Hello Everyone,
I am so sorry this blog is late and rather shorter than normal. My internet provider decided to fail meaning BT stood for Bastard Technology. Anyway, after hours of being on hold listening to the music of Burt Bacarack the nice man from the Indian call center fixed the problem. So, its 11.00pm and let me just tell you about my day.
What’s the worst thing about airports? I mean, apart from obvious stuff such as the minging (www.urbandictionary.com) toilets, the long lines, paying $9 for a cheese sandwich, the fear of dying and when the check-in lady asks if you packed your case yourself, having to fight a childish urge to reply: “Do I look like I’ve got a butler you idiot?” No, the worst thing is other passengers. This morning I drove my mate Danny to the airport for his flight to Brussels, Belgium and as always I came away with a sense of doom……….I hate airports.
I stood with Danny as he checked his bag at the British Airways desk and I was reminded how just once when asked by the 14 year old check in girl “did you pack your own bags” I have wanted to reply “Do I look like I have a friggin butler……… you idiot?” …………… and then I have to remind myself that they are just doing their job.
I hate the fact that “they” won’t let you on a plane until they’ve ruined your laptop, and half a dozen spaniels have had a good rummage round your shoes. Most of all I hate the two hour check in rule. Danny’s flight lasts 55 minutes. So why the two-hour check-in rule? It has been a source of massive marital stress in my house. Heidi insists on being there when asked, whereas I think 45 minutes is plenty.
I like to check in last, on the basis that the final bags to be loaded into the hold will be the first off at the other end, and I like to be greeted by a flight attendant on the plane who tuts a lot and looks at her watch.
And here’s the thing………. I’ve never missed a plane.
Deep down, I’ve always suspected that the two-hour rule is nothing more than airport authorities using the current “world we live in” as a means of getting us into their giant shopping malls for an extra hour so we can spend more on currency converters, Starbucks and inflatable pillows.
My wife, who as I write has started packing my suitcases, says I’m a moaner and I should wear a T-shirt that says “Grumpy Old Man” or “Born To Moan.” So, okay then. If security remains the same and it has nothing to do with pre-flight retail therapy, why? Why does anybody think it takes two hours to walk from one side of a building to the other? Does it perhaps have something to do with obesity? Are we all now so enormous that we move at the pace of an earth mover? But with all the moving walkways at airports, I hardly think this is it.
So why? In two hours, they could unpack and rebuild all the electrical appliances in my suitcase, perform keyhole surgery in my arse, do deep searches on all my relations to make sure none of my family have degrees in bomb making from the University of Afghanistan and there’d still be enough time left to buy a $9 cheese sandwich and a copy of People magazine.
I suspect the answer may well be found by examining the class system. If you fly first or business, they tell you the check-in takes 60 minutes. It’s only people in cattle class who are asked to get there two hours before the plane’s due to leave.
On the face of it, this seems silly. Club-class people still have to get a boarding pass. Their bags still have to get to the plane. And don’t say the single fast-track lane moves any faster than the 400 channels for ordinary people because I assure you it doesn’t.
So why should a club-class passenger be capable of getting to the plane in an hour when people in the back need two? Are airport authorities suggesting that people at the back can’t read direction signs properly and get lost a lot? Are they saying people in thrifty cannot walk past a burger joint without being overwhelmed with a need to stuff their faces with a McThingy? Are we to understand that the less well-off cannot tell the time? ….well, sorry but that’s just bollocks.
Anyway, the main reason I write today about airports is because that while at London Gatwick this morning I read the signs informing passengers about something new that will no doubt cause even more confusion. The signs stated that starting on February 1 in British Airports a speedy X-ray body scanner will be used at security. This machine penetrates clothing to create an image that exposes whether someone has a hand grenade up their bottom. The European Commission is proposing to allow airports to use the devices from 2010. Queues will be shortened drastically, leaving you more time to browse in Sunglasses Hut.
But are we happy about this? Is there a “threat to personal dignity especially for celebrities?” Yes, there are “real fears” that pictures of, say, Paris Hilton passing through the scanner may end up being posted on the internet. She can’t be persuaded to wear knickers anyway, especially when climbing out of cars in short dresses at 2 am.
I guess the only way to fly then is on your own private jet. Check-in time is one minute before the scheduled departure. Or one hour afterwards, if you can’t be bothered to get up. It doesn’t really matter because all you have to do is show your passport to a man and you will soon be on board in a big swivelly seat, wondering whether to have champagne or go straight for the in-flight lap dance.
