Yesterday Iceland farted on the UK.

And as ash spewed from the Eyjafjallajökull volcano. This caused the men and women with beards to put on their high visibility jackets and shut down the skies. Al Gore blamed global warming. The Mayan Indians said it was the end of the world and the tofu-eating greens want to tax the volcano because it produces more carbon dioxide than my Range Rover.
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I am getting very excited about the Carnival Magic and my return to Europe and in the weeks and months ahead I will be talking about the glorious wonders of the ports of call that make these destinations some of the most incomparable in the world.
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I have said a few times before here on my blog thingy that there are many differences between us Brits and you Yanks and Canucks. Apart from the obvious as in you don’t drive on the wrong side of the road and don’t eat Spotted Dick there is another big difference as well…… hitting what I like to call an “Ooops” moment.
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For the last few days I have been trying to explain to people with beards at my local council office in Essex that I do exist and that I have not ceased to be. You see, I am trying to get my absentee vote organized as soon as possible because we have a general election on May 8 and I want my vote to count. Yet, for some reason I have been removed from the election roll and have at the time of me writing today’s blog……no more right to vote than Judge Judy has the right to wear a G String. And I really want to vote.
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I realize that the vast majority of people reading this blog thingy will not have ever had suffered the total misery of flying Ryanair. Most will never have even heard of this airline so I start today’s blog with an apology for talking about something most of you will never experience and that fact alone should have you all jumping up from your computers, ripping off all your clothes, standing on one leg and singing “Happy Days Are Here Again.” I would rather have the words “I Love the French” tattooed on my thingy then fly with Ryanair……OK, it would actually be a tattoo that says “I Lov”…………..but that’s another story.
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The next person who tells me they have bought an Eye (i) Pad thingy may find it inserted so far up their bottom that the on/off switch will only be accessible via their belly button.

One of the backstage techs has one. Everyone with a beard in the office has one, I bet my mate the Duke of University has one and so do, according to the news this Monday morning, 980,000 other people…………………and the sodding thing has only been on sale for a week or so.
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While I grew up on a diet of Deep Purple, Saxon, Jethro Tull, Black Sabbath and Def Leppard I did occasionally delve into the realms of punk rock. Now saying that, I didn’t have a hairstyle that suggested I had rumpy pumpy with a cockatoo and neither did I have a safety pin through my nose or my thingy. But I did like to listen now and then……..to the Sex Pistols. Maybe it was the rebel in me that when I told my parents I was going upstairs to study the works of Shakespeare for my school homework I was in fact going upstairs to listen to the Pistols’ Never Mind The Bollocks album on my 8-track stereo into which was plugged a pair of headphones the size of Pamela Andersen’s breasts.
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I have fallen in love with the people who cruise here on the Carnival Conquest. I love their laid back, easygoing attitude and the way they laugh at everything I say…….even if it is about as funny as a case of herpes. And I have met some hilarious characters these past two weeks including one a chap called “Eustice.” Now, I am not sure if I am spelling that correctly but that was his name and let me tell you how I met him.
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From: CONQUEST SPA MANAGER
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 8:20 AM
To: CONQUEST CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Massage

Good morning John

I want to thank you for your help promoting our hot stones massage yesterday. Your refreshing style helped lots of people discover this excellent treatment and they all left feeling fantastic. I would like to offer you a complimentary massage to say thank you so please give me a call when you would like to have it so you can experience this for yourself.
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It’s amazing how different people take different situations ummmm………differently. OK, that wasn’t my best piece of writing but hopefully you have gotten the point. Let me give you an example as to what I mean. Take the whole Tiger Woods thing. Some have been offended and some unmoved, but most people, since his last name is Woods and he spends his working life surrounded by balls, holes, clubs and birdies….. have read the news reports and laughed out loud.
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