So here I am, sitting on a British Airways plane heading back to work which my regular readers will know ………..means it is time for another flying story written on my raspberry However, this one isn’t so much about the experience in the air…………..but rather……….on the ground. I think I may have said this once or twice before………..but just in case I forgot………let me tell you that I hate flying.
Flying and I go together like Tiger Woods and erectile dysfunction. Actually though, its not the flight itself I want to talk about despite the fact that the lady next to me has been blessed with breasts the size of the Alps and is making sure me and the rest of the plane know that she has. Nope……….it’s the pre flight experience I want to talk about especially as I am on a spying mission in preparation for Heidi and Kye to join me next month. Of course security was tighter than a Scotsman’s arse before the exploding underpants bomber came onto the scene. Abdul The Bastard has insured we’re all going to spend longer at airports. I had two full pat down checks today and we were called to the gate 90 minutes before the departure time where upon everyone received a full pat down by my new friend whose name tag told me his name was “ Christian” had a good feel and a look down my trousers………which was very Christian of him wasn’t it? Still, mustn’t complain better to be safe than blown to bits by a pair of Fruit of the Looms. However, the ridiculous thing is that now of course we all have to spend more time at the airport because you have to allow so much extra time to get through security. This is brilliant news if you like looking round Sunglasses Hut …….for everyone else, especially those with children, it is a bugger of a place to be. Is it me or in days gone by didn’t airports had childrens facilities. They weren’t much………. a couple of play areas, a climbing frame, a spot where your offspring could run around a bit before boarding and for Heidi’s sake and the rest of the plane ……….falling asleep. I was tasked by Heidi to look for these today………somewhere where Heidi and Kye could relax before being stuck in the metal tube for 9 hours………at Gatwick Airport, London………….and I asked the staff………..there is bugger all. Carnival has areas at our new terminal in Miami that are as kid friendly as Barney the sodding Dinosaur ……….. Gatwick has sod all. I noticed this especially today because my flight was delayed for an hour and 45 minutes. I have no idea why………maybe one of the passengers had farted and was arrested for having underpants that could be associated with terrorism. Maybe a man with a beard had found a dead bird on the runway and it had to removed in a dignified which meant shutting the runway down, dressing the dead fowl in a high visibility jacket before removing it. But what do you do while you are waiting to go to the gate and why is the seating at airports is about as comfortable as sitting on a cheese grater. Gatwick Airport has 317,250 sq ft of retail space……………I know because I measured it while waiting for my flight. And I converted it into basketball courts, just for perspective. It’s almost 47! That’s 47 basketball courts full of shops that sell Prada and Versace and a mini Harrods where you can buy real English products …….. made in China. And there are three…….Starbucks. And by way of family facilities? Nothing, nada, zilch das bugger nichcts.
I think the owners of the airports should think more about families rather than concentrate on having a salesperson attack you clutching a bottle of Baileys the second you get through security. I know in America it’s a bit different. I remember in Boston, they have a whole “kidport,” with planes and luggage shoots to play on. This makes sense for everyone. If we could convert just one of those shop-based basketball courts into a cinema, a soft-play zone, a reading area, a families-only cafe and maybe a soundproof tantrum box, it would remove all the kids from the rest of the airport. All you lucky child-free travelers would be free to eat sushi and drink your crapafrapacinos in peace. And Heidi would arrive at the gate de-stressed and happy. It could mean an end to the in-flight toddler tantrum…………..or of course……..that could be total bollocks.
Saying goodbye to Heidi and Kye was an experience that words can never describe……….Kye is eight months old yet it was as though she knew………..she knew that her Daddy was leaving …….. and…………….and………..I can’t write anymore about this………….sorry.
One last thing……..why the hell do they have luggage shops at airports? Have you ever seen a man wandering round in an airport terminal with an armful of clothes shouting. “Hurray – a suitcase?”
Time to go as we are preparing for take off so quickly let me say thanks for all the wonderful birthday wishes and see you onboard your Carnival Dream.
Goodnight
Your friend
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
John (or one of the Stephanie’s
) Please reply:
John,
, answering questions. We are sailing on the Carnival Dream with you on Feb 13th and I had written to you a couple of months ago regarding the possiblity of my 7yr old daughter getting to meet one of the dancers and possibly getting a little backstage tour of what goes on for the dancers. My daughter loves to dance and loves to perform (she is what we call a “drama queen”) but we love her dearly. Can you help me set something up? If someone wants to contact me directly you can otherwise I will look for a reply on the blog in the next couple of weeks, or look you up when we get on ship. thanks so much for all the information, and humour (spelled correctly) you provide in our day.
