Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009...5:12 pm

iBlogs And Other Gadgets

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The birds and the bees………..ahh yes………..that is supposed to be explained by your Dad during a conversation by the fire in slippers and smoking a pipe………yep…….that chat you’re supposed to have with your father about the time you first start noticing that girls don’t make you vomit any more ……………..well, I never had that chat and learned all about the birds and the bees from old copies of Penthouse magazine and from staring at Sally Poole’s breasts.

Now I’m 44 and by the time Kye is ready for her “chat” I will be 64 and anyway by the time Kye is 20 rumpy pumpy will have been banned because all that body heat will be the cause of global warming and the slaughter of a few Polar Bears.

So I am no help to you when it comes to the rumpy pumpy chat thingy but I can help you with something else Dads……………something that I know you need my help with.

This then Dads is the conversation you need to have.

“Son, I was meaning, ummmmm, to talk to you, if you have a minute. It’s about women. As you may have noticed, they’re different from us. There’s no easy way to tell you this, son…but women don’t like spending money on gadgets. As you know from our last little chat, your mummy and daddy lay down next to each other for three minutes and, nine months later, Sammy the Stork dropped you down the chimney. Well, one day it will be your turn to receive a visit from the stork. And if you haven’t indulged your enjoyment of gadgets by then, mark my words, my son, you never will. I’m glad we had this little chat.”

I wasted my teenage years trying to date proper girls when, if I’d been given the chat, I would have been happily accumulating all sorts of gadgets.

Before Heidi and I were married I did manage to buy a plasma TV but it wasn’t a Bang & Olufsen I wanted because I naively assumed I would be able to get one when I was a little older and a lot richer. So I bought one by a brand called Grundig which is Japanese for “total and utter crap.” I got a cell phone but not one with a built-in cappuccino machine. I never bought a remote-control helicopter or surround-sound cinema or an ice-cream maker or a nose hair trimmer from Sharper Image.

By saying “I do” to a tearful girl in a big white dress, I, like all men before me, kissed goodbye to my chances of acquiring new gadgets until death do us part. I will never know whether shooting people on PlayStation 3 is more enjoyable than shooting people on Xbox 360. They are both banned. Ditto phones, computers, cameras and personal music players.

“There’s nothing wrong with the one we’ve got,” is the motto of married life, unless we’re talking about dresses, shoes or handbags. It gets worse when that meddling stork arrives. Suddenly I found the only gadgets I was allowed to buy were strollers, baby seats and, shudder…………… breast pumps.

Then, the second he or she gets motor control, the baby joins the anti-gadget crusade. A top-spec Remington shaver I bought when I thought nobody was looking took a tumble down the stairs before I even had a chance to use it. My phone, the one without the tea maker, followed. The non-Bang & Olufsen has been drawn on with a knife (but there’s apparently still “nothing wrong with it”) and my iPod was found to be unwaterproof.

The one prized gadget I had managed to buy though was my Bose Wave radio. Five hundred dollars, I paid in St. Thomas for a bedside radio. The sort of madness only bachelors can get away with. I had snuck it in long before the stork. I don’t think I was even engaged. But it had been on borrowed time for months. And last week it met its maker, courtesy of an “accidental” milk spillage when a bottle of Heidi’s expressed breast milk meant that it would never wake me up again.

And so yesterday I decided to say bollocks and went out and bought a new 50 inch plasma TV. I still couldn’t afford the Bang & Olufsen but instead I bought a Samsung……..I didn’t tell Heidi. It just arrived. Accompanied by some Polish workmen who hung the TV on the wall and buggered off. As soon as the door closed I felt a sharp pain in my arse and found a size 7 ladies shoe hanging out of it. I have no idea how it got there……..Police officers are investigating as I write but please, unmarried men, take my word for it: enjoy your gadgets while you still can and please pass this down to your sons.

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Time for today’s questions…………… here we go.

Marty Paul Asked:
JOHN, PLEASE REPLY.
Hi John,
Thank you for your blog (I’m hooked) and the posting of the photos of the beautiful Carnival Dream. My girlfriend & I will be on the Oct 15th sailing in the Med and can’t wait!

My question is with regard to another Carnival cruise/vessel. I was wondering what happened to the Carnival Glory’s 3 sailings to Quebec (aka “After the Glaciers”) from NYC in summer 2010.

Did Carnival cancel these sailings? Recently, I couldn’t find them on the website…am I missing something?
Thanks…
Marty Paul

John Says:
Hello Marty Paul
It makes me so happy when I read how much people enjoy the blog. I am particularly pleased this morning because its 7 am and I have been writing for 45 minutes already. I have a full day planned with Heidi and Kye and a list of jobs to do so it’s an early start for me and my underpants ………….so thanks again for the kind words.

I am sorry to report that yes you are correct; Carnival did postpone the three sailings you mentioned and that’s a shame. However, with current market conditions we really wanted to focus our efforts on our four- and five-day Canada sailings. Hopefully one day we will be able to run these voyages because I think they would really be superb. I went to Quebec on the Carnival Legend in 2002 and despite everyone speaking French and refusing to speak English there is no doubt what a stunningly beautiful city Quebec is. I hope though that you are excited about your Mediterranean cruise on your Carnival Dream. It is something that you will never forget and what better way to see places like Venice and Dubrovnik than on your Carnival Dream. If there is anything else I can do for you before you sail please let me know.
Best wishes to all
John

David Wyatt Asked:
John, please reply.
I have a question concerning the rank insignia of the Captain. Above his rank, on his sleeve of his black jacket, is what looks to be a crown, can you tell me what it signifies and do you know of a location on the web I can find information and especially pictures of the rank insignia used by the Carnival crew? I know I have seen it in previous cabin information books, I wish I had taken the book, (did I type that out loud?) I mean I wish I had taken more notice of what’s in the book. Perhaps you know of a location in which the books could be downloaded.
Thanks Again

John Says:
Hello Dave
That was funny……”I wish I had taken the book”……….you would not have been the first or been the last to do that. Yes, in the old days the book about the ship did have the rank and insignia of each officer and department head on board. You know, I must be honest and I can be because it’s my blog……..I miss the old style books. The old books had bios and photos of the captain and every department head on board and now………well………..now it seems to be more advertising than anything else………and while I understand that these commercials pay for the book it still has I think lost that personal touch.

I remember on the Carnival Destiny that Captain Gallo and I sat in the disco for four hours signing the inaugural books and taking photos…….it was brilliant. I did the same on the Carnival Triumph but by the time I brought out the Carnival Legend the book started changing. I just looked at the book for the Carnival Splendor and while there is a tiny photo of the Captain he is the only department head mentioned. Now don’t get me wrong, the books are still great an excellent read but…….well……….I think they used to be better……………just my opinion of course.

Now, as for the crown above the Captain’s insignia. I am not sure why they went with a crown. I am not sure if there is a specific reason for this but I will find out and who better to ask then the Master of your Carnival Dream Captain Carlo Queirolo. I will post his answer as soon as I receive it.

There is nothing at the moment about this on carnival.com but you know what………there should be and if you give me a few weeks I will ask one of the 343 Stephanies to put this information on the website.

Back with you soon.
Best wishes
John

Brian Asked:
John, Please Reply
I was wondering how the dining room entertainment is set up for the eat anytime arrangement? Do those that choose to eat in that dining room get to have the “hot, hot, hot dance”, along with the macaroni, etc?
If the waiters do perform, is it to the detriment of guests waiting on dinner, or is it only a select few waiters that dance/perform?

Also, if a guest requests traditional seating, can they attend the anytime seating (I’m not talking about the alternative dining on Lido, but the trial dining on the bigger ships)?
Just curious. Thanks!!!
Brian

John Says:
Hello Brian
That’s a great question and the answer is that while most of the anytime diners do see the dining room performances some may see it while eating the appetizer rather than dessert which is usually what happens. The shows are usually no more than 5 minutes so it does not affect the service in anyway and so far we have not seen any negative comments suggesting service is affected. You do though have to make a choice between assigned seating and anytime so unfortunately you cannot just go one night and use anytime if you have assigned seating.
I hope this helps answer your concerns and if you have a follow up please let me know
Best wishes
John

Margie Miller Asked:
John Please Reply
Hi John I am new to Carnival & have been reading your blog for about the last 3 weeks. Kye is exquisite & last week’s picture was so beautiful.

