Hi Everyone,

Please leave your birthday wishes for John here.

Happy Birthday John!!!

Stephanie & the Carnival Family

It seems that the Inauguration of President Barrack Obama went well and although I missed it live yesterday. Captain America decided to keep us informed by using the PA system on the plane to tell us that he was now officially President of the United States. ……..we can’t use our cell phones or electronic devices during take off and landing but the pilot has a 50-inch Sony Plasma in the cockpit.

Anyway, last night back at the hotel I caught up with the speech and all the hoopla and then suddenly, I began to feel quiet sorry for your new President.

After a long speech in freezing temperatures he then had to pretend to be nice to George W. Bush by saying “Thank you, sir, for all you have done, the country owes you a huge debt of gratitude”……………of course what he probably wanted to say was “Bugger off you silly sod and if I find there’s no toilet paper in the private residence there will be trouble.”

But, that’s not why I felt sorry for him………nope…………The first thing he had to do as the new President was to eat an inaugural luncheon attended by 200 hungry congressmen, judges and other dignitaries.

Halfway through the main course, I am sure he suddenly realized the enormity of the task that lies ahead of him. He no doubt reflected, with a weary belch, that this was not what he got into politics for. And when they finally plonked his desert in front of him, he will have been tempted to lean across to Vice-President Biden and whisper: “I can’t do this, Joe, you take it from here,” before bolting for the door marked rest rooms ready to give some shock and awe to the toilet bowl.

You see, I watched the news last night and Wolf Blister on CNN explained that the menu tied in with the Abraham Lincoln-themed festivities of the day. And so, obviously, they prepared a menu that began with many kilos of lobster, scallops, shrimps and black cod boiled in cream and vermouth, then ladled into pastry cases, glazed and baked into pies. Mmm, the joys of simple food. After the “fish stew” came a lovely, simple “Brace of American Birds with Sour Cherry Chutney and Molasses Sweet Potatoes,” served, like everything else, on replica china from the Lincoln Administration.

Again, I’ve looked up the recipe on the White House website where it says they cooked a pheasant breast that had been stuffed with, and I quote, “football-shaped patties” of a rice-and-canned-chicken-soup.

Bloody Hell…….. “football shaped?”………..I mean, he is the President of the Free World not a nine year old who if he eats his football shaped patties Mum says he can go skate boarding!

Wolf Blister then interviewed the Chef who started talking about how the pheasants were served with a dish of “molasses-whipped sweet potatoes,” involving these already very sweet vegetables being baked and then mashed with – wait for it – brown sugar, molasses, orange juice and maple syrup……..does that not sound like baby food? No wonder presidents do so much running. Any less than five miles a day and within a year Obama won’t even fit in the Oval Office……oh yes……….I nearly forgot after a meal that already had more sugar in it than your average wedding cake, President Obama was expected to eat an apple sponge cake served with vanilla ice cream and a cinnamon sauce with lashings of caramel sauce. The Chef of the White House will no doubt relish the thought of being able to cook again having spent the last eight years preparing Barbecue Ribs and a Bud.

As I lay on my hotel bed watching all this I wondered if the Chef may have been a Republican and realizing they don’t have a candidate to beat him in four years is going to make sure he gets diabetes and doesn’t run………I feel it is my duty to send him a few of my pills.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to put a sour commentary on this joyous day. I guess at the end of the day who cares what was served at lunch other that it was meant to honor (see, I even spelt it honor the American way) Abe Lincoln who led America through a perilous time ………….as of course will President Obama. I wish him well. There is huge expectation that he will save the world and watching him at that lunch yesterday and then those ball things last night I am sure I could see in eyes that he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to be at work, behind that desk, doing the things the rest of the world expect and demand of him………like giving France some free soap.

Well, it’s now 2:20 pm and whereas my life onboard as a cruise director is pretty much structured here on land it’s a little different.

For example, I am now supposed to be sitting in my underwear in the hotel writing the rest of this blog thingy. However, instead I am sitting in a posh hotel in Miami’s South Beach surrounded by the top producing travel agents and all of Carnival’s top executives. This group of people are called the Executive Forum………….and this morning I was invited to attend. The afternoon started with a special guest speaker ………. Nope ………that’s not enough of an introduction………….a brilliant and sincere public speaker ………..Coach Pat Riley. He spoke to the room on how his winning ways as a basketball coach have helped him through life…………and the room listened to each and every word. The standing ovation he received showed that each and every person had found something to take home with them that would help their business and improve their quality of life…………..he is an extraordinary man.

And now Carnival President and CEO Gerry Cahill is speaking and he will be followed by Executive Vice President of Marketing and Guest Experience Ruben Rodriguez and our new Chief Marketing Officer Jim Berra…………and maybe a little bit of me.

Here are some photos

I will report on what they have said this afternoon because a lot of what is being spoken about will ultimately improve your cruise experience….. am proud to be here and prouder to be able to put your points of view across.

And so, I can’t answer your questions today but I promise to do so tomorrow ………. without fail.

Here is a quick video from today’s Bloggers Cruise meeting. We have finalized everything and over the next few days I will highlight all you need to know…..and keeping some surprises for onboard.

OK, time to go and speak and I will be back tomorrow with apologies for this quick thingy today. Keep your comments coming, tell us what we can do for you. I am here to deliver and there has never been a better time to express them.