I hope you get this before we sail and can respond but I know you are, how does that go, bugger all behind
Melissa
Dear John,
On Monday I booked a cruise on the Carnival Dream sailing February 6th, so I am really looking forward to the opportunity to meet you at last.
My travel agent booked air and the cruise through Carnival so it includes a forced overnight stay in Orlando, and transfers from the hotel to the ship. My only worry is that I have only been given a 1 hr and 20 minute window to change planes in Toronto, and with the unpredictable weather in Calgary I am praying for good weather, and a tail wind on that day (5th) to give me enough time to catch the second plane.
The extra security you talked about is also a worry, and I dread having to spend the night in Toronto airport hoping for another flight to Orlando to get me there on time, when I should be relaxing in the Orlando Marriot. Thank goodness I have insurance to cover this sort of thing, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
See you soon….Irene (Hooked on cruising)
Oh, John, my eyes just filled with tears knowing the sadness you must be feeling. I’m sure it was very difficult to say goodbye to your lovely Heidi and precious Kye. Please know and always remember how much they love you. It won’t be long and they will be in your arms once again….onboard your Carnival Dream. How exciting for all of you.
Happy birthday, my friend. Have a safe, relaxing, and uneventful flight.
Peace and best wishes always,
Rich & Sally (Dagon) Head
Dear John,
Welcome back! Now you get to write about the Miami Airport TSI staff when you get stateside. The reason they sell suitcases is so when they tell you that you can’t take that bottle of Bailey’s on the ship but you can buy a suitcase and have it checked through with your other luggage. This happened to me in Miami.
The Cruzin2some
James & Nancy Enslow
God bless you, Heidi and Kye, my friend. Your job brings amazing amounts of joy to thousands upon thousands of folks each year and your sacrifice is our gain.
Airports suck… as a pilot I’m entitled to say that. I can also say that unless I’m the one in the cockpit I hate flying as well.
Looking forward to hearing from you on board our Carnival Dream!!!
Ciao!
Host Mach
John please reply (or a Stephanie
) Haven’t seen anywhere on the spa selection the thalassotherapy pool. I usually book my spa appts. after I get on board but would like to pre-book my thalassothereapy pool for the week. Thanks so much, and a very happy birthday John!!! Isn’t it wonderful to be 29 again?, eh?
John, I am so sorry you had to leave heidi and kye at least they will be joining you this time. I am so glad that we do not have to fly for our next cruise. It has gotten ridculious. I’d much rather drive now to a port then fly. Hope your flight went we’ll and we will see you next week. Orlando Int’l is just as bad when it comes to kids areas. They don’t exist
Big Fans as Allways,
Frank and Bridie
happy birthday dude, so sorry you are having to spend it this way. that truly sucks. see you tomorrow…
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
I never laughed so loud when I read the part of your blog about luggage being sold at the airport, but picture this, you pick up your luggage after a flight, and it is ripped to pieces, what do you do with your clothes? You buy new luggage at the airport, and put in a damage claim with the airlines for the torn up luggage you had your clothes in, in the first place. Make sense? Linda
P.S. See ya next Sat. 1/30-I see Bridie & Frank can’t wait to see you either!
Happy Birthday John..Sorry to hear that you had to leave today. I know how hard that must have been for you and especially your family.
Hopefully Kye and your bride will have a good flight
I agree with Hostmach 150% Your job does bring much joy to the hundreds of thousands of folks that get to meet you and hundred of thousands folks who read your “BLOG THINGY”, as u so fondly call it, daily. I just red the latest edition of Porthole and you Blog was rated the best, and I agree
My Wife and I hope that you have a safe journey on your way back to the States.
Looking forward to seeing you again.
Mike and Judy
John, I am so sorry you are so sad because when you are said, we are sad…But remember all the smiles and keep singing to Kye every night and seeing her picture and reading/hearing Heidi tell you all about what Kye is doing and that will get you through the next few months.
Also remember one very important thing, you are doing this for Heidi & Kye and they will forever love you for being a great Hubby and Daddy…
Welcome back to our side of the ‘pond,’ John. Just keep thinking about that sweet baby’s smile and remember you will be seeing her again soon! (I know, not nearly soon enough!)
Can’t wait to meet you on our Carnival Dream on 2/20!
Congratulations John on another milestone (birthday) whatever you want to call it. They come up quicker with each passing year.
The TV news says you flew from Briton today just as they turned the threat level to maximum. Boy you don’t miss a trick do you. Your record is still in tact and you only got frisked three times. Guess you (or they) are lucky they did not demand a public strip search.
