I was standing with Wee Jimmy at the coffee shop this morning when I guest shook my hand and told me they had sailed with me before and then said, “So, don’t take this the wrong way”…….as soon as he said that I knew I wasn’t going to like what was said next because no good can come from beginning a sentence that way..

It’s the same when a guest says “Don’t be offended, but” ……..or…….”I don’t mean to bother you.”

Anyway, the guest carried on telling me he had cruised with me on the Carnival Triumph and “it seems like you’ve put on some weight.” Then he quickly added: “But you look good still.”
(more…)

My first-ever job was working as a civil servant for Her Majesties’ Customs and Excise Branch A1G. It was a summer job, I was 16. I filed bits of paper and if I looked out of the window in the morning I had bugger all else to do in the afternoon……. anyway ………… that’s not the point……let me tell you what is.
(more…)

It has been a hectic couple of days and, before I explain why and answer a bucket load of comments marked for my reply, let me tell you that last night ( Friday) I decided to switch off for an hour and watch a movie. I always try to read before I go to bed because, if I don’t, I lay there thinking of blogs, work, shows and Megan Fox’s bottom.

Unfortunately, I have finished my book and so I decided to watch a movie. I need distraction in order to perform the daily tasks required of me and not just at work but at home as well.
(more…)

I know I usually start the blog each day with a light hearted look at what happens in my life both on board and at home but not today………….and that’s because I am as angry as a big bag of angry……..things………see ……..I am so angry I can’t even write a funny end to a sentence.

Why? ………………..Well, because I met quite possibly the rudest most arrogant guests I have seen in many years ………….I can’t tell you their names of course but I can tell you that they are members of The Whale and Dolphin Conservation something or other and that they hate me.
(more…)

Over the years I have been used to being invited to dinners and events because people know I will make conversation and am pretty effortless when it comes to small talk. This is why I am summoned once a cruise to eat at the captain’s table………which as I wrote in a blog last week I enjoy as much as I do having a bleeding hemorrhoid. Yet, there I was again last night …….at the captain’s table……..in my role as cruise jester. When the toilet explodes, you call a plumber. When the car needs servicing, we take it to a mechanic and when they want someone to be funny at a boring captain’s dinner…………they call me.
(more…)

Every night before I go to bed and every night when I wake up I think about the same thing …………Megan Fox’s bottom…………..oh……..and what the heck am I going to write about in the next blog. And every time…….when I think I will be sitting in my underpants ……….staring at a blank screen…………something happens.

A few weeks ago or less I wrote a blog about how a guest had followed me into the toilet and as I stood pointing Percy at the porcelain he questioned me about the dolphin excursions in Grand Cayman. Well, this morning it happened again……not in the toilet ……..but in a scary, unforgiving place which I have discovered…….it’s called the gym….or as I like to call it…..hell.
(more…)

Sometimes…when you are on stage, talking in full flow and with the auto pilot engaged it is easy to say something that ……….makes you go………..”Oops.”

So was the case yesterday afternoon during my welcome orientation talk.

Here is the outcome of my faux paus.
(more…)

If there is ever any doubt in your mind that about my dedication to this blog thingy is nothing but 100% then all I can say is “wish you were here.” It’s 5:30 am……let me say that again………it’s 5:30am ……….and having gone to bed at 12:30 am just 5 hours ago I sit here……in my underpants……….waiting for a delayed debarkation to start. I am here so early because I am so far behind in answering the comments marked for my reply and so the only way to catch up is to answer a triple load today……and so without further ado……….and after a quick fart……….OK, that’s better…..let us begin ……….here we go.
(more…)

I met a man today who had asked to see me……he was a very nice man…..but wasn’t a very happy one. This was his 43rd cruise and his first with Carnival. And while he thought the service was excellent and the food good, he hated the decor of the ship and was exasperated that we didn’t provide lectures and other high brow forms of entertainment. He also did not like the fact the ship was so big with so many people on it.
(more…)

One thing I always promised you and myself from the outset of this blog thingy was that it would contain the good, the bad and the ugly………..and that is what I have continued……..I hope…..to provide you with. I never wanted the blog to be a vitriolic ( thanks to Jenner De La Tights from PR who introduced me to that word earlier this week ) proclamation that everything Carnival and I do is perfect………….because its not…………and before I continue I want to thanks Gerry Cahill and the senior management at Carnival for allowing me to write what happens as it happens.
(more…)