It’s Saturday morning and I have just returned from 25 minutes of peace and quiet in the bathroom. Unfortunately as I sat down to release my body of the 2 pounds of suckling pig I had eaten the night before I realised that I had no reading material……………….bugger. To my horror the only thing available to me was one of Heidi’s girly magazine’s called something like Hair and Beauty or Slim Hair or Beautiful Vogue or Slim Voguemopolitan or something like this. It was either read this or sit there doing bugger all while I waited for Percy the Pig to make an appearance.
And so I read her magazine.
Apparently it is really easy to get the perfect body ready for your vacation to the beach or your time on Lido Deck. According to what I just read all you have to do is cut out saturated fats, dairy, carbs, alcohol, sugar, fruit, laughter and the will to live and you’re on your way to what Heidi’s magazine called “sizzling summer look”………………….oh what a load of bollocks.
We all know the “bikini diet” is entirely unnecessary because the brain undergoes a denial process the moment we walk onto Lido Deck. It tells women that a sarong is a miracle garment that can instantly slim thighs the size of a Lifeboat, and that standing in the Mongolian Wok line, aged 70, naked save for a thong and two triangles on your breasts, is normal.
Take my advice………….forget what these magazines say and listen to Doctor John……………you can look thinner on Lido Deck in seconds and still enjoy a huge lunch and an extra chocolate melting cake. Simply lay down your towel next to the fattest person you can find………………and that’s probably me.
See you on Monday.
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
Hi John, I knew you would miss us as much as we miss you. Thanks for your advice. See you Monday.
Jo
This one was great John. I couldn’t stop laughing after reading this. I too will be one of the fat people that others can lay by to look thinner.
While I’m posting I wanted to make a comment on one of your cruise directors, Kevin Noonan. My wife and I were on the Fantasy for our honeymoon last September and he was a wonderful cruise director. We loved his morning show he did on sea days with the Assistant CD and he was just the funniest and friendliest staff member on the cruise. (Not that the others weren’t funny or friendly, he was just the best). I just found out that he is on the Triumph now and will still be the CD on the Triumph this coming September when my wife and I cruise again to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. We are both very excited about this and honestly we couldn’t ask for a better CD. If you could pass on our kind words to Noonan and tell him we look forward to having him as our CD in September on the Triumph, we would appreciate it.
Hope you are enjoying your famy time. You deserve a bit of peace and quiet at least from all of us. Not sure our kids know what that means!!!
Dan
John you are just to funny.
Hello, John!
There ya’ go… I think I’ve seen every on of the folks that you’ve described…
‘Til Monday!
All the best to the girls!
Ciao!
Host Mach
Dear John, (Please Reply)
My wife and I enjoy reading your blogs. Whenever we’re in a depressed mood (esp. after getting off one of the cruises) we just start reading one of your fascinating days. We know we’re not the only ones having a bad day. I’m just kidding. But as a matter of fact I have started to read your blogs before going to bed. Some of the dreams that I’ve been having lately involved Latvian women and pork.
Anyways we had the privilege of sailing with you on the Fantasy back in May. It made the vacation 10x more wonderful. Since Carnival have made another home in Charleston many of my colleagues have been jealous of me going on all these cruises. I have told them how much endless fun they are and can be. Also how simple and easy it is to book a vacation. Now many of them have signed up for future cruises. We’ll be going on many more soon next year out of Charleston. But to tide us over in the mean time we have two more cruises this year 8/21 on the Fascination and 9/18 on the Dream. Each year we seem to add one more than the last.
My question however relates to our cruise on 8/21. We are bringing a cousin who has stage 4 cancer. This is her first time ever being on a cruise and has always dreamed on being one. Doctors have told her that there is nothing else they can do so this will be needless to say a great experience for her and would take a lot off her mind. We were wondering if there was anything special that could be set up for her. Her name is Annie Miller room R106.
Keep up the great work that you do. Even though when you do a job you love you can hardly call it work. Thanks and take care.
As much as I enjoy your blog, you may have set a new high (low) with this post.
Glad you are back, we were having withdrawals. I hope you three had a brillant time.
Hugs, see you on BC4,,,Hugs,
Bobbi
I hope you’re enjoying your time off with your girls.
By the way, unless I missed it…..aren’t the three of you going on a Cunard cruise shortly? Or did it get cancelled? Iam/was looking forward to hearing your reports about a Cunard cruise.
Enjoy your weekend!
John, and here I thought all those people laying near me on the Lido were my new found friends. I was just being used as the new super diet.
