Feeling the Heat

We are still waiting for the Thingy and meantime there are continuing signs that indeed my life has changed forever. One of these is that I no longer have control of ……and I can hardly bring myself to say it………the remote control. Heidi spends her evenings on the couch with her feet up these days instead of doing what she is supposed to like emptying the dishwasher and washing my underpants. Now she wants to relax and that means she has command of the remote control which meant last night I was forced to watch something called…………..Supernanny.

You don’t just get parenting tips from Supernanny Jo Frost. You get reassurance that however catastrophic your own home life is it isn’t anywhere near as bad as the poor buggers you see on the TV. The dynamic behind last night’s family was: Mum is still breast-feeding the three-year-old, and all three children punch, kick and swear from morning till night. As for Supernanny, the kids reckon “she’s a crap idiot” and they “wish she was dead.” She sorted them out, of course by putting them on the naughty step and shoving their heads in a blender. She may be a good nanny but this program doesn’t make it easier to love your fellow human beings and you wonder what the kids do once the Hulk-like presence of the Suppernanny buggers off.

Yep, and after Supernanny it was time for Despicable Housewives and then………the toe curling vomit inducing America’s Next Top Anorexic……..sorry………Model. I hate not being in command of the remote control and if I dare to suggest that I go watch the TV in bedroom I get that hurt, you don’t love me and I am pregnant and you are a complete bastard and I am going to tell my Mum. Look. Forget Lorena Bobbitt, the best way to castrate a man is to take away the remote control. It really is the worst thing a woman can do which of course is why women enjoy doing it so much.

There are so many things we could be watching at one time and for women to deny us of this basic instinct should be illegal and any woman found doing it should be made to wear her husband’s underwear as a hat for one week. I can see myself buying the Thingy every kind of toy that has flashing lights and that makes squeaks and noises yet I know already that Heidi will train it to only want to play with MY remote control. Heidi always comes into the room and grabs the remote saying “You’re not watching anything.” And technically we probably are not. But we do intend to spend the rest of the evening using the remote control to do the following.

Watching 30 seconds of ESPN3 as somebody in a forest in Arkansas called Bubba stalks a deer with an AK47.

Flicking through 20 channels in 30 seconds pausing for no more that 1.1 second on each one.

Starting to watch a film on HBO the moment you realize Michael Caine is in it

Catching the fart scene from Blazing Saddles only to discover its being shown on AMC and they have taken the fart noise out so all that’s left is a bunch of men sitting around a camp fire lifting their arses off the ground.

Watching ten minutes of the History Channel as you try to convince yourself that you are interested in the Battle of Agincourt in 1329.

Flicking through all the major networks and cursing out loud that the “bloody commercials are on at exactly the same time on every bloody channel.”

Watching the Weather Channel and realizing its MTV for old people

Watching the Playboy Channel with your finger hovering over the channel down button in case your wife suddenly walks in

Watching 5 minutes of the Telly Tubbies and The Tweenies and realizing that once the Thingy is here your TV life is over

And then after surfing through all 150 channels you scratch yourself downstairs …….. wipe your pizza-encrusted hands on the couch……….and moan that there is bugger all on.

How can you explain this to a woman who wants to sit through a show featuring a nanny who makes Judge Judy look like Mary Bloody Poppins and then an entire show about women who are all having rumpy pumpy with a gardener. This is why men you must never ever give up control of the remote.

Time to answer your questions…………………….here we go

Eva Asked:

Hi John

Great to see another picture of you guys, enjoy those last few days alone!!!! Thanks for keeping us updated about everything both Carnival and personal going on in your life.

John I need a favour or advice of what to do. November 15-22, 2008 my daughter and I took the Carnival Liberty cruise and while on board I bought my grandson a Fossil watch from the jewellery store. I gave him this for Christmas and he has worn it a total of 6 times and now the hands are not moving properly and stick.

Now I know they have international warranties on anything that is purchased on board however my dilemma is the fact that I cannot find the receipt for it. Is there any way the shop will be able to trace my purchase and issue another so that I may take it to a dealer somewhere here in Canada??? Or should I be doing something else with it??? John I’d appreciate any help/advise you might be able to give me on how I should proceed so that the watch can be fixed.

Thanks again and I look forward to hearing from you soon so that he can start wearing it again.