Enjoy your Dream time, tell Todd we said hello and to enjoy his time with his girl friend. John you have fun while he is off playing. I know you will quickly look forward to the date Heidi and Kye will join you.
Our friends Inez and Dean Inveron, from Tennessee, are also sailing this week on the Dream. Sorry don’t know the cabin etc. They and their two gorgeous and smart grandaughters (16 and 13) were with us on a cruise last year with you on the Splendor. You might remember them.
If you can, please look them up and say hello.
Thanks
Dave Myerly
John,
I am so sorry you had to leave your girls and fly on your birthday. I hope the flight went well after the delay and was uneventful.
We look forward to meeting you on board the Carnival Dream in five short weeks. Must be time to start packing. Looking forward to hopefully getting to meet Heidi and Kye also.
Best of wishes for your birthday with many, many more.
Bobbi
John,
The reason for the luggage store at the airport is because once you retrieve your luggage after a flight your luggage is so beat up you need new bags. They actually should place the luggage store next to the turn style.
Jim Maloney
Hope your flight was uneventful. Happy Birthday. Looking forward to hearing stories from the Carnival Dream. It’s a fantastic ship and we enjoyed our cruise on it over New Year’s Eve!
Heidi and Kye will be with you soon so hang in there. Jeri and Larry
I hope you had a very good Birthday. But did you really have to leave on your Birthday?
I’m glad that your family will soon be with you!
elizabeth
Hi John,
I’m sorry I missed your birthday and I hope it was a wonderful day for you. I can understand how you must be feeling leaving Heidi and Kye.
I know when I leave after seeing my granddaughter, I cry because I know how much I will miss her and it’s even harder when you leave a wife and child.
Fortunately, Heidi and Kye will be able to join you soon. I know Kye might be too big, but when I flew to England a few times, there were beds of sorts for babies in the first row, at the bulkhead, of the coach section. It gave the mother a bit of respite to be able to put the baby in there to go to sleep while flying. I only saw small babies in them and I don’t even know if these carriers still exist.
I know how difficult it is to be at an airport and keep a baby or child entertained when there are no facilities to do so. Even at Orlando airport, I haven’t seen anything. I would think the airlines would want to keep children amused before flights, but I guess not.
Take care, and Happy Birthday.
Frank & Gerri
HOHN – HELP! HELP!HELP! HELP!
or many a Stephanie can help!!!
We booked a cruise on the Spirit for February 7th. We mentioned this at church and people thought it looked good, and now there are 6 couples going. It will be fun, but our greatest joy would be sitting down at dinner and sharing our day. However, we are not all seated together. We are early diners and the original grouup of Friedmann and Konecny are probably together, but I don’t know about anyone else.
Is there some way that you could forward this to the maitre d and see if there is some way we could either sit together, or sit in two adjacent 6 person table.where we could rotate seats. It will make a good trip into a great one!
Anything you can do will be greatly appreciated. We are looking soooo forward to getting out of this snow and freezing weather. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!! Thank you!!!
Hi John,
It is so hard saying goodbye. Through your travels you are providing a wonderful life for Heidi and Kye.
As far as airports go, when we were flying with very young children, it was easier. However, we still chose to spend the extra money to become airline club members, so we had access to the lounges before boarding the flights. While the lounges are geared for adults, we found that they had more space for the kids to toddle or rest. The snacks were useful as well. We have always been rather frugal and we still found this to be a good option. Granted, we have not had a need for this service in several years and I have no idea of the cost today.
Just a thought…
Happy Birthday.
John,
So sorry you had to leave your girls. I know it must have been horrible.
About those suitcases in airports…I think it’s because they want you to have something in which to pack all the other new stuff they expect you to buy in the airport shops while you spend interminable hours waiting for your flight!
Keep smiling…you’ll be with your girls again before you know it!
Your pal, Myra
John,Welcome back to the land of rudeness!I just sailed on your beautiful Dream 1/9 thru 1/16 and that is exactly what it was A Dream cruise. No problem with crouds on the Lido Deck,No septic odor,no rude staff,everything was special.Even the crew was hand picked as the best of the best.
CD Todd looked appropiate in a polo shirt by day,and of course a smart suit in the evening.I would bet he was trained by you ,there are lots of similarities.I was on the first bloggers cruise and have your journey since.I feel like we are mates.
Good luck to Heidi and Key with the plane ride,I’m suer all will go well Have fun on your Dream.
Best Wishes,
Butch
John,
I know how you feel. I had to watch my daughter and two grandsons get on a plane. They were moving from Alabama to Wyoming. Just about broke my heart. I will get to see them in June. We are driving out ( My husband wants to see that part of the country. We will be on sailing out of Mobile with my husband brother and his wife in Sept.