BIG Ed
Hey there,
John,
You need to get Heidi to get you a subscription to READERS DIGEST or UNCLE JOHN”S BIG BATHROOM READER. You will never be without reading material for the “office” again.
They have nice short articles or you can string a few together when necessary.
All the best,
from sunny Stratford.
B&D
Are you really from sunny Stratford? I am from sunny Rostock! Just 20km from Statford.
aww. you missed us john.
smiles, bonnie and prince charlie
Hello John,
I hope you had a wonderful time on vacation and got to spend some quality time with Heidi and Kye. My girlfriend and I as well as another couple will be sailing on the Carnival Triumph August 16th and I was wanting to know how to go about requesting a table for 4 next to a window seat overlooks the ocean. I plan on proposing on elegant night when we go to get our picture taken. This way we can have the moment documented.
I appreciate your assistance
Jason Cook
P.S. Keep up the great work! We all appreciate what you do for us bloggers.
Hi John,
We are so excited to hear you are going to sail with us feb 27 2011 on the Victory!! Love you to death and we all are very happy you have such a super family. Anxious to meet Heidi and Kye. Hope they will be sailing then.
Becky, Ken and the Ya Babies from Maine
Hiya Becky,
Are you sure you have your dates right?
John’s Bloggers cruise is 2/27/11 aboard the Carnival Glory.
How i have missed you, (the blog).
Hope you and the girls have had a wonderful few days together and enjoyed yourselves.
Funny how all us bloggers get so used to reading the blog each day it just becomes part of our everyday things to do, its been weird not login in each day. anyway hopefully back to normal on monday.
Although we have booked the magic for july next year i am quite tempted to try and go on the may 1 sailing from venice, is this madness to book the first cruise on a new ship??? any bloggers out there who have done this?? Do you think Carnival will add a naming cerermony/ship beforehand?
Sorrry I am rambling, enjoy the rest of day
take care
michelle and gang
Michelle,
I was on the 1st voyage of the Carnival Freedom from Venice in 2007. I was thrilled to be sailing the Med for the 1st time and thrilled to be on a new ship. However, it’s very different from sailing on a ship that has had all the kinks worked out.
I think I expected the ship to be in absolutely perfect condition. NOT..there is still a lot of painting and adjusting and setting up going on. Not all of the venues were open, bars not completely stocked and stuff like that. Of particular note was the lack of cohesion between the various crew members. Remember they are new to the ship too and just didn’t have their routines down like you see on a ship that has been in service for a while and staffed by people that have worked together for months.
But a different experience was the feeling that ALL of us passengers and crew together had the privilege of working through the kinks together.
Inaugural cruising isn’t for everyone, but if you go into it understanding that it’s going to be a bit different than what you’ve experienced before it can be a really memorable experience.
Thanks so much Janey
I think i will stick to my july cruise and maybe do a back to back instead. Thanks for all the info.
enjoy
michelle
John, traveled with you many times, including two Europe crusies. Booking Eurpoe for next August again (14 family members in seven cabins). What excursion allows you to go to the Blue Groto? One couple did that 25 years ago on honeymoon and want to do it again. Hope you can help with an answer.
Dear Larry,
If you want John to reply you need to put “JOHN PLEASE REPLY” at the beginning of your post. Then allow about three weeks to get your answer.
The Cruzin2some
John,
Just wanted to send you a great big Thank You!! We just arrived back home from our wonderful vacation on the Carnival Dream, what a beautiful ship. My son and daughter-in-law were very surprised, but not as much as my neices!! We were at dinner and our wonderful Dining Staff ( Darlene & Saw Lai) came to the table with a Honeymoon cake. Darlene had a puzzled look, saying she had the cake for Stacy & Stephanie ( my nieces) for their Honeymoon. We laughted so hard!! Then when my neices got back to their room there was a bigger cake. But then to top it off, Todd our CD, called my neices on the Morning Show to wish them well.Thesmall mix up not only made it a great memory for Jeff & Hope, but all of us as well!!! Darlene & Saw Lai were the Best. Always called us by name whenever we saw them on the ship. We also had a wonderful Art autioneer Ian Hamlin. I received such a great deal on a Peter Max picture, can’t wait until it arrives. As always the Carnival Staff were excellent. From boarding the ship, until we disembarked. Can’t wait until July 2011, when we cruise with Carnival again.Jeff & Annette
PLEASE REPLY I am cruising on Freedom on August 28, 2010. My husband and I are celebrating our 20th Anniversary. Is their anything that I can have surprised or him? We are in a balcony guarantee. This is our first cruise together, so I am hoping we have a great room, and a great cruise. We have anytime dining, and I am hoping to get a really great table. If you can help me in anyway, I would really appreciate any help at all. Thank you in advance for your assistace.
