
Take care,
Carol
Hi John,
I remember reading that CD thread on cruisecritic. All I can say is what I preach on the piano bar thread… different strokes for different folks. You’re absolutely right that no performer or CD is going to please everyone. Although the more personal attacks drive me bonkers.
To the cruisers reading and posting I always say not to write someone or something off just because of someone else’s opinion. Give yourself a chance to form your own opinion. The old “Try it you might like it” mom-ism.
I nearly didn’t practice what I preached. I listened to what a couple of people had to say about a particular entertainer. Then I realized that I was going in with my judgment pre-formed. So I adjusted my attitude and went to the piano bar and… I had a great time. The entertainer and I totally clicked. If I had stuck with my pre-formed ideas, I would have missed out on a good time and a new friend.
By the same token, I always tell the entertainers that CruiseCritic is a place for people to express their opinions, good and bad. The people who post there are not professional reviewers and they are speaking only from their own personal experiences/expectations. And I can safely say that every entertainer and CD has taken hits on that site as well as garnering praise. Any time you do something that puts you in the public eye, you have to have a thick skin.
That piano bar entertainer I nearly missed out on? Turns out he was as wary of me as I was of him because of the CruiseCritic connection and stuff he had read about himself on there. He’s looking at it a little differently now I hope.
So you were absolutely right to tell them to focus on the positive ones.
I mean, if I had never sailed with you I might have gone on believing all the people who posted saying that you are the Best Cruise Director in the World! But now that I’ve sailed with you, I know better!
LOL! Just kidding!
All the best to the lovely Heidi and of course the lovely, interactive and illustrious Mistress of the Blog, Stephanie.
Cheerios,
Laura (aka divetrash, aka Princess Laura, the piano bar party princess of Big Ed’s Evil Krewe)
John -
I will say it again – anyone who let’s a CD make or break their cruise does not understand how to cruise. It is that simple.
MTSFP
Cruise Critic is a great forum for information but I have also found it is an area where there is much “bashing” in one manor or other on various topics.
I was amazed that on the Splendor Thanksgiving cruise there were almost as many different opinions on the ship, food, staff, ports, captain (this one I found extremely funny because it was so stupid–the ship was rocking and rolling because the captain was racing to get to San Juan–if he had not been going so fast, it wouldn’t have been so rough and people would not have gotten sick). OMG, that topped everything I think I’ve ever read! I agree with MTSFP–if a Cruise Director makes or breaks your cruise–you don’t know how to cruise! As far as Simon Bowell is concerned–he constantly makes those references about cruise ships on the show here as well–I dare him to see Vroom and say that–I don’t claim to be an expert but that show was as good as any I have ever seen even on Broadway!
Can’t wait for the report on the Dream–booked for 4-3-10 with the grandkids again and looking at the transatlantic for me! Ok, flying any airline anymore is truly abuse and it is awful that is the only way to get most places anymore–I used to say get there quickly but its not even quick now.
Can’t wait for the photos from your flip thingy. Hope Heidi had a good weekend with mum and you were able to find the beep.
We have always enjoyed the entertainment on our Carnival cruises. What does this Simon person know anyway? I believe Jennifer Hudson performed on cruise ships before American Idol. Didn’t she win an Oscar, Simon?
That overheated airport lounge sounds good to me right now. It’ +6 here in Illinois today. Can’t wait til our cruise Jan.31.
Speaking of CD’s John, is the Vance you sometimes refer to in corporate meetings the same Vance Palm who was once CD on the old Holiday?. He was a Hoot!
John,
I feel your pain about flying! My experience gets worse every time I fly; especially when flying home from a cruise. The wonderful service I receive on any Carnival ship just makes the treatment from whatever airline I’m flying with seem even worse. After being treated like royalty on board, it is so hard to transition to being treated like cattle at the airport.
Melissa
John, first, let me apologize to the cruise director who was criticized on Cruise Critic. It seems that the anonymity of the internet makes some people unnecessarily cruel. Additionally, negative comments seem to get the most attention. There may be five hundred positive things said about an individual and two negative things and those two will be touted as being gospel. What a shame.
