So here I am sitting on the third row of the economy section of American Airlines flight 57 to London Heathrow…………and I am bored………..and so ………I thought I would get the raspberry out and do a little blog………….oh hold on………Mrs. Whiplash the flight attendant has told me that unless I put my pants on I will be arrested upon arrival. I tried to tell her that I can only blog in my underpants but she doesn’t seem to understand.
Next to me is a young man in his twenties who has had his eye pod thingy on since take off and has said bugger all. He is a spotty Brit and has the conversational abilities of a washing machine ………not that his clothes have seen one of those for a while. He smells musty and unclean and I could grow potatoes on his neck considering all that dirt that is lodged behind his ears.
Obviously when he sat down next to me based on the smell and the way he looked I said, “bonjour” ………..but embarrassingly he said “allo” in an unmistakable British accent ………… and what’s even more embarrassing is the fact that he now thinks I’m French !…….sacra bleur dans le bugger
A few rows ahead of me is of course the business class section and I have decided that more than babies on a plane……more than snakes on a plane………the most annoying thing on a plane ……are business people.
I mean…. Just because you are in business class and have a laptop with spreadsheets on, doesn’t make you better than everyone else. It is unlikely you paid for your own seat and if you did, that was a waste of money. Sip your champagne more humbly. Feel compassion, not smugness, toward us cattle class scum who turn right when we board…… you bastards. Don’t get to smug because if you do I may be tempted to walk past your extra wide seat and fart…..crop dusting the business class section is something my economy class arse is more than capable of.
When you look at yourself in the mirror, you see a winner. An international jet-setter. A tiger. You may even growl sexily. But you are not Pee Diddly or Usher but a toilet brush salesman who has saved up for twenty three years of air miles to get this upgrade.
Also, please don’t abuse the cabin crew because they’ve been a bit slow bringing your fourth class of Chateau La Woo Hoo. It puts them in a bad mood, which they take out on the rest of us by spilling our first Diet Coke all over our laps.
If you’re not in business class, congratulations on not squandering your company’s cash — but accept the lack of curtain. Accept that the parent with the screaming baby is doing everything he or almost certainly she can.
Accept that the spreadsheet may have to wait. If you are a business lady or businessman, priority boarding doesn’t give you the right to elbow everyone else out of the way and look at us as you do as though we have no more right to live on God’s earth than a dung beetle ……or the French.
Oh yes….. For the love of God ……keep your bloody seat belt fastened until the plane has come to a complete standstill. Jumping up, grabbing your oversized hand luggage and racing for the exit while we’re still taxiing is not only dangerous, it’s annoying. We all know you don’t have an important meeting to go to. We saw it on your spreadsheet.
Anyway time to watch a movie….or count the number of Zits on the kids face next to me.
Bugger ……seen all these movies.
1 … 2 ……3…….4…….
Goodnight
Your friend
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
reply john please
I have a confession to make to start this blog. My husband and I are Platinum cruisers with 12 cruises to our history. All but one is with Carnival so we are die hard Carnival fans. Now the confession– We just booked on a reposisioning with that other line that starts with an N. And I do mean to tell you I feel quite guilty. It is a chance to go to the Panama canal so we had to take it. I am going to take extensive notes and do some cruise critic work myself. I will be happy to share. I hope the N ship knows they have a long way to go to make me happy after all my experience with Carnival. Please except this as an apology to all my Carnival friends but I really want to do this trip. We are booked on the Carnival Dream (full name) in June so this trip is just a short deviation.
Hope you have a great time at home with your two girls.
Hope you have a safe and uneventful trip home, John!!!
Melissa
haha this is probably one of my favorite rant blog posts. Kudos to you Mr. Heald.
i still say carnival should put you in the front of the plane. hear me carnival????
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
Safe journey, John! It won’t be long before you’re reunited with Heidi and Kye.
Try to relax as soon you will be home with your beautiful ladies!
John, we also had an eventful trip home, we had a 2 hour flight with a screaming baby!… TURBULANCE… and wouldn’t you know it, it was raining in Buffalo again…
Oh well. Have a great time home. We are already planning #2…
See you previous Freedom Ends blog.. left you a long note there….