We will be going on The Dream in April but I know she will be in Pt. Canaveral before then. I know that some ships have tours or open ships for TA’s but I wondered if there was anything for non-TA’s? We live about an hour away & could make it on short notice!! I am not looking for anything free; we would certainly be willing to pay.
Thanks John

John Says:
Hello Margie
As always it is great to welcome new readers to the blog. So far we have had nearly 4.9 million readers since its conception two years ago and I bid you a warm welcome and thank you for those beautiful words about Kye.

While we do offer tours of the ship for travel agents we don’t do this for the public. I can imagine if we advertised this we would be flooded by requests and with 3,800 guests embarking for their cruise it would be far too many people to control. However……if you remind me when I am onboard in February when I am onboard I will see if I can get you onboard……I am sure it won’t be a problem.

So, remind me next year and I will hope to see you onboard your Carnival Dream.
Best wishes
John

Peg Dunbar Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY
What a great blog John, between horrible T-Shirts that people should know better to wear and a beautiful wedding. I am not surprised that someone has finally said something about those T-Shirts. They really are horrible. I will never understand why anyone would think it is appropriate to wear something like that and not have someone say something.

But your day ended with a beautiful wedding. I am so happy that Carnival could make the couple happy. They had to be so disappointed that their plans had been changed. But because of you and your staff all has ended well. They are so lucky to have Carnival on their side.
The pictures of the Dream are amazing. My question is, since she will be going to Europe in the fall, when will Carnival be going back in 2010? I would really like to go back to Europe but I refuse to sail any other line but Carnival, so whenever they go back I want to go too. I just cannot do it this year, we have traveled so much as it is and I am going to be booking the Carnival Ecstasy for the January 14th sailing. We go to Texas every winter and the church we go to are planning this cruise. I just got the information today and tomorrow I will book us. This is the first time we will be able to drive to the port, no air fair YEA. Three cruises in 14 months, amazing at least it is for us.

So, I hope you can give me some good information about Carnival going back to Europe in the fall of 2010.
Keep smiling John, you truly are one of the good guys.
My best to Heidi and Kye, who are anxiously waiting
For you to come home.

John Says:
Hello Peg
Every time I write about Europe so many wonderful memories return and I look back on my time on the Carnival Liberty, Carnival Freedom and Carnival Splendor and realize that when they sailed in Europe that those times were some of the happiest I have ever had during my 23 years at sea.

While I can confirm that sadly we will not have a ship in Europe during 2010 but I’m hoping 2011 may be a possibility but I personally love sailing from Europe and so do our guests, obviously. Fingers crossed.

I know what a loyal supporter of Carnival Cruise Lines you are and maybe one day we will both get our wish and sail together through Europe.
Let’s see what the future brings.

Best wishes to you and all your family.
John

Linda Stein Asked:
Hi John…please reply! My husband and I are going on the Miracle on November 4th. It will be our 2nd Carnival cruise. We were on Miracle last July out of New York and had a really good time. Miracle is such a pretty ship and the crew and staff are really great, friendly and helpful I can’t wait to get back to her. We’ll be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.

I’m not sure if you’re able to answer this but my question concerns excursions. When we went last July we were able to book excursions through the Carnival site months before sailing. However, this time, for our stops in St. Martin and St. Lucia there are only 8 and 9 choices available for our cruise. The full excursion lists show almost 30. Since this is only my 2nd Carnival cruise, is this normal? Someone on Cruise Critic suggested it might be because we’re on those islands on Saturday and Sunday. Does that make a difference?

Anyway, thanks in advance for your time. I just love reading your blog. I’m a lifelong anglophile and just love your take on things. Keep it up!

John Says:
Hello Linda
The Carnival Miracle has since her launch been, for whatever reason, a ship that has always come at the top of the fleet’s hospitality ratings that are given by you when you fill out your comment/review card.

Now normally the excursions we operate do not change due to a weekend call. The operators need to make money regardless of the day and I have not ever been on a ship where calls are made on a weekend and the tours are diminished. It maybe that there are lots of vessels in port that day or maybe that some tours are seasonal or most probably…….they just haven’t been placed on line. Regardless, let me find out. I will send a note now to our shore excursion department and post their answer ASAP so please keep reading the blog. Booking your tours online with Carnival before you sail is something more and more people are doing and it makes total sense to do so. You arrive onboard, already knowing what you and your family are going to do in port. Anyway, I will find out if there are more tours in St. Maarten and St. Lucia which we will be offering online and I will let you know very soon.
Best wishes and have a brilliant anniversary cruise……..and thanks for the very kind words about the blog.
Best wishes to you both
John

Mike Richardson Asked:
John,
PLEASE REPLY
I wanted to let you know that we had a wonderful time on the Fantasy August 8th. The Maitre D, Jogi, went above and beyond taking care of our family. He mentioned that you had e-mailed him to let him know that we would be there. Thank you so much to you and to Jogi for taking care of us.

I’m also guessing you had something to do with the bottle of champagne and the fruit basket as well. Thank you for the gifts. While unnecessary, they were very much appreciated.

We enjoyed every bit of the Fantasy. The staff was very friendly; I felt every one of them knew us. We spent a lot of time in the karaoke bar with Christina, who was so much fun.

I also wanted to signal out one crew member in particular. I evidently dropped my sail and sign card in the disco and another passenger found it and tried to use it. When he tried to get a drink, the bartender Ross knew that he had my card. Security was alerted and he was taken care of appropriately. I just wanted you to know how much we appreciate people like Ross. I know you have many quality people, but I was hoping you might be able to do something special for Ross. He deserves it.

Once again, John thanks for everything you do for us.
Mike, Michelle, Blythe, Donny, Skyler, Shayla, Bubba, Barb, Niki, and Joe

John Says:
Hello Mike
I am glad you enjoyed the cruise Mike and no need to thank me for the fruit basket, etc. You have done a lot for me and have always been a big supporter of the blog so it was the least I could do. I loved reading your words of praise for the Carnival Fantasy, Jogi, Ross and the crew and I have forwarded them to the Hotel Director on the ship who will make sure they get to see them.

It just goes to show how watchful our staff has to be as on every ship there is always one guest who will try something deceitful like trying to buy a drink on your card. I am glad he was dealt with accordingly……maybe we should adopt the Saudi Arabian way of dealing with thieves …….. although then the guest may have difficulties applauding at the shows.

Thanks again Mike and my best to you and Michelle, Blythe, Donny, Skyler, Shayla, Bubba, Barb, Niki, and Joe
John

Medic123 Asked:
John (please reply)
Thank you for your wonderful blog. It has given me a great insight to Carnival, I wouldn’t have otherwise. We will be on our second cruise on Carnival Inspiration September 26. Our first Carnival cruise was almost 10 years age. During this time we have been devoted to Itsnowtoobigfor me of the seas. I am going to ask you for a favor. We will be traveling with a young lady that was my foster daughter for 6 years of her youth. During the adoption proceedings her mother decided she wanted her back (after not seeing her during these years). We have just got back together (her mother would not allow us to visit) and I have found out she has had a really hard life with her mother. I am giving her this cruise for her honeymoon and she begged us to go with her. This is her first vacation ever since she left us at 7 years old. I really want to make this special for her!! I have purchased many additions to help with that. If there is anything you can do or suggest to help me make this a memorial trip, I would eternally grateful. Thank you for everything you do!!! I hope you are home with your girls when you read this, since it is very obvious how much you miss them

John Says:
Hello Medic123
One of the things I try to accomplish as I sit here in my underpants writing this blog is to give an unprecedented insight into life on and off a ship and of course a insight into what makes Carnival the world’s most popular cruise line. And judging by your remarks it seems to have done exactly what I hoped it would.

We are honored that after sailing for some years on RCI that you have decided to come home to Carnival and what a heartfelt story you shared with us about your foster daughter. I will do all I can to make her feel special. Thank you for the kind words and I wish you and your family a wonderful time onboard the Carnival Inspiration.
Best wishes
John

Rickwebste Asked:
Dear John, (Please reply)
I posted this yesterday along with Celebrity’s policies but forgot to put (please reply), sorry. I love reading your blog. I work nights and read it when I come home while winding down for bed. My wife and I will be taking our next cruise on the Valor Oct 25, 2009. We will be celebrating our anniversary. From my understanding you can no longer tour the bridge. We would love to see the bridge. Is it possible for you to help us get a bridge tour? Also, I was talking this morning with our 5 year old English Bulldog (Buttercup). Buttercup is mad that mom and dad are taking another Carnival cruise without her. Is it possible to take Buttercup on a cruise with us? LOL. How could you turn down such a beautiful face (you can see her in her formal at http://www.engbulldogs.com). Thank you for your help and thank you for such a great blog.
Rick and Amy Webster
PS what would we do with the dog poo?