Eva

John Says:

Hello Eva

Thanks for writing and I am sorry to hear that your watch has stopped working. The on board gift shops have a one-year guarantee and I am now going to post you a link from the internet which will give you full instructions on what to do and how to communicate with the company who provide our on-board gift shop services. Here is the link then to their guarantee and how to claim.

http://www.starboardcruise.com/customer.htm

On the left hand side you will see a link called repair or return form and this will assist you.

There you go. If you need any further help with this item please let me know

Best wishes

John

Tucson Larry Asked:

Please Reply,

Thanks for the for your wishes that we start child #5 on our Elation trip. I just turned 71 years old (Susan’s age remains 39). If that happens I will be able to by Carnival Cruise lines and then through you overboard for awakening the fertility Gods. I think we will just enjoy the grand baby’s and celebrate our 50 anniversary with you on the Dec 3rd Bloggers cruise

Larry (and my ever youthful) Susan

John Says:

Hello Larry and Susan

Instead of leaving the complimentary piece of candy on your pillow during your Carnival Elation cruise then maybe we should leave a piece of Viagra that allegedly now comes in chocolate form. It will be an honor to have you celebrate that amazing 50-year milestone with me on the bloggers cruise and I look forward to congratulating you both in person.

By the way……….I take Viagra if the ship starts to rock a lot because it stops me rolling out of bed.

Best wishes to you and all the family

John

cindy56 Asked:

John PLEASE REPLY,

Will you be the CD on the Freedom in October?

Of course we don’t mind if you take the weekend off. You enjoy yourself with Heidi and the thingy and maybe he/she will be here sooner rather later.

I cruised on the Fascination in Feb 2008 by myself. I was seated at the “singles” table with other people. Personally I didn’t enjoy cruising by myself and don’t plan to do it again. However, the other “singles” I met on the cruise were fine with it and had done it before. I needed a vacation and no one was available to go with me. I chose a cruise because I had been on 3 Carnival cruises before and knew what to expect. Luckily, I will always have someone to go with from now on. It’s just a personal preference though.

Have a great weekend!

Cindy

John Says:

Hello Cindy

I enjoyed the weekend off as did Vance and Stephanie so thank you for your kind permission……………I still felt guilty though.

Unfortunately I disembark the Carnival Freedom on August 28 and I am so sorry I will not be there with you. I hope Jean our nervous single cruiser has read your comments. I can truly understand how difficult cruising on your own could be and that is why we at Carnival must continue to make all our single cruisers as comfortable as possible. Thank you for your kind words and maybe we will get to sail with each other one day soon.

Best wishes

John

Karen and Bill Luddington Asked:

Hi John, (respond if you want………..)

As far as what criteria on booking our cruises……..

Well, our first cruise in 1992 was on the Ecstasy and YOU were the CD! What a way to start cruising.) We have been on a total off 32 cruises (two Princess and one Costa) and have a list of why and where we go. Now that we are able to see a list of CDs…….. We will be looking for you first.

We have been lucky enough to be on ships you were on 3 times (once Bill was Dick Golden), and also saw you in Boston, Mass. at the Black Falcon terminal when the Destiny came to the U.S… We were so lucky to be invited on the one day tour of her, AND to see you.

Guess we will be seeing you when you get back to work. ;o) So hope to see Heidi again as well……. And the thingy (a.k.a. Thing one….LOL…..got the note).

By the way, Bill and I are going to see our daughter-in-law’s sonogram on Monday cuz the Doctor thinks there are TWINS! I’m a RN,C and have never delivered twins, so this will be a first. OMG!

She (Tanya) and our son (William) came over today. Tanya was saying she liked the ‘Thing One’ outfit so they will need a ‘Thing one’ and ‘Thing Two’ set! :~>

Love and hugs to you, Heidi, and ‘Thing One’,

Karen and Bill from ‘across the Pond’.

P.S. John don’t forget to use your cloth shopping bag when you are running errands for Heidi and your wee one.

John Says:

Hello Karen and Bill

Goodness me. The Carnival Ecstasy all those years ago. I was skinny, dark haired and even if I do say so myself…….devilishly handsome. I note that you have sailed on 32 cruises so I am very humbled to read that you would like to sail with me again. Next year I hope to do more cruise directing than this year and have at least 6 months when I am doing what I love so much.

Congratulations to your Tanya and William………….wow……….twins………I am nervous enough about one.

