I have begun to realize that I have become a grumpy old man and usually this grumpiness is at its height when I fly. I won’t bore you with the same old stories about the long lines at security and how I witnessed an eight-year-old boy being patted down in case his tiny Reeboks were ticking. Anyway, I left Harry Potter crying and went to wait for the gate to be called……….poor sod.
However, as I sit here and type away on my Raspberry I am going to talk about my fellow travelers. They can be very annoying. Hand baggage is the one thing I don’t understand – to me it’s something you can get into a small bag or it should be checked in.
There is a chap sitting behind me who got on with a rucksack so big he could have traveled twice round the world with it. He couldn’t get it in the overhead compartment and there were things spilling out of it……including a book that made War & Peace look like a quick read that landed on my head. I wanted to ask the flight attendant how they could possibly allow him on with that………but as normal, I just sat there, nursing the bump that his book had bestowed me with.
Eventually, the staff made him check the bag in and he responded by shoving a platinum frequent flying card thingy in the poor woman’s face telling her “Do you not recognize this?” I do salute her because my answer would have been “Do you recognize this?” pointing to the foot that was about to enter his pompous British arse. Instead, he politely told him that the plane was full and regardless of the shiny thing in his hand they would have to check the rucksack ……….and with the words “This is fu$”%$” ridiculous” ………he took his seat.
Unfortunately the patient flight attendant who had told Mr. Rucksack to bugger off was not serving my part of the plane …….. nope ……Murphy and his law had dictated that I would get a 40-something reasonably pretty blonde who purred like a cat as she fussed over the tanned good looking git in 11A while completely ignoring the fat bastard in 9C……..that would be me.
Honestly, at one point after she had served dinner…….more on that later…….she stood and talked to him for 15 minutes about how badly she wanted to move to a place called Scottsdale. Meanwhile, I wanted to move as well…….to the toilet…….but I couldn’t because the lazy attendant had not taken my tray away and at one point I seriously considered peeing in the remains of my chicken Kiev. I truly think she thought she had found the man of her dreams……..although her chances of finding an eligible bachelor in 11A while wearing blue polyester and brandishing a black garbage bag were I think ……….. limited.
Anyway, eventually I turned behind me and said “Excuse me, would you mind taking the tray as I need to go to the bathroom?”………..at the end of this sentence I gave one of my nervous laughs which Heidi says I inherited of my Mum. Well, she did, but for the rest of the flight she was impossibly rude to me and during the later part of the flight gave me a brutal (and surely, not accidental) passing knock with her polyester-swaddled elbow.
And why can’t you use mobiles on flights? You can use the airline’s mobile and pay a fortune, but they won’t let you use your own. I am sure people with beards will tell me that it affects the plane’s flight systems but I believe that just as much as I believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and that people like to climb a wall on vacation.
At this point I would like to say hello to a lovely lady called Patricia Lewis who has promised to stop by the blog. Patricia was my flying companion and seated next to me for the nine hours of misery. She was a charming lady who new when to talk and when not to making her the perfect person to have next to me. Patricia is British and was flying via Miami to Barbados to stay with her son and daughter in law and their two children. Her son is the manager of an exclusive five-star resort there and we spoke about how proud she was of him and how much she missed her family and especially her grandchildren.
The conversation turned to her hatred of having to go through Immigration in Miami. Last year she was returning from Barbados to London via Miami. She had gone through immigration, but suddenly an announcement came over the PA with her name. When she contacted an official she was marched away and shoved into a room with two others – no explanation, nothing. “It was absolutely awful and very frightening,” she told me. She asked why she was there, but they wouldn’t say and she told me she was having visions of Guantanamo Bay.
After an hour and a half she was told she could go. She was furious and demanded an explanation and was told: “Next time I advise you use to hand cream, as your fingerprints have come up as those of a known terrorist.” ………she still has no idea what that meant but she wasn’t looking forward to her passage through Immigration this trip. OK, at this point I am going to switch off my raspberry because my fingers are tired and I am going to try and close my eyes for a bit………..see you in Miami.