Actually, there is another way of course and that’s learn to be a pilot and fly yourself. ……..I could never do that. Apart from having the map reading ability of a jellyfish there is another reason I would never like to learn to fly………….You have to talk in a stupid code, saying “over” when you’ve finished speaking for the moment and “out” when you’ve finished altogether. Why? When I ring the plumber or my friend PA in his cubicle at Carnival HQ, I am able to convey the nature of my request perfectly well using English………… So why when I’m in a plane do I have to talk in code?
“Hello, it’s John here. Is it alright to land?” is a much easier way of saying, “Chicago Tower, this is Foxtrot Uniform Victor Tango on 9153.953 requesting a southern approach to runway 49er.”
But private pilots love all this sort of stuff. They love doing utterly pointless preflight checks, tapping dials and making sure that a bunch of beavers didn’t come in the night and chew through all the wires.
Nope…………like you I am stuck with regular flying and I am sure that this means there will be plenty of more stories for the blog. Regarding the bloggers cruise, we are privileged to have a group of amazingly talented journalists joining us for this great adventure. Last year they agreed to take part in a Q and A session as bloggers tapped into their experiences of travel and their opinions on the cruise industry. Well……..they have agreed to do so again and we all look forward to that event in February.
Although I detest eating in the airport, I don’t think I could ever run a restaurant. It’s not that I haven’t thought of it. I even know exactly what it would look like – a mish-mash of old wooden furniture, roaring log fires, cozy red walls and a cigar smoking area ……….. still have not had one by the way. I actually think it would be quite a nice place. I’d call it something stupid like “Hamilton’s or Prime Rib and Spotted Dick.”
I wouldn’t need one of those fancy French chef’s who speaks like Inspector Clouseau just as Carnival don’t. Our chef’s along with the support of the shoreside team are worthy of awards and anyone who has watched Carnival grow over the years will know just how far we have come.
On my to the airport this morning my friend Danny asked me what ringtone I had on my Raspberry. “Bugger off,” I told him. “The one it came with. Do I look like the sort of person who cares what noise his phone makes?”
Sadly, however, I was protesting too much. In fact I’m a compulsive fiddler, never really happy with anything for more than five minutes. Which means that secretly, and rather embarrassingly, I change the ringtone on Raspberry all the time. It was a 24 eeh eeh eehooh, and then it was the first few bars of Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water, and now it’s a sort of soft and unobtrusive pinging noise. So soft and unobtrusive, in fact, that I only know when it’s ringing when the dog next door starts to bark.
However……….I have stopped paying for new ring tones because of the credit crunch …………..my economics teacher would have been so proud of me. He never liked me but I was fascinated by him.
That’s because at school he never really shook himself properly after a trip to the toilet. This meant that instead of listening to his endless boring lectures, I sat there, transfixed by the growing splotch of darkness on the front of his trousers.
This meant I was never tempted to leave school and get a job in a bank. And better still, because I learnt about the importance of taking care while in the lavatory, I have never once been caught by the ship’s guests with an embarrassing trouser stain. I wonder though what my economics teacher would say about the credit crunch.
Politicians, bankers and the press tell us there will be absolute chaos: riots, lynchings, starvation. It’ll be a world without power or fuel, and with no fuel there’s no way the modern agricultural system can be maintained. Which means there will be no food either.
Could he have foreseen the day when I will have to shoot some of my neighbors as we fight for the last packet of hot dogs at the local supermarket?
I do not agree with these theories and when it comes to the question of business I rely instead on my very limited common sense. For instance: if you have a product that people want to buy, you will do well. If it is too expensive, or ugly, then you will not …….. which is why Carnival consistently is named a best value in cruising…………it’s fun ……… brilliant value for money…………………….. and you don’t have to pay for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich………………………. The end.
Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and The Thingy
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
post another cruise director schedual……it was a realy good tool for me so please do it agaain, and again, and again, and again so we can tell who our upcoming cruise directors will be. thanks
zack
You know John, I’m facsinated with airports. The hustle and bustle of an everyday airport with its different things that go on together all at the same time. I like watching the different people as they move throughout the terminal some moving fast as a bullet while others like a snail. Since I don’t fly often, only once a year flying to my cruise ship destination, usually Ft. Lauderdale, Every year it seems that they change the airport rules even though it is me that is probably changing. I agree with on one thing, there are so many things that you can literally buy before your flight. I agree with your wife on one thing. I have to be there very early even though I don’t have to. There is a clock in me that makes me feel nervous that if I’m not there early, I might miss my flight even though that is ridiculous but it’s me. One thing I appreciate is because I have a problem of walking and I use a cane, these people treat me well and I appreciate it very much. One thing though, when they constructed a plane they forgot that being in a tube the air fluctuation is poor at times if not many times. You’d think that after putting a man on the moon they could figure out how to create a system of fresh air. As you can see my friend I’m preparing to fly in two weeks to Ft. Lauderdale to go to Miami to gone a cruise on the Valor. Hey that’s right, I might see you there. Fantastic. Good night John.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
John , was wondering who is cruise director on Liberty this month / parents may be going on a cruise and They are looking at sailing on the Liberty.
John-please reply.
I asked you a few weeks ago for suggestions on what I could do for my daughter and son-in-law’s cruise on the Fantasy January 15. I decided to have their cabin decorated. Thanks for the suggestions. You also told me to get back in touch with you a week before their cruise so I am doing that! Their names are Julie & Chris Carroll and they are in cabin M227.
I will be taking my 18th cruise on Carnival also on the Fantasy on March 30. It is because of people like you that I keep coming back to Carnival!
Thanks John for all you do!
Pam
Good night, John!
Even though I’ve spent my entire adult life as a professional pilot I HATE flying on the airlines for many of the same reasons as you.
Unlike you, my phones go ‘ring ring’ rather than ‘God Save the Queen’ or something a bit more boisterous by Quiet Riot. ‘Ring ring’… that’s all…
I don’t often wander over to the ‘I’m-better-than-you of The Seas’ forum but the wailing and gnashing of teeth over the new opportunities to pay have folks rather piqued. Perhaps the value of Carnival will get them on board and then the quality of the service and the beauty of the ships will keep them.
All in all it’s been a long day and I understand your level of frustration…
My best to Heidi and the Thingy!!!
Ciao, my friend!!!
Host Mach
was also wondering are you thinking of names other than thingy – case all us bloggers could vote on names . There are those names people really should not name their children and there are rules to follow
1. no picking names while stoned . ( big mistakes made during the seventies )
2. naming your children after plants .
3. Naming them after movie stars . How many Elvis’s can there be that have no talent or look like he did.
4. Naming them with names that can made into jokes . just watch Austin Powers .
i am sure there are books out there – like naming your baby for Dummies .
There are many good names to select from and many reasons we name our kids the names we do , but sometimes parents are just not thinking of the child . That child has to eventually go to school and , the kids need all the help they can get to survive past 5th grade .
yes it would be nice to know the selections you are mulling around.
John,
You need to get back on a ship and soon.
John,
Here is living proof that you don’t even have to be the one flying to come out of the experience with a story! I feel the same as you do about being asked if you packed your own bags–HELLO–would I be standing in line with the rest of the common folk if I could afford my own plane, or afford to have someone else pack my bag? You are too funny! Thanks for the laughs!
Sheryl
Its hard to believe that next week is the middle of the month already and you will be flying–again. And I must start packing for the Splendor and my flight on 1-31-09 and I’m trying hard to figure out how to pack for 31 days and two seasons in 2 bags under 50 lbs. I think I need help–can I borrow Heidi for a little while? Ok, this is a crisis and Grey’s is on so goodnight John, Heidi and Baby.
JOHN PLEASE ANSWER:
Good evening!
My family just got of the Inspiration. We had a great time, but we did have one MAJOR problem that I need to talk with someone about.
Can you direct me to someone??? Thanks!
Hi John,
Our internet crashed today as well. You got to speak to a real person…us, we had to stay on the phone for over 30 minutes going through our provider’s “let us help you automated system.” Although the problem was solved, it still seemed frustrating not being able to speak with someone.
Another wonderful blog!
Hey John, I hope this messages finds you and Heidi and the thingy doing well. I just had a few questions about the seaside theatre. Which ships currently have it and which ones are scheduled to? My wife and I had our honeymoon on the Glory and it didn’t have one however we were told it was getting one this summer. We have been on a ship before that had one and loved it and loved watching the movies at night. We want to make sure our next cruise has one.
Carnival lifer
Since the Duke and I are already in West Palm Beach, we don’t have to go through any airport to get to the Valor THIS Sunday! But since we are both pilots, we actually don’t mind the airports, except for having to arrive so early.