John Says:
Hello Rick and Amy
Poor old Buttercup. I know he will miss Mum and Dad very much but unfortunately only service dogs are allowed to sail on a Carnival ship. So unless Buttercup provides a service I am sorry to say he will have to go to Vegas instead.

Unfortunately we are not permitted to send the masses to the bridge anymore. However, we will have a special tour on the Carnival Valor called the Behind the Fun tour. This takes just 16 people only not only to the bridge but to other rarely seen locations like the engine control room. This is available for purchase at the shore excursion desk and if you are interested I suggest you buy this as soon as you board as it is immensely popular but available only as I said to 16 very lucky people.

If Buttercup was to sail you asked what you would do with the poo………….well………. when we have a service dog sail there is a little corner of the outside of deck 4 reserved just for this ……… the crew have nick named this area………Paris.

Have a wonderful anniversary cruise and my best to all three of you
John

Tom and Cheryl Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY
John – just referencing my (below) comment from 8/13. As I read in your blog today I erred by not having the “JOHN PLEASE REPLY” (only “Please Reply”) in place!! I was in a bit of a rush – we had a CRUISE to catch that afternoon!!! So here it goes again:
————————————————————–
Tom-n-Cheryl
August 13th, 2009 at 8:44 am
(Please Reply)
Hello again there John! We are looking forward to our repeat encounter with you on the 12/3/09 Dream sailing… can’t wait!

I would like to say, as I have before, that I enjoy reading your blog – you never cease to amaze me. Having said that, I must admit that I only read it periodically – thus my following question may have already been addressed. Nonetheless, here it goes:

I’m fully aware that Carnival has a new fellow devoted to refining the past guest program, and no doubt there’s not a shortage of “suggestions” from folks like yours truly! One thing which I have read time and time again on Cruise Critic is the desire among Platinum cruisers for a “Platinum Past Guest Party” – or similar get together. Any chance that something such as that, which to me at least appears an “easy” addition, is coming down the pike?
THANKS!
Tom

John Says:
Hello Tom and Cheryl
Thanks for re-posting this comment Tom and Cheryl because I happen to totally agree with you. ….we do need a Platinum get together of some kind. You may have read also that this is on my list of must do thingies before year’s end. So, it is my intention to push this idea hard to Jim our head of marketing and his department as I think this is something we need to do. My idea is to have a lunch and or breakfast rather than the normal cocktail party. The lunch could be attended by the Captain where possible and must be attended by the CD and other senior officers.

Anyway, I hope to have news on this very soon.
Thank you for your loyal support and best wishes to you both
John

That’s all for today, there will be of course more questions answered tomorrow.

I had a question asked of me the other day by blogger Tanya about the difficulties faced by her son (who has certain disabilities) while he was at Club O2. While our Camp Carnival staff are fully trained in child care and entertain children and teens there may be some room for improvement when it comes to helping and entertaining and most of all understanding children and teens with concerns such as autism etc. And so, with this in mind I want to let anyone who has such a person sailing with them that I have had the permission of the one of the two people in overall charge of Camp Carnival and Club O2 agree to something special.

All I ask is that you let me know via the blog thingy when someone you know who has a disability or challenges is due to sail. I will then put you in direct contact with Wendy who works in our Miami office and who will be able to communicate with you directly to work out the best ways for your child to enjoy the Camp Carnival, Circle C or Club O2 facilities. This will also give Wendy the chance to alert the vessel and make sure they are prepared for their arrival.

I would ask that someone (maybe Linda) puts this on the boards and I hope that by opening these lines of communication we can improve the quality of kids’ time onboard and that also of the parents. My thanks to Wendy and all the Camp Carnival shoreside team for allowing me to do this.

OK…….we were just talking about Europe again and I also wanted to talk a little about Venice in reply to this question.

Ramsey E Kelley Asked:
John – Please Reply

We will be on the maiden voyage of the Carnival Dream and are so excited. We have pre booked most of our excursions and in Venice we will be taking the Murano and Burano tour but wondered how we get to St Marks square and what else we should do. Also we have heard about Harry’s Bar for dinner, have you been there ?
Thanks for all you do for everyone
Ramsey

John Says:
Hello Ramsey
I am glad that you booked the Murano and Burano tour because both outer islands have so much to offer. What else to see you asked? Well……….we have to start with Piazza San Marco? When you get off the ship a Vaporetto or water bus will take you to St. Marks Square. The Vaporetto’s run from right by the bow on an infrequent schedule. The best place to catch one from is Piazza de Roma which is the main Vaporetto station. It’s about a 15 minute walk from where the ship docks or you can pay for a shuttle bus provided by the port authority to get you there……should cost around $5 or 5 Euros return while the Vaporetto will cost 7 Euros. They run pretty much all the time from Piazza De Roma and make sure you check the sign on the front of the boat (just like a bus) and look for the one that goes to Piazza San Marco. The journey time is about 30 minutes. It’s the same process coming back but remember after midnight they run only on the hour – so 1 am, 2 am, etc.

You have to see St. Marks Square though. Admire the pigeons, the tourists and the astronomical cappuccino prices but sitting there is a must…………you’re on vacation on the most fabulous cruise ship in the world, and today you’re in the most romantic city in the world. And the city’s sinking. So it may well not be here next time you come. That’s a good enough reason for a drink isn’t it? The place to go is Harry’s Bar (Calle Vallaresso, San Marco 1323; conveniently situated next to the vaporetto stop. Considering that it is one of the most famous bars in the world, birthplace of the Bellini and second home of Hemingway, you wouldn’t expect it to look like a rather downbeat railway waiting room, but it does. No matter, the aperitivi are worth the trip to Venice on their own……..providing someone else is paying. If you really want to indulge make sure you book a table way, way, way in advance. The food is extraordinary but you may have to sell your children for medical experiments in order to pay the bill. The risotto was world famous and they have now changed the recipe and from what I hear Chef Madalindita has produced something that the stars come there just to enjoy.

There are many places to eat in Venice and although they will not be as expensive as Harry’s, the food is still quite expensive and as Italians themselves will tell you…………..Venetian service can be found wanting at times.

But regardless of the fact that the service is poor, the food expensive, the canals smelling like a Frenchman’s armpit……there is no other city like it in the world and to cruise into and out of Venice on your Carnival Dream will be indeed ………………living La Dolce Vita.

Time to feature today’s Cruise Director and today we introduce the first of the girls.

So………please meet Jen Baxter.

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1. Please tell us about yourself and your journey to the Cruise Director chair.
Well…….I started off studying theatre at school, then went on the study drama in college. I did many touring shows across the UK and also worked as an entertainer for a UK based Holiday Company in Spain for 3 years. I started working with Carnival as a Social Host in 2001 on the Carnival Ecstasy, then moved from ship to ship before getting promoted to ACD then finally…….I got my full CD promotion last October!

2. What ship are you currently serving on?
I am currently on the Carnival Legend which does 7-day Caribbean cruises out of Tampa.

3. Before we talk about you let’s talk about the ship. What are you favorite areas of the vessel and what is it that makes your ship the best in the Carnival fleet.
Well…..
I love the casino! The noise of the machines gives me a real buzz….and we have a fantastic soloist in there who plays all kinds of music.

I also really like it up on Deck 11 Fwd the sports Deck (not for the sports of course) It is very tranquil and you have the best views of the ocean from there, especially at night.

I would say that the Carnival Legend is the best ship in the fleet because in my opinion it is one of the friendliest ships I have every worked on, everyone says hello ALL the time. We also have a great home port (Tampa) and the itinerary is fabulous. We also have one of the BEST shows….”The Big Easy” it is a huge New Orleans celebration.

4. Can you tell us about your itinerary and please pick your favorite shore excursion from each port and tell us why you like it so much.
We call at Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize and Roatan.
Cayman: Anything with Stingrays……they are so cute, and they feel like velvet.
Cozumel: Sea Trek Helmet Dive – it is soooooooo much fun! You’re walking on the bottom of the ocean with a big space like helmet on…
Belize: Canopy Tour…this is the big zip lining tour, a real adventure tour. Lots of fun and thrills.
Roatan: I love the Gumbalimba Park….Pirates birds and monkeys! The monkeys are so cool, you can hold them and play with them.

5. If someone were to ask you “what does a Carnival Cruise Director do” how would you reply.
Works hard and plays hard!!!
I would say that I am in charge of making sure that people have a good time. My main responsibility is to be in charge of the Entertainment on board and I am also the information person who passes along any important information to the guests.

6. What is your most favorite part of the job.
I love it all……My favorites really are the marriage show, the Fun Hop and the Debark talk. Apart from that just getting to hang out and chat to people is great…..also getting to meet so many crew from so many nationalities.