Well, here I am and coming from the UK this morning where the temperatures struggled to reach one degree, the 63 degrees-plus temperature here in Florida has me sweating like a moose who just found out it lives in Sarah Palin’s territory. Yet, the locals are bonkers and are all wearing gloves and huge thick coats…..very funny. I am not going to go on any more about the nightmare that is Miami Immigration.
As I mentioned before, I understand that the world is different…….I understand that they must check who is entering……but maybe like their colleagues who I have encountered recently in Boston and Los Angeles, the immigration officers in Miami might consider reading the huge signs that are plastered all over the airport that say “We pledge to do all in our power to get you through immigration as quickly as possible in a friendly and professional manner.”
It seems that like their British counterparts that I recently had to meet after my return from seeing the Carnival Dream in Italy, the officers I met today were chosen for having no grace, no manners, no humor, no humanity and a personality normally found in a constipated gorilla.
I don’t care……..I am used to the treatment cruise ship staff get in “the special room” but for the poor young ladies and gents who were here for the first time it is horrifying and upsetting………..and the crying shame is that these young crew members would sit happily and patiently if someone just explained what was happening and told them that there was nothing to worry about………those few words would make all the difference..
And so, here I sit, in a taxi driven by someone who seems to think I own a NASCAR team and is currently auditioning as a driver. Even though I have been sitting in them and crop dusting them with occasional airplane farts I still had hope for my underwear but my this taxi ride has finished them off……..shame, I have had them for 15 years.
As I mentioned yesterday, saying goodbye to Heidi once was hard enough ….twice was ……well…..let’s just say I needed wind shield washers for my eyes.
But, I am excited to be back. Tomorrow we will finalize the Bloggers Cruise and then I have some stuff with some of our top travel agents. Tomorrow I will be answering all your questions and through the rest of the week we will also be highlighting some of the people who work behind the scenes at Carnival……..so look out for more videos. Mostly though I am looking forward to getting back on board a ship. …….I have missed life on the ocean wave.
So, unless Jean Pierre Earnhardt kills us on the way to the hotel I will see you all in the morning.
Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and the Thingy…….both of which I miss very much.
Filed under: Caribbean, Destinations, Travel | Tagged: airplanes, Carnival, Carnival Dream, cruise, Travel
Hello, John!
Welcome back to the US. As always, I’m sorry for the way that you were treated coming through customs. I don’t have a clue why these people are so soulless and dour.
I’m hoping that you’ll have some secret info upcoming for us about what wonderful things Carnival has planned for we cruisers this year!! C’mon, spill the beans!!!
I’m looking forward to seeing you and Stephanie again in a few short weeks!!!
Ciao!!
Host Mach
Dear John (please reply)
I think my last email (comment) to you was lost when your computer ate up your 2 hour blog. I did find the answers I was looking for by calling Carnival direct, but I do have another question. How hard would it be for a 62 year old widow woman like myself to get a job on board a cruise ship? Do they have an age limit for the people they hire? After reading your blogs every day and watching your recent video blog I find your enthusiasm for Carnival Cruise Lines just rivetting. I’d love to be a part of such a great organisation, and I’d be happy just working in the gift shop. I have a lot of experience dealing with the public and customer service. Where can I send a resume, or would I be wasting my time?
Thanks…Irene (hooked on cruising)
How long has it been since you were on the Valor? I am sure you will know a lot of Carnival’s employees on the Valor. Can’t wait to see you on Sunday. Don’t forget to email me BEFORE Saturday so I can let everyone else know all the facts, where, when etc. OK, Thanks John! Today was a memorable day. My boss who is also my brother took us to a Pub for lunch, and we watched the Inauguration on big screen tv’s. It was amazing! He will be a great President! Linda
Hi John!
Welcome back to my side of the pond and glad you got here safely.
I’m so sorry to hear about Miami Immigration (again). Hopefully one day things can change.
Good luck getting settled and enjoy. At least you won’t have to worry about airline personnel for a few days.
