At the moment I am supposed to be halfway across the Atlantic Ocean, sipping a Diet Coke and having my every whim catered too by a gorgeous 20-something American Airlines flight attendant…….but I am not. I am sitting here in my office at home ……… pissed off……..dreadfully pissed off.
I live about two hours from Heathrow Airport and had decided to leave in plenty of time for my 9:55 am flight to Miami. And so it was that this morning at 4:30 am I drove my Hertz hired car away from home and headed to the world’s busiest international airport.
I won’t say I was enjoying the drive because I had just left Heidi……more of that in a moment …….and the weather was horrendous. There are of course many serious automobile accidents in the UK every year which are usually due to incompetence, bad weather……….or the French. For the last few weeks lovely Lisa the SKY weather lady and her BBC counterpoint, the lovely Fred, have issued a severe weather warning.
Two weeks ago they said the whole east coast was to be engulfed by a flood so massive and so destructive that billions would die in screaming agony. Last week they were banging on about fog so dense and impenetrable that we’d all be eaten by werewolves we never saw coming. ……..of course, we all ignored them. That’s because weather people are upset because they are not news readers and don’t have interesting stuff like murder and war to talk about and all they’ve got to talk about is drizzle and clouds in the west by mid-morning. So they try to spice things up a bit, to make their job look a bit more interesting.
Last night they issued one that said the east coast would be subject to high winds and driving freezing rain ……….and they were right. Conditions were amazingly bad and would have been OK if I had been driving my Polar Bear killing machine that is the Range Rover.
Unfortunately I was in a Hertz rent-a-car…….a Korean thing that was about as comfortable in the rain as I am doing my debarkation talk naked.
Anyway, to get to Heathrow from my house I needed to drive on the freeway that we call the Motorway 25 …..the M25 as it is known. I sped along, the Korean engine sounded like Judge Judy being dipped in an acid bath and the windshield wipers were on full speed but having bugger all effect. Then, as the road ahead came into view, I spotted with dread – the forming jam.
This, then, is what I wrote while stuck in traffic on my raspberry………I have left it the way it is so I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
You know the feeling: the optimist is saying that it is only a slight delay and you’ll be through it and out the other side in no time, the pessimist – noting the flashing hazard lights on vehicles in front indicating that traffic has come to a dead stop – realises that this one is bad and you will be sitting motionless for some time. On my left is a pretty woman driving a Lexus LS 460. She ignores me and edges off as I remain stationary. Damn, wrong lane. Shall I risk wrath and edge into the middle lane? Or chance my theory – based neither on science nor the most rudimentary understanding of traffic flow – that all lanes progress equally in traffic jams………….. A stupad point since I can’t move at all: Lexus woman is followed by a big truck with German tags . And he is letting no one in. …………maybe he learnt to drive in Miami.
I am blocked in. It’s like being in a sensory deprivation tank smelling of diesel and cheap Korean made cloth interior. I haven’t moved for 1 hour and ten minutes. I am due in Heathrow no later than 8:45pm. I do what Americans call “the math”: to reach the airport in time, I have to travel at exactly 143mph…………..the Korean’s top speed is 90pm………….down hill with a hurricane blowing behind you and definatley not acheivable with a big fat sod like me behind the wheel.
Meanwhile, across the barriers, vehicles travelling anticlockwise move freely between lanes, speeding towards their destination. It feels like they are laughing at us.
Then, suddenly, I start to move. First gear, second gear, third gear and then we stop again…………….and the pretty lady in the Lexus has been replaced by a man in a Ford who is currently picking his nose ……bugger.
OK, I am back……eventually I put down the Raspberry because even though the car was not moving it is still illegal to use a communication device of any kind in a car ……yet the man with his entire hand up his nose is free to mine for boogers and eat them…….on toast.
The radio soon told me what had happened. A chemical tanker had skidded on the wet road and had done something they call “jack-knifed” and tipped over………..and that was that ………I was buggered.
I obviously sparred a thought for the truck driver and the other drivers that had been involved in the incident……eventually, another one hour and 40 minutes later when I did eventually crawl past the accident site, it certainly looked nasty……..my thoughts are with those involved.
