I am dreading tonight. Heidi and I are going to a big charity event in London. It’s being held at one of the five-star snob hotels called the Dorchester and there will be an auction …… followed by dinner……followed by…..music provided by a big band…….which means Heidi………will want to dance.

Men can’t dance. Their place is at the side of the dance floor getting drunk and laughing at the men who are trying to dance. However, thanks to programs like Dancing with the Stars this is no longer acceptable. Warren Sapp has hurt mankind and thanks to him and the other men who have taken part in the show we are expected…….to dance …………thank you so very much.

No real man should ever dance however there are three exceptions to this rule. Michael Jackson, John Travolta and Patrick Swayze. These are the only men on the entire planet ever to look brilliant and at home…………….on a dance floor.
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In this age of uncertainties you may wonder to what level a man may admire another man. While it is ok to say “I love the way Dwayne Wade can wander around the court looking bored before exploding to life and scoring 30 points in one quarter “it is apparently wrong to say” I love the way Dwayne Wade wears his suits, he can pull of any look efforlessly and in a pair of tight jeans he looks fantastic.”

You see, I am talking about a taboo subject…………………………man crushes………………….the way you express admiration for other men. I think a man crush starts when you project the things that your man crush subject can do that you can’t.
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Hello Everyone,

I am so sorry this blog is late and rather shorter than normal. My internet provider decided to fail meaning BT stood for Bastard Technology. Anyway, after hours of being on hold listening to the music of Burt Bacarack the nice man from the Indian call center fixed the problem. So, its 11.00pm and let me just tell you about my day.
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It’s winter which means people with beards are packing their fur lined underpants and are going skiing.

I hate skiing. I never understand why people ski down a slope to a bar and then go on a lift so they can ski down the same slope again.

That’s like walking to the pub on a Sunday, then going home and walking to the pub again… Madness. I ski to a bar and then go inside for a drink. That’s if I liked skiing at all. The only part of a skiing holiday I like very much are he crystal skies, the jagged mountains that pin-sharp air and all those pretty girls in tight spandex ski pants.
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I love being at home with Heidi but I must admit…….I think I am a little bored now and that probably means……..I have become boring to others and that’s not good. I have been deeply concerned that my blogs may have become boring, as well.

There’s a man I know who I talk to a lot at work either on the phone or in person— I shouldn’t say who in case he’s reading this — and never, not once, in the many years I have known him has he been able to make a single story interesting. Even if he’d just been mugged by a gang of dwarf Hells Angels or walked into his house to find Cameron Diaz dressed as a naughty nurse he’d still fail to bring the tale alive. And pretty soon you’d be wishing you were a horse………. So you could fall asleep standing up.
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The problem with living here in the UK is that I only get to watch my beloved Miami Heat play at 2 am if their game is shown live or on highlight shows, which are random at best. This is because compared to soccer, basketball is as popular as on your cruise having to pay for a steak at dinner and finding out that if you wake up with the munchies at 1 am …………you have to pay to be fed, as well.

It was while I was waiting for Channel 5 to show the Heat beat Vince Crapper and the New Jersey Nets that I got to witness a program called “Brits ……Are We the Worst Tourists?” Now, this was one of those cheap programs full of shots of people from various countries acting like complete idiots……..however, I did compare what the program was saying to what I have seen myself over the last 21 years.
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The talk in the Heald household these past few days has of course been dominated by the Thingy. Heidi is really “showing now” and looks like…..ummm……….me. One of the subjects we have been discussing is how common it seems to be these days for fathers to have the names of their children tattooed someone on their body……..I told Heidi there was more chance of me having a fish and chips lunch with Michael Caine ….. naked …..than me getting the Thingy’s name tattooed on my back.

Heidi replied that David Beckham the world’s most popular female soccer player has all his kids names scribed on his body…………”Am I bothered though,” I replied.

You see, I have never understood the tattoo thing.
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I hope you all had a great night last night and a restful day with the family today. Heidi and I visited some friends for dinner then spent some time with my parents before returning home to see in the New Year. We did this by watching a movie. We could have watched the live firework display from the London Eye but to be honest I am a little over fireworks. I know I sound like a bit of a party pooper, but I really do feel that, as a rule, once you’ve seen one fireworks display, you’ve seen them all.

There just doesn’t seem to have been much progress in the world of the firework. In other areas of life things seem to take huge leaps forward. But, since I was a kid, I can’t remember being blown away by any new, exciting firework. Occasionally you get a particularly big one that makes an almighty noise, but essentially it still just blows up and lets off a colored circle of sparks. Big deal.
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As I am sure many of you will have seen on the news reports that last night a crew member was lost overboard on the Carnival Sensation. I cannot comment on who the crew member was or what happened but I can say that this person was a very popular entertainment team member and our thoughts and prayers are with the family at this terrible time. We must also think of the colleagues left behind and how difficult and emotional it will be for them today.
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