The position of Hotel Director is one of the most important on board. Here we speak to the proud HD of your Carnival Dream.
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Let me ask you all a question. What is the proper etiquette for putting your seat back on a plane?

I know people say “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” but if the person in front of you puts their seat back, then what?

Here I am on a long nine-hour flight to Miami and I am not proud to say that the emotions of leaving Heidi and Kye boiled over…….and I got into an argument with the man seated behind me. I waited until after the meal service had ended and then slowly, I began to recline. Normally I try to go back a small amount at a time but on this particular occasion I was exhausted from the past few months and went all the way.

Suddenly I felt a strong tap on my shoulder. He was in the seat diagonally behind me and he looked outraged."That's not right," he snapped. His tone suggested I had done something immoral. "My wife has no room for her legs."I know some people at this point would have immediately raised their seat forward. But I didn't like his attitude. He was blaming me for his wife's discomfort when it's the fault of whoever designed the bloody plane. Also, he wasn't asking me nicely, he was demanding. And acting like I had vomited over her.

What about my right to choose to rest? I looked right at him and said, defiantly, "I'll move my seat up but just so you know, I don't like being ordered to do it." It made matters worse. Loud enough for other passengers to hear, he announced: "You're not a very nice person.” Then he added: "My wife is pregnant." This I had to see. I twisted my torso around and IF his wife was pregnant, she must have conceived while checking in and packed the after birth in one of those bags they give you for toiletries...... I looked more pregnant than she did. And if she was so upset why wasn't she speaking out? She was the one suffering the consequences of my six inches ..........of recline.

Maybe she didn't care. And another thing, if he was so concerned about his wife's discomfort, why not offer to switch seats with her? I hated him as much as he hated me and the fact that as he spoke he chomped on his chewing gum making snapping noises every 10 seconds.

But I moved the seat forward in a conciliatory gesture. "There," I said, "I've moved it." For the rest of the trip, every time he got up he intentionally jolted my seat. To the point where if I was drinking coffee from one of the tiny cups it would spill. Those cups only hold three sips - and I need every one of them. It’s not that I don't understand. There's nothing worse than someone reclining their seat back in your face. You want to complain or pound them with your in flight magazine - but you don't.

Just like you want to throw your drink over people who talk during the movie and squeeze the nipples of people who push on line on Lido deck with the tongs

If everyone did that it would be anarchy. Or life in New York.

Instead, the polite thing to do is either ask them nicely to adjust the seat or sit silently, simmering with rage, vowing to make more money so that you can fly business class in the future.

I asked my friend who works at the airlines what the policy is on this. She laughed. "What policy? We expect people to use common sense. If someone is over six feet, don't put your seat back." So. Anyone under six feet is on their own? I’ve been stuck with my nose an inch from an airline seat countless times and never say anything. I'll think to myself “are you serious?” but I don't accost them with it - it's just something in life you have to endure. Like the French and people who chomp on chewing gum.

I did get my own back though because I went to the toilet and took a huge number two leaving the toilet smelling of last night’s triple egg cheese and onion omelette. The stench was astonishing and as I got out of there who should be waiting to enter the chamber of death .......yep.........my fellow passenger............there is a God!

And so here I am on the way to the hotel in a taxi whose air conditioning is as strong as asthmatic hamster breathing through a straw. There is no point in me moaning about the hour I spent sitting in the sin bin at US Immigration as me and my fellow crew members were treated with all the kindness of the Spanish Inquisition by people who have the tact of a turd in a swimming pool.........just a simple “please” would have made so much difference

I am excited to be back and can't wait to hold a microphone again and I will write a full blog on Sunday.

Oh, just one more thing. You know that bit in yesterday’s blog where I said I wouldn't mention again that I missed Heidi and Kye...........I lied...........I miss them terribly

Goodnight
Your friend
John

Peter Shanks, Carnival UK’s Chief Commercial thingy, is a brilliant public speaker. He has command of the English language and has the stage presence of a naked George Clooney. ………… His forum on the future of cruising yesterday was superb which really pissed me off because……….I want his job.

The day I spent at the UK Cruise Convention had some excellent speakers and one or two who had no more right to be on stage than Madonna ever did singing “Like a Virgin.”
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Good morning. It’s 6:23 am and here I sit in my underpants with 45 minutes in which to write to you all before I have to leave tor the UK Cruise Convention in Dover. So, before I post a very special interview let me press on by answering today’s questions…..oh actually before I do let me say a word about Kye. Now I know I am supposed to do this on Friday but as I have to say goodbye then and am flying……and no doubt crying…..I thought I would just pen a quick update now.
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Today, I started packing for my trip to Miami. I am not going to lament on the emotions of leaving my two girls………….well not today anyway but I am going to moan about packing and packing one thing in particular.

If a trod on a bottle on the beach and a Genie appeared giving me three wishes, after world peace and an Aston Martin filled with $100 bills and Catherine Zeta Jones in leather hiding in the trunk………my third wish would be that the world had a universal plug socket. How is it that in today’s world where we have discovered that my Range Rover gives polar bears a migraine and we can build a ship like the Carnival Dream ……..the modern world can’t have the same way to get electricity out of the sodding wall.

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It has been very interesting reading your comments about if and how a cruise director can affect the overall cruise experience. If you have not had chance to comment yet please do as this is a very important subject and I would really appreciate your feedback. Ask most of our cruise directors and they will tell you that they “have the best job…….in the world.”….myself included. But apparently……..we do not………..nope that title goes to a man called Ben Southall from a little village in Hampshire here in the UK because he has, according to all the papers, just landed the “best job in the world.”
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I mentioned last week how my Ryan Air flight from Genoa to London was as organized and as luxurious as Phil Spector’s hair. It was horrid and this morning my spirits sank as my economy class ticket from London to Miami arrived via e-mail from Carnival’s travel office.

I sat in my chair staring at the word “Economy” wishing I’d gone into organized crime when I left school. It never occurred to me as a good career option – making people sleep with the fishes and making them offers they couldn’t refuse – but now it does. Because I’d have loads of (laundered) cash and I would be able to fly first class all the time.
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I just finished a great book called Hellraisers. It tells the story of some of my favourite actors and Britain’s own rat pack…………..Peter O Toole, Richard Harris, Oliver Reed and Richard Burton. It tells of their love of acting and their greater love of drink accompanied by lashings of rumpy pumpy. I love reading books and I love seeing our passengers totally relaxed on Lido Deck reading their books while listening to the live music ………. it’s a great cruise icon and one that will surely always be with us. Or will it?
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I hate feet. I hate my feet, I hate your feet and thought of sucking on one of Judge Judy’s toes makes me want to projectile vomit. I think my hatred began when I was a bar waiter on the Holiday and shared a cabin and dorm style shared bathrooms with various nationalities who all would shower in their bare feet…….me………….I wore my Nikes. That’s one of the reasons I hate summer. Yep………its summer and that means getting your feet out in flip-flops, sandals and open-toed Jesus creepers at the first hint of a break in the clouds.
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I have had it with Yah bloody Hoo. This morning I opened the lap top dancer computer up to find Yahoo had deleted my password and I was locked out of my account and could not access all my photos of the Carnival Dream that I had e-mailed……..and it’s not the first time it has done this.

My internet savvy friends all of whom have beards (except Stephanie our blog director……she doesn’t have a beard……….but she does speak an alien computer language and she eats tofu) have been telling me to stop using Yahoo for my personal e-mails. The bearded ones tell me it’s out-dated and problematic. The general consensus is……. No one uses Yahoo any more. …………….. because it’s shit.
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