I opened my gift from Heidi this morning that was labeled “for your first day as CD on the Carnival Valor.” I opened it and inside the careful wrapping I found a book called A Loo with A View.The note inside the cover was even better, it read “This is to prove you can do two things at the same time……….poo and read.”………………..charming.
Whatever, A Loo With A View is a splendid little book, featuring toilets around the world that are blessed with spectacular outlooks, from the top of the Alcatraz guard tower overlooking San Francisco Bay, to a bamboo hut said to be the best place to enjoy the sunrise over Mount Sinai. It’s nice to think that there might still be tablets at the top of Mount Sinai, albeit bearing the words “Thou Shalt Wash Thy Hands,” rather than the Ten Commandments.
The author Mr. Barclay states he has not visited each of the 40 panoramic loos pictured in the book, but he’s been to quite a few of them, and suggests in his introduction that it’s a miracle he hasn’t ended up in prison, considering how much loitering he’s done in and around toilets wielding a camera. Even if that had happened, however, my friend Danny took his daughter who was only a few weeks old in her car seat into a cubicle at a freeway rest stop or service station as they are known in the UK. She was fast asleep, but as he sat there, gazing lovingly at her, she began to open her eyes. “Hello little sausage, have you woken up?” he cooed, and only later realized why when he left the cubicle that others in the toilet gave him a very wide berth……a man who talks to his poo … run away!
So, here I am having been a CD now for 24 hours. I always new in the back of my mind that Murphy would in some way shape or form pay me a visit. And indeed he did as you will see from the guest breakdown.
From: VALOR GUEST SERVICES MANAGER
Sent: Sunday, February 22, 2009 9:24 AM
To: Heald, John (CCL)
Subject: International counts
Inder Jolly | Guest Services Manager
TOTAL GUESTS 3,131
NON-US OR CANADIAN
French 98
Spanish 25
Italian 09
German 73
Dutch 09
Portuguese 05
Yep, the largest group onboard……..is from France. Never before has the ship had so many people from France. Don’t worry. I shall be nice. I shall not lower the tone on stage or in this blog. I shall not mention that it was a French person who first took an oyster, cracked one open, peered at the snot inside and thought: “Mmm. I’m going to put that in my mouth.” And I shall recall the e-mail I sent to housekeeping suggesting they remove the soap from the cabins……nope it’s La Fun 4 Tout Le Monde et Tout Le Monde 4 La Fun.
And we have 73 Germans as well. I like the Germans very much. They say they’re very quiet. Well yes, they would be. They have to stay sober and be in bed by nine, because as we know, they do like to get up early …….sorry…………….that was a cheap shot at the German pastime of getting up early to save the sun beds. It’s often said that the Germans don’t have a sense of humor, but look at it this way. They may laugh at desperately unfunny stuff such as Benny Hill and Are You Being Served? but who made it in the first place…….the Brits? Then we have music. Quite apart from Haydn, Handel, Brahms, Beethoven and Bach, can you think of a better pop tune than Nena’s 99 Red Balloons?
And so not unlike the European seasons on Carnival Freedom and Carnival Splendor I start my week off with an international cruise.
Back soon ……………after Jaime.
February 22, 2009
Dear John,
As you may have seen from Claire’s pictures the other day, we recently visited the unique and invigorating port of Puerto Madryn, Argentina. This location is the home to more than 500,000 penguins. Unlike penguins in my hometown – which live at the Detroit Zoo — they survive in the warm weather! In order to visit the habitat of these fluffy featherless friends, both guests and crew had to travel on a two hour bus ride. From what I understand this trek was well worth it. Visitors had the opportunity to see not only penguins, but sea lions, tigers and bears as well. You may not know about these aforementioned creatures, but there are some pretty exotic creatures in South America and you are probably still a pollywog! ::wink::.
Personally, I was helping in assisting the guests to disembark the ship onto their complimentary shuttle into the town of Puerto Madryn. This is nice downtown area with many goods available for purchase. The locals sold their leather goods, their crafts and their second hand jewelry, all for excellent prices. My friend was able to purchase a string of double pearls for only $20! She said that made the trip worth it within itself.
This day had absolutely perfect weather; 75 and sunny with a slight breeze! Those guests that chose not to go onto dry land and enjoy the port had the opportunity to observe the family of sea lions that made a home out of the water and port area directly behind the ship. I was kind enough not to inform these guests that told me about the sea lions that Carnival did actually pay these sea lions to welcome our ship to the city of Puerto Madryn. I am only kidding… it was quite a treat to see!
Another new port and our cruise director Goose had another plaque ceremony. All of the officials and port agents from the city come on board and welcome the ship and we thank them for their services and look forward to our future working relationship together (which may or may not continue depending upon weather or not Carnival revisits this itinerary… I really hope they do!!!) Thank goodness for Goose who speaks Spanish, or else the plaque ceremony wouldn’t be nearly as sentimental, it would simply be… quiet.
Later in the evening once the guests returned to the ship we had a high energy theme party out on the Lido deck. For me, these have been a huge component to the highlights of our on board activities. This evening we had our Rock Around the Horn party! The entertainment department staff dressed up in poodle skirts, jeans (which is such a privilege to wear in guest areas) and other Grease-like attire to celebrate our quick approach to the horn. We also had a genuine, authentic, imitation, ELVIS that happened to be traveling as a guest and volunteered to dress up in his impersonator attire and perform for all to see. I think I found love, he gave me his scarf… to bad he is 70 years old…. Ehh I may have to settle for a sugar daddy!