However, my thoughts were also with me and my flight. I eventually reached Heathrow and, after dumping the car back at Hertz ready for some other unfortunate sod to drive, I put my suitcases on a trolley, one of which weighs more than an elephant’s scrotum …….. and ran (OK, walked fast) to the American Airlines desk. It was now 9:20 am ……..I had been up since 3:30 am and I was very, very tired. I realized that there was no way they would let me get on this flight as everyone was onboard but I had a cunning plan. I asked the lady behind the ticket desk if I could fly via Boston as there was a flight taking off later ………yes she said………..but that will be $3,000. You see, Carnival has special arrangements with the airlines for fares for guests and crew and you need a special secret code. I didn’t know the code or the secret handshake that goes with it…..and thinking that Carnival probably would not be too happy if I spent $3,000 I gave up……went for a poo…..went to Starbucks……then back to Hertz……hoping I wouldn’t get my Korean friend back I trudged over to my car……….it wasn’t a Korean thing………it was a Peugeot …………..which is French………………and that summed up my morning.
And so, I drove back home, mad, angry, tired and with my wallet £79 lighter for having to pay for another car and knowing that I will have to do this all over again tomorrow.
Let’s take a quick break.
Over on www.bestblogsatsea.com you will see that James and the Arcadia have just been to Egypt.
Please have a read of his blog and you will also see some marvellous photos of the Pyramids. James also has a blog about P&O’s fantastic CARE program ……. great job James.
Now, if you want to experience not one but TWO world cruises without leaving your computer then you absolutely must read Alistair’s blog from the Cunard liner Queen Victoria. Nobody does a ’round the world voyage like Cunard and over the next few months Alistair will share the Cunard experience with you from onboard the incomparable Queen Victoria.
On January 19, 2008, many of you joined me for the first-ever Bloggers Cruise on the Carnival Freedom. That was one year ago today and it’s funny that today was so disheartening while this time last year we were hugging and laughing with each other……as we will be again soon. It was such a fun cruise and, of course, it gave birth to this years THREE bloggers voyages. I was of course supposed to be attending a big meeting with everyone tomorrow to finalize everything.
This has now been changed to Wednesday………my apologies to all concerned.
Now, I was thinking. Many of you have been reminiscing about the old days and therefore I have decided to bring back……..for just one cruise only…..the one and only and much missed…….Male Nightgown Bloggers Contest. I will go into details later this week but for now…..men………bring your nightgowns and lingerie…….and your cameras as we relive the old days and create the best blackmail photos ever. We will have special judges for this event and special prizes as well. It’s a throwback to the old days and will never……….ever …………be repeated. The rules will follow…..not that there are any.
I see I have lots of questions to answer which I will do on Wednesday I promise.
Now, I see I got a major bollocking because I didn’t film Heidi the other day on that long video thingy. Well, it was a last minute thing and …………I forgot. I therefore promise that Heidi will make a short video blog on Wednesday and we will let you all see the Thingy which is now……very visible.
Talking of Heidi:
Crying is a taboo for us men. I never cry and I think the last time I actually shed real tears was during Leo’s funeral in The West Wing and during an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition when Ty and his mates built a special house for a soldier who had lost both his legs while serving in Iraq………the flood gates opened on that one.
As they did this morning when I said goodbye to my wife. She understands I have job to do and that I will see her in April……..but as I headed to Heathrow Airport I cried ……….like a big soppy girl………because I will miss her so very much………..and now tomorrow…………I have to do it all over again.
Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and the Thingy.
Filed under: Bloggers Cruise, Caribbean, Destinations, Tales from the Ship, Travel | Tagged: Bloggers Cruise, Carnival Freedom, cruise, fun, vacation
Hi John, Anyone who flies a lot has to live by this rule. Sometimes you get the bear sometimes the bear gets you. This time the bear got you. Maybe he will leave you alone for awhile.
Enjoy your extra day with Heidi.
Jo
Hello , John , well look at the delay as a it should have been . We all have to look for silver linings in those things . Likely you would have ended up stuck in some terminal in a snow storm , cause the plan needed to re -route around due to some storm in the states. Then you could have ended up in a hotel that the airline puts you in and makes the local macDonalds booths look more welcoming.
We are looking forward to your getting to the cruise ship so we can read of all the fun in order to help us pass away the long winter months.
