It’s 8:30pm here in the UK and I’m not going to tell you about the day just gone, as I spent most of it shouting at people. My soccer team (incompetent over payed big girls blouses), the check out girl at the supermarket (Polish), Vodaphone ,the suppliers of my new phone (incompetent, amateur, liars……….and in India). Recounting a day of rage is not good for the soul and as the media are doing such a good job of trying to make everyone feel miserable……………………..I think it’s better if I focus on some positive stuff.
So it was all fingers and toes crossed that today would be the day for a timely and trouble free birth for Heidi and the Thingy……………but there has been more action in the soap and deodorant section at La Publix in Paris then between Heidi’s legs. Don’t worry she told me…………..”statistically 75% of all births are late” she declared . I asked how she new this ……………bugger………..stupid question………..so as my soccer team were showing they had the footballing skills of a drunk Penguin…………I concentrated on Heidi’s ” Mother and Baby ” magazine . There I discovered some tips on how to get the Thingy to hurry up …………………..these include:
Eating copious amounts of pineapple – Pineapple contains the enzyme Bromelain, which is thought to help to soften the cervix and so bring on labour. Although there is so little Bromelain in it, she’d realistically need to eat 7 whole pineapples a day for it to have much effect! ………………we didn’t have any pineapple so Heidi is eating Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream instead…….she says it’s the same thing.
Guzzling down red raspberry leaf tea – No real evidence, however, an Australian study has shown that it will speed up the second stage of labour and reduce the need for forceps delivery ……….what a load of bollocks. Any study by an Australian will have been made after they have drunk 24 cans of Fosters ………………raspberry tea my arse
Going for walks – Good old gravity can work wonders. The explanation appears to be that the pressure of the baby’s head pressing down on the cervix from the inside stimulates the release of Oxytocin, a hormone that causes contractions, hopefully bringing on labour ……………………………..walk……………………..me………………………ummmm…………….why………….we have a car.
Eating hot or spicy curries – Stimulates the gut and bowel and may encourage the uterus to get going. ………………..this may work as a spicy curry certainly gets my arse moving and I am surprised that considering the spicy vindaloos I have eaten over the years that I haven’t given birth to twins.
Nipple stimulation – Can encourage the start of contractions. The theory is that Oxytocin is again released in the body when the breasts are stimulated…………….This one sounded the best bet but Heidi told me to bugger off as apparently her nipples are extremely tender at this stage.
So, there is little it seems I can do. However…………..I am determined to do my bit and follow the magazines advice So, tonight I ordered an extra spicy Indian curry with extra pineapple and after I have eaten it I shall drink a cup of raspberry tea……..take a walk………………..up to my bedroom………………….lay on the bed……………and stimulate my nipples
Goodnight
Your Friends
John, Heidi and the Thingy
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
John if I was you I would not even consider that part about nipples, because at this stage Heidi would probably smack you good. I’m surprised she didn’t just for thinking it. Relax, get some sleep and when thingy is ready thingy will arrive.
Love
Grandma
John, you may have planted the seed, but the little one is now the boss. It will be here when it gets ready and not until. This is just the start of a lifetime of getting it’s way…………
Countess Carolyn
Oh John; “Bugger”….. This one has one has to go on the list of your all time best blogs!!! Let Heidi read it, if she laughs half as hard as I am laughing right now she will be in labour in no time. All the best.
John I need to correct a major error in your blog. VB (Victorian Bitter) is now the prefered choice of “Ale” for Australians….lol
I’m glad to see that you broke you own rule of posting on Sunday’s but could you have waited any longer in the day to let us know? We have been on pins and needles all day waiting for a post.
Love you John & Heidi!!!
Roxi
John,
All I can say is “Enjoy the Curry!!!” LOL
You will be in the dog house when Heidi reads this one (Get her more Chunky Monkey…. it might help, keep you out of the dog house! LOL)
John:
The Wee Little One will be here when they decide to arrive. Just consider it practice for the rest of your life….catering to their every need!!! LOL
My only worry is that the Wee Little One will arrive while we are on the Glory. There has been some talk that James (the current ACD) will be filling in on our cruise….so whether it is James or Ryan….let them know that an announcement in the CAPERS is REQUIRED!!!
(because I am married to a man who is to cheap to purchase me Internet minutes on our cruise)
Thanks (Stephanie…since she is the one that will be doing all the work where these announcements are concerned!!)
Linda (Mom of your friend ~ so happy that Nascar driver Kyle Busch lost the race last night to a flat tire~ DJ)
John -
I tried it all….including rumpy bumpy every night for what seemed like an eternity. Forget it and let the thingy come in his or her own time.