Tomorrow is the official day that we are at the southernmost tip of South America. Our naturalist on board, Dirk, is going to narrate exactly what we are observing as we make our way around the horn. Captain Pagano has agreed to circle the area where there is the most to see. Now, these waters that we are currently floating in are rumored to be the rockiest in the entire world – where the Pacific and Atlantic oceans meet. I do not want to curse us, but so far it has been smooth sailing! My television, iPod player, laptop and expensive glassware that I keep on the edge of the shelf have all managed to remain intact.
On board I am on a search not only for love, but also Mr. Bill!! I did see him the first day but I think he has disappeared since then because I have been trying to find him to take a photo with the bobble head. Tomorrow night, I will be joining our blog friends Cheryl and Debbie at the Pinnacle Supper Club after visiting Ushuaia. I am very much looking forward to sharing with you the next port of call and all of the wonderful plans on board Splendor.
The Punta Tombo Penguins Courtesy of our Friendly Musician Bryce!
The Penguins Found Love, Why Can’t I!!?!
Your Entertainment Team at the Rock Around the Horn Party!
It is great to be a part of the blogging family!
=) Take Care,
Jaime
Thanks Jaime. I think you need to write a Dear John letter about your love life and your expectations of what Mr. Right looks like…………..maybe there is a blogger out there who fits the bill!
Jaime’s writing keeps getting better and better doesn’t it and we continue to owe her a debt of gratitude for keeping us informed about what’s happening on the Carnival Splendor ………. by the way, for more amazing photos of the ship and the ports have a look at www.zydecocruiser.com and my mate Bill’s brilliant photography.
It’s like riding a bike which because we were so poor when I was young mine had no saddle which explains my high voice and maybe why I have had hemorrhoids since I was 12… ………Anyway, being a cruise director is like riding a bike, you never forget how and I have just finished the boat drill which I did without notes and I am proud to say I did without tripping over my tongue or making any mistakes.
Today’s boat drills are a lot different. They don’t just include information on how to save your life when god forbid the ship ever got into trouble but now contains lots of other safety information. This includes informing guests about environmental procedures, taking care when walking around a moving ship and much, much more. It always infuriates me when after making announcements that the drill is mandatory that when I look down from the bridge I always see one or two people who are sitting on their balconies with a pina margarita thingy and a couldn’t-care-less attitude.
We then send the stateroom steward or in some cases security to inform the guests that they must attend. You have no idea how many give the staff a hard time and today was no exception. Two guests who said they were police officers from Virginia refused to go saying that they were professionals. When the security informed them politely that maritime law stated they must attend the drill they became belligerent and cursed up a storm. As this story was explained to me by the ship’s command I couldn’t help thinking that if anyone needed obey the rules it should be the fine men and women of law enforcement. I also couldn’t help thinking of a Fawlty Towers episode starring John Cleese as the incomparably rude hotelier who when conducting a fire drill at his hotel he uttered those immortal words “I don’t know why we bother……..we should let you all burn.”
Anyway, after a lot of fuss and a lot of swearing Officers Rude and Obnoxious finally attended the drill.
And then off we went heading for the Carnival Valor’s last Eastern Caribbean cruise to Nassau, St. Thomas and St. Maarten. From next week the ship will concentrate on her exotic Western itinerary so I will do my best to make this a last Eastern cruise to remember. Oh, yes, joining us this cruise is an old fried and godfather of comedy Mr. Eddie Capone. He is a very funny man and I know many of you have enjoyed his shows and this cruise he will be performing two late-night comedy shows.
Do you remember how we used to do just one late night comedy show in the main theater at midnight? Well now we have our adult-rated comedy shows performed twice in the ships’ aft lounges. These are usually at 10:45 pm and at midnight. The aft lounges allow for a comedy club feel and bring the entertainer up close and personal. Eddie and I have been friends for many years as you will see from this photo taken in 1993 in our favorite cigar shop in Ocho Rios, Jamaica when we worked on the Carnival Ecstasy together.
Have a look at this.
Oh, how young I was. Did you see my hat? It was made for me by my friend Mrs. Bentley and I still have it at home but Heidi refuses to let me wear it these days.
Anyway, its time to get ready for the show. I decided not to live in the CD cabin. David will be CD again in three weeks and I didn’t feel it was fare to up root him and have him pack 11 months of stuff up just for a few weeks…………I also didn’t want to live there because David’s feet smell like an rotten piece of fish covered in mature cheddar that has been festering inside Dwyane Wade’s jockstrap…………kidding.
Oh, by the way, David did a wonderful job as CD and I am sure he will continue to grow from strength to strength as he begins this fabulous journey. Anyway, I had to wait until after sailing to see if there was an empty cabin and luckily there was so I am in a deck 2 inside aft cabin again but its home and doesn’t smell like Paris.
This does mean that I have to walk to the CD office 10 times a day which is on deck 5 forward but it keeps me fit. I am off now to give my 7:30 pm between dinner sitting announcement about what’s happening onboard. Then its time for a quick dinner onboard (forgot to take my diabetic pill at lunchtime……bugger) and then a shower and prepare for my return to stage which I will tell you all about after the show.