Winter would not be so bad if there was sunlight when we left for work and when heading home. We have had a break in our sub zero temperatures , however it stormed herelast evening and its not the greatest of weather , the kids got the day off school , and are lounging around at home.
We are really hoing for the winter to pass faster. Well not much else to say than its really did rot having to turn around and travel back home , but you did get more time with Heidi and you can hopefully make it out tomorrow.
I would love to have my hubby join in the Male nightgown contest on the bloggers cruise , he is such a good sport and would be a great one to have in the contest . he has been involved in a few plays at our local hall and he like the theatrical stuff. However I have never seen him dressed in womens clothing – let alone night dresses. Could be rather alarming – but there will likely be loads of men to offer a great laugh. Like boys and farts , women do get quite a laugh out of the men acting like fools in womens nighties. We will be looking for those pics and maybe a few video clips of the event .
looking forward to seeing the next video clip. Enjoy the rest of your day at home , you are all packed and ready to go so sit back and enjoy a few . uMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Awwwwww…. I’m sorry John! Better luck tomorrow. Have a safe trip
)
That sucks.
Hi John-
I have been an avid reader- but not contributor- to your blog for the last year. I really enjoy your humor and insight and look forward to it every day!
Anyway… today I have something to tell you that is, in my opinion, “blog worthy”! I get to go on the 2/8 Bloggers Cruise with you! My best friend just surprised me by purchasing this for us.
We first met you and Heidi on the Liberty in September 2005. Mic and I took this cruise to celebrate 25 years of being best friends. We had been on several cruises prior to this but you are the first CD that actually enticed us to go to the shows and talks and we had a blast! During this cruise Katrina hit New Orleans and you showed us that you are not just a very funny guy, but a compassionate, caring man with a heart as big as Texas.
Since then we have been hoping for another chance to cruise with you but after some hard times (lay-off, illness) I couldn’t see it happening anytime in the near future. Then my very, very, very best friend- Mic- decided we just have to see you again and bought the tickets.
We are looking so forward to being with you on this cruise!
I hope all goes well when you get on the plane tomorrow and we’ll see you on the 8th!
Love to Heidi and the Thingy!
Dana
John:
I actually have some “interesting” pictures of David from the Men’s Nightgown Contest of past years. He and his younger brother…..
David had the 8 x 10 of his brother Dane’s Contest Entry (who is now a Colonel and flies “manly” Blackhawk helicopters) framed for his new bride and gave it to her on their wedding day. If I remember correctly, Dane won it on that cruise.
I am going to try to sneak the picture of David with me on this trip….just for a flashback of youthful stunts!! He and his brother were in their early 20’s at the time.
Sorry to hear about the troubles with your travels…. this is why we always fly or drive in the day before a cruise. We don’t leave it to chance that a road block (or plane delay) will stop us from getting on the ship.
Safe travels…
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
DanainDallas
If you arrive for the Bloggers Cruise on 2/8 you will be just like John to late. The Bloggers cruise sails on 2/7. See you there I hope.
John, get ready for round 2. Rumppy pumppy, good bye kissing, some more tears and blubbering as you drive again to the airport.
Better luck this time.
BIG ED
Sorry to hear about your travel woes. Saying goodbye is hard, sorry for both of you that you have to go through it all again tomorrow. Make the best of your “bonus” time this evening.
Wishing you safe and worry free travels tomorrow.
Ann
Sorry friend !! when I read your status in Facebook my first impulse was to laugh as I remembered the time that you wrote that you didn’t understand why you had to be at the airport so early. Now that I know why you didn’t catch the plane I wonder if someone up there doesn’t want you to run out of things to write
HA! You are a magnet for this things uffffff! only you my friend. Anyway look at the bright side you have another day with Heidi. I understand how you must be feeling. It must be very difficult to leave after so many years being together all the time. I admire you both. Please tape the nightgown competion!! I can’t imagine how this is going to be. I can remember how wild it was them and now you are going to be with a bunch of friends. UYY! I can’t imagine the things they are going to do to you. Good luck!
Nanni
PS I hope tomorrow flight is perfect.