I am looking after Heidi and we both appreciate all the support and friendship so very much

Best wishes to you and all the family

John

Juan & Maria Santana Asked:

Hello, John… Please reply…

We’ll be on the Freedom when it sails from Port Everglades on July 18…. By reading your blog today I see that starting June 20 or June 28 you will be the Cruise Director on that ship. What a pleasant surprise! Will you still be the Cruise Director for the July 18th sailing? We would love it! We met you on the Freedom last year & we can hardly wait to have the privilege and fun of meeting you again. Please let us know. Thanks.

Your Miami Beach friends/fans

John Says:

Hello Juan and Maria

Yes indeed. I will be with you in July and I look forward to shaking your hand and thanking you for your continuing support of the blog thingy. See you in the summer

Cheers

John

Fred Asked:

Hi John,

Please reply:

First I must say that my family and I went on the Triumph about five years ago and you were the cruise director. Since then they have been on about 10 other cruises. Do you know that the Triumph cruise is the only one they continue to mention? It is truly a reflection of your amazing talent.

My partner and I will be returning on the Carnival Triumph on June 11th. This is my partner’s first time on Carnival. We have been cruising with NCL because we like to dine when we want and prefer tables for two. I was so excited when Carnival announced its new dining program because now there is really no reason to cruise on any other line. However, since the Triumph does not yet have anytime dining, would it be possible for us to reserve a table for two? We are in the late seating and our booking number is —– , Cabin —-. Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated!

Also, we are booked on the Carnival Dream for next March. We reserved late seating before the announcement of anytime dining. Should we call back to change our preference or will this be something Carnival will contact us about?

Thanks again and I hope I get to see you on a future cruise!

John Says:

Hello Fred

Once again I am so humbled by your comments. The Carnival Triumph has and always will be one of my three favorite ships and I am so gratified to know that you and your family had such a brilliant time onboard five years ago. I will indeed contact the maitre d on the Carnival Triumph to see what we can do for you and yes, by the time you sail on the Carnival Dream there will be anytime dining in place so if that’s the option you want by all means call and make the change.

I also hope we get to see each other soon and have a wonderful time on the Carnival Triumph

Cheers

John

Jake Silverberg Asked:

Hey John,

PLEASE REPLY…

Love the pictures of the Carnival Dream. I think she’s going to be great! Do you think I can take some pictures for my blog?

Thanks, JAKE ( :

John Says:

Hello Jake

It’s been a long time since I have written to you and of course you can take some photos. We would be proud if you advertised our new ship on there. Maybe you will get the chance to visit the ship one day and we can have our photos taken together. That would be so much fun

Cheers mate

John

missingthesmokefreeparadise Asked:

John – PLEASE REPLY

What’s next? You planning’ on taking some time off of the blog during the birth of your child, or are you planning on Twittering from your raspberry in the delivery room?

Herrieschopper

John Says:

Hello Jonny boy

Do you know, I haven’t even thought about that? But since you ask I shall not take anytime off except during the birth when I shall be giving you all live updates on my raspberry from the delivery room….if I haven’t fainted.

Cheers

John

Lisa Perkins Asked:

I was wondering if you could tell me who the cruise director would be on our upcoming cruise on the freedom 6/28/09. Thank you in advance.

Best of luck to you and your wife with the little baby.

Lisa P

John Says:

Hello Lisa

Me

See you soon

John

George Richards Asked:

Please Reply.

My wife and I got back yesterday from our sixth cruise on the Holiday. As always, both the ship and crew exceeded our expectations! As you know, there are no fridges in the rooms; and as a diabetic one of my medications (Byetta) is susposed to be kept cool. As such, I always bring a small ice chest. I explained to our room steward, his name is pronounced “Superman,” that I needed both a needle disposal container and that the ice chest must be full. I’ve been on some ships where this was a hit and miss situation – not the Holiday – and not for Superman! Here he was presented with a problem, and he excelled as the ice never got a chance to melt! I realize this was easily solved. Next, we hit him with what I figured was unsolvable – our TV had gone “green” and was completely out of focus. He said, he would report it to maintenance. I figured that was that, and we would have a green TV for the remainder of the cruise. After dinner that evening, we saw Superman in the hallway and he informed us that he had switched out the TV. That to me was above and beyond and definitely exceeded our expectations! Funny thing, the next morning in the Capers, the Captain was offering a reward for the return of his set. My wife and I just figured some local pirates got on board and are holding it for ransom!?!?! At the end of the cruise, we praised Superman on our comment cards and compensated him above and beyond the prepaid gratuity. He is what Carnival and the crew of the Holiday is all about.