Back soon.
OK, I’m back. Well, I will tell you about the show shortly but first let me tell you what I did wrong today. I was told of my first mistake by a behind-the-scenes manager from another department. I have known this person for some time and honestly he is a pain in the jacksie (www.urbandictionary.com). He or she had made the effort to watch the show and then took great pleasure in coming backstage afterwards and before saying good show or well done or I am sorry that I am one of the most boring people on the earth and I will now do the world a favor and weld my lips together and then blow torch my own nipples off….he said “John, you called the guest services desk the pursers office and they are not called that any more.”
Well, my first reaction was to use my microphone and batter him over the head but instead I swallowed and told him how grateful I was for letting me know. He was right of course. I had said during the show that guests could drop off their Dear John letters of dedication off at the “pursers office” which while I was home in the UK has become the guest services desk……….my mistake, my fault.
This person lives for stuff like this, though. He loves finding the small nit-picking things that are wrong instead of the big things. If he was a security guard at the airport he would be searching a Harry Potter look alike kid but ignore the passenger sweating profusely with wires poking out of his shoes.
So…………was I funny tonight? Well, that’s not for me to say. Jokes are public property. I say this because I have watched two great cruise directors recently in Big Tex and Medium David and both have used some or lots of my jokes, catchphrase and innuendos. Now, they are not the only ones and for many years this used to bother me because it takes me about one year to think of a funny line and when I used to hear others do it I would get very upset. However, in recent years I have accepted that there is nothing that can be done about it…….that’s life. I myself have “borrowed “material if the situation has needed it.
After all, copycat comedy is even more common than plagiarism in literature and music, yet few lawyers ever got rich from stolen jokes, as many have from stolen books and melodies. In October 2007, the American comedian Jerry Seinfeld stood up for his wife, Jessica, when she was accused of ripping off someone else’s recipes in her bestselling cookery book. But he more than most should have understood the complainant’s frustration, since in a roomful of comedians you will find more thieves than Ali Baba ever had.
Yet the problem for comedians is that once a joke is uttered on stage, it becomes public property. Tom tells it, Dick hears it, and by the time it reaches Harry, nobody associates it with Tom. The best Tom can hope for is that Harry murders it. Because if anything causes a sense-of-humor failure in a comedian, it’s hearing his original gag improved by somebody else. So with this in mind I was determined to try new material which I did and most of it went really well. However, I also went back to some old favorites and that was because…………..sssshhhhh…………….don’t tell anyone…………….I was a, little nervous.
Why?
Well, I guess because I had not performed for so long and also because expectations of me from the crew were so high. Anyway, I walked out onstage feeling a little bit unsure of myself but after a few minutes I was back in the flow and I am proud to say that most people laughed out loud.
Now, that wasn’t because of me but because of the characters I had on stage. Let me tell you about them.
Meet Kea. That’s her name although she is now known as something different. When I had fun with her she left so hard she had to wipe tears from her eyes………..I noticed this and therefore called her……..Eye Kea……….I also made mention that she wasn’t flat packed ….which earned me a big laugh from the audience a slap for Eye Kea.
Now, she is sailing with her husband of eight years whose name is Evan. However we have yet to meet him because she had lost him an hour before the show and even though we sent the staff to look in the casino and bars we never did find him. The guests are now all saying “Where’s Evan?”
Say “ola” to Hugo from Venezuela who is traveling with his fiancée Solita. They are getting married on Wednesday in St. Thomas and are here with all their family. Hugo made us all laugh when he said that he had accidentally booked a cabin that was right next door to his mother and father …………poor sod. I invited his parents out for a drink after the show and when I asked Hugo how long I should keep them away from the cabin for he replied “three hours”……….show off!……..yes Heidi………three hours ….. no Heidi ……………..not three minutes……………bugger.
This is Dawn whose husband Ron will be expressing his love publicly all cruise long. This is because he is as romantic as a slug according to his wife and out of the 23 years they have been manacled together he has managed just one as a romantic. So, every time I mention where he is from, Ron must run onto the stage and jump up and down three times, do the Mexican hat dance and express his love to his wife. He did it brilliantly last night…..have a look at these:
Here’ a man who, like me, enjoys a good prime rib dinner. And nobody gets fresher meet than “Big Jim” as he is a cattle farmer from Wisconsin. You can imagine the fun we both had with that especially as he said that being British I was infected with Mad Cow. On a more serious note he proclaimed his love for his wife Monica who had nursed him through a heart bypass operation. A great guy who became an immediate favorite with the audience.
This is Patricia who is from Ottawa. She is also a newlywed having been married to Andre for just two months. They met on a cruise. I asked her what ship and she said without thinking “The Brilliance of the Seas”…………I told her off for swearing on the stage and that there were kids present. I then put her in the corner……..yes I really did ……..in the corner of the stage where she stood with her back to the audience for three minutes. She then came out of the naughty corner and apologized to the audience …………. she was priceless and I sent her a Carnival shirt this morning from the gift shop for being such a great sport.