Take care!
David
Hi John,
Welcome to Miami. I am from Miami and I must admit I do laugh when we get a cool front. If the temps get into the 70’s these people are dressed coats and scarfs, while I am still in my shorts.
Saying goodbye to Heidi again must of been very hard. If you need a shoulder I will lend you mine.
Looking forward to more behind the scenes video.
Tom & Michelle
Glad you made today’s flight in! I would personally love to be in 60+ degree weather but the northeast is stuck in the teens.
We once had a flight attendant tell us that the cell phones actually no longer mess up the communications with the flights, but that the crew doesn’t want a plane full of people chatting on their cell phone. Whether or not that’s true on the non-interference, I don’t know, but I fully agree that I wouldn’t want to be on a plane where everyone could chat on their phones.
Hope you enjoy being back to work although I’m sure you will miss Heidi and the thingy
John, welcome back to the USA! Sorry you have to take an airplane to get here.
Ummmm, after finalizing the Bloggers Cruise stuff, Can You PLEASE Tell Us!!! We are trying our best to sort out a schedule of when we will be doing special stuff and your input is required, please, pretty-please? My Cruise Critic mates and I can hardly wait for this cruise!
Love to Heidi and little thingy.
Many thanks to Stephanie.
Diane from Texas
Welcome back John. Hope you get to sea soon. Counting the days to blogger’s cruise.
John:
If there is an Earnhardt behind the wheel…not to worry … you are safe. (even if it is a French one)
I would like to give a shout out to Ms. Patricia Lewis and thank her for being such a wonderful travel companion for you on this trip.
I hope that she has a great time with her family in Barbados.
Oddly enough, the last time a plane made a left at Cleveland instead of the right it was suppose to make…it was indeed the work of a cell phone being used by a passenger inflight. That was 5 years ago and modern technology has gotten better…but that did indeed happen to a Delta jet.
I have to say that I am thrilled with my new Facebook site. I have not completely gotten it figured out….but I am chatting with lots of old friends (many from Carnival) and it is a blast!!!
While I know Heidi and the Wee One will miss you….you are blessed to be married to a strongly independent lady who can definately “hold down the fort” in your absense….and you know that she and the Wee One are fine!!!
Get some rest…..and then spill the beans about the Blogger’s Cruise.
Unless I can squeeze a couple more cruises in before July 7th….this will be DJ’s last time in Club O2 and he is very sad about that. But he will be 18 then and so I am hoping that Carnival will add that extra 18-20 “not a Club but a connection” so that he will have a new place to make friends.
See I even gave it a new name…Carnival Connection for 18-20 year olds!!!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
Hi John,
I’m waiting impatiently for you to spill the Beano concerning the final plans for the Carnival Fantasy Blogger’s cruise.
C’mon. You know you want to!
bill
Welcome to the Good Ole U.S.A.
Flying is the all time High of Lows
ready for NOLA
Hello John,
Glad you finally made it here safe and sound. I can relate to the Floridians that are freezing because we’re cold too. Our blood has thinned a lot since spending 6 winters in Florida instead of Indiana.
Good luck with your meetings and tell Heidi we said Hi when you talk with her.
George and Linda
John,
Will you miss the old ones?
Finland-based Evac has unveiled what it’s calling the “most silent vacuum toilet on the world market” — one specifically designed for cruise ships. The Evac 910, it’s called.
Phil & Liz
Welcome back to the USofA. Looking forward to hearing about the Blogger’s Cruise and can’t wait for a little cajun coffee.
Welcome to the US, John!
We are also anxiously awaiting any news you can give us on the bloggers cruise. We are very excited and cant wait to be on a ship with all of the bloggers.
It is going to be great!
please reply
hi john
will you be on the Valor ,sailing on 03/29/2009?
we are booked, and taking our grand kids,
but they dont know yet.
tom & jane
Welcome back John!!! Looking forward to hearing the details on our bloggers cruise! Not long now!