Glenda
Hi John,please reply
Just wanted to say Happy Birthday. I will be going on the Dream Febuary 20th. I will be back with my group of Yaaa Baby friends and family.We were on the Valor last March and enjoyed every minute of it. I sang Neil Diamond’s Sweet Carloline in the talent show(thanks for video by the way).My mother-in-law Becky and her FRIEND Ken will be back also. We will see you then!!!
Oh man, John. I’m happy you are returning to the sea but I know leaving your girls behind was torture. You’ll get back into the swing of things. Give it a few days. Just think of us blog thingy junkies as your makeshift family until they arrive to be with you on board. Take care sir.
Loyal reader,
Michael
Dear John: Happy birthday. I’m sorry you had to leave Heidi and Kye but they will be joining you very soon. Best regards, Leslie
Dear John: Please reply. John, I’m trying to complete my Carnival Cruise Lines Ship Pins collection and I need the following pins. I called Carnival’s customer service number and I was told that they won’t give me these three pins because I haven’t been on these ships. Can you help me get them. I need the Ecstasy, Miracle, and Victory pins. I don’t know if they ever made ship pins for the original Carnivale, Mardi Gras or Festivale (I was on the Festivale), and I was on the Tropicale (need that pin also). Please let me know what if anything you can do to help me get these seven pins or at least the three current ship pins. Thanks. Hope you had a happy birthday. Regards, Leslie
Happy Birthday John!
Much easier to write about some things than others, isn’t it, my friend? <>
Sad of course to leave the girls. So I will comment on the good news, that you are looking forward to them back with you soon! Hope we get to see you soon, too!
Kap
PLS REPLY
John I know you recently were the CD on the carnival Legend so maybe you can help us?
In Belize, the Private (Bannister)island beach break has been eliminated. This leaves quite a gaping hole in the shore ex’s for us beach people.
Are there plans to re-instate or get a new tour?
We will be on the 4/25/10 sailing.
Best Regards!
Hi John!
Glad you were able to get to the states safely and your family will be with you before you know it.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday celebration.
Take care and thanks for posting!
David
John,
Happy Belated Birthday! Hope you enjoyed it. Keep up the greatest blog.
Cheers!,
Peter
Reply if you wish, no worries if you don’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, it is hard to say goodbye for a few months, but you will get back, always remember that you can call and webcam back and forth.
GLORY cruise update–excellent cruise. I truly, truly think Half Moon Cay should be used more by Carnival whenever possible. Ships could drop Cozumel and go to HMC and that would be great!!!!!
I have to slap your hand gently John, you said that Alex would be on the Glory…he is not on the Glory…trust me, I looked, and he certainly was not in either dining room as a miatre’d….it is OK, we all make blunders and you are always willing to help….I plan on booking the Liberty for my birthday this year with the hopes he is on the Liberty, which is likely where he still is a maitre’d. I must commend Paul on the Glory though, he was great and he can sing very well!!!!!!!
Airport woes–UGH, the flight to Miami and home was NOT pleasant by any means. Airports bring out the worst in me. Not only did it take 2.5 hours to check in, preclear US customs, and go through security, oh no, both planes to Denver and Miami made me feel like a cowgirl in a rodeo riding! The flights were like a bucking bronco! Can you spell TURBULENCE……alas, of the six hours I am sure four of them were very rocky…Coming home was another nightmare–this time with long airport waits, two airplanes that thought they were bucking broncos, and one VERY long flight from Montreal to home……
I am home now, but it is cold and snowing…..I need me another “kiss on the lips” but there is no bar waiter here to take my order…….
Cheer up John, it won’t be long before you can be a proud papa and show off Kye to everyone when they join you on the ship…..
PS: I did the behind the fun tour and it is amazing….I did forget to ask Tara when crew family is onboard do they have guest priveledges to be with the guests above as well or are they limited to what areas they can access and use when onboard. I was amazed and fascinated and Capt Cutugno was my first repeat captain and I have to admit, a very happy, chatty and friendly man!! I could tell the chief engineer on the Glory is passionate about what he does when he was explaining everything. I didn’t catch all the technical info, but he loves what he does!
Toodles!
Hey mate,
You and i both know what it really means to have to spend long months away from the best part of our lives.
I worked out of country alot.
This song helped me make it through the really tough times .
Hope that the powers that be let it through or at least get it to you .
The video is great , But close your eyes and listen to the words.
Your mate across the pond, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jm5gfuT9Z4CC
If the link doesn’t go thru just google i,m all ready there. by lonestar
CC