7. If we were to sail on a ship where you are the CD what would be the must not miss activity or show that you host.
I truly love doing 2 things the most
1: The Marriage Show
2: The Fun Hop……I make people do silly dances from the UK….

8. What is the hardest and or most challenging part of the job of Carnival CD.
When people leave that you have become close to that is hard.

Whenever there is a hurricane or bad weather and we have to change itinerary at the last minute. Luckily this doesn’t happen that often.

However I do like a good challenge, I think it keeps you on your toes.

9. If you could sail on any other cruise ship (not Carnival) what ship would you like to sail on as a guest and why.
I would sail on the Oriana (P & O) as my brother is a musician on there? I have cruised before a few times with him and had a ball

10. Finally – please fill in the blanks:

YOUR FAVOURITE ACTOR
At the moment I have to say Sean Penn

YOUR FAVOURITE ACTRESS
Hmmmmmm…..Judi Dench

WHATS ON YOUR EYE POD
Everything imaginable…….but my favourites to listen to are musicals….especially Wicked, Dreamgirls and Les Miserables

YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE
Tough call between “The Shawshank Redemption” and “Terms of Endearment.”

WHO MAKES YOU LAUGH
2 English comedians, Rickey Gervais and Peter Kay. On Carnival though there are a few people that truly are hilarious. George (Chicken) Roberts who is the ACD on the Imagination, and Chris Roberts the CD on the Spirit!

YOUR FAVOURITE CARNIVAL CRUISE DIRECTOR EXCLUDING YOURSELF AND ME ( JOHN ) AND WHY
Chris Roberts…….He makes me laugh……he has a great Blues Brothers show….he is a great public speaker…he loves Vegas like me…….and he also likes Les Miserables!!! We both know ALL the words and can sing the entire 3 hours!!!

IF YOU WERE INVISIBLE FOR A DAY WHAT WOULD YOU DO
Go to a Zoo and hang out with the animals…….or anything to do with dogs!

Great interview Jen……I know many of you have written here on the blog thingy about her energy and how she is always around in public areas. I will be getting to see her work on the Carnival Legend in October and I am very much looking forward to that.

Readers of the blog thingy from months past will know that occasionally I moan about the same stuff……..usually flying, Ryan Air, the French, my hemorrhoids which I have now named Jean Pierre, Jean Claude, Jean Luc and Bastard………..oh yes………and people who work in marketing and the ridiculous language they speak…………..and I am going to do that again now.

Yesterday I was on the phone with 343 Stephanie’s and other tofu lovers talking about your Carnival Dream naming ceremony which by the way is going to be incredible……oh and not just the ceremony because there will also be a………….oops……………sorry…………can’t tell you anymore just yet but Jim and his team have come up with something totally brilliant ……………. anyway as I was saying………. and all was going perfectly well until someone said “I think what we need here is something that will actively mirror this idea’s long-term creative niche, yeah?”

Now, these meetings have gotten to be such a great source of merriment for me that I now record them on my little recording thingy and as I sat at home……….in my underpants……..listening to this extraordinary language I realized once again that I had no bloody clue what anything they say means……….and that is starting to worry me because I think I am the only one at Carnival who doesn’t.

I mean……….take Jim Berra, our brilliant chief marketing officer. He is the best of the best and his recent addition to the company has proven to be invaluable………yet…………as smart a man as he is ………….he and his entire department seem to have lost the ability to speak English and instead speak the language of marketinglish.

Who invented these words? Is there a person somewhere whose job it is to pick words from a bag and pass them along to others? This can be the only explanation as to why, because yesterday ……..as soon as the telephone conference started one of the Stephanies said, “Just going to run these ideas into the sky and then water them through a thought box until they shout ‘teamwork’”………at which point I pressed mute on my phone and went for a poo.

However, when I returned seven minutes late things had taken on a new and sinister topic. The marketing people had paused while someone had been sent to retrieve some figures of a computer thingy and probably to have a nibble on their tofu sandwich and while they were waiting…….they were talking about what marketing and computer types talk about when they have some spare time……………and that of course is………..the bloody Eye Phone.

I don’t have one of these and I know that the Eye Phone has been a huge success, and no small part of that success is down to the rise of the application……..or app as the Stephanies and their colleagues were calling it yesterday — little floating stools of downloadable software ranging from currency converters to a pretend pint of beer.

They can do anything from turning your phone into a spirit level and making it sound like a light saber, all the way up to a device that measures exactly how much of a bloody idiot you look while wielding said spirit-leveling light-saber phone in public. So, after the call had finished I decided to ask Uncle Google to show me some genuine “apps” for the Eye Phone……they include.

The iFart — the phone makes a noise like a fart. It’s a fart made cool by putting the letter “i” in front of it. Popular with schoolboys and ummm…………people like me I guess. Still, I don’t need an app for that as I have an ass for that.

Take Me to My Car — it works like this: you get out of your car and the app pinpoints your location via GPS and then, later, it guides you back to your car. If you’re the sort of person who can’t find your way back to your own car, then frankly you and this (cr)app deserve each other.

Hold On! — a big button appears on the phone’s screen. You see how long you can hold it. That’s it.

Good iDea — find someone who’s bothered to download Hold On! or any number of equally mind-draining iPhone applications. Next, take their iPhone forcibly from them, and shove it right up where their light saber app don’t shine

Can I suggest another iPhone app? Here’s what it does: if anyone in your meeting says anything such as “lets ladder up and swankify this idea” or uses their phone to drink a pretend pint of beer, what you do is simply press a button on your iPhone and it remotely and silently lifts up a pair of my underpants that have been recently iFarted into and uses them to gag the person who is talking such bollocks………..yes…………….there should be an app for that.

Goodnight
Your friend
John, Heidi and Kye

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60 Comments

Filed under Behind the Scenes, Destinations, Europe, Q&A, Tales from the Ship, Travel

60 Comments

  • hostmach
    September 2nd, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    It’s great to see Jen! I recall very well the briar patch she was tossed into a year ago when Ike came to call. Good for her.

    I have a meager collection of toys, all of which I enjoy. Sadly, or I guess not so sadly, my cruising addiction has compromised my to collecting. Now, it’s anything to do with a ship, a Carnival ship, in particular.

    Love the TV, John… the shoe… not so much…
    ;)

    Ciao!

    Host Mach

  • Cruzin2some
    September 2nd, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    To all of you who are booked and going on the Carnival DREAM’s cruise of the med all that I have to say to you is…………………….. PLEASE !!!!!take me with you!

    John, Where did Boris go I need more pictures!

    The Cruzin2some
    James & NAncy

  • Dave Myerly
    September 2nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Birds and Bees

    John you state “Now I‚Äôm 44 and by the time Kye is ready for her ‚Äúchat‚Äù I will be 64″……
    Forget that old buddy, you will need to have that chat in ONLY 10-12 years.

    Hope all is well.
    Dave

  • Larry Wheatley
    September 2nd, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Loxed the interview with Jen can’t wait till Dec 6th to meet her on our Carnival Legend cruise in 95 days. Love the blog can’t wait till Friday to see our little girls picture love the updates.

  • Peg Dunbar
    September 2nd, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Thank you John for answering my question. I am sorry that Carnival and you will not be going back to Europe until 2011. But when that cruise becomes available, I will book it. Mike may not like Europe like I do, but he sure did like Cannes when we went by that beach ;) I also hope you received my thank you note that I sent to you after we got back from Alaska. If not, thank you for all you did, it was such a sweet gesture. Sending good thoughts that Carnival will go to Europe in 2011. That seems so far away :(

    I do not know anything about I phones, and I am going to keep it that way. I never want to be that busy that I have to have a phone in my hand 24/7 with everything on it. I would leave it some place, drop it some place and or never see it again. How did these people get along 20 years ago?

    Keep smiling John, you truly are one of the good guys.

    My best to Heidi and Kye.

  • MSQPON - Jo Myerly
    September 2nd, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Hi John, I am the one who likes all those electronic toys in our house. When some new toy comes out I want it. We have at least one television in every room. Some rooms have two. The tv in my bathroom is on 24-7 when I am home. Oh do you know one of the secrets to a happy marriage? Separate bathrooms.

    Jo

  • southerndreams
    September 2nd, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    i love the tv john! just sayin’…

    smiles, bonnie and prince charlie

  • Bob and Donna
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    John,

    We were on the Carnival Legend (proper name) this last January. Jen was fantastic! It was our first Carnival cruise and Jen made it very special. She is correct about the Legend crew being the friendliest at sea. Please say hello to all of them from us when you are on board in October.