Here is Spencer, age five. He has a treasure coin which I gave him on stage (a Carnival medallion) which I said came from a sunken treasure ship found in………China. Anyway, last night he placed the medallion (treasure coin) under his pillow because I told him if he did magic would happen………..and when he woke up this morning……………he would find $20 there. If he didn’t…………it meant his Mummy and daddy didn’t love him …. he was a cute as cute can be and soon I hope to have one just like him.
Anyway, it’s 1:43 am and I am very tired so if it’s OK with you I will go to bed now and write more in the morning.
Good morning everyone. It’s 7:45 am and we just docked in Nassau, Bahamas. The sun is already out and at 8:30 am I will be making a PA announcement telling the guests where the gangway is. Its always hard going straight from embarkation to a day in port with no sea day in between to get the what’s, where’s and why’s to the guests. So, I will make a brief announcement this morning and hopefully not disturb too many people……….OK, time to call Heidi and then shower and change and yes………….the last few sentences have been written naked…………..be right back.
It’s been a very bust morning. We had a burst pipe in a guest cabin, a lost child and we set up the laser tag arena in the main lounge. I thought you might like to see some photos taken by our Youth Programming Supervisor Kristi Ainsworth from Canada who is used to shooting moose and bears ………she is now a capable hand with a laser gun.
Have a look at these.
Laser tag will eventually be placed on as many ships in the fleet as possible. It will be for adults and kids alike and there will be a small charge of $5 to take part. We have our first session with the guests later today and I will let you know how it goes…….I have a feeling its going to be very, very popular.
Tonight I have the elegant night events, which means I have to dress up like a waiter and find someone to help me with my bow tie………….Heeeeeeiiiiiidddddddiiiiiiiii.
OK, we sailed away from Nassau and I am just getting ready for Elegant Night.
However, just before I press send I want to give you this late breaking news from the incident report.
Guest: Mrs. ___________- Ref: _________ Cabin: ______ Booking#: _______
Added-Changed: 02/22/09 – 02/22/09
Unhappy with hair braiding
Guest stopped by wanting to speak to the cruise director or the Captain. She had her hair braided ashore in Nassau this morning and has now discovered she has things (insects) living in her hair. Guest was upset that the cruise director did not warn the guests about the dangers of doing this as she knows that’s why her head is itching. GSO explained that she would pass this information to the cruise director and suggested she go and see the infirmary for medication. Guest refused. GSO called House keeping to pay extra attention when cleaning the cabin. Follow up to come and e-mail sent to John.
This is a new one on me. Having your hair braided used to be the law in the Bahamas and these days it still is except it is a little more regulated than the free for all of a few years ago. The ladies I guess use the same brush and comb and braiding thingy to decorate hundreds of heads so its no surprise that this poor lady is itching and has Frank the Flea and his mates living it up on her head and now they get to go on a cruise. Anyway, I have just called the guest and persuaded her to go to the infirmary and get some cream. She has gone now but insists that she not be charged……I said I was itching to help her ……. she didn’t laugh.
I loved being back on stage. I feel like it’s I was meant to do and it’s great to be back. I will return tomorrow with more stories and photos and I will find time to answer some of your questions.
OK, got to go and have a shower. There’s just one problem…………the cabin steward must think I am French………………..there’s no soap in the cabin…………….Le Bugger.
Bonsoir
Your friends
John, Heidi and Le or La Thingy
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
Hi John!
Ugh! Lice on the first day in port? Are you kidding?
This blog is just like the days of old. Nice to see nothing has changed since you were last CDing.
Great letter from Jaime. I have been following along with Mr. Bill’s blog and he has some amazing pics there.
Nice gift from Heidi. Very funny.
Enjoy the rest of the day and look forward to reading more.
Take care!
David
John,
Have a GREAT time being CD again. Know you love it!
I’m now into the 6th day on my cruise on Silversea’s Silver Shadow. At least a third of the passengers onboard are from Great Britain. But, bugger, I’ve started talking like a bloody Brit, and have this unnatural urge to eat fish & chips every day.
There are number of Lords, Ladys, Sirs, and Dames on the ship. They’d likely be quite appalled to hear Mrs. Kuki saying Oh Lord, when addressing me, or Sir Kuki when asking me to pass the butter. Then I keep telling her to act like a lady, not just some Dame. We’re all chagrined that there’s been no spotted dick on the menu yet.
http://www.cruisemates.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=605794
Regards,
Kuki
CruiseMates.com
John:
Great Pitcure of you and Eddie,,,,, Sounds like you are happy to be back at your “Sea HOME”
Best to Hedi and Thingy.
dude!! you are back in the saddle! (where you are the master). carnival, are you listening? we had a lovely cruise with noonan and told him he is second only to you. lovely ship, the destiny. hope to see you soon!
bonnie and prince charlie
John about the loo with a view, we did have such a pleasure on our cruise on the Freedom. When we were in Naples we took a private tour that took us to Positano for lounge. There high in the montains there is a restaurant called La Tagliata. Eugenio went for his usual inspection of the bathroom but this time he remained there much longer. When he came back he told me that I had to go to the bathroom, curious I inmediately went to encounter an stunning view from the loo of the incredible town of Positano and the sea. WOW! I’m glad you are happy doing what you do best Enjoy!
Jaime:
Great job!! i hope one day soon your journey brings you to Puerto Rico so I can meet you.