Hi John, Heidi, and Kye,
Oh, how I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when you walked in and took Kye in your arms for the first time in 2 months. I would have loved to have seen the look on your face.
I can tell by her pictures how much she has changed in the last few weeks, so I imagine the little one you took in your arms, isn’t the “wee” little one you left a few weeks ago when you left to go to work. Has she grown a lot John? Does her beautiful smile bring joy to your heart and tears in your eyes?
Give her a hug from us.
Welcome home Daddy,
Carolyn………. wish I could hold her too
John,
Hope all is well at home and hope kye looks forward to seeing you.
Big fans as allways,
Frank and Bridie
Enjoy your time off !
with your sweet family,
remember this
Airplanes Sucks,,,,
Cruise Ships Dont,,,,
tom & jane
John:
Safe travels….I know you just a little antsy, because you are ready to be home with your precious beautiful young ladies.
David is flying tomorrow as well…to Philadelphia.
And yes, he may be in First Class…but not because he paid for it…but because he spends more time in an airplane than at home!!
Our friend Melvin is headed home to see Sigrid and Franco as well. Franco was 1 year old this month!!
Our other Carnival family member Ria (DJ’s Cruise Sister) and Lily have moved to Italy. (Her husband’s home) And she loves it.
We are all home with their families today…
all is right with the world.
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
John,
Enjoy your well deserved time off with your family.
Cheers
PVP Mike
John,
Hope the flight home is quick and that ipod boy is kind to you if he ever speaks.
Take heart…it will be their turn to fly economy the next time the market takes a hit and my friend Karma will play her hand and they’ll feel how you and I do.
Your treasure will be waiting when you are off the plane! 
Safe travels my friend, Alice
PS My husband fell off his chair when I told him about your funny comment about taking Viagra to stay in your berth during rough seas…I thought he was going to need oxygen! LOL I told him CCL is filled with oodles of fun people!
Dear John,
Take a well deserved break from this blog thingy! You need to give your ladies your undivided attention since you will shortly leave them again! The bloggers will still be here when you come back! Your ladies need you now!
Bon Voyage!
Linda (I’m not French!)
Have a very relaxing time getting back up to speed with your Lovley daughter and Fantastic wife….
you deserve it
At least you’re on the plane heading home.
Things could be a lot worse my friend.
Safe travels!
David
I’m at work, laughing out loud at your “crop dusting” comment. I will be flying across the country in less than 2 weeks to cruise on the wonderful Carnival Sensation and I am thinking about walking through business class to the cattle section for my long 5 hour flight, checking out the faces of those there and contemplating my own “crop dusting”.
Thanks for the laughs! Enjoy your time off.
Patty
John,
I couldn’t agree more with some of the people you meet on airplanes. One thing I don’t get is when people in the very back of the airplane are getting up and going a few rows up to get their baggage right away. I mean, the bags aren’t going anywhere. If you’re sitting in the back, you’re going to be waiting at least five minutes after business class steps out and you’re among the last to get off, so why rush the second they park the plane at the gate? On the other hand I could understand after a long flight across the Atlantic, you want nothing more than to get out of there.
Oh by the way, if you get rain sometime this week, blame Bill the Bastard. I heard that remnants of what was once Hurricane Bill are headed your way. I guess the Bastard isn’t quite done with you yet… But that won’t matter because you’ll be with your girls. Thanks for all the laughs. Have a nice day!
Alex G.
John (please reply)
My family and I are on the Legend for Oct 11th and are very excited to have you as our CD. After all the great things I’ve heard on the Cruise Critic Boards I know we’ll love our trip. This will be the first CCL voyage for me (41), my son (10), my mom (66), and dad (74) and my wifes (I better not say) 2nd.
The last few cruises (on other lines) we have made a point of not just doing the “tourist” stuff but to try and do something positive for kids in need in the places we visit. My family and I have been collecting books and supplies for the kids in Roatan from numerous sources here, but I need to know if there are special things I need to do to take them off the ship for delivery. It was suggested I contact you early to get your assistance. Any help or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance and we can’t wait for our vacation on the Legend with you.
What an unexpected blog, but glad you are here. Hope the movie was good and the flight uneventful.
By them time you read all the replies, you will be back home. Tired, but happy to be there.
Keep smiling John, you truly are one of the good guys.