    We’ve just booked our second one on the Carnival Splendor with six other couples next February (more on that later).

    Bob and Donna

  • Linda Hernacki
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Beautiful TV, you look great too in your red shirt, you sure have lost a lot of weight John, and Heidi’s shoe fits perfectly up your arse! HA! Linda

  • DianeCruzin2
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    John..reply if you want

    We just got off another fantastic cruise on the Carnival Inspiration. This was our 2nd time on this ship and we loved the changes. We were also surprised to see that “George the Greek” was still the Maitre D’. What a fantastic gentleman he is. We were seated at a table for 10 and two of the couples were first time cruisers and they loved Carnival and were having a blast the other two couples were RCCL fans. However they said that that they were pleasantly surprised by Carnival and intended to sail with Carnival again! I also wanted to make a quick comment on the entertainment, “awesome” the Shout performance was fantastic especially the dance team of Natalia &Andrei. The way they danced to the song Aquarius just moved me. I also have to mention Barry in the piano bar. We really enjoyed the way he interacts with everyone. One last thing, I know this is a bit premature but Skip Lyons our CD told us that Carnival has two new ships on order to follow the Carnival Dream & the Carnival Magic. He didn’t have any info on them because they have yet to be named. Care to make any comments? Once again Carnival exceeded our expections and can’t wait for our 14th Carnival cruise on our Carnival Dream in February.
    All the best to you and Heidi and the lovely Kye.

  • Mary Lou & Lee Lovelace
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Dear John: As usual you had me laughing so hard, I ifarted.

    Thanks for all you do, you always make my day and I’m afraid I’m addicted to you.

    Your loyal reader, Mary Lou

  • Linda (Mom of DJ)
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    John:

    What an exciting (but challenging) offer from Wendy to give some additional assistance to our special kids. As I have often told people, Carnival’s staff is the reason that cruising has been such a huge benefit to DJ’s development.

    However I also remind folks that, as wonderful as Camp Carnival’s staff is, they can not provide one on one care. As long as parents have reasonable expectations….Camp Carnival will do their part to insure a wonderful vacation for all children.

    Now that DJ is past the Camp Carnival (Club O2) age…we have been considering the prospect of taking a companion for him with us when we cruise. We are going to see how these next two cruises go (this month and the Dream in December) which will be his first as an “adult”.

    I will post a note on Cruise Critic about this under the proper designated thread.

    Since David works from home (when he hasn’t flown off for the week)… your comments come to mind every time he starts speaking in “engineering lingo”. It sounds like a huge vat of alphabet soup just fell from the sky.

    Perhaps this is how a corporation avoids corporate “spies” … they develop their own language!!

    I, too, look forward to Carnival returning to Europe. Josh will be graduating in 2011….so that would be perfect for us to give him a cruise to Europe for his graduation gift….with the rest of us coming along…of course.

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  • Carolyn and Don
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Pooooooor John. no wonder you have hemorrhoids. :-( Don said to tell you that you are very fortunate. Heidi only wears a size 7… I wear a size 11………… See why he learned to say “Yes Dear” a long time ago…….. :-)
    Hugs………
    Carolyn the Big Foot

  • Steve
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Hi John, (PLEASE REPLY)
    If you already got this message and replied, please disregard it but it has said “awaiting moderation” for a week. I am curious about one of the itineraries for March 2010. During the week of March 7, 2010, both the Carnival Valor and the Carnival Glory have the exact same itinerary, visiting the exact same ports on the exact same days, at least that’s how I read the schedule on the website. Is this correct? and is there any reason for this? I can’t remember two ships following the same exact itinerary to the day before but maybe it happens more often than I think. Thanks!

  • iBlogs And Other¬†Gadgets | Bartender Empoyment
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:46 pm

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  • Bonnie Boatner
    September 2nd, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Dear John Please Reply:
    I am new to this blog thingy and truly enjoy it. I love your sense of humor.I am looking forward to having you as my cruise director on the Dream 12/03/09 and get more excited each day as new features are revealed. Laser shows to Pink Floyd!I cant wait.
    Now here is my question, how is your last name properly pronounced? Is it Held or Heeled? I just want to know ahead of time so I do not commit the social snafu of saying it wrong. And,I hear you love a good cigar and a brandy.So does my husband,so he would love to have a smoke and sip with you if your time permits.i know you will be very busy,we would love to treat you ,if not we will salute you as we partake on that lovely aft pool deck(providing smoking is allowed of course).
    (2 days and one sleep and we will be there.Woohoo and thanks.Bonnie

  • Cheryl K
    September 2nd, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    I love your new TV and an iPhone is a gadget!

  • Penny and Chris
    September 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    PLEASE REPLY:

    John, do you know who will be the CD on the liberty, inspiration, valor, and the triumph in August 2010? We had a fabulous 1 st cruise with you on your final Freedom cruise, we are trying to decide where #2 will be.

    Also, John can I say thank you for the class and finese that you displayed dealing with the negative, nay-sayers, on board the Freedom. It is unreal that some wanted to critize you and the captain for your decisions.

    We will gladly sail with Carnival again. If anything, it proved we were safe.

  • Donna
    September 2nd, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    John (please respond)
    This may be a question that you probably answered but being relatively new to this I may have missed it..so if you can be so kind to educate me I would greatly appreciate it.
    I know that Todd will be the CD on the Dream and you will be onboard as well..as the Carnival Ambassador…so tell me what is it that you will be doing on the ship…will you be out and about greeting everyone, will you be at the Captains’s party…or will you have to just listen to the compliners or will they have you hidden away chained to your laptop typing your blog thingy…waiting to take over as the CD while Todd is on vacation…just wanted to know…
    By the way I just got a great picture from our tablemates that we met on the Freedom while you were there…it brought a smile to my face and brought back the great time we had with you as the CD…thanks again John.

  • Deborah
    September 2nd, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Hi John, Please Reply

    Thank you for responding to my blog about our group on the TA Dream. You advised that the formal nights will be the 2nd sea day and the second to last sea day. Well the first formal night will be Oct 31…Halloween. Will the TA Dream celebrate Halloween and do we come dressed in costume to the Captains dinner? or do you think there may be an adjustment in the schedule? I know when I was on the Destiny during Halloween it was a fun time. The ship was decorated in the lobby and the entertainment staff went all out with their costumes. There was even a costume party – it was fun!! We just want to know if we should pack a costume.

    I will send you the names/cabin numbers for the Steak House reservations on Oct 1. – there will be about 40 of us dinning.

    I will also remind you of the need for a lounge on Oct 28 – the 1st Sea Day. Our group name is Transatlantic Dreamers…

    Thank you again for all you do and for all your kindness… I really hope to see you in Bermuda…

    All my best to you, Heidi and adorable Kye..

    Deborah (Debs)

  • Deborah
    September 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    John,

    Today’s blog about the gadgets hit home. My father who will be 81 has always loved cars and his indulgence is newer cars…when he was younger it was new cars.. The other day, I was taking my mother shopping, who will be 80 this year and she said that Dad is not happy with the Cadillac, he likes Lincolns better. She said, I told him not to buy the Cadillac but he liked all the gadgets it had over his Lincoln… She said that there is no way Dad will be getting a new car…I bet he will, as there is a new Lincoln dealership right down the street from him and I bet the newer car will have even more gadgets than the older Cadillac. So after 60 years of marriage, wives still get upset over gadgets. Thanks for the chuckle!! .

    My best to you, Heidi and Kye.

    Deborah (Debs)

  • Terri Reed
    September 2nd, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    John Please Reply

    I was on the Cruise Critic boards and I noticed a post that said to let you know about things you can implement to help parents of children with special needs on a cruise.

    I have had really good luck with taking my son with special needs on a cruise so far. The dining room staff has been wonderul with pureeing his food and letting me pick the nite before for the next nite and even helping me at the buffet with food for him to eat that is pureed.
    We have been lucky also that they have let us board first with the wheelchair so that we arent caught up in a crowd. The only probelm we have run into was a very rude family in the photo gallery, i know it gets very crowded in there and we try to wait our turn and all but last time my husband got someone ankle with the wheelchair and this lady went and got her daughter and son n law and they made an awful scene screaming at us in the middle of the gallery. We really try to be careful with the wheelchair but others are not as helpful. The other things that could make it easier is to have some staff stand at the elevators at really busy times and help those with wheelchairs get on. I am not saying we need to be allowed in front of others but whenever you try to get on with a wheelchair you hae a really hard time because people will just push past you and jump into the elevator ahead of you, alot of thsoe could be using the stairs and leaving the elevators for those that truly have to use them. I have walked up the stairs after getting my son and husband into the elevator just to make room for someone else.