Hope you have sweet dreams of Heidi and Thingy tonight. Sea you soon onboard the Fantasy. Can’t wait until we are underway!
cruzn
John please reply.
I was just wondering which ships have the sea side theatre and which ones will get them and when they get them. My wife and I had our honeymoon on the Glory and it did not have the screen however we were told it would get it this year. My next question is when will the full 2010 schedule be out. I know we are only just starting 2009 however it will take us a while to save up, plus my wife will have 2 weeks vacation time by 2010. Thanks for all you do for us!!!!
Rositer11
John – It’s been my experience that the attitude of immigration in Miami matches the rest of their people who work in and around the airport. I’ve sworn off everything to do with MIA in the future. Sorry that you have to endure that on a regular basis!
Good wishes to you, and to Heidi back home with the Thingy.
Welcome back! So sorry about having to leave Heidi and baby but you will be home again before you know it and this time you must promise not to take the Raspberry to the delivery room with you!
John,
You should try coming through San Francisco. The international terminal is only a few years old and the immigration is well organized.
I don’t know if you heard about the new Airbus 380 ordered. It is a single class plane and has 840 seats. Here’s the kicker, it was ordered by Air Austral based in Saint Denis, La Reunion. So not only is it huge, it’s going to fly between Paris and La Reunion. I’d guess there will be one or two French citizens on each of the flights.
Happy Birthday John, one year ago we had a really great time, hope you enjoy your special day, although without Heidi and Big Ed’s Evil Crew, it surely won’t be as much fun.
Cheers, Ray & Deb
John, Welcome back to the USA! I can only imagine how much you are already missing Heidi and Thingy. A shout-out to Patricia Lewis. I’m glad you had such a nice companion during the long flight ….. it sure helps.
Looking forward to hearing the final plans for the Blogger’s cruise!
dude! welcome! see you sunday!
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
What the shell happened to the font? Did your Microcrap issues spill onto the blog?
You keep this up I may have to turn on the speshial screen res and text size reserved for……err well my dad for instance….
Who am I kidding….. my eyes are crap already from looking at monitors all day.
The Flying (blind as a bat) Dutchman
Hi John,
It’s me, PennyB from New Orleans.
The city is gearing up for Mardi Gras and also our Bloggers Cruise. I’ve been in charge of getting Mardi Gras masks for our Krewe so you’ll have a lot of “Masked Revelers”. I’ve also read several articles about the Beacon of Hope (for our charity work). They’ve relocated to another area of the city that still needs work. They are such a hardworking group and are so happy to have help.
Sorry you have to leave your growing family. My husband left for a year to go to Viet Nam so I know the feeling you are having, but I agree, Heidi sounds like a strong, independent woman who can handle things. She does a good job keeping you in line.
See you soon.
PennyB from New Orleans
Hello John, This is my first post to your blog. I do have a question that I think only you can answer as I have gotten 2 different answers from carnival reps. On the Carnival Dream are the cove balconies standing room only? or is there chairs and a table. Thanks.
Hi John!
I understand how you feel about flying! I did it for many years for my job. Luckily, I got a new job before 9/11 so my only flying since then has been to get to Carnival cruises and other fun places!!!!! Flying these days is a nightmare now. Just wanted you to know that you were my cd on the Inaugural cruise of the Glory and I loved you. I just missed you by a week or so last year on the Freedom. I was really bummed! So I am very excited that I am going to fly to Florida again for the Valor leaving on March 8th and you will be the cd. What a surprise!!! I am planning to get together with our cc friends at a meet and greet and wondered how we could contact you so that you can be included in this fun event! I heard you might even be able to get us a room and goodies. I am really looking forward to this trip!!!!!
MarylandLady
John , glad to know that even when half of the security guards of the US were in Washington yesterday that they continued to let people into theUS. You are likely on board and settled in . Question , I understand alot of the staff have rooms located below the cruising guests – just exactly where are you staying , I think most of us expect that you are in a suite – adjacent to the captins room and that you have a plush office through the suite door . And do you eat breakfast on the balcony. We are having more cold weather here in our part of the world – we can justify wearing gloves and hats – Just what is wrong with the people who wear winter clothes in Florida?