1+1=2 Why someone has to tell her that she can get lice if she uses another person’s comb?? HELLO!!
excellent blog, glad to have you back doing what you were born to. Not that i minded your others, these are just better and I love the incident reports.
PLEASE REPLY
John,when you said David, the CD would be back in the cruise director’s cabin in 3 weeks., Does that mean you will NOT be the CD or be on board the Valor when we sail March 29th?
Countess Carolyn………. please tell me it’s not so sobbing and crying
John,
Forgot to add… The John Heald bobble head sold on ebay for $47. wow, I think I’ll sell mine now.
Hi John!
Loved the gift Heidi sent you. What a sweetheart!
Hard to believe you were nervous, you’re such a natural on the stage.
Never considered having my hair braided before, but you can be sure I certainly won’t be entertaining the idea in the future! I’m sure Mach will appreciate that!
Good luck with the French!
A big hello to Heidi & Thingy,
Stitch
(the girl)
Dear John I know its great to back in your element.Great gift by Heidi every man should have a book of loo are is that poo?loved the incites from Jamie keep up the good work kiddo.Best wishes to Heidi and the little Thingy.Take care Gary and Bug
PLEASE REPLY
JOHN WILL YOU BE THE C.D. ON THE VALOR SAILING 03/29/09 ?????
TOM & JANE
John, for you, being on a stage is just like riding a bicycle…. once you know how, you never forget! I hearing about the different people you meet along the way, and share their stories with us.
Can’t wait to play Laser Tag!
John,
I shared the pictures of the Laser Tag with my husband and boys ages 9 and 12. We will be on the Valor in 20 days, not that I am counting. They were so excited to see the Laser Tag. I hope you will offer a frequent tagger card because I will probably spend more there than on DODs. Anyway the boys were running around the house all excited. Way cooler than a rock wall.
Keep the wonderful blogs coming. They make our cruise seem closer everyday!
It sounds so great just hearing all the fantastic things that took place onboard the ship from you. I can see what you mean, being a CD is in your blood and you are where you belong. Be to go friend.
You know what you should have done with those two beligerent cops, put them in the brig. LOL
It seems that being on stage is in your blood. Continue with the thing you love the most either then Heidi. By the way, how is the little mother – to – be feeling? Have a great week John.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
John:
Great blog. I was so reminded of our cruise on the Glory when you had a couple from Florida doing the I love you thingie. This man was so funny, anytime he heard you mention his hometown, he would drop to his knees no matter where they were and say “I Love You” to his wife. They were the most popular couple on the ship. I also remember how you rewarded them with some lovely gifts for being such good sports.
I am just feeling like I am on the cruise with you.
You are where you belong. Keep up the great blog. Sorry for the lady with the livestock in her head. Now I am glad I never had the desire for braids.
Enjoy your cruise and send my good wishes to Heidi and the little thingie.
Marie
John, it is sooo good to have you back as CD and to have all your wondreful “tales” from the ship.
Really enjoy Jamie too.
Jennifer
John:
Please thank Jamie for the wonderful blog she is sharing with us on the Splendor and the great ports. When you retire (in about 50 years) maybe she can take your place.
Marie
Don’t worry, John – you’re not the only one slipping on the “guest services desk” title. Last week on Glory one of the staff members paging a guest asked her to contact “the Purser’s – er, the Guest Services – desk.” As for me, it’s still Purser, not Guest Services, and passenger, not guest.
The cruise on Glory was great. James Charlton subbed for Butch as CD and was very good. However, he was outdone by a man married 50+ years whom he called onstage during the Welcome Aboard Show and who, upon being asked whether he was looking forward to romance during the cruise (we sailed Valentine’s Day), proudly announced that he had brought along his “little purple pills.” Poor James – I wasn’t quite sure he was going to recover from that one.
John,
Great to see you are back in your “element!”
Loved the stories and the photos. Ilda has her hair braided every time we cruise. She still has the braids and beads she got on our wonderful “Juan’s Beach Party” in Cozumel on the last “bloogers” cruise! She has never had a problem. You can usually tell who has a clean operation and who doesn’t. You just need to pay attention. The laser tag sounds fantastic! I would love to participate in that one day. John, I think it would be HILARIOUS if you could talk John Cleese into recording a Basil Faulty version of the life boat drill! “Good day! This is your muster drill officer, Basil Faulty. I know you would rather be flittering about the ship, drinking your fancy cocktails and acting like complete twits. Instead, you are being forced against your will to stand in the stifling heat of the Caribbean, wearing a ridiculously hot and unflattering life vest and waiting for hundreds of your fellow cruisers to be ferreted out of their hiding places by our intrepid crew, trying to avoid the inevitable. You will notice that your life vest has a belt and buckle system to assure that it is securely in place in the event that this leaking tub goes down. Don’t bother trying to figure out how to fasten it, as you will be drunker than a pickled herring and won’t even be able to locate your cabin, let alone your life vest. In the event that this over-loaded vessel does encounter an iceberg, or a wayward whale, it really won’t matter much whether you’ve paid attention to where the life boats are located, or how and where to find your life vest. That’s because this ship will become a floating mass of chaos, with every man, woman and child fending for themselves. I will ask you to look at the person to your right and left, as well as your front and back. These will be the very same individuals who will be clawing, scratching and beating you to one of the many lifeboats on this ship while it is going down. In the event of a real emergency, please pay strict attention to your bartender, as he will be providing free drinks, along with a water-proof coupon offering 25% off a future cruise. The drink of the day, “The Titanic” will be offered free of charge to all brave souls willing to “hang.” This has been your muster drill officer Basil Faulty. Please have an enjoyable cruise. Oh, to those who were hiding out while the other guests stood suffering in the heat waiting for you to join us… Please watch your backs.”