My best to Heidi and Kye.
Crop dusting indeed! Love that image, and am thankful there are still no *smells* attached to blogs.
Enjoy your time with your girls. Hugs to all of you!
Duchess Sandy in GA
…boarding the Holiday on 10/10!
John
Have a safe and wonderful trip home…for many of of cruising is our vacation …we do not look forward to going home….for you this is your vacation HOME…to enjoy our family life…enjoy your daughter and the plesure of your wife’s company…ENJOY, REST & LAUGH!!!! You deserve it!!!
Ohhhh please don’t let Murphy be on Johns flight!!
So glad you are home with your girls! ENJOY! How about a video of Kye? Your friends, Mike & Linda P.S. I have started a scrapbook with all the pictures of Kye since the day she was born that have been on the blog. She sure has grown in 3 months!
Dear Heidi,
Please hide John’s Dingleberry thingy and tell him that he is all yours for at least one day for each week he was gone.
John,
You are finally on mother earth again and the High Seas will still be there when Heidi gives your Dingleberry back to you and tells you to get back to work.
James & Nancy
The Cruzin2some
Dear John,
Wow! Thank you so much for the unexpected laughs! I wish you much joy and happiness in the time you have with your girls. Safe travels.
Sincerely,
Charlotte
John,
Glad to see your flight took off and you are on your way home (you might even be there by now)
Have a wonderful time with Kye and of course Heidi too.
Charlotte
Hi John, (please reply after some well deserved rest)
I just got off the Carnival Freedom mystery tour and am already missing life on the cruise. Let me start off by apologizing if this comment runs too long. I just wanted to let you know that I had a great time on the cruise, and let you know how everything went.
I guess I might as well start with the bad, which probably has more to do with me being a first time cruiser than anything. I had a few problems getting through embarkation. It started off as we walked into the terminal. Immediately as we walked in, we each had a form for the swine flu thingy stuck in our hands. No hi, no how are you, and worst of all no pens to fill out the form. After we scrounged around for a pen to fill out the forms, we really had no idea about how it was supposed to work. We had to ask a fellow cruiser what to do to get thru it all. The guy handing out zone cards wasn’t really interested in telling us how the system worked, so we again were asking other passengers what to expect. I know that the terminal was swamped at the time, but I was a little disappointed with the way everything was starting out. I just think there may be some opportunities here.
Ok, enough of the negative. The good news is once I was in line everything turned around. There were friendly Carnival employees the rest of the way thru the embarkation process. They were cracking jokes with us in line, and everything else ran really smooth.
Once onboard the ship, everything far exceeded my expectations. Everyone was friendly. Everyone was fun. Everyone worked hard to make sure that we had a good time. Our room was way bigger than I was expecting it to be. I was a little nervous about fitting three guys into a cabin, but we had plenty of room. Not to mention that the suction toilet was awesome! Our room steward was great. We couldn’t believe how quick he was to get the room put back together and cleaned. Our wait staff was the best! Tutu and Wewe were amazing. They knew exactly what we wanted, gave us great recommendations, made us laugh, took good care of us when the rocking ship was making some of our stomachs flip, and went far beyond what I was expecting.
The entertainment on board the ship was great too. Your welcome aboard show had me rolling not just in, but off my seat. The other shows were all very impressive too. Especially the dancers doing a full routine while everyone else is just trying to walk a straight line. The Beatles tribute was probably my favorite show. It really was great! The entertainment staff was a bundle of fun too. I especially enjoyed Mel. She was always a lot of fun, and seemed like she is a real sweetheart. And speaking of sweet, the sight of Jane in that black dress was quite the sight to behold. Say you couldn’t hook me up with a number? Just kidding.
Anyway we really had a great time and can’t wait to start planning my next cruise. I think I am officially addicted now. Thank you for being the best cruise director ever, and making the best out of a potentially busted cruise. I was never worried about the weather ruining the cruise because I knew that whatever happened you would find a way to make it fun anyway. Your naked rain dance on the bow just made sure that we could go on our original course! Thank you so much again, and make sure that you take a well deserved rest!
Dear John,
Your sense of humor never fails to give me a laugh. I wish I could read your blog at work but it’s blocked by stupid proxy policy! Bugger.
