Despite getting a relatively good appraisal for my medical I still received a major bollocking from Doctor Ramitin telling me he would be forced to shove an entire home entertainment system up my arse if I didn’t lose another 40 pounds.

He asked me how I had managed to become so big. I told him I had always been hung like a rhinoceros but he didn’t find that funny at all. I then realised that as well as having absurdly long fingers Doctor Ramitin had bugger all sense of humour so I had to be serious.
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One of my roles as senior cruise director is to help some of the younger CD’s when they have problems or concerns or need advice. This can range from improving onboard revenue and guest satisfaction to advice on how best to schedule events and shows and sometimes cruise directors need advice on how to become better lovers, a subject I am always happy to help Butch with whenever he asks.

Yesterday I had an e-mail from a CD telling me about a situation he has just been through on his ship. Unfortunately, a guest had become very ill and needed immediate medical attention ashore. This meant calling in the brilliant men and women of United States Coast Guard who sent a helicopter to rendezvous with the ship at sea.
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Having spent all of Friday having my medical and feeling invaded I was feeling pretty down in the dumps and so Heidi thought that rather than let me sit in my chair, watching football doing bugger all…………..that we should all go the beach.

I hate the beach. Everyone aged over 11 looks crap on a beach even if they have a Chanel bikini or a 6 pack. It’s a fact. Dogs look stupid in doggy clothes and adult humans look like idiots on beaches. We’re as badly matched as the French and bathing.
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It appears the schedules John posted for Europe were not correct because the dates were all wrong – here are the correct schedules. This information is directly from the press release.

“Seven-day cruises will feature Monte Carlo, Monaco; and Livorno, Rome (Civitavecchia), Naples and Messina, Italy. Departure dates include July 3, 10 and 17, 2011.
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For those people who couldn’t care less about my life at home and read the blog thingy for the Q and A’s and the stuff about cruising, I kindly invite you to scroll down a bit as this morning I need to talk about being a parent.

I do this through eyes that feel like they have Warren Buffet’s bank account hanging from them because poor young Kye had a bad night of teething last night. Now I should point out that she never cries…………I mean never. Everyone tells me that she is the most contented baby they have ever met and certainly she is the most contended kid Heidi and I have ever had. There are only two things that make her cry………….her teeth coming through……………and when I fart…………she doesn’t like that at all.
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Is it the same in North America as it is here that when your sports team reaches a final or has an important match, everyone puts on their replica shirts? This afternoon England has their last match of stage 1 of the World Cup. Win and they progress. Lose and they go home. So today is the day when more adult males than usual suffer a small mental collapse and think it becomes them to don a shiny two-piece in the requisite England colors.

Why do they do this? That is the question. It’s obviously not to attract women, because when they pull a sports shirt designed for a super-fit twenty-something athlete over their six-packless stomachs, most resemble…….well………..me. I wonder then if they do it to impress other males and to be one of the lads. Ah, that’s sweet…… if you are a boy of twelve. Otherwise you look ridiculous, I’m afraid, like my mate Alan did last weekend when he joined me for our barbecue wearing an “I Shot JR” T-shirt.
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If you look at me you would say “Wow, he’s a large chap.” Or if you were an American/Canadian blogger you would say “Wow, he’s one hell of a big man.” Or if you were French you would probably say “Oh la la, regarde la grand bastard.”

Don’t worry, the idea of this part of today’s blog is not to talk about the light fluffy shell that my body has been encased in but rather to talk about the word “large.” You see I live in the UK and each and every day I see that we are becoming more and more Americanized. Now if this means that we are getting your standard of service in restaurants and shops and paying your price for fuel then that is a brilliant thing. However, when you talk to people and when you visit shops here in the UK now we do indeed seem more American………..without any of the good bits.
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There are a few cruise directors have what are called “office hours” where if members of the entertainment department have something they wish to discuss they can do so. These hours are known to the entire staff and anyone calling or knocking on the CD’s door outside of these hours is likely to get bugger all answer.

Now me, I don’t do this and used to have pretty much have an open door policy. Now obviously if they pop over at 2 am or before the sun is up then their bottom is likely to have a very close relationship with my foot. However, things have changed and I will explain why shortly.
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PA 007 our Super Spy sent me an email yesterday telling me that Carnival’s Facebook page thingy has a stunning 160,000 friends on it…………..that’s one hundred and sixty thousand!

This is quite extraordinary and the fact that PA 007 sent me this was made all the more poignant because I also read that the bible of words “The Oxford Dictionary” have made one of their top five new words of the year……..“unfriend.” Hearing this news I’m what you would call “unbothered.” (more…)