Might be fun!
Your friend,
Lance.
John,
Welcome back! Your blogs are ALWAYS great, but it was definitely great to have the old style blogs back with stories ranging from the stage to the hysterical guest comments. It is evident that you love your job, and my theory is that people always do their best at what they love to do. While I have never been fortunate enough to have you as our cruise director, I KNOW you are the best out there, and I hope to be able to sail with you in the near future.
This blog really was great. I might be planning a big family cruise on the Dream for next December, and I have a few questions coming for you in the next few days. While I have heard great things about Todd, I really wish you were the CD… it would make our family reunion/celebration cruise that much better. Maybe you and Heidi and the thingy will consider celebrating the thingy’s first New Year’s aboard the Dream?
Anyway, the laser tag idea is great. Creative ideas like this really are great additions to Carnival’s activity list. I have one idea to add to this which I think would make this even better and “cooler,” but I don’t know if it is possible. If there is a large space on deck on some ships, maybe the laser tag can be moved outside on some nights, and it can be played in a secure area away from the side of the ship under the stars in the dark at night… not sure if this is possible though.
Also, does Carnival have any plans on bringing back daytime “horseracing?” As long as this is not overdone, this was a great ship activity.
Ok… this is getting too long, so I will end it here. Welcome back to CD! Keep up the great blogs, and keep having fun…. because I can tell you are not only enjoying your job, but that you are also doing an amazing job at it.
Speak to you soon.
-Matt
John, here is hoping that next week a balcony cabin is available and you can occupy that cabin instead…balcony cabins are the best…suites are better, but a wee more expensive..
I have to ask, is Matt behaving himself? he looks like he is having a good time at laser tag. Damn, he is a hottie too, alas, he is too young, but Alex, oh Alex, he’s the right age….sure hope he jumps over to the Freedom for April, or Splendor for September….
Hi John,
Came across this article this morning, right up your alley. If you’d like a change of scenery, perhaps you could get late application in!
http://news.ninemsn.com.a/article.aspx?id=753263
Cheers
Lyndal
Ok, I’ll try to find Jaime again.
Perhaps tomorrow night, but I know she can be busy with the activities.
As you know John, I do have a girlfriend, so I’m afraid Jaime will have to keep looking for Mr Right…
But what harm could a bobble head pic do? I might even bring my John Fan along.
mr bill
Please Reply John!
John, sounds like things went pretty smoothly. I know you Brits and us Canadians spell words properly, like colour, neighbour, labour, practise, etc etc but what is with and I quote: “It’s been a very bust morning. We had a burst pipe in a guest cabin…”
I mean really, John! All that talk about the 3 hour marathon of hope that the young man was going to engage upon whilst you kept his parents busy with drinks, he lied to you by the way…but then you gleefully type on and replace the word “busy” with “bust”…where was your mind??? Okay, obviously the “t” and “y” are neighbours – and I could not pass up an opportunity to heckle. I would never do that in person because, I am Canadian, polite, always sorry, and easy fodder for any well spoken British or American CD…well at least on Carnival…I might get away with heckling on one of those as you say the “nationofwhynot” cruises! ; )
Hey John,
We were so excited to find out you would be the CD of our upcoming Valor cruise! You were the CD last year on our cruise and we had such a ball we could not stop telling people how much fun we had onboard, and we are still talking about it. In today’s blog you said that you were only going to be on the Valor for 3 more weeks and we are going sailing on March 8 are you still going to be on the ship?? We hope so and can’t wait!! Can’t wait to see you and the ship!
John – Glad you are back to being the CD. Can’t wait for the stories.
Jamie – Thanks so much for the blogs you have been writing.
Welcome back to where you belong, my friend… on stage. You KNOW you were born for it and you do it brilliantly.
My goodness, Jaime is getting just dramatically good in her blogs!! She has a not so well hidden talent that she needs to exploit. Good for her. She’s a gem!!!
Are you going to do the Bedtime Story?? You know you owe us one!!!!
Ciao, my friend!!
Host Mach
Jamie and John — you’ve GOT to convince the higher-ups to redo this itinerary around South America. We want to go soooo bad!!!!!
LOVE your blog
John,
Valor, That was my 1st ship. It’s amazing, and we did the same cruise you are on now. So many memories from that week. Those hair braiding ladies are so funny. A friend decided to get her hair braided there as well. We learned a very valuable lesson that day. ASK HOW MUCH IT WILL COST FIRST. After they spent 45 minutes doing her hair, the lady said $175. IT was crazy. So finally got her talked down, but still an expensive experience. Thank goodness she didnt get any company living on her head. We had Chris as our CD and what a funny guy. Had a blast. One night on our cruise the nightly entertainment missed the boat and they came up with their own show for the night they called “If I were not on a cruise ship what would I be doing.” OH MY I NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD. I wish I could see that show again. Anyways, enjoy your time on the Valor. It’s a nice ship.