    Anyway I would be more than happy to help give my opinions if it will help. The post said to post my name and booking number Our name is Dennis and Terri Reed our son is Zachery our room is 9270 and we are on the Conquest leaving this sunday Sept 6th 2009.

  • Miriam Bowman
    September 2nd, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    Hi John,
    First off, let me tell you that I love your blog thingie but tonight you really grabbed my attention about with the special needs comments. I am taking my daughter who has autism on the Destiny Jan. 16/2010 sailing. I hate the thought that I am asking for anything but when you said to write to you, I had to.
    This will be her first sailing ever (and my second, first with Carnival) and we are all really looking forward to it. She is as excited about going on the ‘big boat’ as we are!
    I have written directly to the special needs department already but if there is anything that you can do (oops, wasn’t going to ask for anything, was I??), I would be truly appreciative!!
    Thank you so very much! You have no idea how excited I am about this cruise and Carnival in general. All my questions have been answered promptly and efficiently. I’m already searching our next cruise with you!
    Miriam
    PS. Any chance you might be our CD??? Please??? With whipped cream and sugar on top….. :) OK, if not I would be happy enough with a 2010 schedule.

  • Denise
    September 2nd, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Hi John
    Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions (about your favorite beach). Since we won’t get to see you on the Legend (boo-hoo)I am sure my family will enjoy Jen. 11-8-09. And hopefully we will get another chance to see you in the future. I want to share a story with you about what Carnival has done for me and my family. In your reply to me you said ” thank you for bringing along 30 family members”. I didn’t want to give you the wrong impression and so I must explain that my Dad is bringing “the family members along”. My mom died, Dad remarried, seven years later she died(and he remarrieda third time). Us 4 kids living all over the United States, Dad came up with a plan to get us all together every few years. It is a wonderful thing he does for his children, grandchildren, & great grandchildren. This is the 3rd cruise that he has gathered us all together and paid for. And he only has one rule. We meet for dinner. :-) Each cruise has gotten better and better as we participate in more and more of the activities each time. I LOVE Carnival and thank you for this wonderful blog. Enjoy your family-they are beautiful ladies. :-) Denise (& Iggy)

  • Essiesmom (Carolyn)
    September 2nd, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    John – Please reply:
    I am a member of that very large, very excited Cruise Critic group on our Carnival Dream’s transAtlantic voyage from Rome. we have a spirited discussion in progress concerning cannoli, involving a stop in Civitavecchia to stock up at a recommended bakery. It has occurred to me that with a very Italian captain, the chef of our Carnival Dream might have mastered the creation of the perfect cannoli. Could you check with Captain Quierolo to see if this is so, and with the chef to determine if they will be offered aboard our Carnival Dream? Inquiring taste buds want to know…Carolyn

  • Tom and Cheryl
    September 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    (John Please DON’T Reply!!) :)

    I must say a feel a bit guilty. In your blog today you answered my repeat question for a second time! As was noted, I did not think the first one caught your eye – as it appeared the next day in the comments section. I was under the impression that if a comment was “flagged” for a response by either you or one of the Stephanie’s it would not appear at the bottom among the other comments. Thus I resubmitted the question several days later with the appropriate “John Please Reply” added. The guilt is due to my awareness of the great deal of time you take answering all the messages, and I managed to double up… it’s as if I bugged Santa TWICE, and STILL didn’t get a lump of coal!

    Tom

  • Shirley Cales
    September 2nd, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    John, my daughter has an iphone and if we are somewhere and a song comes on the radio or intercom (elevator, grocery store, etc.), she holds the phone toward the speaker and the phone will identify the music and the artist! I love that!

    I was glad to see you feature Steve Knisely on a recent blog. We were on Carnival Liberty with him in January 08 and he was absolutely brilliant. I’ve often wondered why I hear so much about so many other great Carnival CDs and not him. My granddaughter was on stage for his welcome aboard show so we bought the DVD and I still love to watch it. He does a great job.

  • Scott_F
    September 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    too funny man…

  • Shawn
    September 2nd, 2009 at 11:04 pm

    John (please reply)

    Just returned from the Imagination on Aug. 28th. Had a great time, and what a great deal (college student here). Lets just say it was such a great deal we had extra money to upgrade to First on the way home!
    Our room steward was amazing! Her name was Rommy (or Rommie) cannot remember. She was so wonderful and a pleasure to chat with. I asked for a picture with her, in which she happily agreed. Is it some how possible I can send a copy to her? This will probably the last vacation for me for awhile and she made it one to remember!
    LOVE THE BLOG!!
    Shawn

  • sara jennings
    September 2nd, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    Hilarious!! Haven’t laughed that hard in a long time ~ very daring pics! I love it ~

  • missingthesmokefreeparadise
    September 2nd, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    John – PLEASE REPLY

    Rest assured that you are not the only male who contributes to the carbon footprint of the earth by flatulating first thing in the morning. I have always been so blessed, even more so since I went on the CPAP for my sleep apnea.

    My question – is there a particular musical piece or aria that you attempt to flatulate? Me, I try for the cannon movement of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture – it seems a fitting piece, doesn’t it?

    Just being Jon

  • Anita Dunham-Potter
    September 3rd, 2009 at 12:06 am

    Hi John,
    We are going to have call you John “Heel” from now on.

    Love the telly! Just let Heidi watch Desparate Housewives in HiDef — she’ll love you for it!

    Enjoy the time off with your gorgeous ladies!

    Best,
    Anita

  • Canuck Cruiser
    September 3rd, 2009 at 7:38 am

    Hey John,

    I know how to get that shoe out of your arse…….

    Eat some jelly beans……….and nature will take it’s course…………..or go see your favourite lady in Turkey was it?

    All the best,

    B&D from Canada

  • Greg
    September 3rd, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Sir John-PLEASE REPLY

    Glad to see you are spending money on something “fun”. I appreciate the advice you recently sent me regarding my honeymoon on the Carnival Conquest in October. I have booked the Steakhouse, ordered the flowers…and will hopefully stock-up on Oysters so I don’t have to take you up on the stand-in for “rumpy-pumpy”! I am flattered from you comments you wanted to send us something. We are on the October 11th sailing. Again thank you so much for the advice and we will work hard to book a future trip on a ship that you are directing.

    Graciously,
    Greg
    (including your original reply)
    “”John Says:
    Hello Greg
    Thanks for the kind words of support mate and may I suggest that once onboard you book a romantic table for two at our Steakhouse. It is an exceptional place for dinner and at $30 a head the price is astonishing as the food is incomparable. That night you can buy roses from onboard and have them delivered to your stateroom. This can be done through the Formalities shop on Deck 5 forward. Then after dinner take your new wife for a walk under the Caribbean stars and then go back to the room for some rumpy pumpy. If you need help with that………please let me know.

    Happy Honeymoon and if you remember maybe you can remind me a couple of weeks before you sail so I can send you a little something
    Best wishes
    John”"

  • MeowsMurphy
    September 3rd, 2009 at 9:52 am

    OMG I almost got in trouble at work from laughing out loud at the pic of the shoe…toooooo funny…

    I love the idea of a past guest platinum breakfast or lunch…I sure hope you can make that happen…IMHO..much better than a cocktail party…

    Thanks for starting my day on a bright note..as you always do..

    M-E

  • tanya
    September 3rd, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Thanks John for the information about Wendy and Camp Carnival. I will most definitely do this next time we cruise. This shows me how dedicated Carnival is to their customers and I appreciate your time in listening to my concerns and offering a solution. Thank you! And thank you Linda for offering your help via email!

  • Michelle Mann
    September 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Hi John
    Please Reply if time

    Its been a while since i have blogged,but have not missed one day of your stories, keep them coming. always enjoy reading them. Kye is so beautiful, I hope you and Heidi have managed to ejoy the time at home, the story re Ikea was excellent so true.
    Can’t wait till 2011 bring on the Magic! This question is not to do with an experience on carnival but on another shipping line.
    The reason for requesting a reply is I have just retuned from a short break to Ireland on the …… of the Seas (more like packasmanypeopleon of the sea), although it is a beautiful ship but way to big and way to many people for us, the service was just sooo slow, the staff were unhappy most of the time, i think because there were just too many people.
    Can you tell me when booking a number of cabins and they are all linked (6 cabins) how comes they are all given different times in the dining room at different tables, It took over an hour to sort out and then we were squeezed onto a table (12) up against a wall with a table pushed right up the other side, the waiter could not get to six people and on the formal night, dropped a whole tray of drinks over 3 people on our table covering every item of clothing and chairs in red wine, it looked like something out of a horror movie!!
    I just dont understand how all the paperwork is linked (re having to take marriage papers/birth cert etc to show children are related) linking cabins all over docs but when it comes to dinner no link, Sorry I am ramberling, but i think you know what i mean!!
    Are Reservations on carnival linked to the dining room? would it not be a good idea to have a table plan come up when booking your cruise so you can also book your table on a first come first served basis or is that just impossible. I know this did not happen on carnival ship but just wanted to share my experience and get some advice from you when booking a large group onto a ship what is the best way to check that the dining room have the booking as linked?