We hold the staff of a cruise ship to an incredibly high, almost impossibly high, standard and let so many other industries slide accepting terrible service as the norm. If every industry treated customers the way the cruise lines do there would be no global financial crisis. There would only be happy people content in the knowledge that they’re dealing with the best and brightest.
Here’s hoping that I never have to fly Queasy Jet… and that you never have to again.
Please say howdy to Heidi and the Thingy for me and tell Stephanie that she’s entirely remarkable.
Ciao!!!
Host Mach
Hi John:
Sorry to hear about your flight issues, but at least you knew what you were in store for several days ago when you announced you were traveling EasyJet.
Danny is a lucky guy getting to go on this tour with you. I would like to hear what he has to say.
Thanks for posting and take care!
David
John…
TOO funny! My blog the week before last was entitled.. Were We On The Same Ship?
http://www.cruisemates.com/blog/20081204346/ship/
And it talked almost exactly about the things you were talking about in todays blog. I discussed an “airplane event” I just experienced, and the passengers non reaction, and what they’d have done if it happened on a ship.
And I discussed the issues that can arise when people take what they look at as “their internet assignments” too seriously, and just want to be critics rather than share information.
Thankfully those types are the vast minority… but they do get to me when I see them.
Most want to share info… both good and bad with their fellow cruisers…. which is more the real purpose of CruiseMates, Cruise Critic and others.
Regards,
Kuki
CruiseMates.com
Dear John what was our surprise you said you had for us on our cruise on the triumph because we did not get it
your friend
Denver & janice Hartman
I would imagine that most people that cruise have little or no direct interaction with the cruise director and as such basing potential enjoyment of cruise on one particular staff member is complete lunacy. To those buffoons making such comments …..get a frakkin clue.
Lots of opinions flying around on various boards…. Everyone has one ….and as I like to think….. other people’s impressions are fairly insignificant since the only opinion that really matters is mine.
But some of the comments get outright callous.
Perhaps the persons posting such disparaging personal condemnations may have had a Frenchman using their sink as a urinal that day.
The Flying (no peeing on my Cheerios) Dutchman
John,
Belated HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MERRY CHRISTMAS and Happy Holidays to both you and Heidi (and the Thingy) and to all your blogging buddies.
As for me, I prefer flying first and cruising last than cruising first and flying last. All the bad flying experiences are forgotten as soon as the ship sails away.
Amor & Lou
I feel sorry for those who cruise to find faults and be miserable (and even get depressed) rather than to have FUN. Jon (MTSFP) is right. Only the cruisers can make or break their cruise.
Amor
I’m going to give your CD associate a little different advice. You’ll learn a lot more from complaints then from praise. Read the complaints most carefully. What are they about? If they don’t give anything particular i.e. “I didn’t like the CD” or “the CD stunk”, ignore them. If they give a particular, but it’s not anything you can do anything about, “The dining room doen’t have my favorita soda, so the CD stunk,” ignore it. Now that we’re down to people who have a complaint that you can do something about and we’ve probably cut out 95% of the messages, look at it very carefully. Some of them your going to have to do the balancing act. If 1 person says you’re not funny and 999 say you are, it’s no problem If it’s the other way around, you need to steal some better jokes or your delivery needs work. The ones in between the two extremes, are the fun ones. Other things will be balancing time and staff. If you’re getting complaints that you don’t have enough trivia games, but you don’t have enought staff to do more, what do you do? The person who posted above with the special needs child and the Funship Freddy schedule, it may have been that they didn’t know when they were going to be having Freddy at an event due to staffing issues and so couldn’t have provided a schedule. In that case an explanation to the parent could have made her feel that at least her needs had been heard. In summary, look at each complaint and see if it’s worth a piece of your most precious asset, time, to do something about it.
Enjoy
John, I’ve sailed with that cruise director several times. He does just fine, I’ve enjoyed having him as a cruise director, and I’m sorry to hear that he was upset by the CC thread. I know that he reads the site – he’s mentioned it on board the ship.
You know, I get a lot of helpful information from Cruise Critic and similar sites, but over the past year I’ve started to participate less and less in the ongoing discussion. Maybe it’s a sign of the times both economic and political but these days it seems like the default mood is one of barely-concealed hostility. There’s enough mean-spiritedness in the real world that I can’t avoid, I don’t need it online too.