Rob
Hap Hap Happy Mardi Gras!
Bet they are having some fun in New Orleans!
Note to Jaime:
I’m in cabin 2216. Maybe we can find a time that will work for the picture.
Or 8pm dining in Ken’s dining room.
Trying to head out to the end of the world, now.
Just got home from the Glory, ship was dirty and the food was not good, not good at all, not sure will use carnival any more, i am so sad.
ann-marie busby
John – Please reply:
We enjoyed meeting you in person on the Blogger’s cruise and I hope that you and Heidi enjoy the “Daddy’s little thingy” onesie we brought you. I have a question. We are sailing with family and friends on the May 31st sailing of the Legend. I am trying to arrange for my son, who is on active duty with the Air Force, to join us on the ship as a “surprise” for the family. Since he will probably be staying in our cabin since a single supplement costs so much more, is it possible for my son to check-in separately from us? I was thinking it would be great fun for him to show up at dinner time and surprise the family but wasn’t sure if this was possible or not. Thanks ahead of time for answering when you get the chance! Love reading the “guest services” complaints again. I’ve missed them!
John,
Great you beeing Cd again.
I saw Eddie last November again. Love him very much, but he does not use his toupee anymore.
Do try your bow tie … may be up to 20 times like i do, once you´ll get it done do not untie it again.
As i am German me not going to bed at 09:00 p.m. on cruises, but still getting up early enough i do not like to start fighting about sun chairs, not beeing a real german sunshader, as i definetly prefer sunshading chairs, i always find a decent spot onboard.
Jaime, Great Blog again
Ralf
John Please reply:
Please tell me you are for sure going to be the CD on the March 15th sailing?
My family is coming from Oklahoma and is excited to have you as a CD, especially my fiancee who is a first timer!
Jordan
Oh John you are so funny , we could imagine sitting in the audience watching you tell funny jokes and we could almost feel like we were on board , looking forward to having a dance , heading on deck for an evening stroll , we could almost feel the warm carribean air , then we realized we were in the kitchen reading the blog and well now we are itching due to the whole hair braiding saga . I am sure its just like yawning – you see someone do it and you have to yawn . Its not possible not to . Now we are wishing we could be on a lovely cruise enjoying your comedy routines , and watching many grown men make fools of themselves cause you told them to. all the while feeling like we need a trip to the drug store to get head medicine . It is not a laughing matter , but hello really , why would someone complain to you on Carnival for their own choice to have their hair braided on the side of the street in a strange country . I am sure they did not pull the comb out of the blue liquid that is supposed to kill all those creepy crawly things .
It sounds like you have been well provided for in the bathroom department . Hope the laundry went well .and glad to hear you are settled in for the next few weeks . Best wishes to Heidi , Thingy and here is a copy of our daughters prize winning poem – inspired by Carnival and the Blog . She made herself 50 dollars and is very pleased .
A Carnival Dream
We’ve surfed and we’ve read web sites on line,
Reading blogs and reviews making many cruise ships shine.
Carnival Funships like Liberty, Sensation and Freedom just a few that come to mind,
Upon reading John Heald’s blog the Carnival Dream we did find.
Thanks to John Heald best Cruise Director and Blogger on line,
Who lead us to discover Carnival Dream setting sail in September, Two Thousand and Nine.
From romantic suites to family fun,
The Carnival Dream offers everything under the sun.
Now we surf the website looking at our Dream,
Pictures of water slides, restaurants , suites all made ready by Carnival’s remarkable team.
Looking forward to her exquisite cuisine and entertainment galore,
We searched and we read up on her some more.
Weighing 130,000 ton,
There is no question that she will be fun.
Searching the Carribean Islands we’ll see,
With excursions galore we wonder what will be.
Alas it will be a long time till we set sail,
But we continue to look forward to our trip without fail.
We will keep dreaming of Carnival deck plans,
Reading John’s blog as he and many others work on their tans.
Here’s to dreaming of fun while sitting under the sun,
Dreaming of Fun for All , and All for Fun .
Thanks for the inspiration – She was very pleased and felt it was the best poem she ever wrote .
Again on stage…. Welcome home!!!
Overture, curtains, lights,
This is it, the night of nights
No more rehearsing and nursing a part
We know every part by heart
Overture, curtains, lights
This is it, you’ll hit the heights
And oh what heights we’ll hit
On with the show this is it
Tonight what heights we’ll hit
On with the show this is it
Happy Mardi Gras!
The Flying (Bugs) Dutchman
Hi John!
New Bobblehead auction up…
http://cgi.ebay.com/JOHN-HEALD-BOBBLEHEAD-LANYARD-MOUSEPAD-BAG-CARNIVAL_W0QQitemZ140303428240QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item140303428240&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1205%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50
Check it out.
John:
Welcome home!!
Short note to let you know that the surgery went well and thanks to Stephanie’s excellent description of everything that would happen…there were no surprises.
Well, there was one surprise…some of the gas that they use to “blow up the area” (doesn’t that sound delightful) has settled into my right shoulder and hurts like H@LL.