Dear john It does sound like you had the day I had yesterday.DW had to call ambulance for me I was in left field completely out of it.My daughter said all I kept saying was I can’t stay I have a cruise to take.Good news they didn’t keep me.So the Blogger’s cruise is still a go.I hope we both have a better tomorrow.Best wishes to all Gary and Bug
Well at least you have one more day with Heidi, why don’t you do the video of her TODAY, and it can get posted tomorrow – when you leave EARLY again to catch your flight. Have a nice day with Heidi, you deserve it! See you soon. Linda
John, you have been rewarded with an extra day with Heidi and the wee little one. I have had the 2 of you on my mind all day. I was thinking about how miserable you both had to be saying goodbye for 2 months. God saw fit to give you one more day together. So enjoy it and don’t complain about the reason that allowed you to have the extra time. Things will work out okay. I promise!
Countess Carolyn
John,
See, it does pay for us to whine at you about certain things. . like not filming Heidi after she filmed you for 1/2 hour! Thanks in advance for the video blog of Heidi that you are going to do. I don’t envy you having to leave her again tomorrow. I cry at the airport with people leaving that I don’t even know. I guess I am just way to empathetic. I bet Heidi was happy to have you home again at least for one more day! Things happen for a reason, so there is probably a very good one why you weren’t on that flight! Remember how Murphy ALWAYS seems to attach himself to you when you are flying! Your seat mate would probably have been a very smelly Frenchman with all of his relatives around you! And, besides, what happened today gave you blog material. Don’t worry that you cry–I love it when a man can show his emotions, and not have to be so all fired bloody strong all the time!
Sheryl
dude, remember how you always tell everyone to take a camera ashore in case they miss the ship, they can get a great photo of it leaving port without them? bet you can’t get away with that one again!
seriously, i AM sorry this happened… really. no, really. uh HUH… I AM TOO!
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
JOHN The World’s busiest Airport is Atlanta’s Hartsfield International, for passagers. Have a safe flight tomorrow.
John,
No much to say but just wanted to leave you a ~hug~.
Hugs for Heidi too.
Sallie
Actually had me tearing at the thought of leaving Heidi for that length of time. Glad you had a chance to get back to her for a night. And I cry at every Extreme Makeover Home edition!
Dear John
So Sorry about “Murphy” taking a bite out your bum today. It just wasn’t meant to be.
As Scarlett would say “Tomorow is another day”
Enjoy your extra day with Heidi and Baby thingy.
I also hate goodbyes, especially with family (my sons). Takes biting my lip and sniffles for an hour to get over it.
Ill try to convince the “Big Kahuna that lingerie will look good on him, LOL
Take Care. Safe Journeys, and hugs to Heidi
The Tuckers
Elizabeth & Arnold
Hello John!
Sorry to hear about your traffic nightmare today but at least you got an extra day with your wife and Thingy.
Let’s hope things work out better for you tomorrow morning.
Take care and good luck.
Thanks!
David
Road Rage Traffic…..You can get as mad as you want but quite often you can do bugger all to fix the sitchiation [sic].
That fact doesn’t stop many people from getting really really bent out of shape on the road. Traffic can be lined up for miles moving at a snail’s pace or not at all….. due to overt congestion, construction, accidents, or weather. Sometimes I see people screaming like banshees or making rude gestures to other motorists….their veins nearly visibly popping in their necks or temples. Stress overload people! …. Take a chill pill or several.
Until we perfect beaming from point A to point B and can tell Scotty to energize….we are stuck with our overworked (full of pot-holes in Michigan)and overcrowded transportation thoroughfares.
What really gets me pissed off are cases in which a lane or lanes happen to be closed and some obnoxious belligerent drivers think that they can skirt around the huge line of vehicles and bypass the wait altogether either by driving in the closed lane or on the shoulder prior to the actual closed zone. I’ve seen pairs or groups of semis circumvent such rude behaviors by blocking access.
The Flying (There’s No Intelligent Life Down Here) Dutchman
John -
Look at the bright side. You got to spend one more day with Heidi and Thingy.
Of course, your penance was to have to drive a Pee-yew-get-out.
Jonny
Linda’s right do the video of Heidi and post it today so we can see her and thingy again.
Sorry to hear about your delay. It will be better tomorrow.