    Thats its, I am off the dentist now, could be worst could be back on the packthemhigh/packthemtight of the seas
    love to all
    Michelle

  • Cruzin2some
    September 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Dear Johnny Underpants,
    I just wanted to add a big pat on the back to the whole Camp Carnival group. The fact that they are willing to go out of their way to help these special kids says alot about the whole bunch. Kudos Carnival Campers! You are the best.
    James & Nancy
    The Cruzin2some

  • Rodney
    September 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am

    my Dad had his talk with me and it was simply “Don’t have rumpy pumpy with anyone you don’t want to marry!”
    quick and to the point I would say….

  • Bill (Zydecocruiser) from ZydecoCruiser.com
    September 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Hi John,

    I wonder if Cinderella would want to try that iGlass Slipper on!

    I’m thinking if you wait until you are 64 to have an iChat with Kye, that you may be an iGrandfather.

    regards,
    bill

  • Terry Alsop
    September 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Please reply! John, are you by any chance going to be on the Carnival Spirit in February? the 23rd to be exact, or the Carnival Glory December 5, 2010? Would love to cruise with you! I’m taking groups on both of these sailings – look out!

    Terry

  • debbie browning
    September 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    Hi John.

    Please reply

    I am booked on the Carnival Dream departing 10/27/09 I am really looking forward to it. My main problem is that I cannot seem to get any information from Carnival UK about this cruise. I was told that there would be 4 to 5 formal nights, so as you do I have gone out and got the evening dresses for that however reading through you great blog there is only 2 is that correct. Also i was told that the naming ceremony is when we arrive in New York could you please confirm. Sorry to have to ask I know you are very busy but every time I phone Carnival UK I get told to phone Miami. But i live in Southampton ! I alway cruise with carnival and this will be our 14th cruise.
    With kind regards
    Debbie.

  • Fred Archer
    September 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    John;

    I’m an occassional reader of your blog and you have never failed to make me smile. My wife Mary and I are avid cruisers but have yet to experience a Carnival cruise. We’re both in our mid-50’s and have stayed away to this point because of the negative over-indulgence side of the “Fun Ship” attitude that we have heard about from friends. Please convince us that we are missing something special by not booking Carnival.

    Best regards,
    Fred & Mary

  • Princess Lori
    September 3rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Love, love, love the new TV. Thanks, once again, for a great laugh. I needed it today!

  • Jason
    September 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    John (Please reply):

    I left a comment a couple of days ago and made the first time poster’s cardinal sin of omitting “Please reply” from the salutation… So I am trying again…

    Greetings from sunny Tennessee, John… First, let me say that your blog always brings a smile to my face… I fully appreciate dry wit and sarcasm and you have those qualities in spades…

    Second, my wife (4th cruise) and I (3rd cruise) will be sailing out of Los Angeles on the Carnival Splendor 11/15/09 and will be celebrating two occasions. First will be a delayed 15 year anniversary celebration. Second, and the reason for the delayed anniversary, is the celebration of the adoption of our first child. Do you think it would be possible for you or the Captain to send my wife, Amy, a little note of congratulations? I am sure it would mean a lot to her…

    Wishing you smooth sailing,

    Jason

  • Kimala McConnell
    September 3rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    John,
    Please reply,
    I’ve been on a couple of cruises with my husband and am now planning a mother/daughter get-a-way. I know my mom will definitely want to see the galley and was more than a bit surprised when I learned that Carnival is now charging for the Galley Tour. I realize that cruising is a business. I also know that it takes more than a fully booked ship to break even on costs. What I would like to suggest is this: instead of having to worry about what’s included and what’s not, Carnival offer an ‘All Inclusive’ option (which does not apply to alcoholic beverages). This would take care of sodas, ice-creams, on-board tours and demonstrations, 2-4 hours of internet access and perhaps a limited number of coffee drinks. This would not impact the select restaurants, the casinos, or the dance clubs/bars. It might bring back a bit of the carefree feeling so many of us associated cruising with.
    Respectfully,
    Kimala

  • dwa76
    September 3rd, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Hi John!
    Great interview with Jen. She truly is a bundle of energy.
    I am looking forward to hearing more about the naming ceremony. I bet its going to be quite a special event. Its right around the corner. How exciting!
    I love my Bose clock radio. I’m trying to justify spending $300 on their headphones since I know that they are the best around.
    Hope you enjoy the new TV.
    Take care!
    David

  • BIG ED KONEFE
    September 3rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Fred Archer

    Let my take a stab at convincing you to sail CARNIVAL. I’m 63 and been on 10 CARNIVAL cruise. Yes I’ve seen people of all ages drinking and having fun on the “FUN SHIPS” but never to the point that it interfered with me having my fun on a “FUN SHIP”. There are so many fun things going on on a CARNIVAL ship that even though we may not take an active part in them we do enjoy watching the other guest having fun in them. The “FUN” in “FUN SHIPS” is enjoyable fun even if your just on the sidelines watching.

    Unless you sail during spring break your “mid-50‚Äôs” age is closer to the average age of those on most cruises. Sail on CARNIVAL and you will be back to again enjoy a CARNIVAL “FUN SHIP”.

    I can hear you now as you disembark saying “I’LL BE BACK”. We did and we have not sailed with anyone else since.

    BIG ED

  • Cruzin2some
    September 3rd, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Dear Fred Archer,
    My wife Nancy and I are also in our fifties and I can tell you that the two Carnival Cruises that we have been on have been absolutely great. The party attitude that you talked about is something that while we were on board never saw much of. There are a couple of people that may fit that profile but the majority are more like yourself. Looking for fun and entertainment and extrordinary service. Carnival has all of this as well as the best food at sea. If you are not sure about Carnival then I will give you this challenge. Go on one, just one cruise on the fun ships and you won’t go back any other cruise line. The cabins are bigger, the food is better and the value you get for the money allows you to travel to these special places and have more money to spend there. I do not work for Carnival but many people tell me that I should be in their sales department. I tell it like I see it. We have been on the Carnival Spirit and the Carnival Freedom for the first Bloggers cruise. Both ships are jaw dropping. The entertainment on both ships were something that we both still talk about. Especially “Ticket to Ride” on the Carnival Freedom. It was a Beatles tribute. Very well done!!! We have seen dancers and jugglers, comedians and even a hypnotist. My wife and I almost came apart at the seams we were laughing so hard. If you ever get the chance to cruise with John please be warned, he is so funny that people have lost control of their bodily functions. Bottom line is that Carnival is the number one cruiseline for a very good reason. They are the best!
    Sincerely,
    James and Nancy
    The Cruzin2some

  • Judy Sharum
    September 3rd, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    HEY JOHN!!!! Just heard on the news about the guy jumping off the Sensation!! Is that the NEW EXPRESS system they just started for early flights?? Jump to get off!!???? LOL LOL
    Kind of WONDER where the lifeboats were if the Disney Wonder saved him!

