There have been many engineering breakthroughs in the past few years that I suspect may have slipped under your radar. A couple of Dutch boffins, for instance, have developed a new kind of fabric that could be used as a television screen. So pretty soon you’ll be able to watch Grey’s Anatomy on my underpants. Then we have the American satellite that can spot rainfall and vegetation growth on a farm in Texas. As a result, farmers there will be able to bring some shock and awe to the locust breeding grounds before the insect rumpy pumpy even takes place.

Best of all, we have the thingy on your cell phone. Dial a number, hold the phone against a speaker and within 30 seconds, for just nine cents, you’ll be sent a text saying what the song is and who the song is by. So now you can wave goodbye to the misery of trying to find out what it was you heard on the radio by attempting to sing it to your friends. “You must have heard it. It’s brilliant. It goes ner ner ner de dum dum on the beach.”

All of these have gone unnoticed because of the doom and gloom provided by Fannie Crunch and Credit Mae……Yet, in the face of all the gloom and doom there is something on the horizon…….something that will turn the frowns of credit that crunches upside down……….and her name is……Jessica Simpson …….. bugger ….. sorry ……I meant to say her name is …………the Carnival Dream.
(more…)

It’s been a strange a wonderful day. First of all………….let’s talk about the strange ………… this may be slightly
controversial…………and I truly don’t mean to upset anyone but, as always, have to speak my mind.

This morning we were in the hospital. There sitting in the waiting room were an openly gay couple (they spent the entire time kissing each other and nibbling ears and things) which was fine. I have many, many great and wonderful gay friends and although I joke with them as I do everyone and everything, it is done with care and respect.
(more…)

Hello Everyone

I am sure all of you have been enjoying the brilliant Eurodamnews.com blog. The current author of this fantastic look behind the crew only door of the Holland America flagship is of course the incomparable Captain Mercer. So, I thought you might like to know more about him and therefore I proudly welcome to the blog the Master of the Eurodam and future Pulitzer prize winning journalist……………..Captain Mercer.

(more…)

Last night while waiting for Heidi’s delayed Easy Jet flight from Amsterdam to London Stanstead Airport to arrive……which it did…………..1 hour and 15 minutes late …………. Easy Jet my arse……anyway, while I was waiting I saw two grown men fighting — and when I say fighting I mean punching, kicking and scratching…………….over a parking space. As I parked my car, I saw someone drive straight into another space even though it was obvious that the other chap had been waiting for it……..and that was a cue for a good old fight. Did I jump out of the car and try and stop them?…. ummmmm …….. nope.

When I was at school and in my teens I was viewed as a bit of a girl by some of my classmates because I thought it was possible to have a good night out without shoving someone’s head through a window. The problem is that if you shove someone’s head through a shop window they will be very angry with you.
(more…)

It’s nativity play time again at schools across the country…….or at least those that are still allowed to do it and have not canceled them in case they upset certain individuals with the story of Christmas.

We were invited to join some friends to see their son Carl (aged 5) perform in his part as the inn keeper this afternoon………and because Heidi (who returns tonight from Holland) has our Thingy in her tummy and her emotions are dominated by anything to do with kids……she excepted on my behalf………and that was me…………at a school ………. watching 5- and 6-year-olds perform.
(more…)

It’s 6 pm and I am exhausted. I have walked the length and depth of two huge ships in the pouring rain and freezing temperatures. But…….I feel exuberant……like I just discovered that Jessica Simpson is waiting for me at home wearing a nurse’s uniform and holding a thermometer.
(more…)

I already had told myself that my Easy Jet flight from London to Venice was never going to take off on time. There was more chance of Royal Caribbean calling me saying “Hey John, thanks for all the kind words about our ships, as a reward we want to offer you a job as CD at $50,000 a day, an Aston Martin and Jessica Simpson in a big bowl of Jell-O.”…………However, when I arrived and saw the delayed notice next to my flight number …….I said a very loud “bugger.”

“What’s the problem this time?” I inquired with the world-weary resignedess (yes, that is a word) of someone who has heard it all before. Technical problems? Sheep on the runway? …..”No,” said the 14-year-old behind the check in desk, “The captain got stuck in traffic on the motorway.” I see. Because the hopeless bugger did not set off on his journey on time, I now have to spend god knows how long in an overheated, under staffed departure gate………oh joy.
(more…)

Women communicate in the strangest of ways. Heidi is constantly texting her friends …….what they are talking about I have no idea. To men…………texting is a tool for abuse; “u ok u fat bastard?”

Oh, and for passing on jokes of poor taste. This used to be the job of truck drivers who would spread the jokes across the country……they have lost their jobs to texting.
I have learned to hate the phone over the years, especially while on vacation. If the office in Miami wants me they will e-mail or call my raspberry. Therefore, if the land line rings………..I refuse to answer it.
(more…)

A friend of mine, one of the ship’s doctors, once told me a story that he assured me was true, which had unfolded in a hospital in Australia where he was working. A patient, a sheep farmer, was having his bottom examined by a specialist who, after a long look, stood up and said, “You really need to see a vet.” The farmer was outraged by this apparent attempt to introduce levity into what, for him, was an episode of some discomfort and huge embarrassment, and grabbed my friend by the neck and was about to beat the crap out of him…….when the doctor stated that the specialist had, in fact, been referring him to the bottom specialist doctor………..Yvette.

There’s no doctor story as funny as a really funny vet story, a truth that James Herriot mined so successfully. I loved his books as a kid and I am sure many of you may have seen the All Creatures Great and Small TV series on PBS. In fact, at one point I considered becoming a vet right up to the point when I failed biology, chemistry and physics and I realized I was as thick as a piece of 2 by 4…………bugger.
(more…)

Apparently, the jails here in the UK are over crowded and, therefore, our Prime Minister Gordon Bush has decided that he will grant early release for hundreds of “white collar” criminals who will be able to return to their fraudulently purchased homes to make way for the murderers.

Honestly, the jail system here is ludicrous and today, I had to go to jail myself. Well ……..I had to go to the courthouse to sign a form and give proof that I worked abroad and would not, therefore, be available for jury duty.
(more…)