While the excitement to meet you new little one is probably more than you can stand, enjoy these last few days with just the two of you. Don’t do anything…don’t go out to dinner, don’t shop, don’t clean…just sit at home and cuddle up and watch tv…it may be a while before you get to do “nothing” again.
I’ve been checking the Blog and my email all day awaiting the announcement of the birthday of The Thingy… nada… zip… zilch…
I think we’re as nervous as you are, John. Well… scratch that… NO ONE is as nervous as you!!
However, to support your efforts I am currently eating a bowl of curry and furiously rubbing my nipples. I expect to give birth any minute…
Ciao!
Host Mach
HURRY UP, THINGY!! WE CAN’T WAIT FOREVER!!!
Hi John,
Poor thing you sound like a wreck! Babies come on their own sweet time…maddenly.
I will tell you my story though.. there is something to be said for the walking and maybe almost for some VERY loud music. I was almost 4 weeks late, with my first…(Now do not have a stroke, I do not think they wait that long now before they induce labor).
We decided to go to the county fair and I walked and walked and WALKED. Then we decided to listen to some very loud rock and roll thinking this would be our last hurrah as young adults, I cannot even remember the name of the band anymore….
Anyway my hubby just kept marveling about how I felt cold and clammy and it was quite warm here. I felt odd all day but hell you DO feel odd when you are almost 10 months preggers.
About 2 hours after we got home…my water broke and off to the hospital I went. Of course my labor never really started, but because my water had broken I needed to be in the hospital and be induced within a certain number of hours.
So sometime the next day I had to be induced, but that next evening I had my son, Nathan all 9 lbs 1 oz and health baby boy (he was bulking up to be a football player that last 4 weeks, the little devil. But I had him, no C section for me!
He truley fit his name too… God’s gift.
Hang in there John, we are all waiting here in anticipation of your joy. Heidi you WILL be an amazing mom, and John, maybe some ZZ Top or KISS or some nice Aerosmith wouldn’t hurt… (hehe)
Love and warm wishes for welcoming Heald’s Thingy,
Nancy Brewer
Ok John,
BUGGER the Thingy did not listen to Auntie Julie and be born on Mother’s day. But with all that spicy curry I bet she is going to come out soon. BUGGER John….I like saying that….BUGGER!
Heidi,
Happy Mother’s day anyways! ( I am in the USA so it is still technically Mother’s day here.)
Julie
Oh John! I had a real good chuckle as Cruiselion says this is one of your best blogs.
Good luck to and you Heidi. It is amazing how it all comes together.
Well, maybe she will have Thingy on her dad’s birthday (the 15th, isn’t it)? But that will meaN 5 more days of waiting! I wonder if you can make it that long? HA! Who is Pregnant, Heidi or YOU? Well, all I can say is going to come into the world when it is good and ready, but at least it didn’t interrupt your TV today! Relax and eat some more pineapple! Linda & Mike
Hi John, Heidi, & Baby,
It’s me, PennyB from New Orleans.
I’ve been thinking of you all day and I guess you know by now that thinking is not on the list of labor causing things – Sorry. Anyway, one of my 3 was too comfortable in my tummy and was 2 weeks late so they had to induce me. Hopefully babe will come on it’s own but if you need a little help, it’s really ok and done pretty often in the states. I’m sure everyone is sharing their delivery tales and John is in a sweat just thinking about it. I do think it is harder on the guys as there is really nothing left for them to do and if they try to help, it’s really not the right thing anyway. Just be there for support. Is Heidi’s mom going to be there to help for a while?
Prayers, thoughts, and dreams with you all.
PennyB
Hi John!
I’ve been checking your blog all day to see if there were any updates! I just found this on my crackberry (that’s what my group of friends call the addicting little suckers) laying in bed trying not to wake my hubby who is sound asleep! That was hilarious!
I’m looking forward to reading tomorrows blog. I am so curious how the hot curry, tea, walk and the nipple rubbing evening went. I bet you didn’t make it down the drive before you had to go back into the house for a nice spicey poo!
Have a good day!!
John, I’m sorry Thingy is not here yet. We are all waiting somewhat patiently!!
Try not to drive Heidi crazy!!
Best to you, Heidi and Thingy,
Stitch
Oh John
That’s too funny!
Thingy will make his/her entrance when you least expect it. I know the waiting is agony but its one of life’s greatest “mysteries”
Take Care
The Tuckers
Elizabeth & Arnold
John, you can always try Rumpy-Pumpy with a “Follow-me” sign on the end of your dingus.