  • John O
    September 3rd, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Dear John – PLEASE REPLY
    Just off of the wonderful Carnival Glory and I wanted to drop you a line to tell you how it went and to sing you and Carnival’s praises. Some of your readers may think this is a paid endorsement for Carnival…it isn’t. Carnival is just that good.
    Where do I begin? Our party consisted of my wife Robin, my daughter Lauren, her friend Hanna, our friend Carmen and her daughter Jessica. Oh, they let me go as well.
    Embarkation was smooth and we were on the ship in record time. I went straight to the Guest Services desk to drop of my gifts to the various staff members. I was just happy to not have to carry them anymore! I had each gift in a separate gift bag and my wife had labeled them as to who they were supposed to go to, chocolates for the Guest Services Staff, Peanuts for Hotel Director, Wine for the Captain and Staff Captain. With that task completed it was time to partake of a Funship Special. I think I have a picture of me having one of those on every cruise we have been on – tradition is important you know. I even have one of the original Carnival drink glasses…you know…one made from real glass!
    I stopped by our cabin before meeting up again with my family and met Humberto (Bert to his friends), our cabin steward. He was very nice and we chatted for a bit. It turns out that he has been with Carnival for 21 years. That says a lot for Carnival and how they treat their employees when you see someone in the service industry work for one company that long. I was happy to see that the decorations I had ordered for my wife’s birthday were up already. Very festive! My mother had ordered the Coronas and Carnival Cooler gift pack for my wife so I asked Bert if he would fill the cooler with ice to chill the beer. Another unexpected surprise was a bottle of champagne and a fruit basket in each cabin. The labels said they were from the Hotel Director but I have a feeling that you had a hand in that…thanks John!
    I met up with Robin and Carmen and we grabbed a burger on the Lido deck and had another Funship Special. I had not mentioned to Robin that I had stopped by the room as I didn’t want her to go there until everything was set for the big surprise. I slipped away again and checked on the room to see if Bert had the beer on ice and to see if our luggage had arrived. Not only was the beer on ice, it was on ice in a big cooler that Bert brought to the room. You know, the kind of cooler that you can’t bring on board the ship. He had also iced down some Mountain Dews I brought, the champagne you gave us and the wine we brought for dinner. Bert was the MAN! For the rest of the cruise that cooler always had ice in it.
    After finding my wife and daughter again I took them to the room and showed her the surprises. She was blown away and loved everything!
    That night we went to the Golden Restaurant for dinner. As we sat down, the Maitre’ D came by and said “you must be the Oglesby’s, you guys are famous”. To this day I’m still not sure what he meant by that but I can definitely say we were treated like VIP’s the entire cruise. Our server was Rosanna and her assistant was Victorino. Rosanna was the first time we have ever had a lady as Head Waiter/Waitress on a cruise and she was top notch to say the least. Absolutely the best service we have ever experienced. She was adorable with a funny, vivacious personality. She became part of the family and we would have packed her in our luggage and took her home if we hadn’t bought so many souvenirs.
    I want to take a moment and talk about the food and about meeting the Head Chef. The food on the Carnival Glory was OUTSTANDING! Not good. Not great. It was OUTSTANDING. The only competition the Main Dining room has is the Emerald Room Steakhouse and I swear the Main Dining Room can hold its own. Absolutely the best food we have experienced in recent memory. We never had a dish we didn’t love. Did I mention the food was OUTSTANDING? One night Chef D’Souza came to the table and introduced himself and said that John Heald asked that he be look out for us. He asked what we types of food we liked and proceeded to prepare a pasta dish that we are all still dreaming about to this day. It had shrimp, mussels and scallops in a light tomato sauce. Unbelievable! All of the tables around us were eying the plates with envy. Speaking of the Emerald Room, we had dinner there one night and it was superb. For those who have eaten there in the past I only have two words for you…Lobster Bisque. Did you smile?
    The night of the Captain’s Gala dinner I stood in line and introduced myself to Captain Nogara. He was very appreciative of the wine and we talked at length. He is a very patient man as we kept getting interrupted by people demanding that they get his picture now, no matter what he was doing. It certainly seems as if wine was the international language! He said his wife was from California (I thought you were kidding about that) and that she was trying to turn him on to California wines. He was thrilled to see a Barberra wine as that is a traditional Italian wine. He told me a funny story about you. He mentioned something about the passengers congratulating him on being promoted from Gondolier to ship’s captain. Too funny! Later in the cruise Captain Nogara sent us a wonderful Italian Chianti to try. The Staff Captain sent a fabulous Pinot Grigio and the Hotel Director sent a bottle of our choice. Please express my appreciation to all for their hospitality. I wrote each officer a note before I left the ship, but they can’t here it enough from me….they are top notch.
    Speaking of the Hotel Director, I met Anuj at the Captain’s Party. He is a very nice gentleman and seemed to really appreciate the peanuts. Seems my fears were for naught as both the Hotel Director and his girlfriend who helped him eat them survived. Thanks for your help there John.
    Finally I would like to that James Charlton, or as my daughter has decided to rename him – Lord Charlton. One of the best Cruise Directors out there (present company excluded). We met him for the first time at the Captain’s Gala and he never forgot our names. Since he is the Energizer Bunny, we saw him 24/7 and everywhere but our bathroom. He is a very personable young man who will be handed the big chair soon. Oh, big props to his amazing Glory Ninja’s, you know who you are!
    Did I mention the food was fantastic?
    It was a fabulous vacation and I really felt the warmth from the entire crew. When you travel on a Carnival ship it really does feel like traveling with family, only better since we are not sharing a bathroom.
    I can’t thank you enough John. Whatever you said to the staff must have been a doozy since I can’t imagine being treated any better. THANKS!

  • Bill Russell
    September 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    John, Please Reply (but on this topic I know you will not.)

    So sorry to say we cancelled our Dec. 3 cruise on the Dream. Part timing, part financial, and mostly fear of the Swine Flu. We had to do it by Sept 19 to get our deposit back. Would have waited longer but $850 is a lot of money today. Hope to cruise next year, but, it will not be the same cruise. I wish Carnival would do that same trip again and often.

    Hope to see you again.

    Bill and Joan Russell

  • LadyJag
    September 3rd, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Dear John,
    Thanks for the iLaugh! You crack me up. I love the pictures!

    Laura

  • rusli zainal sang visioner
    September 4th, 2009 at 5:24 am

    funny story, keep share ya…

  • cindy56
    September 4th, 2009 at 10:12 am

    Hi Fred!

    I whole heartedly agree with Big Ed & cruiz2some. I have been on 5 Carnival cruises and although I have been tempted to try another one (maybe Princess which is part of the carnival line) my motto is, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. Hope this helps! Oh, by the way, I’m also in my 50’s.

    Cindy :)

  • Joko Joan
    September 5th, 2009 at 12:03 am

    Dear John: (Please reply ASAP):

    Finally – in 7 more days our group of 50 will be boarding Carnival’s Glory. This has been a tough year having had to cancel our 50-day South American trip on Carnival’s Splendor back in January. There are a few things I need to ask you:

    (1) As the Group Leader, where does the Maitre’ de usually hold court to verify seating arrangements? I don’t know as if I can deal with my fellow cruisers as well as you do and hope things go smoothly.

    I don’t feel that checking on seating arrangements is the job of a Sr. Cruise Director and I would never dream of asking you to do the Maitre’ de’s (sp.)job, and since this is my first time as GL, I would like to see that everything goes well for them and for me, if they are happy then my hubby & I will be happy and then can enjoy our vacation also.

    We will be celebrating 50 years of wedded bliss on this cruise and my dear husband, who had been a NY Firefighter for 22 years, had always treated me so outstandingly throughout the years. He has given me 5 wonderful children and has helped me care for 35 foster babies, that I want this year’s cruise to be as stress-free as possible. He even has us booked also on Thanksgiving AND Christmas cruises, bringing us up, incidentally to having sailed on 50 cruises by the end of December. (What a guy!) He’s always made sure that I had a wonderful cruise and he has given me more than I can ever repay, and I want very much to show him how much he is loved and appreciated. (If you have any suggestions of how I might accomplish this – it would be greatly appreciated.

    (2) Also, I think I’m supposed to get in touch with the Group Tour Representative so as to make sure that we can arrange to get the same colored debarking tags so that we can all leave the ship around the same time to catch our bus back home. Could you direct me as to how to get in touch with him/her?

    We have a balcony cabin right under the Lido deck. I have visions of gaining 20 extra lbs. just by sitting on the balcony and smelling all the delicious smells wafting from upstairs. I’m always fearful that someday we will board as passengers and leave as cargo!!!

    Thank you for all you help and I send you, Heidi and precious Kye all our thanks for what you do for all of us. You have made us into a wonderful Carnival family.

  • robert
    September 7th, 2009 at 4:59 am

    Nice TV John!

    Bobbyfk

  • Steve Roehrer
    September 10th, 2009 at 10:36 am

    John, Just a quick note on the wonderful time we had aboard your Carnival Pride sailing out of Baltimore to the Bahamas. This was our first family cruise, Wife Sandi and my three boys ages 10,14 &16. I cant wait to book the next one. Hats off to your ships crew, Especially Matt, he was a blast.

    Regards,

    Steve R.

  • Fruit Basket Review Guy
    September 15th, 2009 at 10:43 am

    That’s the great thing about fruit baskets is that they are never expected but always appreciated.

  • Bill Bartmann
    September 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am

    I’m so glad I found this site…Keep up the good work I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say GREAT blog. Thanks,

    A definite great read…:)

    -Bill-Bartmann

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