Glad you are back. I missed you.
elizabeth
Mr. Heald
Approximately 6 months ago a group from my Church and community planned a cruise on the Carnival Freedam which sails out of Ft. Lauderdale Oct. 3rd and returns Oct. 9th 2010. We decided to check out the group rate and see if there were any advantages to booking as a group. After talking to the group dept. at Carnival cruise lines we concluded this would be the best for us as a group, a free room after so many cabins booked and extra amenities. Approximately 12 cabins were booked under, “Tallie’s Group”. We now are finding out this is no better a deal than booking through a personal vacation planner. The only advantage was after 8 cabins we get one cabin free and no extra amenities on this ship?? I decided to break away from the group so the others can get a little more money back from the free room ( splitting between the 12 cabins). All but 2 cabins that are booked, are past guests.
We love cruising with Carnival and will continue to do so but are very disappointed in the way the group booking has been handled. Not only this but my immediate family has just returned from sailing on the Liberty June 12th – 19th for the 2nd time I might add and had a wedding in St. Thomas which we had Carnival book and plan for us. It was a great experience I would recommend a Carnival Wedding to anyone. Very Nice. Perfect place and reception wonderful.
Thanks for your time, I look forward to hearing from you on this matter.
Jacquie Robbins
Hey John! Hope your holiday (or vacation as we say here in USA) was wonderful. Missed you something awful & will look forward to reading the blog tomorrow.
Jan in Michigan
Haha that is hilarious John! I have seen all of your videos on YouTube… An I just decided to start following you on your blog! I’m happy lol well please comment if you can!
My secret super-duper diet is to feed my husband so well that I look small in comparison. You must be reading my blog!!! LOL
Must you be so disgusting? Anyone that says they enjoy reading about your bowel movements is either lying – or sick.
Welcome back!
hi john hope you and the girls had a nice vacation. glad u are back.
John,
Now you’ve got Meagan all upset! We’ve warned about your bathroom humor! LOL!
Can’t wait for your review of the vacation cruise with your girls.
Cunard is one line I’ve never had the opportunity to cruise.
Missed you!
Joyce
Happy to have you back and hope you enjoyed the week off. ( Well, except for blogging on Sat. )
PLEASE REPLY
Hi John, Please tell me it is true that you will be on the Carnival Splendor in November. My husband, brother and sister in law will be on the Nov. 21 2010 cruise. Our family has been through alot this year and to be on another cruise with you will make our year. You may not know this but even with cancer and losing a niece in a car accident seeing your name on the cruise director list bought smiles and a lot of joy to our faces. You have done so much for so many people and I wanted to let you know WE CAN’T WAIT.
THANK YOU for giving us a forum to express ourselves
Jeanette
John,
We have sailed on the Carnival Dream twice since April and can’t begin to tell you what a great job James Dunn does! He is so energetic, personable and always smiling that it makes cruising with him a very enjoyable experience! Nothing against Todd but James just stands out! He is more visible and has so much energy that everyone talks about the great job he does! Any ideas on moving him up to a CD as we will sail on any ship he is CD on? Also, when will the new CD schedule be out for Jan-June as we are planning our next cruise for April now? Thanks for your time.
Jill Prater
Dear John,
Your week off coinsided with my vacation. Nancy and I decided to join my brother at his condo and leave the one hundred and five degree F temperatures of the High Dessert for the 73°F temperatures of Dana Point Beach.
Good Timing in both cases!
Hope you and your ladies are all set to be pampered by the folks a Cunard. ENJOY!
The Cruzin2some
James & Nancy Enslow
HI John,
(Please reply)
I just had to add my 2 cents about Cigar Bars. I think that a smaller venue should be turned into cigar bars. The current cigar bars on the Conquest class ships are huge rooms and could be non-smoking.
Cheers!
John
HI JOHN, I’M VERY NEW TO THIS BLOG THINGIE BUT I’M ALREADY HOOKED. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LAUGHS, YOU DO HAVE ONE WICKED SENCE OF HUMOR. PLEASE KEEP IT COMING.
I HAVE ENJOYED THREE CRUSIES WITH CARNIVAL NOW AND I’M BOOKED ON THE CONQUEST NOVEMBER 7TH OF THIS YEAR-CAN’T WAIT TO SAIL AGAIN!!! I’M REALLY THINKING ABOUT THE NEW MAGIC AND SAILING ACROSS THE SEA TO GALVESTON. THAT SOUNDS LIKE HEVEN TO ME.
THANKS AGAIN FOR YOU BLOG AND MAY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER.
THANKS AGAIN