I can only imagine the look on your face when reunited with your family. Happy, happy, joy, joy!!! Have a wonderful vaca. I hope to see you on the Dream 1/30/10!
Regards,
Donna
It is so good that you are going home to see your family. Enjoy your time with Heidi and your lovely daughter Kye.
( Bye the way I wrote a comment yesterday with beautiful words but seemed to have disappeared into cyberspace. Oh well you can’t win them all. )
Most important my friend is to rest and love your family.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
John Please Reply.
John,
Do you have any word on the Carnival Elation? The itineraries for May 2010 and on we suppose to be relased on Aug. 17. Thank you for all your help!
Spencer
Greetings John – -
I followed your flight on one of those “flight-tracker” Internet thingies all the way across the pond until AA flight 56 safely landed at LHR. When “Landed” came up on the screen I knew that you were one happy camper. Now get some rest and enjoy your time with Heidi and Kye. I know it was difficult for you to carry out your responsibilities as Freedom’s CD and be our “Blog-Master” at the same time. We all wish to thank you John for your efforts and for caring so much for all of us who sail on Carnival ships.
You always have the best “characters” seated near or next to you when you fly.
Get lots of family photos for this week’s photo. I know it had to feel wonderful to see those girls again.
Looking forward to hearing about your arrival.
Foo…
All the better reason to bring back trans Atlantic travel via ship. John, we need to do this with Carnival vessels…
Here’s hoping that you’re home with your lovely ladies and getting an opportunity to enjoy.
All the best…
Mach and Stitch
I saw the Freedom depart yesterday watching from the beach, I thought you where onboard ahah.
From, Jake S.
Hey, John you could ask for a mike and do your Carnival Bedtime Story for the plane and try to knock them all out!!!!!!! My neice and I once spent most of out time on an international flight to catch a Black Sea/Egypt cruise passing out snacks and walking around asking people if they were traveling for Business or Pleasure……The flight attendents thought we were awesome and it really passed the time…..oh holy cow I spent way to much time in the service industry!!! Lol …..Although it comes in handy….like when I do Breakfast or the Lunch Line at school……I like to put the silverware and the paper napkin on the tray and say “Good Morning” to each kid like I am working on a ship……Some of the teachers think I seem a little batty but it does seem to improve the students mood…..of course they are not getting a nice selection….LIKE I AM SURE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW OF YOUR YUMMY PLANE FOOD…lol
Have a grand time off!!!!!!!!!!!
John, I know the look well. I have seen it many times while walking down the aisle on a A319/A320/A321 on my way to my seat on a flight to Miami from Toronto or Denver. The Fort Lauderdale to Toronto biz class seats were truly amazing, but the class of people were the same–look at us like cattle going being shoved into the overcrowded feedlot!!!!!
I am sure that when you get home Kye will not leave your arms–unless she needs to be fed, changed, or bathed!!!!!
Enjoy your time at home!
Dear John
I love to read your blogs..and what makes it nice is that i can hear your voice..On our flight to Florida to board the freedom was long long..and i has said to my hubby i hope we do not get in the nursery area..but alas that is where we were..for the most part they were all wonderful..except the one behind me kept kicking my seat..(oh yes i work with behavior children 9 mns of the year) it was not easy to make the behavior specialist stay home at that moment..and my heart went out the couple across from us..for they had three..which two went to sleep right away..one cried the whole way home.. MOM was a saint..she was gentle and kind and soothing…i meant to give her a note to let her know we have all been there..and that for some children their little ears can not take the pressure from the cabin sooo the only way they can relieve the pressure and pain is to cry..
Thank you again John for your blog..and do have a grand time home with your family..make all kinds of memories for them as you do for us..
blessings
Rue
John, It has been almost 2 months since our cruise on Carnival Freedom ended. It seems like everything we do, we compare to our week on the ship with you. We did not meet you personally, but I feel I know you like a close friend. Hope your
vacation goes well. I can imagine how it feels to be home with your girls. I have 2 daughters, 19 & 23, (they were with me & the wife on the cruise, in a seperate room of course). I read the post by Dave Carson how he followed your flight until it landed. How awesome is that. You are truely blessed to have friends like this. I wonder how many of us you have really met. To quote a saying from an old movie,”No man is a failure who has friends.” Forget the blog thingy and enjoy your stay at home. We can make it until you return.