Our best to you and Heidi.
Duchess Sandy and Duke Dick in FL
John,
I think i hate airports about as much as you and the rest of the planet do today I had the pleasure of going to the TSA screener before the inspection area handing over my paperwork and ID for inspection he look at it me and then said have a nice trip so i put the stuff away. Got on the line for the x-ray machine took off my shoes belt watch jacket sweater and dumped it all in a bucket that if a x-ray machine could tell if i had a bomb of a cheese sandwich would be impressive to walk through the x-ray machine and have another tsa person ask to see all the crap the first one looked at only 3 minutes ago. I produced the documents again. Walked passed and went to wait for my bags to come out from the machine. Then a shoe poped out, then my belt half way then my jacket then a bucket of stuff from my pockets. Problem where was the other shoe ? Yep the machine ate it. in the course of 30 seconds it ate my nike air. I waited and waited and then asked the person sitting on her stool that was affixed to her butt with crazy glue. umm my other shoe never came out. and to this she responds “Sir please don’t talk to me, speak to someone on the line.” So i wait and ask the person on line very politely i might say ” Mame, my other shoe did not appear is it stuck in the machine?” To this is get ” Ask her she run’s the machine not me.” Back to Mrs. Stoolupherbummachinelady, ” Mame she said to ask you to look for it” To this is get ” Male for hand inspection!” And a man walking over to me saying right this way sir. So i say to him sure as soon as my other shoe is produced you my violate my person with your latex covered hand. And he says well sir are you sure you had two shoes and not one? Now because i know exploding in a bararge of curse words will only get my no lube for the anal probe I say yes i put them in the box together and everything came out in pieces. And so he walks around the back of the machine and asks Mrs. Stoolupherbummachinelady if there is a shoe in the machine still. Her response was priceless ” Do i look like i would know if there is a shoe in there?? I just watch the screen that’s all i get paid to do. And so off we went one shoe missing probably about to be disposed of because it was a nike left alone. So off we went behind the smoked screen where he checked everything i owned like he couldn’t tell it was right guard and not C-4 with a fresh scent. Once he and his latex hands were satisfied that I didn’t have a thermal nuclear bomb up my butt next to my WOMD hand book. I asked so my other shoe any idea, and with that back we went to Mrs. Stoolupherbummachinelady . Who was now eatting a Mc-Lard Sandwich with one hand and staring at people’s stuff with her eyes. To have her say oh yes we had a shoe turn up we turned it over to security to be disposed of. So then 15 pages of paperwork about this to get either my shoe or the money to replace it when i turn 80 years old back. Nike I will miss you because i know right now Mrs. Stoolupherbummachinelady’s kid is wearing you. So John Why do you need to arrive 2 hrs early so they can steal your shoes and then check your bum for WOMD. Best to Heidi and the Thingie.
Kevin
Hi John,
I agree with you. There’s nothing much worse than having to fly. I’m thankful that I’m old enough to remember the good old days when flying was fun rather than an ordeal.
Hi John & Heidi,
John, another day started off with your blog thingy. I just realized you are not happy unless you’re complaining about something. Heidi’s right – you need an “I love moaning” t-shirt. And that’s because at Carnival, everything is just brilliant (to use your favorite word) and normally there is absolutely nothing to complain about. Of course, sometimes things happen, but everyone should run their business like Carnival & its wonderful staff.
Have a great day,
Carol
No not Hugh Jackman, not even close unfortunately! Do you have any Aussie bloggers? Well I love the blog John, and so glad I found it a few weeks ago. To be honest I didn’t really know what a blog was before that. Selective vagueness I think.
Having worked on Aussie ships (as ACD) on and off for years, I now work on the ground helping people interested in a career on ships (not internet recruitment and I don’t sell a $120 ‘this will get you a job’ book!) It’s a passion and your blog keeps me connected to the international cruise industry and opens me to what seems like the warm and welcome arms of the Carnival family.
I find your blog is always entertaining, always gives me a laugh and is inclusive. And that is a segway into what cruising is all about…I love your observations and the images you create when you write. Jellyfish who read maps and someone performing keyhole surgery on your arse after it was used as a bike parking spot are a few that spring to mind.
So John, good luck with your upcoming journeys on board, being cigarless and most importantly fatherhood. Even though I don’t know if this will successfully get to you, I look forward to more of your inspirational blogs (Honestly, how do you juggle CD, Head Office commitments, writing a blog, smoking cigars, replying to comments and following up on queries…Amazing!) Well we know 1 of those is eliminated now!!
