So, here we are docked at the island of Roatan, which, together with Utila, Guanaja and 65 small cayes, makes up the Bay Islands, off the north coast of Honduras. Long and thin, like a miniature Cuba in a hidden corner of the Caribbean, Roatan is an island that cruise ship traffic is just waking up to. Like its more established nautical neighbors, it has pristine white beaches, swaying palms and a tropical interior, home to parrots, iguanas and monkeys. It also has the laid-back atmosphere that comes with an average annual temperature of 80F and year-round sun. On Roatan, though, the atmosphere has a Latino twist, a product of being simultaneously part of the Caribbean and Central America.

The twist — “Yeah, maaan” one minute, “Si, si” the next — runs through everything on the islands, not least the islanders themselves. Mr. Google tells me that it is a former British territory, ceded to Honduras in 1859; the Bay Islands today are home to the descendants of white Cayman Islanders, freed black slaves and more recent Honduran emigrants from the mainland. The result is an ethnically diverse mix, some speaking Spanish, others English, with many speaking a strange hybrid of both. Along the main strip on Roatan’s West Bay, Woody’s Groceries sits next to La Pulperia; hawkers on the beach sell both ice cream and helados; while in the beachfront bars, reggae vies with salsa. Ask a Roatanian what he’s up to and more often than not the answer will be: “Nada-much mon.”
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So, here we are today in Grand Cayman and I have a few confessions to make about this luxurious island. Firstly, let’s go back 21 years. Here’s a confession of ignorance. I never had any idea of the location of the Cayman Islands and when I discovered my first ship the Holiday would be calling there in 1987, I consulted an atlas and discovered that these islands were not where I had imagined them to be — somewhere in the Pacific — but were tucked away in the Caribbean, just below Cuba and not all that far from Jamaica. Then again some passengers still think that they are going to the Grand Canyon……….but that’s a whole other story.

I suspect that my ignorance was shared by many. But, these days, the Cayman Islands have become much better known. Firstly, there is no doubt that the cruise industry has helped define the island as a major tourist destination as did Tom Cruise. Back in the days when he was normal and before the days when he would be seen bouncing up and down on Oprah’s couch like a frog on crack, he actually made good movies. One such movie was The Firm. This portrayed Cayman as a place where the rich and famous had their money and where they would go to spend it…..it’s a great movie and Gene Hackman is particularly brilliant.
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The laws and regulations of the world will soon state that you will be sentenced to life in a Turkish prison if you accidentally tread on a Mongolian Dung beetle, you will not be able to rumpy pumpy without the government’s permission or a few drinks with your friends after work. Cheese will have to be marked with a government health warning and you will be prevented from telling jokes about men, women, Muslims, Catholics, President Obama and the French.

The Teletubbies will only be allowed on television with a parental warning, in case children are enticed into Stinky Pinky’s world, you will not be allowed to get your dog to kill a rat — because it’s a wild animal — and smoking in your own home or car will be punishable by death. Yep………….the laws get stranger and more ludicrous each and everyday……However, as I sit here at breakfast on the Carnival Valor’s Lido Deck the law I wonder about the most is……………how should you discipline your child if he or she behaves like a total brat?
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1. Alastair, for those of us who have note can you tell us about you. Where are you from and how has your journey taken you to your current position

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Melody Asked:
John,
Maybe you can get some information for me regarding a future sailing. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the schedules of New Orleans sailings of the Triumph for the month of June 2010. I am planning a group sailing and we would like the Miami, Freeport, Nassau itinerary. If you could gather this information and bring it on the Bloggers Cruise, we would love to book it at that time. Also, my husband and I were married on August 3, 2008. We are available for your Newlywed Game on the Blogger’s Cruise.
Regards,
Melody
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Today…………it’s all about the telephone.

My mate Alan called me this morning ……….at 6:15am Miami time ……bastard …………… anyway, once I heard why he had called I sat up in bed, shocked and ready to help my best mate because he was really in poo street ………… because ……….. He had forgotten Valentine’s Day. His wife had come home from shopping this morning and given him a card and stood there waiting for hers……….and he had nothing to give.  Now, as the dreadful realization dawned, he had to take decisive action. What should he do?

“Emigrate,” I said thoughtfully “and then take an axe and chop of your thingy as you will obviously never need it again”……. Alan didn’t seem to appreciate this advice very much so I apologized and suggested an axe was too big and that he would need a more precision instrument such as a small Swiss Army Knife to perform the surgery with……. he didn’t appreciate that advice either.
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It seems that while I have been on board the Carnival Fantasy these past five days that lots has been happening in the world. Time didn’t allow me to watch any news but this morning as I began reading the BBC week in review on my lap top dancer I came across the most important piece of news that I had missed.

Michael Phelps the Olympic uberfish gets caught smoking a marijuana pipe – brilliant. Not just a crafty reefer either, but a huge bong-type contraption straight out of Cheech and Chong. I know it’s wrong but it actually made me find him a little more interesting. Up until this photographic revelation inspired by the British gutter press (who else) I’d always been tempted to hit the snooze button whenever Phelps was mentioned. Obviously, his Olympic achievements are extraordinary but he just lacked the X factor.

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Here are two more videos from the blogger’s cruise. Normal blogging service will resume tomorrow.

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Unlike travel and cruise journalists, I do not get to stay at ritzy, champagne-drenched, Michelin-starred, exotic hotels in sun-kissed, faraway places. I’d love to eat a swan at Seabourn’s expense and spend my life licking the goose fat from the hand that feeds me, but I am a simple cruise Director. I like to think I am a journalist. I know that proper journalists will say “Bollocks, are you a proper journalist ” and that and explain that two years writing a blog and saying “bugger” a lot don’t make me a journalist, any more than the fact that I have an English accent gives me the right to play the part of Mr. Darcy in Pride and Thingy.

But be that as it may, I love journalism. And I crave the company of journalists. And this cruise I got to spend time with some of the nation’s best cruise journalists and this morning in a press panel environment they shared their love of cruising with all of us. They answered the questions that the bloggers posed with sincerity and great thought. We learned that the print media is in serious trouble and that newspapers quickly must adapt in order to survive. I love reading a newspaper, especially on a Sunday. However, it seems the writing is on the wall or in this case the writing is on the internet as that’s where everyone agreed the future lay. Every one of the press corps also agreed that this had been a wonderful cruise and the ship and her crew had been outstanding. I was going to report on what they had to say but, like a broken pencil……..that would be pointless. Here instead is a list of the press who were here with us and link thingies to their websites etc.
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Hi Everyone,

Here are two video updates for your viewing pleasure. We’re having a great time on the Carnival Fantasy. Wish you were here!!

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