We would gladly welcome a cruise – As the flue has gone through the school system and most work places – We have all experienced it and are certainly in need of a break .
We are looking forward to hearing all about the bloggers cruise – May you enjoy the warmth of the sun as the rest of us northerners enjoy the warm of our furnaces .
enjoy
John , Want to wish you a very happy birthday
where are you planning on celebrating?
remember
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Best Wishes
Well John it isn’t just Miami Immigration.
The same happened to me as I was landing in Vancouver recently. I too was wisked out of line, taken to a wooden bench outside nondescript offices, instructed to wait with absolutely no indication as to why. After almost an hour, I was released back to my wife. I also questioned as to why I had been detained and received the same response as Mrs. Lewis. NONE. I realize I have a fairly common name and I can understand them not telling me at the time I was being detained for fear that I was a suspected terrorist, for I am sure they wished to live, or didn’t want to have to chase me through the airport had I decided to flee, but once I was cleared and a mistake had been recognized, I would think the courtesy of an explanation would be forthcoming and could you imagine if they gave you a hint as to how to avoid the same problem in the future. Luckily, when we flew to Heathrow to board the Splendor in August, I was not detained. Either the terrorist with my name has perished or I slipped through. Lets hope for option 1.
Mike
John,
Thanks for being so entertaining! It’s good to see that I’m not the only one whose ‘dream vacations’ have breakdowns sometimes! Looking forward to sailing on Carnival Liberty next month!
Smooth Sailing,
–Johnnie
Hi John,
I’m glad you’re safe & sound after the latest round with Mr. Murphy. I took off yesterday to watch the Inauguration, so I’m catching up on what I missed.
Going on Blogger #2 cruise would be worth the price just to see the Male Nightgown Contest again. Maybe for bc#3? I just put some more money to my bill, so it feels like it’s getting closer.
Have a great time in Miami and enjoy the Valor – give my regards to the Bronx Bar.
Hugs,
Carol
Hi John,
Welcome back to the USA. Thank God for Cell phones and internet, so you and Heidi can still be connected even though you are so far apart. And we will certainly miss her presence on the bloggers cruise.
Glad your flight went well!
Hugs!
Princess Barb
Hi John,
We just heard about the little thingy …. Congrats to you both.
We also wondered if you tried the rubarb wine yet? Did you like it?
Hi John,
We were so excited to hear about the little Thingy. Leroy & I were wondering if you got a chance to try the Rubarb wine yet & if you did what you thought of it?
How to see you in the near future. Always a fun time.
Leroy & Pat
John,
When is your birthday? If it is today, that is also my birthday (the 21st) and if it is the 22nd that is my daughter-in-law’s birthday. We will both be on the Blogger’s Cruise.
Happy Birthday
Won’t be long now,,,,,,,,used to be months,,,,only weeks now! I can’t wait!!!!!!! YIPPEEEEEEE!
John: I just realized I “sent” before I finished typing an additional comment about the 18 – 20 year olds….. I meant to add that I knew the “Carnival Connections” name was already being used for the Chat area….but it would make a better fit for the 18-20 group.
Linda
John,
What do you hear about the “Carnival Miracle”?
Going to Bermuda in April, hearing some dry dock things about it. Engine problems!
Thanks,
Tim
Dear John,
Too bad about Miami Immigration. Just remember that some days you’re the bug and some days you’re the windshield. Nevertheless, it’s nice to know that you are in the USA once again. Diane and I will be sailing on the Carnival Victory on February 1st, a week from Sunday. We wish that this cruise was the “Blogger’s Cruise” and that you were sailing with us. Maybe next year. We so enjoyed you on the Liberty two years ago. As a new dad to be, you may find sleeping difficult from time to time. However, never under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. And if a first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Warmest regards,
Diane and Rich
If the offer has not been taken, not only will I wash any clothes you may have, but I also do feet massages for free cruises.