Good morning everyone. This is Heidi here writing to you on this lovely Thursday morning here in the UK. Before I continue I should mention that I am not sitting here in my underpants or Johns underpants for that matter. I am fully clothed and happy to have the chance to start John’s blog for him today. That’s because early this morning John and I had a little bit of an argument you could say. Kye woke up at 6:30 am which is early for her and normally I have a routine of going down stairs, making her a bottle of milk, changing her nappy or diaper as you call them and then bring her back into our bed to feed her. This morning though I was really snug under the covers and had been having a dream about Rafael Nadal’s bottom. Not really but I told John I had because he gets on my nerves all the time talking about Megan Fox and her skinny bottom.
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For those people who say that my blog is based around toilet humour………..today you would be correct. And after yesterday’s blog about my little Kye being sick………….she is fine now by the way…..the last thing you needed to read this morning is stuff about my bottom. So for those who would rather not may I direct you to a far more grown up blogs……….here are the link thingies.
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I know that I promised not to bore the socks off you with tales of my daughter Kye and my family life but considering what happened yesterday afternoon I have little choice but to tell you.

First of all we start with the fact that my polar bear killing Range Rover is in for a service and having dropped the car off at the dealership and being told it would be ready sometime between tomorrow and December, Heidi, Kye and I took a taxi from the Land Rover garage into town for a spot of shopping.
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There have been quite a few changes during the four months I was away from home. My daughter has learnt to say important words like “Dada” which is amazing and “poo” which is even more so. There have also been changes in our house thanks to Heidi doing her impression of a merchant banker and spending money we don’t have by having a new kitchen fitted and replacing the whole way we watch TV.
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Well BA decided to let flight 0206 from Miami to London Heathrow fly and……………..I got upgraded…………..OK I had to pay for that………but I am happy ……….well……….mostly.

Let me tell you about the lady in the seat next to me. Her name is Audrey who is on her way to London where she has “very important meetings with clients.” Audrey also hates children. I know all of this not because she reached out a hand of kindness to introduce herself to the fat bloke she will be next to for the next 8 hours but because she spent the 20 or so minutes before take off screaming down her cell phone …………she has an Eye Phone naturally………..and she made sure that the entire aircraft knew how important she was.

Audrey is in her late thirties I would guess, has a fiery temper because…………she has ginger hair.
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So, here I sit in my underpants writing my last blog before my vacation begins. Last night, I spoke to Heidi and she asked men a question. “I want to buy you a welcome home present from Kye and I, what do you want.” Obviously, being me I said ” Oh nothing darling, I just want you and Kye and maybe some Yorkshire pudding and Spotted Dick……oh and maybe a cuddle.”

Afterwards I sat and thought about what I really want. What, would I wish for if I were to trip over a bottle on the beach and a short, fat man appeared and granted me my heart’s desire? Here is my list.
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I have some disturbing news to report to you about Hennie, the new Cruise Director of the Carnival Fantasy. Yep, I am sorry to have to report that like Goose, Todd, Chris, Brent and others…………..he is I am sad to say………..a metrosexual thingy. I wrote about my colleague’s preference to lotions, manicures, moisturizing and waxing around their baby makers ……………and Hennie is part of this horrendous cult.

While he is doing a great job and showing bags of confidence he is also spending as much time choosing what to wear on stage as he is preparing his Fun Onboard and Ashore talk. I just don’t get it…..but then again…………I have never and will never understand fashion.
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There are very few things that make my blood boil. Obviously if you stuck a welding torch up my bottom, my blood would indeed get hot but apart from that, cruelty to children and people who get into elevators before those in there have gotten out ………….. little gets me really mad.

However, yesterday I was listening to a group of guests have a conversation and for some reason it really made me mad. As I am watching Hennie and helping him through his first week as Cruise Director I am a relative unknown here. Apart from the guests who have sailed with me before and those who recognize me from the blog, I am free to mince around the ship like a ghost……….a relatively fat ghost………….but a ghost none the same.
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At 7:20am this morning I sat down at my computer………in my underpants………..and read my e-mails……….here is the one I received from my wife Heidi.

From: Heidi Heald
Sent: Monday, May 31, 2010 2:06 AM
To: FANTASY CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Morning Husband.

Very excited now, only 6 days until you are home. Was thinking this as I loaded the dishwasher knowing that you will be doing this next week

H and K
xx

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