Lastly, the medication I mentioned, in addition to helping keep the blood sugar levels steady, it has a very good side effect, it helps you lose weight. I’ve lost right at 20 pounds since I started using it. To find out more about it, check out their web site.

John Says:

Hello George

What a fantastic review and it seems as though Superman was indeed a super hero. We talk about all our iconic features onboard such a big screens, supper clubs, huge shows but of course the biggest and by far the most important icon Carnival has is our crew. It is people like Superman who make sure that when you disembark you do so having experienced fun service like no other. I will now make sure that your comments are sent directly to those at the top and I know that Superman (we will find out his real name by looking at your state room number) will receive a copy as well as heaps of praise from his department head.

As a fellow diabetic I am happy to know that you are losing weight. I am being really strict and the weight is now coming off and my sugar levels have really stabilized. Better late than never.

So thanks again and I send my best wishes to you and your family

John

That’s all for today and if you need anything from me at all………….please mark your comments “lease reply.” Heidi has asked me to say a big thank you for her many birthday wishes and your thoughts for those who need them…….Chris, Malcolm and Laura. I am sure Big Ed will keep us up to date with her progress.

Well…………….after a long spell away…………………here’s Jaime.

April 28, 2009

Dear John,

The news chopper flew overhead as we departed for the first time from the Carnival Pride’s new homeport of Baltimore, Maryland on April 27 2009. More than half of our guests provided an incredibly exciting atmosphere as they crowded the Lido deck and waved goodbye to land for the next few days as we depart on our Bahamian adventure.

Before our arrival in Baltimore we had a two day repositioning with no guests on board. For the crew, this is quite an exciting time. Not only can we wear jeans in “guest areas,” but we also can eat on Lido deck and … monitor the activities of my friend Seth, the art auctioneer. Believe me, everyone was still working hard. The housekeeping staff was getting the ship ready for its Baltimore arrival and the musicians provided hours of entertainment by doing special shows for the crewmembers that are usually working during their performing hours. Even the captain and staff captain joined in the fun by encouraging festivities at the Wet n’ Wild (yet still contained) crew party.

Apparently before we pulled into the port of Baltimore there was a huge welcoming ceremony where the talented Marcus Anthony performed. Tons of activities were taking place for families of the Baltimore area to give them a little taste of the fun associated with taking an actual Carnival cruise. In actuality, they won’t really get a taste until they are surrounded entirely by water and being served massive amounts of delicious food… Nonetheless, I am sure Carnival provided a comparable imitation. Even though the actual crew of the Pride was not involved with this ceremony, when we did finally arrive the city seemed to welcome us with open arms.

Upon arrival, I was fortunate enough to meet Edward Bloom, the owner of the company that Carnival has chartered to provide the crew with transportation to the Baltimore area while we sail out of this port. Edward was a friendly individual who not only took me to WalMart, but also informed me that the Pride is the largest passenger vessel to ever sail from Baltimore. Also it was going to be the only ship sailing year round. If you happen to be sailing with us during the winter months, be content that we have already devised a huge list of cold weather entertainment options for the day or so it takes us until we get to warmer waters; we have alternate muster stations to ensure that our guests won’t be shivering throughout the mandatory lifeboat drill. Best of all, the crewmembers working on the open decks will be sporting new uniforms that are lined with something other that mesh fabric.

Rewind two days: I joined the ship in Miami, set foot on the Pride and was greeted by the familiar smiling faces of many crewmembers that were here two months earlier when I had to crazy chance to take over as emergency cruise director. It felt like home, but with bluer floors… still home nonetheless, it is good to be back. The team I left behind remained mostly intact. Right now the Entertainment Staff on the Pride consists of awesome hosts Melanie and Justin; an all star Assistant Cruise Director Lesley; and a wonderful Cruise Director Kirk Benning – who just took over after Mark Price’s resignation.

For this week Lesley is going to be working as the official assistant cruise director and I am responsible for updating all of the Carnival Capers. Since we have a new itinerary, this is quite a big project… I suddenly can greatly empathize with Goose and Brad on the Carnival Splendor who just had 49 days of new Capers for the South America run. If you happen to be sailing with us this cruise, I swear I AM on the ship, I just will be hiding in the cruise director’s cabin ensuring that my over analytical nature does not cause my head to spin and pop as I stare at a computer screen attempting to perfect the Capers! Errorless Capers is definitely an attainable goal. At least I am not trying to reinvent the wheel! To be honest, it is quite enjoyable because I can see sunshine! Plus, this gives Kirk the opportunity to be more social with guests and once and a while they let me out of the cage and/or someone brings me a special treat like a Reece’s, a banana or a squirt gun.