I have often wondered, if after inflating a patient’s tummy area….if anyone has flown around the operating room like a ballon with the air escaping???
DJ is taking great care of me. He came and waited with David at the hospital at 6AM Monday morning…until we were done by Noon…and was so patient.
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
Dear John,….Please reply
I’m not sure if you are answering questions now that you are a busy CD again, and I am also wondering whether you would have answers to my questions considering you prefer not to spend time on the beaches, so maybe someone else has some experience and could answer these for me.
On my upcoming cruise (27 days and counting….I’m so excited) to the Eastern Carribean on the Carnival Destiny, my grandson and I have booked shore excursions that include “Swimming with the Dolphins” at the Atlantis Resort, and two days of snorkelling at Half Moon Cay and Grand Turks. I know we will need money, credit card, passports and sail-and-sign-cards and other stuff with us while we are off the ship, but is there going to be anywhere for us to store our valuables while enjoying the water activities?
I remember on our Mediteranean cruise last summer on the Carnival Freedom, we did the trip to the beach in Messina, Sicily, but there was no place to leave our valuables so I didn’t feel right about leaving our things unprotected while we went into the water, especially as the loungers provided to us were quite a hike away from the water’s edge. The only way we could do it was for only one of us to enjoy the water at a time.
I am assuming there will be lockers at the Atlantis Resort, because of the water park there too, so I am wondering if we’ll need US coins to operate them or will they take Canadian money? We’ll be snorkelling off a small boat at the other two locations, so will we be able to leave our belongings safely onboard somewhere?
Just as a side note I am looking forward to showing my grandson this part of the world and know the pleasure he will get from his snorkelling experience. Many years ago, in 1974 my husband and I moved our family from England to live in Freeport on Grand Bahama Island for 2 1/2 years and my kids spent all of their spare time swimming and snorkelling as we did, until we moved to Canada in 1977.
I really enjoy reading your blogs everyday, and they just get me more and more excited about our upcoming cruise, and I just wish my late husband and I had tried cruising before he passed away. We always thought it was way beyond our means but now that I have tried it once I feel it’s the only way to go. If I lived closer to one of the embarkation ports I think would take a cruise every other week. For us, living in Alberta, Canada the air fare costs more than the cruise, but it’s worth every minute I spend standing on my feet for 8 hours a day working at the local Safeway supermarket. Maybe I should send in my resume (CV) after all, to the company that hires the gift shop personel.
Thanks for listening…Irene Garner
Welcome back as CD, John! Now deal with the lice issue as it’s all your fault, you know. If not that, you can always blame it on the French.
Great meeting you last week, and thank you!
Cheers,
Alan Klevan
Newton, MA
John,
Welcome back to the CD throne where you are KING! Or is that the CD LOO? Best Wishes!
James & Nancy
Hi John:
Please Reply
Sir Richard Branson owns an Island, Necker Island and you can rent some cliff houses. There is one that has an outside bathroom.
Is this in your book? On TV several years ago, Sir Richard had a show about picking a new executive out of a group of survivor type applicants and the semi finalists spent some time on necker and the “loo” was outside with a spectacular view of the ocean.
As I recall, the one that undressed at a Wimbley concert got the job, could be mistaken.
Dear John:
Loved reading your blog!! My husband and I loved our first cruise on The Liberty last April/May. Of course the reason we cruised was because our son is a showcase band drummer for Carnival. We will be cruising with him again in October on The Triumph (Canada/New England). So for us it’s all about the music. But the whole experience was just wonderful. Now, the reason I am writing, is that I want to thank you for the on-stage pictures that you included in your last blog. Because, guess who was on the bandstand behind you? So thanks for those pics which included our son!! Nice surprise so THANKS AGAIN!!
Best Wishes, Jeff’s Mom
Hey John,
Welcome back to the stage.
Well we had a BLAST on the Miracle and everyone on the crew was great.
From our cabin steward Teburcio to Frankie the Maitre’d and our wait staff of Manuel and Ilayja we were treated like royalty.
A special thanks to Richard and Frankie the casino dealers that helped me leave the ship with enough money to book our next cruise. Thanks guys!!!
John, a special thanks to you for helping arrange our supper club night on Valentine’s day. It was a great evening of good food and service and a LOT of romance. ……and some after dinner as well. LOL
I see why you think Grand Turk is a great port.
We had a very relaxing day at the beach and I came home with two beautiful Conch shells from the beach that will always remind me of this great cruise. We did see the Valor in St. Maarten on our cruise but I don’t think you were back from the Bloggers cruise on that day.
I see by the other posts that the Bloggers cruise was a roaring success. Can’t wait to cruise with you someday in the future.
I was surprised that we didn’t hear from you while we were on the MIRACLE but Brent kept us all in stitches with his humour and guess who made an appearance? Willie Banger……at least Brent called out his name as a prize winner! LOL
All the best,
B&D from Canada
PS…..HI HEIDI and soon to be thingy!
Ok, it’s official. Jaime and I have a “date” tonight.
{just kidding, Honey}
Also, someone pointed out that there is a webcam in Ushuaia and Carnival Splendor is all over it, today…
http://www.tierradelfuego.org.ar/v4/_eng/index.php?seccion=12
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Loved todays blog. I have missed you being CD, too.