Love Grandma
Take this situation as a sign that maybe you’re weren’t prepared to leave Heidi and Thingy today and one more day is what you really needed. Now I’ll bet everything will fall into place tomorrow and your flight take place on time with you in it. That beautiful stewardess will smile at you, and will make your flight an enjoyable and relaxful one and when you arrive in Miami all will be good. Do me one special thing, when you arrive in Miami, call Heidi and let her know that you arrived safe and sound. Wives like that you know. I hope nothing goes wrong on Sunday when I’m suppose to arrive in Ft. Lauderdale and on to Miami to eventually to meet you.See you in Miami.
Paul F. PIetrangelo
Wow, that was awful–sorry and again tomorrow is not a fun thing to have to do twice. I too am worried that weather may cause a problem getting to the airport on 1-31 and I will miss my plane to the Splendor which would turn me to a weeping pile of goo. Hopefully, your next try will be successful!
John – Sorry to hear about your horrible day. Hope it works out better on Tuesday.
John & Heidi, It was just meant for the two of you to have another day together! I hope you cherish this extra day with her too! Take her out for a nice walk and make sure to get your butt to the airport on time tomorrow. I know it wasn’t your fault due to an accident, but you need to check traffic before you leave and make an alternative route just in case if that is possible.
I really wish we were going on the Blogger’s Cruise with all of you! One of these days, I will make it!
Have a safe flight and enjoy the extra day with Heidi!
Susan & Scott
John,
Sorry you missed your flight. Enjoy your extra day with Heidi. Have a safe flight tomorrow.
Tom & Michelle
Well, I hope you made your flight today. Although, I’m sure it was with more tears as you had to say good-bye, once again, to Heidi. Your story about being stuck in traffic hit me this morning on my way to work. I was behind a full-size Hummer. Not the Hummer II, or Hummer III…the big, gas-guzzling Hummer. The Ohio plate read: “I LUV OIL”. I had to take a picture – it was hilarious. Bet he didn’t LUV OIL when it was $56,000 a barrell. Any way, I hope Murphy leaves you alone today…and, yes I cry at every Extreme Home Makeover show.
Have a safe flight,
Lori
Catmama044
John, I was laughing out loud when I saw the title to today’s blog. I saw yesterday on facebook that you had missed your flight and predicted (correctly) what you would say in todays blog. Hope the next flight goes better for you!!!
John:Please reply
Hey John, sorry to hear about your travel troubles. I know it will be hard to leave Heidi and the thingy again. But April will be here before you know it. We booked the Miracle yesterday for Feb 1st – 8 day/Western and are very excited. This will be our 1st time on the Miracle and will miss not having the jumbo tron on Lido to watch the Superbowl. My husband is a big Steelers fan and is so worried about not being able to see the game. Can you check and make sure that the game will be televised hopefully in the theater? Our booking number is 98FQ34 if you think you might could surprise him with something special in our room! He is the best husband and dad and I would love for this trip to be even more special for him. He was such a great support to me when I went through breast cancer in 2002 and still is. He shaved his head the same day that I had to have mine shaved due to the chemo treatments.
This will be our 6th cruise and we cruised with you and Heidi last year on the Freedom. I brought you the goodie bag with jelly beans and tee shirts from our hometown and the smiley face magnet. Tell Heidi hello from me and she will be in our prayers through these final months of her pregancy and while you are away from her.
Also, can you tell me a little about our CD on this trip? I would like to bring him a goodie bag also.
Thanks,
R
Dear John,
Many thanks for your email sent from your RRRRraspberry!!!! and for featuring my blog on your fantastic blog – where do you get all the inspiration from? All is well here on the good ship ARCADIA. We have just had a flyby with HMS Portland in the Gulf of Aden – visit my blog…..for MORE than just pictures……
All good wishes,
James
Now John, it’s just life. Don’t take it too seriously! There’s always another plane, bus, train or cheap car! I hope this finds you winging your way towards Miami and your second start turns out better than the first! I keep reading these blogs and references to Thingy. I sure hope you are saving all these blogs on some indestructable media of some sort. I’ll bet when Thingy grows up, reading them will be a hoot! Now, deep breath (unless you are sitting next to a frenchy!) and relax! Life will unfold as it will, you and I are just along for the ride, my friend! Have a great cruise! Some day we’ll have to book a cruise with you, as I would love to just sit back and watch you work, but, this time around it is Alaska for us! So in May we will be sailing the icy waters and wondering why we’re not in some warm climate with you!
Mike