If there are any bloggers who live in Miami could I ask a favor? The Hotel Intercontinental charges $4.25 to was one pair of underwear………….can anyone do them for me?……a free cruise to anyone who does and you won’t need to come and collect them as the pair I wore yesterday can walk their themselves.

Goodnight

Your friends

John, Heidi and the Thingy………..whom I miss very much

I have begun to realize that I have become a grumpy old man and usually this grumpiness is at its height when I fly. I won’t bore you with the same old stories about the long lines at security and how I witnessed an eight-year-old boy being patted down in case his tiny Reeboks were ticking. Anyway, I left Harry Potter crying and went to wait for the gate to be called……….poor sod.

However, as I sit here and type away on my Raspberry I am going to talk about my fellow travelers. They can be very annoying. Hand baggage is the one thing I don’t understand – to me it’s something you can get into a small bag or it should be checked in.

There is a chap sitting behind me who got on with a rucksack so big he could have traveled twice round the world with it. He couldn’t get it in the overhead compartment and there were things spilling out of it……including a book that made War & Peace look like a quick read that landed on my head. I wanted to ask the flight attendant how they could possibly allow him on with that………but as normal, I just sat there, nursing the bump that his book had bestowed me with.
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At the moment I am supposed to be halfway across the Atlantic Ocean, sipping a Diet Coke and having my every whim catered too by a gorgeous 20-something American Airlines flight attendant…….but I am not. I am sitting here in my office at home ……… pissed off……..dreadfully pissed off.

I live about two hours from Heathrow Airport and had decided to leave in plenty of time for my 9:55 am flight to Miami. And so it was that this morning at 4:30 am I drove my Hertz hired car away from home and headed to the world’s busiest international airport.

I won’t say I was enjoying the drive because I had just left Heidi……more of that in a moment …….and the weather was horrendous. There are of course many serious automobile accidents in the UK every year which are usually due to incompetence, bad weather……….or the French. For the last few weeks lovely Lisa the SKY weather lady and her BBC counterpoint, the lovely Fred, have issued a severe weather warning.
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Yesterday was not a good day on so many levels…..in fact…….I pretty sure I was crapped on by Murphy and his laws because honestly…….it was one of the most stressful days I can remember that doesn’t involve Miami Immigration, flying or my hemmeroids flaring up………I am going to tell you all about it but first……..lets talk about Bill and Paul from Microsoft. Apparently they have both given billions to charity which is, of course, wonderful, however as I sit here in the office having just finished Googling their names fro a bit it appears they are miserable sods.

You may find this surprising. I mean, the Bill Gates foundation is the world’s biggest philanthropic organization with an endowment of $29.1 billion. So the man can go to sleep at night knowing his money is bringing health and hope to those less fortunate than himself. Which is everyone.
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Modern history is littered with glorious technical failures.

You may, for instance, remember the laser disc. It was a one-foot wide silver record which, said the geeks, would replace the videocassette. I damn nearly bought one, at vast expense, even though there were a few drawbacks. Like you couldn’t record anything on it, and any fast-moving image always “ghosted,” which was a bit of a problem because the only film originally available on laser disc was the very fast-moving Top Gun.
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So last night, I’m lying in the bath. The temperature is perfect. The bubbles are stacked high and Michael Buble’s music is more than satisfactory. My favorite plastic battleship is floating around entertainingly and life, for a minute, is just about bloody perfect.

I sink below the water, humming along to Michael’s version of “Fever,” only to emerge moments later and find Heidi sitting on the toilet. She wants a conversation. I don’t. We end up having a conversation about how we never have conversations any more. By the time it’s over, the bath is cold. The battleship has done an impression of the Titanic and either the batteries are finished on my CD player or Michael Buble has morphed into Barry White.
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“Mr. Heald?” said the voice on the telephone. “We’re following up on your appointment. We wondered if you would like to go ahead and purchase the car.” Eh? Was this a bad dream? Was this… ah, hang on a minute.

Back in June, I visited a Mercedes dealership looking at buying a second-hand M-class Mercedes as that was considered to be less of a polar bear slaughterer than the Range Rover. I decided against the purchase and never gave it another thought. And now, all these months later, here was the follow-up call.
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Pirates used to be fun with their wooden legs and shoulder-based parrots and cries of “shiver me timbers.” Say the word “pirate” and you and I see a salty sea dog with gunpowder smoldering in his beard. They would all wear long black or red coats and have a patch over one eye ……unless of course they were really stupid pirates and have patches over both eyes …… sorry ………. old cruise ship joke.

Red Beard, Black Beard, Johnny Deppbeard were all pirates who, despite the plundering and pillaging that was forced upon thousands of innocent victims, have been portrayed as warm and cuddly and about as dangerous as a Florida retiree armed with a stick of celery. On board the ships of Carnival we have our photo team dress up as the pirates of yesterday complete with hooked hand and our guests have their picture taken ………….. although this may be fine for the Caribbean I never quite understood why we did this in Finland during our Baltic cruises.
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Oh bugger………it’s my last week at home and in a moment of weakness I asked Heidi if there was anything special she would like to do before I bugger off back to work. I realized as soon as I had asked the question that I was going to be in trouble and hoped I would get away with something like a romantic dinner at an overpriced restaurant that serves bits of food stacked on top of each other and with a sauce that is drizzled. This would have been OK….but unfortunately it’s much much worse………… because ………she wants to go and see a musical……..and not just any musical……………she wants to see…….The Sound of Music at the London Palladium………please give me a few minutes to projectile vomit into a bucket.

OK, I am back.
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