Kind Regards,
Sean
Hi John,
You need to tele your friend from Gainesville. The Florida Gators won the National College Football Championship last night. It was great !
GO GATORS! and I can’t wait to see you in less than a month!
Love to Heidi and the baby.
Princess Elaine, the quiet and single and proud GATOR
My husband has been and still is a commercial airline captain for over 25 years. After 9/11, he was subjected several times a day to the same search all passengers were. He said it was humiliating to stand there in the security line and take off his belt, shoes, and have his nail clippers confiscated. He used to carry a screw driver in his flight case because if the landing gear were ever stuck in flight a mechanic friend showed him an emergency “fix” in flight. They security took that away too!!!!! However, they have yet to take away his crash ax and gun he carries (with a permit of course) in the cockpit…go figure?!? (lol)
Hello John,
I was really surprized last evening to get a call from Carnival , an agent from Carnival called , we had been booked through her on the first cruise . I was so shocked she called when we are longing to go on a cruise , it was like the gods of cruising were tempting us. unfortunately we could not book with her and hated to say no . But thats that . After reading your blog about the airports it was really kind of fitting cause of our flying experience last year . We were the add for West jet – the family waiting in the snow storm outside in summer wear . Unfortunately we traveled air canada and they did not have the Ultimate Airline steward sharing the clothes off their backs .
and how timely was it that my parents called and asked for information on booking a cruise – just shortly after carnival cruised . So I gave them her number and am sure I made their days. So it is back to longing to go.
I will busy myself at the local pool , and sit in the sauna pretending to be on board a carnival ship .
I will be beyond excited for my next cruise .
looking forward to reading the blog . have a good weekend .
Greetings John,
We are Canadian “Colonials” and will understand if you would prefer not to answer our request .
We are also rather new to the cruise game, with only two cruises under our belts as it were. We are, however, doing our level best to remedy this shortcoming and are booked on Splendor’s South American oddesy and on the Dream’s second Mediterranean cruise.
We very much enjoy dressing for dinner in the main dining room. We enjoy the conversation with our fellow cruises, great table service, ambience (with a view if at all possible) and, of course, great food and wine. On our first cruise we said not a word and were assigned a super table with wonderful servers. Our second cruise put us right beside the main entrance to the dining room: cold, drafty and noisy. The Maitre Di, however, was most accommodating and moved our party into an anti-room, with a fantastic window view, for the second and subsequent evenings.
My question then: “what is the best way to secure desired seating in the main dining rooms for we humbled masses who do not yet hold that special Platinum reservation perk?” I have been told it is best to head immediately to the main dining room upon boarding; check the seating plan and then “beg, whine and snivel” to secure a more desirable table. Not being particularly comfortable begging, I wonder if there is, perchance, a better and more civilized approach?
Oh dear. Your description of airport hassle sure has me NOT looking forward to my first flight in 24 years. I fly to NOLA 4 weeks from today to hook up with all my blogger and crazies buds for 5 days on the Fantasy!!! Was actually looking forward to flying again, well until I read your blog. LOL But if the plane gets me to NOLA, then whatever I have to deal with will be well worth it!! Looking forward to it.
Best wishes to you, Heidi and Thingy!!!
Hi John!
Happy Friday…Thanks for posting.
Thanks for giving us such great thoughts to look forward to as we move forward in the world of airline security. Ugh!
Hope everything else is going well.
Take care and good luck packing.
David
John, Please reply:
Dianne and I received our tickets today for the bloggers cruse in February. Since I purchased them as retired military it does not show the CPBL fare code. I want to make sure we are with the other bloggers. Do we need to do anything additional? We can’t wait to see you again, but we will miss Heidi and Thingy.
bob
First you wrote,
I stood with Danny as he checked his bag at the British Airways desk and I was reminded how just once when asked by the 14 year old check in girl “did you pack your own bags” I have wanted to reply “Do I look like I have a friggin butler……… you idiot?”
Then you wrote,
My wife, who as I write has started packing my suitcases, says I’m a moaner and I should wear a T-shirt that says “Grumpy Old Man” or “Born To Moan.”
So which one is it? Did you lie to security? Or do you have a butler named Heidi? Hahahaha just though I would mess with ya a little.
Hope all is well with you and your family, Look forward to cruising with you 2-22-09 Valor
Till then, Randy