If you could see my right index finger you would notice that it has a large plaster on it. If you had been within 200 feet of my cabin yesterday you would have heard me scream “bugger” and “bollocks” over and over again.

My pain and my anguish and the resulting first aid was not due to some DIY work I did around the cabin, I did not trap my finger in the door and I wasn’t bitten by a vampire ………….nope………I was undoing a DVD…….yep………..and fittingly it was Dexter ……. season three………a show about murder and disembowelment that caused me to run around my cabin…………..in my underpants…………….screaming “aahhhhhh bugger, bollocks, bugger, bollocks ahhhhhh aahhhhhh bugger, bollocks, bugger, bollocks ahhhhhh. hotfa doma ahhhhhh”…………notice the Dutch profanity there as well.
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Woke up this morning to a major bollocking from someone with a beard at Carnival. You see yesterday I posted the Carnival Miracle‘s new and tremendously exciting return to Aruba. This information had been sent to be our super spy PA 007 who had overheard two senior executives talking about this in the bathroom. He or she was in a cubicle depositing his or her cheeseburger that they had eaten for lunch and while sitting there reading the Miami Herald he or she heard these two chatting about the new itinerary.

And so PA 007 immediately e-mailed me and I of course published the news on my blog thingy.

And this morning a man with a big title and a big beard, reached down the phone and inserted his expensive Italian loafer right up my arse.
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If there is one port that sits atop the ” why doesn’t a Carnival ship go there ” it is of course………..Detroit…………in second place is my home town of Southend On Sea and in third place……………it is of course Aruba. And while the motor city and the chance for me to go home for lunch and a poo on my own toilet remain a dream……Aruba……….is back.

We will substitute the 8 day Exotic Western Caribbean itinerary (visiting Colon, Panama; Limon, Costa Rica & Belize) with a new 4-port Exotic Southern Caribbean itinerary for departures from October 18, 2010 through March 27, 2011. The itinerary will visit Grand Turk, La Romana / Casa de Campo, Aruba & Curacao. We would rotate this new itinerary with the current 3-port 8 Day Exotic Southern Caribbean.
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Plans are underway for my pre Carnival Dream trip to New York in early November and while what I will be doing is for now, a secret, I do know that I will be traveling around the city a lot. And since I would rather wake up snuggled in Judge Judy’s bosom than drive in New York………it means I will be taking cabs…….lots of cabs.

The last time I was in New York was in 2001 and Heidi and I had our taxi…… ‘stolen’. We had been patiently waiting on the corner outside Slags of 5th Avenue, when a lady with huge sunglasses on jumped out of nowhere and intercepted the approaching cab. I, being British politely announced it was our taxi. “Oh, it’s YOUR taxi…….get the f**k out a heeeeeeeeere?” the woman with the welding glasses on sneered……. before jumping in.
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It’s hard this cruise not to let the Goth group dominate my thoughts and therefore the blog. However, their sheer presence means that they have been turning the heads of both guests and crew and I feel I have no choice but to start today’s thingy by burring my teeth into this subject one more time.

I want to start my saying that I met many of the “Gothies” tonight at the Captain’s celebration and most were……………. despite the outrageousness of their attire …………. extremely lovely people despite being stared at every single minute of the day by their fellow guests……………. many non-street wise guests looked on as if it were a freak show.
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I hadn’t been ashore for 14 days and so yesterday in Tampa I had 40 minutes for lunch in between meetings and immigration.

I decided rather than sit in a corner of my cabin, in my underpants, dribbling on myself …..I had better get off the ship. The last time I was in Tampa with the Carnival Legend there was bugger all to do close to the port. That has of course all changed with shops and restaurants within waddling distance………..and so I forced myself to get off the ship and go for lunch…….on my own…….because I have no friends….because I am Billy No Mates.
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When I was a wee lad and anyone asked me “John, what do you want to be when you grow up?”……I would always say a policeman. My father found the ambition to be not of a high enough standing and kept on at me to upgrade to brain surgeon……or chairman of a leading cruise line.

As I got older I wanted to be a vet, a spy, a pilot, a novelist and a porn star. As I reached the age of 18 it was obvious to everyone that I had neither the brains nor the equipment to be any of those. And so I flirted with Customs and Excise. Had a brief affair with Lloyds of London until I buggered off and HOORAH………unless you’re my father, whose still dreams of me holding a scalpel — a Cruise Director. My sister wanted to be a horse riding thingy and a fashion designer. She could have done either but ended up being a banker ……..a highly sort after head hunted banker with a beautiful family.
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As I sit here in my underpants staring at Mr. Dell trying to think about what to write about the words of a man with a beard are sloshing around my mind. The bearded one was on CNN International yesterday explaining to the interviewer that the world’s super busy are so often the dullest people because they don’t think, they only “do.”

I can’t remember the figures he was spouting off but he was from some university who apparently had timed pedestrians walking in cities across the world. He and his fellow beards concluded that the speed of life is much faster (can’t remember how much he said)……….. Than in the early 1990s. I do remember that he said people today were to busy for friends……………… preferring virtual Facebook friendship………. to the real thing.
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As I waddled to the computer in my underpants this morning there was a spring in my step. The sun was shining, we had arrived in Cozumel and the Enchantment of the Seas had buggered off to a pier far……..far away.

As I sat down I was as happy as someone who had woken up next to Megan Fox’s bottom and discovered they had won the lottery the night before. Then I turned on my computer and my mood changed and suddenly I was as happy as someone who had woken up next to Judge Judy’s bottom and discovered that they were………….French. Let me explain.
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To: Hotel Director, Gunasekaran Chellam – Carnival Legend
From: Sandra Lockhart, Account Manager, Large Groups & Incentive Sales
Subject: Site Inspection – Sailing

The following travel agents from ******************* are sailing on the Carnival Legend on October 11th with a group of 215 from the Goth community. Four bands are schedule to entertain the group and many other extensive activities have been planned for the cruise.

I remember my first ever Goth experience. I was walking through London with my mate Alan about 15 years ago. It was late and back then I used to have a drink or two and I seem to remember Alan and I were both somewhat tipsy. Floating gloomily towards us were a couple — he in full-length leather coat and chalk-white make-up, she resplendent in dyed black hair, purple velvet bodice, net skirt and thigh-high boots. Alan made some comment about them and I remember making the sign of a cross with fingers.
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