I think you have 5 million bloggers soooooooo very happy that you are off a ship, on dry land and home with Heidi & Kye….
Gets lots of uhhhhhhhh sleep, yeah sleep and enjoy you time off….
Please DO NOT blog every single day but do get us lots of family pictures….
ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY….
Well John, at least you have the consolation of knowing the UK cricket team beat the Aussies! Happy days…
hi john hope u have a save trip home.
This is perhaps one of the best descriptions of a travel I have read in the recent times…great! Hope you had a safe journey-keep us updated always.
Just stumbled and submitted your site to http://Viralogy.com. Hope you get some great traffic from it. Your blog is here http://www.viralogy.com/blogs/my/34313
John,please reply..
Hoping you have a fantastic visit with Heidi and Kye..
A question came up on our Oct 3rd Carnival Dream roll call..Do you know if we will be able to access Skype whilst onboard if we get the internet package..
thanks in advance
Mel
Guess you don’t want a free upgrade then ??? LMAO
Actually the elbowing comment had me thinking, if it were not for every passenger rushing to get on the plane the moment boarding is called, there wouldn’t be this issue, if people sat around and waited for their rows to be called it would make life easier for everyone and well the plane isn’t going to leave with them still sitting in the terminal.
Have great break on terra firma! I am sure you, Heidi & Kye have a lot of catching up to do!
Ann & I head for Copenhagen on Sunday for my / our first Costa cruise to Norway for 7 nights! Then it’s a week in Copenhagen followed by 28 days on the Emerald Princess to Scandinavia / Baltic, Scotland, Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, Canada ending back in the FLL, USA (after cruising and traveling throughout Europe for the last 5 1/2 months)!
If you or anyone else is interested, check out our travel blog:
http://web.me.com/earthlight920/Living_the_Dream_Continued/Welcome.html
Stay well my friend and hopefully we will catch up soon.
Regards,
Storm’n Norman
John, STOP BLOGGING!!! YOU TRULY NEED AND A BRAKE FROM THIS THING!! SLATHER THE TIME WITH YOUR GREAT WIFE AND BEAUTIFUL BABY AND FORGET ABOUT US!!! Your Buddy, Nelson Baker
Just think! you could have been traveling home with 9grand kids!!!! like I was!!!
Have a great time at home!!!
Home again – how fortunate for you.
Not sure if you will be keeping up the blog. I’m a fairly new reader. This blog thingy keeps me entertained on slow days at work so I hope you will keep it going thru your shore leave. I’ve tried reading other cruise blogs from “Best Blogs on Sea” but the ones I’ve tried are very dry – hard not to compare them to yours.
I hope to cruise again before next spring and would like you to be the cruise director. I’m very curious from all the positive comments. So I’m waiting to book. Looking forward to your schedule being posted on this blog.
Thanks for sharing your talent. Hope your visit with your Heidi and Kye will energize and refresh you – body and soul.
John,
By now you are home with your dear ones and lovin’ every minute! Enjoy!!!
Mike & Lori
Hello John,
We are just off the Freedom with you on 8-15-09. What an adventure with the hurricane threat! Our family had a wonderful time enjoying your shows, and your morning broadcasts-we laughed and laughed! Our son Kevin drew a picture of you as the “New Yorker” and was looking forward to meeting you on the gangway, but you had already left. He did get his trophy of the Freedom which he truly loved. He really wanted a picture with you. So, please post your schedule where you will be from April-next summer if you can. We are looking to book another cruise. He would love to be on “your ship” again! We will send you a picture of Kevin and our family at your address in the United Kingdom unless you want to email me back and I can find out how to email them to you. We want to say thank you again for a delightful cruise. Our two boys Kyle and Kevin met so many friends, and really enjoyed the ports we visited. We hope to get to Antigua in the near future on another cruise, and hope to meet you as well. Thanks so much, and enjoy your much deserved time off with your family. To we meet again!
Stephen, Paulette, Kyle, and Kevin Brochet
Have a very well desrved rest at home.Enjoy your lovely wife and spoil your daughter.Play bath tub games and change some nappys:).
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You work too hard, go on a cruise or something!
enjoy your well deserved vacation John!
Robert