Seriously though, after your comments the past few days about how wrong it is to scream and yell at the rank and file, you need to return to the supermarket and apologize to the the check-out clerk.
Maybe today is the day! We’re all thinking of you and check for updates frequently. Good luck and may the contractions start soon.
Hi John & Heidi,
Before I forget – Happy Mother’s Day Heidi (and all the bloggers).
John, I hope your cold is better. Typical man-cold. You can’t help it – it’s part of the male DNA.
Heidi and you look absolutely wonderful. We should all look as good as Heidi does. And that is the perfect book to read. But please do not worry about being a good parent. All you and Heidi have to do is be as loving and caring as your own parents and the thingy will be just fine.
John, I think it’s fitting that you will be the Holiday’s last CD. It should bring back so many memories for you. My cruise on the Holiday was exactly 20 years ago. I wonder how many drinks you made for me then?
I have changed my mind about seeing the new “Star Trek” movie after hearing the reviews and raves about it. $72 million for the weekend – wow! Maybe you can show it on the Lido Deck on the BC3 in November?????
Thank you Jaime, Brooklyn Girl, for another great Dear John Letter. That is the first time I have seen a photo of Freeport. I have never been there and look forward to our visit on the Dream.
Laura – how good to hear from you and I wish you, Chris & Scott a continued recovery.
Until your next blog entry (maybe as Daddy John),
Hugs,
Carol
Hi John,
Countess Carolyn is exactly right! Thingy is the boss!!! He/she is making a statement just to let you & Heidi know who is really in charge. However, I really wish he/she would have mercy on you, Heidi, & all your blogger friends & make the “Grand Entrance”.
Florence
John, Don’t be in a rush! Enjoy your last moments of quiet time because once Thingy arrives, you’ll have plenty of days and nights where you would want the quiet times especially for the next 16 to 20 years.
As you generally put it, I think most of what is described in books and magazines to bring on labor is “bullocks”. When the Thingy decides it’s time, the fun will begin. Sorry she missed being a mom on Mother’s Day but tomorrow is my birthday so she can try again…
Well shoot, maybe today is the day. The last month is probably the worst and then being a day late, that makes it seem like such a longer time being pregnant.
Sending good thought to you and Heidi.
John,
As Penny B asked, will Heidi’s mom be there to help? Or, perhaps, your mom? Mostly Heidi will need someone to feed and clean up after you so she can care for Thingy!
I know you must be going crazy waiting, but you’ll be plenty busy soon enough. And I’ll bet you’ll soon be hating to leave home since you won’t want to miss any of Thingy’s new activities…such as rolling over, getting to his/her knees, walking…it all happens soooo fast once they arrive.
Laura, so glad to hear you and Chris are doing so well. Thanks for the update and the two of you and Scott.
Jamie, you may be even funnier than John, girl! (But don’t tell him I said so.) Is that a romantic picture of you and your CD or just a business or friend picture? He’s pretty cute!
Heidi, have pity on John and don’t be mean to him. He has good intentions. I wish you a quick and easy delivery, and can’t wait to see pictures of Thingy!!!
Hugs to the three of you.
Your pal, Myra
Hang in there, John! You and Heidi should both relax and the Thingy will be here when its ready. Your lives are both getting ready to change forever.
Waiting with you….
Melissa
We just got back from the Splendor and it’s revised itinerary. We had a great great time and thank you sooooo very much for the gifts. What a great cruiseship the Splendor is. Our next cruise is the September Vancouver to Hawaii cruise on the Spirit… can’t wait. I love my Carnival ships.
Hope the baby comes soon.
Stefani
John – just think about how many people are awaiting the birth announcement of your Thingy! What a wonderful “extended family” you have in the bloggers!!!!!
There once was this thing called a Thingy.
Whose father worked on a laarge Dingy.
He’s waiting for you,
With a raspberry tea brew
Knowing all through your life,
He’ll be clingy!!
Hi John!
What an interesting diet.
I’m getting nauseous at the thought of ingesting that food in that combination.
Good luck and please send my regards to Heidi.
Take care!
David
Hi, just found your blog searching for carnival cruise stuff. I am looking for old commercials. Like from the mid 90′s. Do you know if they are online somewhere?
thanks so much
Hi guys! Just wanted to let you know….I was 10 days early and I’m convinced Chloe came because of the loooooong fast walk Jeff and I took the night before my water broke. We walked (I practically skipped) around our neighborhood twice and a record-setting speed….and the next day when I was at work my water broke, but it broke little by little. They said there was a little hole in the sac and I’m totally convinced it was because of the walk. So, good luck and we can’t wait to hear what happens!!!!!
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