After working with him for only a few days, it is already quite evident that Kirk is an awesome cruise director. I remember while I was on the Pride before, I sent out a desperate plea for help to cruise directors around the fleet. Kirk had the forthright to call me from the Spirit to offer words of affirmation and support. Regardless of his abilities on stage, which I already know are awesome. His compassion (or sympathy) towards a petrified coworker shows the quality of character that any assistant would be happy to work under.

In other news, I had a short and sweet three week vacation after leaving the Carnival Splendor. I was able to catch up with my old college friends in Michigan, and visit family and other special people who will remain nameless in New York. It is great to be back on board! There is excitement permeating throughout the ship because of the new home port and itinerary. I am looking forward to the team and myself helping to provide a memorable experience to the multitude of first time cruises, as well as the veterans. And most importantly it is exciting to be able to work with a new cruise director, even if he is not nicknamed after a barnyard animal. I am going to get back to working on Capers before the new cruise director finds a new assistant cruise director. Before I go, I want to thank you for all of the warm wishes and comments sent while I was on vacation. I was following the blog regularly and it was so nice to hear from so many of you.

I look forward to sharing more, and hopefully sailing with you soon =)

A HUGE sign welcoming us to Baltimore.

Scott performing with the showband during one of our crew activities during the repositioning.

The Carnival Pride docking to Baltimore for the first time!

All the best,

Jaime =)

Great to see you back Jaime and thanks for the Dear John letter. Don’t get too comfortable there as I intend to steal you away as my ACD on the Carnival Freedom in the summer. You know, I don’t think it will be too long until we see Jaime sitting in the big chair and the only question is……….will she be sitting in it alone…….or will she find love. Tune in on Saturday to read her next brilliant Dear John letter.

Swine Flu is still on everyone’s mind and since I wrote to you yesterday Carnival has decided to suspend our calls to Mexican ports. Here is the latest official statement.

STATEMENT REGARDING SWINE INFLUENZA

Miami – April 28th 5:00 PM

We have decided to cancel all calls at Mexican ports for all current sailings and all voyages departing on Thursday, April 30th through Monday, May 4th. In many cases, we will be able to substitute the cancelled call with an alternative port. Additionally, we are working on alternatives for those itineraries impacted by this decision. Full details will be available by 5 pm tomorrow. Please continue to check back as we will provide the latest information online at carnival.com. In the unlikely event that our new itinerary options are not to your liking, we will also give you the opportunity to reschedule your cruise at a later date. Those details will also be made available tomorrow.

Our primary concern is your safety. We will continue to monitor the situation and will keep you updated if and when changes are made.

Thank you for your understanding. We look forward to welcoming you aboard your “Fun Ship” cruise.

So, we have made the following changes so far and to find out what they are please click on this link.

http://www.carnival.com/cms/fun/cruise_control/itinerary_updates.aspx

We will of course continue to monitor the situation and I will keep you informed here on the blog and the latest news will also be shown on the front page of www.carnival.com

Of course the job of keeping everyone informed onboard is that of the cruise director. It is their calm and reassuring information given at the talks and over the PA system that is invaluable. The cruise director will work very closely with the captain and hotel director to make sure that we use all the mediums available to us including written information on flyers and the in-cabin TVs. Now, as you may have read we have managed to find alternative ports for some of the vessels. It is not that easy of course and there are many factors that the captain and our marine operations department have to consider as obviously it is not just a question of saying “OK, we can’t go to Cozumel so lets pop over to Belize.” Consideration has to be made as to the schedule. If we call at an alternative port will the ship still be able to make its remaining ports on time?

As you can imagine everyone has been affected by this and the world’s top cruise lines are all scrambling to find alternative destinations……..imagine that’s all the cruise lines that sail to Mexican ports……. not just Carnival but Cunard, Holland America, Costa, Princess, P & O, Seabourn and mmmmmm ………. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm ……I can’t think of any more………..are all trying to get berths for their ships. Some ships will have an extra day at sea which I am sure under the circumstances everyone will understand…..well………when I say everyone, 20 years at sea tells me there will be one or two who will find this as a reason to go to the guest service desk and have a little rant but I hope it will be few and far between.

