In the past, if a cruise director tells a joke that isn’t funny or says something inappropriate he or she was booed or if it’s really bad a member of the fruit family is hurled at us …… and a pomegranate traveling at high speed can be very painful.

However, that was then ………today, we face a new and much more potent weapon.

Shoe-throwing is the in thing. Everybody is at it. I fully expect somebody to put in an application for it to become an Olympic sport in 2012. The joy of this activity is that anyone can do it – you don’t need specialist equipment or clandestine training.

If someone is annoying you, simply remove your shoe and hurl it at them.
(more…)

I love Abba. I love the music, the lyrics and if you were to pass by my shower you would find me washing my bottom singing “Waterloo.”

However…………it seems admitting you love Abba is the same as admitting you have sexual feelings for Judge Judy. …………..especially if you are a famous politician.

It’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. Does Vladimir Putin, the Russian prime minister, dance secretly to the music of Abba or do we think he’s really more of a Led Zeppelin man?
(more…)

After a long day I decided to take the thirty four Stephanie’s, Tom, and Tony out for dinner as a thank you for their wonderful hard work yesterday at the charity event and beyond…………by the way, wasn’t Tom’s video brilliant yesterday?

Anyway, off we went to Bourbon Street and after trying one or two of the recommended places and finding them full…….we ended up at a restaurant that none of us had ever tried before called Embers Steakhouse.

Now, I have enjoyed many a fine meal in New Orleans – the city’s cuisine is legendary – and there are times on this blog thingy of mine that I may amplify what happens in my life a wee bit but not on this occasion…………..because quite honestly it was the worst food and the worst service I have had in a long, long time. I will come back and describe what I mean in a moment but for now lets just say this…………..if I had to choose between eating my dinner out of Dwyane Wade’s jockstrap after a winning game…………… or eating at Embers again…………let’s just say that Dwayne my find a ketchup stain or two in his underwear.

Service……………..what’s happened?
(more…)

Heidi and I have given money to various African charities for some years now including an adopt a child organization. However, I have always had a I fear that no matter how much money I pump in, the bejeweled bastards that run the place will pump it straight back out again, into the coffers of Kalashnikov and Mercedes-Benz. The one thing I would love to send to the Dark Continent is a team of Delta Force and SAS hit men to shoot the likes of Mr. Mugabe and that pig from Chad in the middle of their faces.

We get sent leaflets and information packs all the time about the child that Heidi chose to sponsor this year. She is called Baako which in African means “born first”…………..my name is John and means toilet.

Seriously though our 25 pounds sterling a month we are told by the organization helps Baako lead a better life and our money will cover her food, education, health and housing for one year……….that’s $400…….to live on in a year.
(more…)

So, last night I went to the movies……..alone………not something I would recommend because as I headed to my seat people were giving me very funny looks ……….maybe they thought I was a flasher or something. Anyway, armed with my bucket of Diet Coke and some Nachos el Grande which could have fed the five thousand I settled down to watch a movie called “The Wrestler.”

Now……I choose this movie for two reasons. Firstly, the cinema was not one of those giant multi-screen ones, instead the Canal Street movie theatre only shows four movies and therefore my choice was limited. I had already seen Slumdog Millionaire and I had not heard of the other two whose names escape me…..so that was me with an appointment to see Micky Rourke and his biceps.
(more…)

I got the taxi driver today………..you know………the one who likes to talk……….and he only wanted to talk about one subject……….his beloved New Orleans. It was my fault really as it was me that asked the question “How close is the city to getting back to normal?”………he replied, “The tourist areas are coming back nicely but there is still much work to be done” and then for the next 15 minutes he told me all about Hurricane Katrina and how if he ever met George Bush he would have something to say. Honestly, though, his account of Katrina and its aftermath were morbidly fascinating. He showed me the water lines on some of the buildings and explained how large portions of the outskirts of the city are still uninhabited. He says the government still has not done enough to help and now with the credit crunch many of the projects are on holdYep, the city has a vibrant French Quarter and history dating back to the bluebloods of the 18th century and now New Orleans now has a more macabre tourist attraction – a Hurricane Katrina disaster tour. The taxi driver actually offered me the full tour if I wanted it for only $69………….information he said was in the back of the seat pocket thingy. And indeed it was. The brochure offered to take me on a three-hour journey around a number of flooded neighborhoods, including one called Lakeview. Other landmarks to be visited include the Superdome stadium where thousands of evacuees were housed for days in appalling conditions.
(more…)

I am not sure if you have heard but the UK is covered in snow and it has shut down airports, roads, schools, buses and life itself. I watched CNN from my tiny little petit chambre this evening and had to hide under the covers in embarrassment as CNN beamed back reports from London……………How much snow??? And it stopped you doing what??? Pah! Said the Wolf Blister with complete and utter scorn………the bearded bastard. Laughing at the great British weather is almost as enjoyable for foreigners as snorting at the great British unpreparedness for extreme weather.

Being British in the snow is like going on a cruise with 5,000 passengers on a cruise ship and being surprised that you had to wait three hours for room service? In London on Monday, it was minus 2C. The Siberians and some Canadians would be sunbathing.
(more…)

What a brilliant Super Bowl it was and congratulations to Ben Doublecheeseburger and the Peelers. I really enjoyed the gloriously over-the-top spectacle of glitz, glamour and show business – and that’s just the halftime show. I spoke to my mate Alan this morning and asked if he watched it and he said………….”It’s so over the top, they’re just pansies in padding, it goes on for ever.”

These are the most common complaints. I happen to love the fact that the clock can stop when play does. This means that, as a spectator who has paid serious money to get a ticket, you get your money’s worth.
(more…)

Today, the guests on the Carnival Fantasy, like most of North America and indeed most of the world will sit down to watch the Super Bowl which features the Arizona Cardigans against the Pittsburgh Peelers. The Super Bowl is not quite the right event to mark the birth of a newer, humbler and saner America. Here’s what I know about the game.

American football has always been the Republican Party at play. It celebrates might and size. The Super Bowl is a multiple orgasm of showbiz and commerce, and the MVP — Most Valuable Player thingy — traditionally goes to Disneyland……when he should, of course, go on a Carnival cruise.

It will attract more viewers than President Obama’s inauguration, spark more heated debate than the war in Iraq and practically bring the country to a standstill. But it will pass with barely a murmur in the UK where American Football is still widely seen as a bunch of over-padded men throwing a rugby ball in the wrong direction and stopping every 30 seconds for a snack……….and that’s a shame because there are many reasons to watch this game…..here then for my British Bloggers are reasons you should watch the game
(more…)