We may also want to spare a thought for the people who own businesses in places like Cozumel, Cabo San Lucas and Progreso. Right now the beaches are empty. Nobody is eating a taco at Carlos and Charlie’s and the shops are deserted. The taxi drivers have no fares and cities feel like ghost towns. The ships are not coming and that hurts them very much. So for all concerned let us hope that this swine flu is over as quickly as it started.If you have any concerns or questions please let me know.

Now, let’s talk basketball.

When I first went to a basketball game with my mentor and Carnival’s best ever Cruise Director Gary Hunter I thought it was a ridiculously stupid game in which lots of overpaid giants with idiotic tattoos run around a court attempting to throw an inflated sheep’s pancreas into some netting while an audience of several thousand ate hot dogs and drank huge bucket sized sodas and beer..

Nor could I understand how someone from Gainesville, Florida could possibly support a team from Chicago. Where’s the connection? What’s the point?

I have also thought that it’s preposterous to have basketball stadiums in the middle of cities. Why should anyone be delayed by match traffic just so a bunch people can watch someone called Larry Birdjordanpipen making squeaky sounds with their shoes?

And I couldn’t understand how when their team lost people like Gary would cry as if they had found out someone had pissed in their cornflakes.

I used to hate basketball and I used to hate the fact that as a social host I was forced to watch both live and on TV because my boss told me to. But then one day, out of the blue at a cruise director conference Roger Blum told all of us that the following evening we were going to see the Miami Heat play someone from Washington who apparently was a Wizard or a witch or a bitch or something like that. This was a living nightmare. If he’d said that we were all going to watch a live recording of Judge Judy and then going to an all you can eat escargot buffet I would have been happier.

And do you know what. Even though we were at the very back in the nosebleed section I started to watch. And I began to think that actually it’s a very beautiful game. And that a pick and roll, really, is no more complicated than the average space shuttle. And then I started to watch games on TV picking up bits of information from the commentators like Marv “No It’s Not a Wig” Albert, which meant, for the first time ever, that when conversation with friends turned to basketball, I could join in, instead of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing Abba songs.

This meant that pretty soon people started asking if perhaps I’d like to go to a game. My first proper game with a half decent seat I went to see the Miami Heat demolish a team I used to call the New York Knicks. But that I now know from other Heat fans are called The New York Cheating Fouling Bastards.

This was my first game and, ooh, it was good. When you’re there, rather than watching on television, you get an overall view, which means you can see how the game works. You notice that Michael Beasley is like a ventriloquist’s dummy…….eyes everywhere always looking around to see where the other team is. You see that Chris Quinn runs with his arms up, like a begging puppy, and you work out that Dwyane Wade always seems to be able to find a piece of the court that the New York Cheating Fouling Bastards either hadn’t noticed or were frightened of and after looking disinterested for a few minutes glides through the court like a hot knife through butter to score.

The other advantage of being there is that on television the microphones are positioned so you can’t hear the trash talking from the fans. This is common in soccer games in the UK. You will have 5,000 fans all singing the same insulting song “David Beckham, David Beckham, when he gets the ball he does fu%$ all David Beckham” or when England plays Germany there is always the wondrous sound of 50,000 drunk English hooligans all “laring” the them to the Great Escape.

My favorite basketball moment was a fan who was sitting directly in front of me who every time one particular player from the opposing side would score he would simply stand up and yell “your mother.” I have no idea if this was the player’s father and he was telling his son that each basket was in honor of his dear old Mum or if he was just mad.

I do like the fact though that as much as each basketball side hate each other there is no violence as we sometimes find at soccer.

One time at a soccer match my team (Liverpool) scored. I turned and smiled a patronizing smile at the man sitting behind me. It turned out he was a big fan of the team we were playing and, honestly, I thought he was going to kick my head off.

I have a dream that one time after a game I can go to the Miami Heat changing room so that I could admire all the players’ penises.

So there we are, then. I am now a basketball fan. I know this because when the Heat lost in game four against the Atlanta Wankers…… I cried. I’m a fan of The Miami Heat.

The Heat is the only team that can play. Heat players have by far the most impressive reproductive organs. American Airlines Arena is my church……..and the men who play there are my Gods.

Let’s Go Heat

Goodnight

Your friends

John, Heidi and the Thingy